Mid-November
JETT SUPERIOR: Hey, people on Twitter! Wanna do an ornament exchange? It’ll be FUN! I’ll organize it and everything, all you have to do is buy ONE ornament and send it to the person I pair you with. Okay? Wanna?
ME: Oh, Jett Superior, I love you so much, you’re like my favorite blogger ever and I’d do pretty much anything you asked. Even though I’m the laziest, most disorganized and forgetful motherfucker on the planet, I’m going to volunteer because it’s YOU. It’s Christmas! There will be a Christmas miracle and I WILL REMEMBER!
JETT SUPERIOR: Great! Just be sure your ornament’s in the mail to Trout Towers by December 4, so it’ll get there in plenty of time!
ME: You bet! I’ll pick the best ornament that ever existed and have it in the mail even BEFORE December 4, that’s how serious I am! I’m going to the best ornament exchanger EVER! Trout Towers will hear angels sing when she opens my ornament! You will all cry tears of happiness and rejoice in my wonderfulness!
JETT SUPERIOR: Okay, yeah, whatever. Great.
ME: Wanna make out?
JETT SUPERIOR: Umm, I have to go now.
ME: Oh, okay, maybe later.
Later that afternoon
ME: (to the Big Bean) Dude, DO NOT let me forget this ornament thing, okay?
BIG BEAN: Huh?
ME: I’m doing an ornament exchange and I don’t want to fuck it up.
BIG BEAN: What the hell is an ornament exchange?
ME: Are you high? It’s exactly what it sounds like. People exchange ornaments for Christmas.
BIG BEAN: Why would you do that?
ME: I don’t know, it’s for Jett Superior, and I love her and I want her to love me too, so I said I’d do it.
BIG BEAN: Yeah, but you’re the laziest, most disorganized and forgetful motherfucker on the planet. There’s no way you’re not going fuck it up.
ME: I KNOW THAT’S WHY I’M ASKING YOU TO HELP ME, DUMBASS.
BIG BEAN: (watching TV) Oh. (scratching balls) Okay, whatever.
Thanksgiving
VISITING STEPMOTHER: What are you doing?
ME: (surfing Internet) I’m finding the PERFECT Christmas ornament for an ornament exchange I’m doing!
VISITING STEPMOTHER: YOU’RE doing an ornament exchange?
ME: Yeah. So?
VISITING STEPMOTHER: I just wouldn’t expect YOU to participate in an ornament exchange. You’re the laziest, most disorganized and forgetful motherfucker on the planet.
ME: I know but this is for Jett Superior. She’s badass and I love her and want her to make out with me so I’m doing this. I have to find the best ornament ever for Trout Towers. What do you think of this one? I found it at a site called “Pornaments.”
VISITING STEPMOTHER: (shocked silence)
ME: I’ll take that as a no. What about this one instead? I love this one.
VISITING STEPMOTHER: I don’t think you’re understanding the point of the ornament exchange.
ME: Come ON! Don’t tell me you don’t LOVE that one?!?! It’s hilarious!!!
Seriously? You don’t like it?
VISITING STEPMOTHER: (continued silence)
ME: Oh okay, Buzzkill. Fine. I’ll tone it down. How about this one? This one’s nice and lame.
VISITING STEPMOTHER: Well, you’re getting warmer…
ME: Look, I can’t go any more appropriate than that. It just wouldn’t be me. I get it, I can’t be SUPER awesome because some people (accusatory glance at Visiting Stepmother) can’t handle it, but this is as far as I go into Lame Ass Territory. I’m ordering it now. Look at me! I’m, like, responsible and shit!
December 5
ME: Yay! My Bite Me ornament is here!
BIG BEAN: Huh?
ME: You know, my ornament? For the exchange? The one I told you about? The one I asked you to remember?
BIG BEAN: Huh?
ME: GODDAMMIT YOU ARE USELESS.
BIG BEAN: Did you say something?
ME: I’m just putting it here in my purse so I don’t forget to send it tomorrow so it gets to Trout Towers in plenty of time for Christmas. I’m going to send it tomorrow. I’m going to send it tomorrow. I am. I really am. don’tforgetdon’tforgetdon’tforget.
BIG BEAN: (scratching balls) Huh?
December 12
ME: (checking the mail and finding a fantastic Grinch ornament from the exchange) SHIT!!! I completely forgot to mail my ornament!!
BIG BEAN: Huh?
ME: I FORGOT! I said I wasn’t going to forget but I did, and my ornament is still at the bottom of my purse and I didn’t mail it, and now I’m LATE, and I said I wasn’t going to fuck off this time but I did, and no way is Jett Superior going to make out with me now.
BIG BEAN: You should really get a different purse. You’re always losing stuff in that black hole.
ME: Hey hon, why don’t you go open yourself a big can of Shut the Fuck Up?
BIG BEAN: (scratching balls)
ME: (regrouping, sadly hopeful) Okay, I can still do this. I’ll mail it tomorrow. I’ll send it express, and it’ll still get there in plenty of time. I can totally recover from this, I know it.
December 17
JETT SUPERIOR: Hey Beej, ummm, did you forget something?
ME: (silently, to self) SHIIIIIIITTTT!!!!! I really AM the laziest, most disorganized and forgetful motherfucker on the planet!
(panicked, digging through purse for ornament, pulling out sad, broken gingerbread man)
(totally lying) Oh, HAHAHA yeah, I KNOW, Jett Superior, I wouldn’t forget YOU!! I’m just running a little *late* that’s all! HA HAH AHAHAA! It should be there in the next few days, swearsies! (fingers crossed behind back)
JETT SUPERIOR: (silence)
ME: Please don’t hate me, Jett Superior. I love you. I love you. I love you.
JETT SUPERIOR: (no response)
ME: Can we still make out?
JETT SUPERIOR: (stone cold, silence)
ME: (to Big Bean) Great. Now she’ll NEVER make out with me and IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.
BIG BEAN: (farts)
December 18
ME: (desperately hunting for an ornament that I can ship two-day express) All these ornaments SUCK! All the good ones are sold out or not available for two-day shipping.
BIG BEAN: You shouldn’t have waited so long.
ME: Shut the fuck up.
NOW what do I do? Even the pornaments can’t be sent to get there by Christmas. I’m so screwed.
Wait! What about the gingerbread man? I can just RE-ORDER it and have it sent directly to Trout Towers! Ohmygod I’m brilliant! That will totally work!
BIG BEAN: Why didn’t you just do that from the beginning?
ME: Exactly what part of “Shut the fuck up” do you not understand?
December 21
ME: I should probably check and make sure my ornament got there okay. Hey, Café Press, is my ornament at Trout Towers’ place yet?
CAFÉ PRESS: Sorry, we can’t tell you that.
ME: What do you mean, you can’t tell me that? I paid for express shipping.
CAFÉ PRESS: No you didn’t.
ME: ??!?! The hell? Of course I did!
CAFÉ PRESS: No, you didn’t.
ME: Yes I did.
CAFÉ PRESS: No, you didn’t.
ME: Yes I did.
CAFÉ PRESS: Look, idiot, we can go on like this all day, but you didn’t pay for express shipping, and we can’t tell you if the ornament has reached its destination, or if we’ve even mailed it, because we’re stupid and we suck big balls and you should have just had the ornament sent directly to Trout Towers from the start, then this conversation wouldn’t be necessary, Trout Towers would already have her ornament and Jett Superior would be making out with you RIGHT NOW. You’re the laziest, most disorganized and forgetful motherfucker on the planet. You suck.
ME: I want my money back.
CAFÉ PRESS: Get fucked, loser.
ME: BITE ME.
BIG BEAN: (suddenly attentive) Hey, isn’t that what your ornament says? That’s funny.
ME: SHUT.
THE.
FUCK.
UP.
BIG BEAN: (shrugs) (farts)
***
My apologies to both Trout Towers AND Jett Superior, on behalf of both myself AND shitty ass Café Press. We both suck big balls. Trout Towers, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas, even if your Bite Me ornament doesn’t make it in time. May it at least bring you joy NEXT year, and many more Christmases to come. And Jett Superior, I hope you will still make out with me one day. I am an excellent kisser.
Happy holidays, one and all!
(AKA “The laziest, most disorganized and forgetful motherfucker on the planet”)
Stumble it!
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:08 pm
There is this lone, reserve picture of my boobs that I send only to select people on the intardwebs. I am thinking of having it framed for you, not just e-mailing it to you, because this entry made me laugh so hard that a couple of my patients demanded to know what was so damn funny. I would have loved it even if Troutie and I hadn’t been linked one-million times each.
You are completely stuffed with badass, yourself, and you are not the only person that sucks. I totally dropped the ball on your last e-mail to me. GAH.
We both get a stocking full of dead spiders for Chrimmuh.
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Angels sang. Swear. They sounded like they’d been smoking since childhood, but they sure as shit sang.
Thank you.
December 23rd, 2009 at 3:12 pm
I never said, “Motherfucker”, you lazy, disorganized, forgetful motherfucker…and the “Bite Me!” ornament is still the best.
December 23rd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I would of voted for the 2nd ornament. What kind of web site did you visit to find these? They are “Interesting”.
December 23rd, 2009 at 5:49 pm
I need all three of those ornaments, STAT! I’m finally in the holiday spirit now.
December 23rd, 2009 at 7:13 pm
i think your stepmom did say “motherfucker” but i believe she was talking to me.
December 24th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Pornament or no pornament, have an awesome Christmas, Beej! You’ve earned it
December 25th, 2009 at 12:23 am
The fact that nearly everyone IN this story actually commented may make it the best post ever! hehe
And, Pornaments?? How the hell did you find those?!
=)
Merry Christmas!!!
December 25th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
And once again, you are Teh Awesome!
Well your writing is, your ornament sending ability…ummm…
I wish I had a stepmom that could say motherfucker.
December 27th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
okay, i have searched the web with some disingenuous pleasure for pornaments, but did not find any of those above. What’s the site address. i need them for my curmudgeon friends next year.
December 28th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Ratfucksonofabitch motherfucker!
You just reminded me that my brothers present is still in MY bag. It is the 28th. I do believe I win at teh lazy.
Our bags should get together. We could probably feed and clothe a small country with the contents.
December 28th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
This made me laugh a lot!! Happy Holidays!!
January 4th, 2010 at 5:15 pm
I really really really want to get a pornament or our tree! But, we haven’t had a birds and bees convo yet with DS, let alone trying to explain doggy style. Maybe I can put it on the top of the tree where he won’t see. Nothing screams Christmas spirit like humping cookies.