MEMORANDUM
To: All Employees
From: Management
Re: Holiday Safety and Behavior Guidelines
Dear Employees:
As we all know, the holiday season is upon us, and while we encourage you all to participate in the office potluck and gift exchange, we have noticed some disturbing trends over years past and need to reiterate some common-sense guidelines for you to follow when decorating your workspaces and attending company Christmas functions. We’ve learned some important lessons over the past few years and it’s important that we all keep a focus on safety and decorum this year.
Please follow these guidelines to the letter. Failure to do so WILL result in a reprimand.
1.) Candles or other decorations involving fire of any kind are NOT permitted when decorating your cubicles. We do not want a repeat of the incident last year when Marlon lost his eyelashes.
2.) Please do NOT test 9-volt batteries to see if they still work by placing them on your tongue. It took Jarvis 3 weeks and massive amounts of conditioner to get his hair to stop standing on end after the 2007 incident.
3.) Please refrain from using decorations representing your co-workers or superiors. While the “Festivus pole” displayed by the Communications department last year was amusing, stringing a noose around the neck of a voodoo doll that strongly resembled the Division Director and hanging it from the pole was NOT appropriate.
4.) When putting up holiday lights, please DO NOT attempt to install them yourself with the use of a staple gun. If you need reminding of why this is unsafe, please visit George on the third floor and ask him why he only has eight fingers.
5.) Also on the subject of staples, please DO NOT attempt to staple antlers to any of your co-workers’ heads. This cruel joke was performed on Sally at last year’s Christmas party, and she still has to wear a hat every day.
6.) At the company potluck, please refrain from providing “entertainment” of your own, especially around the food. Related note: Christmas music WILL be piped in through the conference room this year, after Norman made several people sick last year (literally) with his “nose flute” rendition of Jingle Bells.
7.) Please do NOT choose a crotchless Santa lingerie costume as your gift in the White Elephant exchange. Our receptionist Mrs. Graves was not amused last year, and we believe that may have had something to do with her early retirement in January.
8.) The company holiday party will be held off-site this year, and we cannot stress enough how important it is for you to represent our organization in a responsible manner. If the company CEO finds you passed out on the floor of a bathroom stall with your pants around your ankles, for example (*cough*STEVE*cough*), you WILL face termination.
9.) Finally, please leave the fruitcake at home. Nobody likes that shit.
Wishing you all a very happy and safe holiday season!
Sincerely,
The Management
Stumble it!
December 8th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
So photocopying your tits and ass for the corporate christmas card is probably a no-no too, huh?
what ever will you do now?
December 8th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
It’s all fun and games until somebody’s hair catches on fire. That mess SMELLS. You forgot “no snorting glitter.”
December 8th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Good list. But yes, more could be added. I like the idea of snorting glitter, though. I don’t think we have enough glitter in our lives. Now, free-basing glitter would be a bad choice. Not that I would know from personal experience or anything like that. Just sayin’.
December 8th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Ah how I miss my days at the state agency. We got similar e-mails, seriously, from the HR department. Fortunately, our division was way cool and ignored all of the rules.
December 8th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Man… this makes me miss working in an office. So much amusement by way of other people’s stupidity.
December 8th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
It has been my experience that those named Steve are typically the worst perpetrators of ne’er do well. Never, ever join forces with a Steve.
December 9th, 2009 at 12:49 am
ahh…just thought I’d add, I wouldn’t mind some photocopies for Christmas…just sayin’ I won’t complain!
December 9th, 2009 at 9:21 am
I knew Steve….We called him Fun Steve. We don’t know where he is now. We miss him. Send him back if you find him.
December 9th, 2009 at 9:47 am
I really hope this memo was emailed using festive red and green “cute” fonts. That’s how our “Holiday Decoration Guidelines” memo is sent
December 9th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Note to self: add crotchless Santa lingerie costume for gift exchange.
Thanks for the idea.
December 10th, 2009 at 8:18 am
You are twelve kinds of awesome, you know that? If awesome were ice cream, you’d have enough flavours to open your own store. Also, that metaphor has a lot of potential to end up in a weird place, so I think I’ll leave it there. ‘Nuff said.
December 10th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Long time lurker here. This was a hilarious post and I enjoy reading your blog.
~Chris C.
Angry Seafood