Bejewell on December 17th, 2013

First published December 10, 2009. I’m trotting it out again because it still holds true, and also because LOOK AT MY BABY WHO’S NOT A BABY ANYMORE. (SOB)

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Listen, I love the holidays as much as the next guy, I really do. And I love them even MORE this year, because this year my little Bean’s discovering Christmas for the first time, with the trees and the tinsel and the gifts and the stockings, and we’re suddenly VERY concerned about our status on The List, and we’re keeping watch out the front window in case Santa should arrive, and we want to watch the Grinch and Snoopy and wrap presents and sing Jingle Bells and MY GOD THE CUTE, PEOPLE.  I swear this kid could take down an entire city block with all that cute.

Bean-Xmassweater

BUT.

Every year there’s got to be some big douche out there ruining Christmas for everyone else. And this year the “Big Douche Ruining Christmas” Award goes to MAJIC 95.5, the so-called “easy listening” station that can’t even spell its own name, which plays non-stop Christmas music the entire month of December. Which would be fine, if there were more than three Christmas albums in the world that didn’t suck, but there aren’t — it’s Bing Crosby, George Winston, and Vince Guaraldi, and everything else sucks balls, and that is that.  (And if you’re going to comment now that some other Christmas album’s just as good, don’t even bother because I’m not listening to your bullshit. Bing. Vince. George. The. End.)

I swear to god if Kenny Rogers asks Mary if she “knew” ONE MORE TIME I’m going to beat someone to death with baby Jesus from the nativity scene down the street. Why don’t you leave Mary the fuck ALONE, Kenny? Hasn’t she done enough? Now she has to answer YOUR stupid ass questions too? I’LL tell you what Mary knew, she knew that she was nine months pregnant and riding a fucking DONKEY in the middle of nowhere, and some dicksneeze innkeeper made her sleep in the BARN, where she was trapped with a bunch of farm animals and some random dudes in robes just standing around with their smelly spices and shit, ogling her junk while she gave birth with NO EPIDURAL. What Mary KNEW was that she wanted that kid out of her pronto and probably for everyone else to just shut the fuck up about it. THAT’S what she knew, Kenny. Okay? Kapeesh?

I’m actually not sure how historically accurate that is (OR how to spell “kapeesh”), but you get my point.  Kenny Rogers is the devil. That’s my point.

Oh also hey, MAJIC 95 – 1986 called and it wants its lame bullshit song about Grandma getting run over by a reindeer back. That shit wasn’t funny the first time we heard it and it’s DEFINITELY not funny now, 20-plus years and 5 million plays later. I’d rather eat an entire jar of Baconnaise in one sitting than hear that fucking song again, yet there you go, playing it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, like you don’t even KNOW how much it sucks.

But you DO know, MAJIC 95, don’t you? Yeah. You know. And I know you know. And you know that I know that you know.

While I’m on the subject of over and over and over and over and over again, can I just say this?

Siiiimply haaaaaaving awonderfulChristmastime Siiiimply haaaaaaving awonderfulChristmastime Siiiimply haaaaaving awonderfulChristmastime Siiiimply haaaaaaving awonderfulChristmastime Siiiimply haaaaaaving awonderfulChristmastime

Siiiimply haaaaaaving awonderfulChristmastime

Know why I said that?  Because I CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. It’s like a hot branding iron burned those words into my brain, forever marking me as the song’s slave and victim. And Paul McCartney is also the devil. That’s my other point.

You’re singing it now, too, aren’t you? You thought I was overreacting before, didn’t you? But now you understand, don’t you? There really IS such a thing as too much Christmas. Even my KID gets it (“Mommy, I donWANT that song! Tun OFF! Tun OFF!”), and he’s two and a half. It doesn’t take a mental giant to understand that MAJIC 95 is trying to kill us all, one shitty holiday song at a time.

But wait!  You thought I was done, but I’m not, because there’s this:

What the FUCK, Dan Fogelberg? What kind of crack were you on when you wrote that? Can you say “Most Depressing Christmas Song EVER”?

This may be the most annoying blog post I’ve ever written. I don’t know, I’ve written some pretty annoying shit, but this has got to at least make the top five. I’m going to stop now before I get started on Bruce Springsteen and John Denver and the dogs THOSE GODDAMNED DOGS – because I think that just *might* send me over the edge, I mean, really, OVER. THE. EDGE — and I don’t think anyone wants that.

Except MAJIC 95.  Apparently.

beej

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25 Responses to “WTF, Dan Fogelberg?”

  1. Well, that was a piece of shit song. “She married her an architect?” Well, I am certainly glad she knew how to speak English correctly! Or maybe that’s Southern English…is it? I’m not putting you folks from the South down…well, maybe I am…guess it doesn’t matter. Still, like you said, depressing song!

    Oh, and you are right, the little Bean is probably one of the cutest kids in Texas…and I hear that’s a big southern state. So, kudos to you for for donating the DNA! Merry Holidays!

  2. We have a station here that has been playing non-stop Christmas music since November 1. That Dan Fogleberg song is awful. And the fact that he passed away a couple years ago makes it more depressing (I know this fact bc the year he passed away they would mention it AFTER the song played. Merry Christmas to you too, radio station, way to bring us all down). My “This Christmas Song is Too Much” song is Kenny Loggins “Celebrate me Home” which has absolutely NO mention of Christmas but was played ad nauseum last year, even though it was recorded in 1989.

  3. FYI, I had to start singing Paul McCartney’s song to get that stupid Fogelberg song out of it…now I am screwed! Thanks.

  4. Confession – Sometimes when I hear that Dan Fogelberg song this time of year, it reminds me of an old boyfriend. One who enjoyed the liquor and would quite likely be at a grocery store on a holiday eve purchasing said drink, and then, OK, I get a little bit weepy. I know. I KNOW!! In the end, I don’t know which of us is more lame, me or Dan Fogelberg.

    Dan Fogelberg. Dan Fogelberg is so much more lame.

  5. I know you didn’t mean to leave Mannheim Steamroller off your list of Christmas music to love…

  6. First, that IS how you spell kapeesh. But you shouldn’t use it. Anyone with a kid that Christmas Music Album Cover Cute … it doesn’t work. I can just see you do the hand gesture. Guess what. Don’t.

    Majic has family all around the US, and each sibling is equally devoted to the mental and emotional destruction of our species. According to the evidence presented, Dan Fogelberg is on it. Species traitor. This is like “V” all over again, except with a terrible holiday soundtrack and hot cocoa.

  7. Last night while channel surfing I discovered that our satellite offerings have increased to include approximately 10 channels of holiday music, including one whole station devoted to Hanukkah music. Now, I don’t want to display my complete ignorance of Jewish pop culture, but are there really that many Hanukkah songs out there? Or is it just Adam Sandler and that dreidel song alternating 24 hours a day?

    Because that may be worse that Majic 95.

  8. Look, Dan, the reason your old girlfriend didn’t recognize you at first is because you’ve gained 150 pounds. She spilled her purse as a distraction. And the whole “laugh until we cried” part? Yeah, she’s laughing because she’s so damn glad she dumped you.

    And Kenny? I love your snowy white hair, but we have to talk. See, I’m raising a near genius myself, and if I knew all the shit when I was pregnant that I know now…well, there’s no telling what the fuck I would do. That whole “ignorance is bliss” is fucking ordained, man.

  9. Just turn off the radio and put on your Emmett Otter’s Jug Band Christmas DVD. Then put some Bailey’s in your hot cocoa and everything will be ok. Promise.

  10. Ok, I actually love that Fogelberg song, BUT, I am TOTALLY with you on the others!!! Siiimply haaaving…..makes me want to shove forks into my ears!! And Bruce? Seriously would punch him in the junk for that one!

  11. I can’t believe that you didn’t mention the worst Christmas Song of All Time, “The Christmas Shoes.” How could you neglect to talk about how physically painful it is to listen to that douche bag “singer” go on and on about that dirty boy who needs some shoes for his mom that’s dying? Frankly, I’d like to take my Christmas Shoes and ram them down his god damned throat.

  12. I love Dan Fogelberg – but HATE that frickin’ song! I could listen the Charlie Brown Christmas sound track all day long, though.

    what a cutie little bean you have there sporting his holiday sweater and all!

  13. baconaisse. yum.

  14. You missed some: Dominick the Donkey? The drunk lady singing 12 Days of Christmas? Shoot me now.

  15. Must confess I love that Fogelberg song–haven’t heard it in ages!

    Where can I get me some baconaisse? Sounds yummy!

  16. OH EM GEE!! The freaking Donkey song!! I would take that damn donkey out back and shoot it if I could! GAH

  17. i like the spanish subtitles. and dude, mary getting in trouble for fornicating with someone else until joseph realizes she was fornicating with GOD. mary was a bamf. she got away with a ton of shit and she got impregnated by GOD. you don’t fuck around with women that fuck around with a god. look at persephone.

  18. Oh shit.
    That Fogelberg song can make me cry.

    I am sorry to have to reveal this most lame part of myself to you.

    Here’s some Baconnaise.

  19. Is that the one that has that horrible Delilah at night?

    And crank up the Charles Brown “Merry Christmas, Baby” song. It’s good for what ails ya.

  20. Yup,Wendi that’s the one. I know because where I live we have magicfucking98, and because I am so lame I listen to it enough that Three actually asks for magic 98 and sings “Magic Ninety-EIGHT” along with the horrible jingle.

    Now I am about to do something evil. It’s Suzy’s fault from HotComesToDie.

    Mariah alwaysalwaysalways on a Walgreens Carey: All I Want for Christmas is You.

  21. Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. George Michael needed to be hung by his dolphin shorts for that one.

  22. Okay first of all…one of the creepiest “Christmas” videos ever made. Sencondly…SEIZURES and Spanish subtitles is what this should have been called.
    Thirdly…was there a third? I can’t remember because my eyes and ears are bleeding. Oh! The blue eyes this woman supposedly had?…Brown, they were shit brown in the video. If he couldn’t tell what color her eyes were, chances are he reaaally couldn’t tell if the years had been a friend to her.

    This song is “sooo shoot me in the face”.

    Thanks Bejewell, I’m going to off myself after I get you the conditioner. :o P

    Hahaha oh yeah, the sax at the end reminds me of L.A. Law…aaah Harry Hamlin.

  23. I have been surfing online more than three hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It’s pretty worth enough for me. Personally, if all website owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the net will be a lot more useful than ever before.

  24. i am not in this universe. i am in an old, old universe. You didn’t even mention Gene Autry and “All i want from Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” (i’m still looking for them and couple of others) and Gene’s “Frosty the Snowman,” but that’s all right because Christmas is Christmas. Mary did a good thing in spite of some pretty crappy surroundings. And the Christmases special to me were the wonder i had until about ten years old and the ones i have spent with my daughters. i am no longer into Christmas except to be where i need to be for others. That is sad, but i am old and it is okay,and Richelle had it right about your blog two years ago.

  25. I know I’m way late to the party, but who actually likes that Paul McCartney song? I don’t know a single soul who does. I hate it with the intensity of a million and one twinkle lights. Kill it with fire.

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