First published December 10, 2009. I’m trotting it out again because it still holds true, and also because LOOK AT MY BABY WHO’S NOT A BABY ANYMORE. (SOB)
Listen, I love the holidays as much as the next guy, I really do. And I love them even MORE this year, because this year my little Bean’s discovering Christmas for the first time, with the trees and the tinsel and the gifts and the stockings, and we’re suddenly VERY concerned about our status on The List, and we’re keeping watch out the front window in case Santa should arrive, and we want to watch the Grinch and Snoopy and wrap presents and sing Jingle Bells and MY GOD THE CUTE, PEOPLE. I swear this kid could take down an entire city block with all that cute.
Every year there’s got to be some big douche out there ruining Christmas for everyone else. And this year the “Big Douche Ruining Christmas” Award goes to MAJIC 95.5, the so-called “easy listening” station that can’t even spell its own name, which plays non-stop Christmas music the entire month of December. Which would be fine, if there were more than three Christmas albums in the world that didn’t suck, but there aren’t — it’s Bing Crosby, George Winston, and Vince Guaraldi, and everything else sucks balls, and that is that. (And if you’re going to comment now that some other Christmas album’s just as good, don’t even bother because I’m not listening to your bullshit. Bing. Vince. George. The. End.)
I swear to god if Kenny Rogers asks Mary if she “knew” ONE MORE TIME I’m going to beat someone to death with baby Jesus from the nativity scene down the street. Why don’t you leave Mary the fuck ALONE, Kenny? Hasn’t she done enough? Now she has to answer YOUR stupid ass questions too? I’LL tell you what Mary knew, she knew that she was nine months pregnant and riding a fucking DONKEY in the middle of nowhere, and some dicksneeze innkeeper made her sleep in the BARN, where she was trapped with a bunch of farm animals and some random dudes in robes just standing around with their smelly spices and shit, ogling her junk while she gave birth with NO EPIDURAL. What Mary KNEW was that she wanted that kid out of her pronto and probably for everyone else to just shut the fuck up about it. THAT’S what she knew, Kenny. Okay? Kapeesh?
I’m actually not sure how historically accurate that is (OR how to spell “kapeesh”), but you get my point. Kenny Rogers is the devil. That’s my point.
Oh also hey, MAJIC 95 – 1986 called and it wants its lame bullshit song about Grandma getting run over by a reindeer back. That shit wasn’t funny the first time we heard it and it’s DEFINITELY not funny now, 20-plus years and 5 million plays later. I’d rather eat an entire jar of Baconnaise in one sitting than hear that fucking song again, yet there you go, playing it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, like you don’t even KNOW how much it sucks.
But you DO know, MAJIC 95, don’t you? Yeah. You know. And I know you know. And you know that I know that you know.
While I’m on the subject of over and over and over and over and over again, can I just say this?
Siiiimply haaaaaaving awonderfulChristmastime Siiiimply haaaaaaving awonderfulChristmastime Siiiimply haaaaaving awonderfulChristmastime Siiiimply haaaaaaving awonderfulChristmastime Siiiimply haaaaaaving awonderfulChristmastime
Siiiimply haaaaaaving awonderfulChristmastime
Know why I said that? Because I CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. It’s like a hot branding iron burned those words into my brain, forever marking me as the song’s slave and victim. And Paul McCartney is also the devil. That’s my other point.
You’re singing it now, too, aren’t you? You thought I was overreacting before, didn’t you? But now you understand, don’t you? There really IS such a thing as too much Christmas. Even my KID gets it (“Mommy, I donWANT that song! Tun OFF! Tun OFF!”), and he’s two and a half. It doesn’t take a mental giant to understand that MAJIC 95 is trying to kill us all, one shitty holiday song at a time.
But wait! You thought I was done, but I’m not, because there’s this:
What the FUCK, Dan Fogelberg? What kind of crack were you on when you wrote that? Can you say “Most Depressing Christmas Song EVER”?
This may be the most annoying blog post I’ve ever written. I don’t know, I’ve written some pretty annoying shit, but this has got to at least make the top five. I’m going to stop now before I get started on Bruce Springsteen and John Denver and the dogs THOSE GODDAMNED DOGS – because I think that just *might* send me over the edge, I mean, really, OVER. THE. EDGE — and I don’t think anyone wants that.
Except MAJIC 95. Apparently.