Today I learned that “unfriending” someone on Facebook is the Ultimate Form of Insult, and by “learned” I mean that someone did it to me and by “insult” I mean “Really? B-b-but… I thought we were (sniff) f-f-f-friends? (sniff).” It totally hurt my feelings and made me feel all stabby and hateful, because being stabby and hateful is my first reaction to feeling sad.*

So I guess it’s no surprise that the stabby-hateful thing took over and for a while there all I could do was imagine this new UNFRIEND**stripped naked, with tender parts covered in something sticky and delicious, abandoned in an open area where many animals with big, sharp teeth (and a strong taste for sticky, delicious things) reside. 

Eventually it passed, but just because I’m no longer imagining myself feeding this UNFRIEND’s still-attached privates to hungry, fangy wild things – don’t misunderstand.  I definitely still wish the UNFRIEND a terrible pain, but I’ve managed to get my strong (STRONG STRONG) desire to feed said person to large mammals with sharp teeth under some semblance of control, so I’m calling that a success.***

Now I’m just sort of Whatever-you’re-a-DICK, and that’s pretty familiar territory for me so I can concentrate again on other things like the new Twitter account I’ve started for The Creepy Dude in the Next Cubicle and trying to keep pants on my kid (WHO DOES NOT LIKE THEM NO HE DOES NOT) and getting my house ready for Thanksgiving (which, already: FAIL) and trying not to cry when I look out my back door at the Yard O’Mud that was supposed to be a Beautiful, Luscious, Thick Carpet of Green by now. 

I’m also actively avoiding my office’s Thanksgiving Potluck, because, AS PREDICTED, I signed up to bring something and then completely forgot all about that shit and the Holiday Sweater Lady is PISSED, Y’ALL.  She’s been hunting for me and my broccoli casserole ALL MORNING but somehow I’ve managed to evade capture — at least, so far.  I DID manage to catch a glimpse of today’s sweater, though, and let me tell you, people, it’s FUCKING ART.  This is a Texas Turkey, no doubt about it, with cowboy boots that have bells for spurs and a big cowboy hat that actually extends BEYOND the shoulder of the thing and both the boots AND the hat are made of SUEDE, Y’ALL.  SUEDE.  And the damn thing’s holding a SHOTGUN in its hands, which — turkeys have hands? THIS BADASS MOTHERFUCKER DOES.  Holiday Sweater Lady means THE BIDNESS today, no lie. 

You can see why I’m running scared.****

So I’m sorry this post isn’t longer but I’ve got problems, people, REAL PROBLEMS.  I think I might be in – SHIT SHE’S COMING I THINK SHE HEARD ME*****

beej

 

 

*Or scared.  Or uncertain.  Or embarrassed.  Or lost.  Or amused.  Or claustrophobic.  Or happy.  Or in between things.

**I don’t like this term UNFRIEND.  It makes me want to call divorce UNMARRYING.  Or murder UNLIVING.  And something about that is just UNRIGHT.

***I should get some kind of award or something.  The Best At Not Feeding Horrible People to Wild Animals award.  Does that award exist?  Because it should.  It totally should.

****And by “running” I mean hiding under my desk, and by scared, I mean “PLEASE DON’T HURT ME WITH YOUR WILD TURKEY EYES AND HOLIDAY SWEATER SHOTGUN”

*****(hiding under desk)  (holding breath)  I’m scared.  And feeling stabby again.  If anything happens to me, somebody be sure to get my People-Who-Should-Be-Investigated-in-the-Event-of-my-Death List into the right hands, m’kay?  I’M COUNTING ON YOU GUYS

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13 Responses to “People Who “Unfriend” Me Can Suck It (Alternate Title: Is It Safe to Come Out Yet?)”

  1. You’re doing it wrong. You still use the sticky stuff, but you stand them in a big ole pile of fire ants.

    And then you laugh and say, “I don’t care about all of that INTERNET SHIT, because that INTERNET SHIT is just so stupid.” But in earshot of the stickyparted, antscovered person.

  2. Facebook is such a downer. Perfect example. Happy Thanksgiving!

  3. Worse than ‘unfriend’ing is blocking. Like my sister-in-law did a while back . I equate blocking someone on Facebook to sticking one’s fingers in one’s ears and saying “nyahnyah – I can’t hear you”. At least if you are unfriended ..you can’t see what that person or any of their friends are doing or saying. With the block- you see everything..but can’t participate.

    real mature for a grown up person to be doing.

    I got her back though…I didn’t give a shit.

    HA!

  4. Wait. Who wears Thanksgiving sweaters? Christmas sweaters I guess I get. You suck, and you’re lonely, and probably ugly – and no one likes you – so you feel the need to fill the void of the sad life that you have with ugly festive fucked up holiday sweaters that only 4 year olds should wear (yes, I make my child wear them) But THANKSGIVING sweaters? Seriously? Essentially you are wearing the mark of what you are eating. It’s a poultry smock.

  5. I just HIDE people. That way, I can visit when I want to and ignore them the rest of the time.

    And Sweater Lady?! Oh, the memories!

  6. The Internet ate my comment!!! And it was a long one. Forgive me, but I’m gonna have to add this – That’s what she said.

    Anyway, long story short, I pretty much said that I had a long time internet friend (awww!) who unfriended me on Facebook out of the blue, but remains buddies with some creepy, creepy dude we were both aware of, and so I thought, listen, ok, if someone who wants to routinely email chicks photos of his penis is more alluring than my witty banter, so be it. But still, dammit Facebook, for making me feel like a high school sophomore because of it!

    Not the penis part, mind you. I didn’t see one of those until I was, well, not a high school sophomore. Such a good girl!

  7. How did you know you were unfriended?

    You need to be like me, Beej. I remain ignorant of who unfollows or unfriends me and, like the say, I’m in bliss. Of course, it could be the alcohol instead of ignorance, but who cares. I’M HAPPY.

  8. Nothing takes you back to 8th grade quite like Facebook. For me, it’s because there’s so many people from my high school, all of whom I’ve been trying to forget about. Holiday Sweater Lady sounds like she is INTENSE.

  9. The existence of the Thanksgiving sweater has me wondering how extensive this holiday-sweater-thing gets. Does she have an Arbor Day sweater? Labor day? Flag day? (I’m feeling pretty confident on the Flag Day one, actually.) How dedicated is this sweater lady?

  10. I had an attack of paranoia when somebody ignored my friend request. At least I think it was ignored. Maybe she never got it. Or maybe she accidently hit “ignore.” Or maybe I accidentally hit “cancel” instead of “send.” But I’m over it now. I am. Really.

  11. Can’t be said much better. After reading this entry it hit me that my roommate was just like this! He never stopped kept talking about this kind of stuff. I will forward this article to him. I’m pretty sure he will love it. Thanks once again for showing this.

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