So I’ve been agonizing over what to write for my next post, and by “agonizing” I mean not really thinking about it at all but every now and then having some random moment of clarity when I remember I have a blog and think, “Yeah, I should probably do something about that,” and then I stare up at the sky for about 20 seconds wondering what I should write but come up with bupkiss and then I think to myself, “What IS that word, anyway? Am I even saying that right? Is it ‘bump-kiss’? ‘Butt-kiss’? If it’s butt-kiss, that’s stupid. It’s stupid anyway. What a stupid word! I HATE that word! I should totally write a blog post about how stupid it is and how much I hate it!” and in that split second I know with absolute certainly that I am an idiot and I am going to kill this blog. And then I see something shiny and forget all about it, until a day or two later when ANOTHER random moment hits and I think, “Hey, I should do a Q&A post, where people submit questions and I answer then in a sarcastic, snarky, and totally un-helpful way! It’ll practically write itself!” So I go on Twitter trolling for questions but I only get ONE question, from pgoodness, who takes pity on my poor soul and asks why fountain Coke is better than regular coke, which isn’t even a real question because everybody knows that magic syrup fairies live in the fountain machines.
After that…
Crickets. chirp-chirp-chirp
And then I get my feelings hurt because nobody on Twitter wants sarcastic, snarky, totally un-helpful answers from me and I think “Well, FUCK YOU, TOO, Twitter! I don’t need you! I don’t need anything! Except this ashtray. That’s all I need. And this paddle game. Just this ashtray and this paddle game. And these matches and this lamp. I don’t need Twitter, or Facebook, or any other thing. Just this ashtray and paddle game and matches and lamp. And this remote control. But that’s all I need. Not one other thing.”
(And if you didn’t get that reference just then, take your shit and leave this blog immediately.)
THEN I think, “Why do I even HAVE this blog? Why am I wasting my time worrying about this thing, when there are like a zillion other people doing it better than me and a zillion other things I could and should be doing right now, like looking for the forks or staring into my new refrigerator or destroying my husband’s reputation or maybe even spending time with my kid at the scary old Scooby-Doo amusement park? Why am I not doing THOSE things? WHY?!? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHYYYYY?!?!”
But then I see something shiny and I have to investigate. And then I’m tired because all that investigating was exhausting. So I take a nap while the Bean juggles knives and eats poison berries in the backyard.
And before I know it, it’s a week later and I still haven’t written anything for this blog and who knows if I ever will again, and just when I’m about to say fuck it and give up, I look at my stats and realize not one, not two, but THREE people are currently digging through my archives, reading EVERY SINGLE POST I have ever written, and I think (1) you guys really need to get a life and (2) please-don’t-read-the-old-stuff-please-don’t-read-the-old-stuff and (3) DAMMIT they’re reading the old stuff!! I’ve gotta get something new out there, STAT! Something really amazing and brilliant and hilarious, something to balance out the horribleness of the old stuff so when they finally work their way up to the most recent posts they’ll see that I’ve EVOLVED! I’m no longer that lame-ass from a year and a half ago who only wrote about babies and puppy dogs and rainbows! I’m better now! I swear I am! Love me! LOVE ME!
(Although, to be fair, I don’t think rainbows have ever made an appearance here. Unless I was being ironic. Or talking about leprechauns. Both of which are entirely possible, because irony and leprechauns are both awesome. But only when used liberally.)
So what can I write? What can I write? Gotta think of something NOW!! Gotta post something NOW!
But it turns out I still have butt-kiss for ideas, and another nap is starting to sound mighty nice, so I end up writing the ridiculously pointless post you’re reading right now (assuming you’ve made it this far which, let’s be honest, you probably haven’t), and I decide the Internet world will either like it or it won’t and there’s really not shit I can do about that – at least, not without giving up the time I spend chasing the Bean and his knives or napping or investigating shiny things.
So. yeah. This is what you get. You’re welcome.
Stumble it!
Tags: crickets chirp when I want attention, I don't need anything but this ashtray, I like shiny things
November 4th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
LOL. Twitter is hit or miss for me too. You should ask your loyal readers here to submit Q&A questions: why is it called Brazilian? Is it better if a REAL Brazilian does it? Explanations for people going thru your archives: CIA, FBI, IRS, or ppl who can’t get enough of your writings.:-)
November 4th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
I’ve always said it just like it’s spelled – bupkiss. But from now on I’ll only be able to say buttkiss.
November 4th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
(((SNORRRRRRRRRRRRRE!)))
(((Yawn!!!!)))
Oh, hey.
There’s always the awesome-ness of shiny things to write about. Or Miche bags. Or The Jerk. Because that’s one of the greatest movies. Ever. Swear to god.
November 4th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Twitter sucks. The only reason I signed up for an account was because my boss was all let’s find out about social networking and see how it will help the company and since you’re the computer goddess and your supervisor clearly hates dealing with this crap, would you please investigate? I hate it. I do enjoy Facebook but it has mafia wars. Twitter does not have games. It is stupid.
And hey, it looks like FOUR people read your blog! You’re more popular than me!
I don’t have a question, but I do have an observation that might inspire you… have you ever noticed how the end of hot dogs looks exactly like cat butts?
November 4th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
I made it all the way and then some. That’s right. I like to take it just a little but farther. Further? I don’t know. All I know is it take it past where I should and then I figure it starts to get uncomfortable.
Here’s what I know -
Nothing.
Write whatever. I understand what you’re saying here, that you think you have to have gems, but luv, I wrote about frickin’ salad dressing once. Yeah. And and ode to a candy bar. I guess here’s what it comes down to for me – it’s apparently good I have food issues (take that, MOM!!!) because without them, there would be no blog.
See? You’re uncomfortable now, aren’t you? Thought so.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
You know that when I say ‘but’ I really mean ‘bit,’ right? Thought so again.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
I’ve been feeling like this for MONTHS… why do I even bother when there are so many bloggers out there doing it way better than I ever could (not that I was even trying to *be* a blogger). Anyway, I’m still reading you. See?
November 4th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
i do not subscribe to twitter:
with my time i do not fritter;
at least not with twitter,
but i am really not that bitter
i could not respond to your q’s on twitter.
but i am really not a quitter,
and would like to know your q’s on twitter
so i could respond and you reiter-
ate something i could toss in the shitter.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:06 am
I love my thermos. Favorite part of the Jerk is that Steve Martin has the dixie cup-like wine glass dispenser next to the tennis court. THAT is awesome. Also, your dad is hilarious!
November 5th, 2009 at 10:55 am
i am so cracking up. i just did the whole “i don’t need you. i don’t need anything!” “except this remote. and this ashtray. i need this ashtray. and that’s it!” my kids looked at me like i had finally lost it. then i launched into a rousing version of “i’m picking out a thremos for you! not an ordinary thermos for you. but a very special thermos. the very best thermos. picking out a thermos for you!”
to which they left the room. so: mission accomplished.
what can i say… i was born a poor black child.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:03 am
You are hilarious.
As far as twitter questions go:
I was absent that day.
My dog ate my homework.
You talkin’ to me? (in a bad De Niro voice)
oops!
Thank you for making me laugh (again).
November 5th, 2009 at 11:21 am
and what about the dog shithead? you have to take your dog shithead.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I feel like this all the time, wonder why I bother blogging at all, but then I think…I do it because there is so much amazing randomness in my life and I like to tell stories about it, for myself even if for no one else. But see? Lots of people are reading! And enjoying every blog you post. And the archives.
And about Twitter: Three people pay attention to my “tweets”, one being my sister. So basically, Twitter is a humongous waste of time and incredibly self-serving. You know, sometimes I don’t reply because I think, oh, this person has tons of followers and probably get so many @ replies, why would she care about mine! So there ya go
November 5th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
what about the thermos, don’t you need the thermos too??
You had me at the Jerk reference without even having to click on the linky thing.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
So… this post inspired me, mostly because I’ve gotten sooo bored with my blog because it has totally turned into an ‘update’ blog, meaning I never write anything just funny and random anymore (and definitely not enough angry rants). I only write when I feel like I have something to officially update, and then my posts have no personality & I get bored just proof-reading them. LAME! I need to be more random again even if no one makes it to the end of MY posts.
And your comment on my blog inspired me to be better about commenting on OTHERS’ blogs again & responding to tweets because I have totally sucked at that too lately & then sit there scratching my head, going, ‘Why am I not getting any comments anymore?’
P.S. My favorite part of this post is where you try to figure out ‘bupkiss’ cuz as soon as I read that, I thought, “Oh, is THAT how it’s spelled??”
November 6th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Heck, you live in Texas, right? Don’t you guys have some interesting weather? Isn’t it just showing up out of nowhere and taking Mobile Homes to Oz? hmmm, maybe that’s Kansas… Ok, how about those hurricanes showing up and flooding your cities? …wait, wait, that’s Louisiana. OK, you gotta have earthquakes. Remember years ago that bridge span collapsed? Crap…that’s California… oh, huh, must be pretty boring in Texas, huh?
November 6th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Wait, I was out of town, so please exclude me from your scorn.
Also, I know your pain intimately: Only one person wanted to play #dirtynerdconfessions with me yesterday.
Shit.
November 6th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Well, after i asked, everyone else was intimidated by my awesomeness….sorry about that.
November 7th, 2009 at 6:37 am
I gave my brother a paddle game and an ashtray and a miniature chair for Christmas one year.
I LOVE YOU FOR THAT REFERENCE!
November 9th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
I hate Twitter. Twitter is useless and no one ever responds to me. Even when I reply to them and am all witty and charming. Still nothing. They don’t even bother to follow me, which only seems polite. It’s like talking into a void. I am going break up with Twitter. Seriously. Any day now.
And how can you possibly be out of things to write about when you sit next to the world’s most annoying co-worker? And live in Austin, home of the weird? And have wicked awesome bangs that I totally covet?
November 9th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
The Jew in me will tell you that bupkes is Yiddish. at least I’m mostly sure it is. yes, yes, it is. (the Jew in me is clearly indecisive as well)
Also? The Jerk is one of my all-time favorite movies. Do I win a prize?
November 15th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
So maybe it took me like two weeks to get here. If I wasn’t so lazy I’d scroll up and check the date on this post.
But I loved it.
Sigh.
Lord hath no comment that does not sound vapid at this point.
I’m going to feature it on my blog this week. Exciting, right? I don’t think anyone has even notice that I have begun sharing the luv. Have I mentioned how it pains me to see “CommentLuv” spelled below. It sounds like some weird feminine spray or brand in the Junior section at TJ Maxx.
Goodnight.
January 26th, 2010 at 11:22 am
what a great stuff,i will bookmark this