Bejewell on December 31st, 2009

So is it just me, or is this Baby New Year thing totally disturbing?  I didn’t even know what Baby New Year was until I saw the Holiday Sweater Lady in her huge blue sweater today, with a baby taking up like half her chest in its top hat and beauty pagent sash, and I was all, “Why is there a fucking BABY on your sweater?” and she was all “That’s the Baby New Year” and I was all “??!??” and she was all “Seriously? You don’t know what the Baby New Year is?” and I was all “Shut the fuck up, Myrtle, obviously I don’t know or I wouldn’t be asking” and she was all “You know my name’s not Myrtle, right?” and I was all “Well, in my head it is” and she gave me a really dirty look and walked away.

And then I was confused so I consulted the Internet because it knows everything and would nevernever lie to me, and it told me that Baby New Year is part of the New Year’s tradition that I have somehow managed to miss out on for the past 30-something years (note to self: blame parents for this in future therapy sessions).  This little dude apparently starts out a baby on January 1st, but he ages at lightning speed throughout the year and by December 31st he’s grown into an old man – Father Time – and then when the clock strikes midnight there’s suddenly a NEW Baby New Year running around in his shitty diaper and hat.

The Internet never really explained what happens to the old guy then, but I’m guessing he is murdered and that’s why they have the fireworks, to cover up the gunshots.  So remember that this year when you’re drinking your champagne and kissing your honey and barfing into the toilet of some random acquaintance — an old man just took a BULLET for you, dude.  Happy New Year.

So anyway, then the Internet laughed and pointed at me and called me stupid for not knowing all that already, and then it showed me some pictures of Baby New Year and I’ve been completely messed up ever since because nearly every picture showed Baby New Year in some insanely terrible situation that I’m pretty sure Child Protective Services would freak the fuck out over.

For starters, don’t even TRY to tell me this baby’s not totally drunk:




And if he’s not drunk, he’s in some other kind of mortal danger:



So what I’m trying to say is, Baby New Year should really be in foster care.

But on the plus side, I finally understand all those dudes who run around in diapers and top hats on New Year’s.  It doesn’t make them any less idiotic but at least it makes sense to me now because before, let me tell you, I was WICKED CONFUSED.  So, there’s that.

Also, the Creepy Dude kept asking me today what my plans were for New Year’s Eve even though I’d already told him repeatedly that I don’t give a shit about New Year’s Eve, because the clock is going to switch over from 2009 to 2010 tonight whether or not I’m stupid drunk, so I’d really rather just get some sleep and spare myself the embarrassment of the slurred speech and random falling down and barfiness that always seem to result when I collide with champagne.  But he kept asking, because he obviously missed that whole “I don’t give a shit” part and also because he really, desperately wanted me to ask him about HIS plans for New Year’s, which I DID NOT DO and would NEVER DO unless someone set me on fire and told me the only way they would extinguish me is if I asked the Creepy Dude about his plans for New Year’s.  And even THEN I’d have to ask for a little time to think about it.

And you probably think it’s just because I don’t want to give him the satisfaction, but really it’s because I’m absolutely terrified that his New Year’s plans might involve some kind of diaper and top hat.  And if you have a mental image of that floating around in your head now, you’re welcome.

Happy New Year!


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19 Responses to “Baby New Year: Somebody Call Child Protective Services”

  1. i never told you about the New Year baby/old man aging stuff because i did not want you to a) freak out, b) believe your father had completely lost his mind.

    But then, i never imagined you would run into Holiday Sweater Lady (by the way, what the hell does she wear when there isn’t a holiday nearby?) and Creepy Dude.

    Oh yeh, i think people who don’t stay up on New Year’s Eve have a hell of a lot better New Year’s Day, if not the whole year.

  2. I’ve been calling everyone in my family baby new year, and the boys are getting so pissed off.

    Happy New Year, Beej. Thanks for making me laugh, and validating my own very busy insane mind.

    Shel (Silverstein)

  3. That was awesome. Your New Years babies made me giggle.

  4. There was a spin off of “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” where the baby new year runs away because his ears are huge and people laugh at him. I think Jack Frost tries to kidnap him to keep the new year from coming and also some kind of creepy vulture is in on it. Rudolph and friends end up time-traveling to the different holidays to find him. All I want to know is where does the baby new year come from? Who are his parents? I’ve watched the “Rudolph” special several times and nothing.

  5. I still don’t understand why you don’t have a million readers (all at one time, not over the course of ten years or sommat) when you write shit like this all. the. tiiiime.

    @Apryl: Maybe Baby New Year is Jesus’ illegitimate and not-spoken-of brother.

  6. Well colour me stupid, I’d never heard of Baby New Year either! Perhaps we don’t have him down here in Australia, although I don’t know why we wouldn’t; we have every other ludicrous thing the US has come up with. Except maybe spray-on cheese….oh hang on…there is Baz Luhrman’s ‘Australia’ so may be we have spray-on cheese too…..
    Anyway, I for one, as a mandatory notifier, will be making that call to social services because it is alcoholically obvious why that baby is aging so fast in one year! Maybe he is not so much murdered on NYE as euthanased?

  7. Okay, faaaaantastic post, and I have three things to say —

    1- I have always heard of baby new year and just thought the idea was odd in a silly pointless way, now I think it is odd in a creepy slasher film kind of way, where do these babies come from, where do they go, is there gonna be a Dateline investigates piece about the lost babies, adn how creepy is that?

    2- Never considered what happens to the old dude each year, thank you very much for planting the murder theme in my head, I will not be sleeping tonight if ever again.

    3- I think I love you. Tonight is the first time I read your blog, I will now stalk you.

    Happy New Year,

  8. I’ve never really thought too much about Baby New Year, but you’re totally right. Who lets a baby drink that much booze anyway? I’d like to think that somehow Father Time is his actual father and is too old and senile to care. Also, (and I know it’s actually warm in lots of places in the world), but January is typically cold and that baby’s wearing a diaper and a smile. This post brought the LOLz (my highest compliment for a blog). :)

  9. As Apryl posted, I learned about Baby New Year through Rudolph movies on TV. Here – I found a snippet on youtube

  10. HOLY SHIT! You are totally shitting me, right?

    Baby New Year?


    That is seriously fucked up. EVERYONE knows it is old man New Year and then by June he turns into Brad Pitt and you can have your dirty wicked way with him and then around Halloween dress him up as a pumpkin and leave him in a pumpkin patch.

    I cannot wait till June… bow chicka bow bow.

  11. You are completely and utterly right about how creepy the baby new year is. I knew about it, but I could never get the point really. January is supposed to be like raising a newborn, and by April we’re fighting a teenager, and sometime around Halloween we’re in the market for Depends? Not exactly a metaphor that seems particularly poignant or useful.

    But Happy New Year anyway!

  12. I never knew this. Also, that second top-hat baby looks sunburned.

  13. I always thought the New Year’s baby was born on January 1st and died an old man on December 31st. Sort of like a reverse Benjamin Button baby who is actually born a baby – but ages to an old dude in 12 months. I actually think I just wrote a treatment for a screen play, huh?

  14. I haven’t stopped shuddering since I read this days ago.

    You’re so right. And it’s so creepy.

  15. I had never heard of the internet baby either until I read this. You’re not alone.

  16. I agree that is too freakin creepy! However, I don’t have a prob with a great mental image of a sexy naked adult guy with only a top hat and a diaper on. Does that make me strange?

  17. Why you always tryin’ to harsh Baby New Year’s buzz? Baby New Year just tryin’ to have some fun after bein’ shut up with the Christmas decorations all year, man. Shoot.

  18. Another new year is coming soon. What is the next story?

  19. I’ve had quite a few lame-o New Year’s Eves, which always seem to end in depressing conversations with friends about death and dying and the passage of time. I think I just need a new crowd to hang out with.

    Hope this year is better for you, or at least sparkler-free.