I Kind of Hate This Post and You Probably Will Too but You Should Read It Anyway Because I Need the Traffic

I’d planned to pull something out of my ass write a real post today but this is pretty much my last day to pretend to get my shit together before I have to do a bunch of unnecessary work created for me by the assholes who decided to schedule birthday parties and company picnics and Halloween this weekend.  So I’m going to spend the rest of the day in my office pretending to work complaining about how hard my life is daydreaming about lying on the beach with some hot dude who has rock hard abs, enjoys giving me mimosas and massages, and can’t speak preparing for the weekend’s festivities.

Besides, who are we kidding?  It’s Halloween.  Nobody’s going to read this shit anyway.

So instead of my usual crap a real post, I’m taking this opportunity to say a bunch of stuff I’ve been meaning to say but haven’t because I keep getting distracted by the Majestic Flu and the Great Fork Shortage of ’09 and scary amusement parks clean up some loose ends.  So here are some housekeeping notes:

For anyone who wants their blog featured in a book:
Jacki over at FunnyNotSlutty.com is putting together a collection of the funniest (not sluttiest) blog posts she can find.  She’s holding a contest and the winners will be featured in an online book she’s publishing.  You can enter two blog posts, and if one is selected, it will be included in the book for millions and millions of adoring fans to read and enjoy.

(I don’t actually know about that millions and millions part but it’s awesome nonetheless.)

(I also don’t know about the adoring part, the people who read it might hate you and not adore you at all.  But by then it’s too late, you’re already in the book, so fuck them.)

Jacki has clearly lost her mind has asked me to help judge this contest and I’m pretty sure it’s because of that bribe I’m flattered and excited to finally have a legitimate reason to judge people, instead of my usual “I’m insecure and need to feel superior to SOMEONE even if it’s just for wearing THOSE pants” excuse participate.

The other judges are so much cooler than me it’s ridiculous really amazing – Ann from Ann’s Rants, Julia from I Do Things So You Don’t Have To, and Terese from The Witchy Chicks are all really, so much cooler than me it kind of makes me want to sob hilarious and incredibly talented.

If you want to sign up and be judged by those bad asses and also someone retarded like me submit posts, just click over here and follow the directions.  Super easy.

For anyone who followed me on Twitter or Facebook this week:
I’m sorry.

For the person who found my blog using the search term Why does this girl want to pop my pimple?
Two words:  Bubble wrap.

For the people who found my blog this week with the search term zoo porn fuck elephants:
You have the dumbest fetish ever.

For the person who found my blog using the search term can you get sick from getting blowjob from sick girl:
Yes.  Also, you’re a selfish asshole.

For the people who’ve found my blog using the search terms I want to know who’s hiding my status updates on facebook, I have no idea what I’m doing, co-worker is creeping me out, and help, laundry hell:
I feel your pain.  Fist bumps all around.

For the person who found my blog using the search term How do I know if I want to be someone’s special lady?
I don’t really have an answer for you, but you’re awesome.

For Jon and Kate Gosselin:
You are both douche bags.  Please go away.

For Sarah Palin:
You are also a douche bag.  Please go away.

For the Medical Survey Lady:
I have decided to blow you off.  Please go away.

For the Holiday Sweater Lady:
The jack-o’lantern sweater’s looking pretty tired.  Maybe you should hit the post-holiday sale at the So-Gaudy-It-Will-Make-Your-Eyes-Bleed store this weekend.

For the people charging $180 for a pair of blue jeans:
Are you on crack?  You must be on crack.  You’re definitely on crack.  Your ridiculously overpriced jeans will not be covering MY crack, I know that much.

For the woman on Facebook who keeps asking me to pray for her:
No.

For all the middle-aged women like me who are dressing in slutty costumes this Halloween:
You make me sad.

For my husband:
No, I won’t dress like a slut for Halloween. (But November 1, all bets are off.) 

For the people who’ve already completed their Christmas shopping:
Fuck you.

Stumble it!

Tags: go away gosselins, please don;t dress like a slut if you're over 35, What idiot made me a judge of anything?