Bejewell on December 18th, 2009

So this is like, the BEST thing I have ever seen, and I love it and I must have one and if it’s not under the tree for me this Christmas I’m kicking someone’s ass.


Brookstone SAYS it’s a head and scalp massager, but I’m pretty sure it’s really alien brainwashing technology.  Or possibly a zombie brain-eating serving dish.  Or maybe some kind of device developed by sexually frustrated giant people to use regular-sized humans as dildos.  All of which are SUPER COOL and make this a MUST HAVE this holiday season, and I would know because WHO called the Snuggie the best Christmas present EVER last year?  ME, that’s who.  And now look around you — people are giving out Snuggies like candy canes.  Christmas morning is going to look like a soft, velvety KKK convention in houses across the country this year. 

So clearly I know awesome shit when I see it.  Just like Oprah.

And you know, if I was Oprah, I would immediately resurrect the old “Free Shit for Christmas” show and give everyone in the audience a Dildo Helmet.  At first they’d probably be a little confused but I’d explain to them that it’s awesome and hey, I’m fucking OPRAH so I’m sure they’d warm up to the idea really fast. And then the entire audience would be screaming and clapping for me in their Dildo Helmets, and my life would be complete.

So anyway, my point is, I desperately need a Dildo Helmet for Christmas.  I KNOW with absolute certainty that it will make me happy because look:


Just look at how HAPPY these people are!  Have you ever seen ANYONE so happy?  This thing must make you high or put you in a trance or something, because these people don’t seem to even notice or care at all that they shelled out nearly 200 bucks to listen to shitty new age music while looking like giant dildos.  I wish I could be that happy!

Oh, and did I mention that Brookstone is offering FREE SHIPPING?  I know this because it says so on every single one of the 5,000 emails I’ve received from Brookstone this month.  But hurry, it’s only free shipping for the next 48 hours, if you don’t order now you’ll have to wait until the NEXT 48-hour free shipping period starts.  Which is tomorrow.  Obviously.

So get on it, folks!




P.S.  Also, the Dildo Helmet uses magnets for something, I’m not really sure what they do but by the time it’s done lobotomizing you, you won’t care anymore, anyway.

P.P.S. Some of the customer reviews mentioned that you might want to be careful not to fasten the Dildo Helmet too tight.  Because I think your brains might pop out or something.  And then the aliens win.

P.P.P.S.  Or maybe Hannibal Lecter will show up and spoon your brains out and feed them to you for dinner.  Or dessert?  I don’t know.  Ask Ray Liotta.

P.P.P.P.S. Are brains sweet, like pie?  Or are they more meat-like?  Would Ray Liotta know?  Does anyone have his number?

P.P.P.P.P.S.  This Brains: Pie or Meat? question is important.  I think everyone who reads this post should call the Brookstone customer service line at 1-800-926-7000 and ask a representative.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S.  Also, while you have them on the line, you should ask about this item, which was featured on the “Other Brookstone Solutions” list:


Be sure to ask exactly when Brookstone became the “Totally Unnecessary Stuff that Looks Like Dildos” store, and why that isn’t their tag line.  Because, seriously, “A World of Innovation”? LAME.


P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.  Also, ask them if they know Ray Liotta.  I always liked that guy.

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20 Responses to “All I Want for Christmas is This Dildo Helmet”

  1. I think Ray Liotta would have looked hot wearing the Dildo Hat In “Operation Dumbo Drop”…I mean….That was an Oscar winning performance to start with – but with the Dildo Hat…He would have been a shoe in.

  2. Oh my god, they DO look like KKK robes. It’s a KKK conspiracy! I think you are on to something.

    Also, I would like to know what you purchased from Brookstone to ensure that you ended up on their mailing list. Hmmmm?

  3. classic beej. love this post. “soft, velvety KKK convention.” awesome.

    merry christmas my real life friend from the blogosphere.

  4. That was so amusing I had to get my stumbleupon on…and order twenty vibrator hats for my nearest and dearest. I can’t wait to have blue cartoon notes floating around my head while boiling my cerebral fluid.

  5. Great tagline! Maybe you should get into the advertising world. Love it.

  6. Now I have the image of Jack climbing up the Beanstalk …wearing the dildo helmet…to give the Giant (or his Giant wife) some lovin’ large for Xmas …stuck in my head.

    so jealous about that, btw.

  7. It’s the expression on the guy’s face in the ad that does it for me. I almost died. Seriously! I gotta get me some of that happy! Stat!!!

  8. Ray Liotta brains taste different than anyone else’s because they are smothered in awesomely creepy fantastic sauce.

  9. Based on the orgasmic spasms Oprah’s audience goes into whenever she’s given them a camera or a box set of DVDs or a pair of pajamas (my question – Hey, Oprah, what if those damn free pajamas don’t come in my size, hmmm?) in her previous holiday fests, I fear that the dildo hat would incite such mind shocking bliss in the place that Harpo Studios would explode, and it would probably be such a massive site, you could see it from space.

    However, that would be totally worth it.

    p.s. I want one. I’d wear it while wrapped up in my slanket. Damn right.

  10. “And then the entire audience would be screaming and clapping for me in their Dildo Helmets, and my life would be complete.”

    Absolutely brilliant. I can’t stop laughing at the image of an audience full of Oprah zombies wearing dildo helmets clapping and making orgasm faces like Meg Ryan in “Harry Fucked Sally” (or whatever it was called).

    My deepest thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in a while.

  11. I’m laughing so hard the dog came in to check on me. I may have peed a little too.
    Personally, and I only know this from dissection class, but brains feel like scrambled eggs. In something dead anyway.
    I won’t speculate on how they might taste.

  12. It looks like the helmets the “special” kids on the short bus had to wear!

  13. What I wanna know, does it plug in or take batteries? Thanks for the freakin laugh today, I needed it!

  14. my mom and dad have that wine opener…now i don’t think i can go to their house ever again.

  15. Hahahahaha! Zombie brain-eating serving dish. What a stupid invention.

  16. no way is he going to score with that on his head

  17. Now I know why I’m — thankfully! — not on the Brookstone list. Thanks for the laugh…

  18. Looks more like a mind control helmet than a dildo helmet xD

  19. Only $200, what a deal! lol


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