IKEA: Hi there! Can I help you?
ME: Yes! Finally! I’ve been walking around this store for half an hour and I’m completely turned around. I’ve never seen so many secret passages. It’s like the house from Clue. I keep looking for Mrs. Peacock, but she’s probably in the men’s room. har har Get it? *snort*
IKEA: Yes. Well. Is there something specific I can help you find?
ME: Yeah, I’d like some forks please.
IKEA: You bet! Follow me… Cutlery is just right through this secret closet compartment and around the cafeteria – did you want a meatball? No? Cinnamon roll? No? Okay, well, here we go… through this little pretend bathroom pantry, you might have to suck in your tummy a bit and oops! watch your head! and… All right, here we go. Here’s a 60-piece set of flatware with 12 forks included.
ME: Yeah. Great, but listen, I don’t want an entire SET, I just want forks.
IKEA: Right. Here they are. Along with the rest of the 60-piece set.
ME: No, I don’t want the other stuff – I just want the FORK part of the set.
IKEA: Just the fork part?
ME: Did I stutter?
IKEA: (disapproving look)
ME: Yes. Just the fork part. Michael Jordan’s been sneaking into my house and stealing my forks and now I have to replace them.
ME: (using fake sign language, speaking slowly) Mi-chael. Jor-dan. Stole. My. Forks. He’s in cahoots with Kanye West and Jay Leno to drive me bananas and together they all teamed up to distract me and steal my forks. ¿Comprendé?
ME: Just give me some fucking forks.
IKEA: Well I’m sorry ma’am, but we don’t sell just forks.
ME: Why not? You sell just SPOONS, I see them right there. A package of eight spoons, right there. See it? I want exactly that, but with forks instead. Get it?
IKEA: Yes, but we don’t sell forks like that.
ME: Why not?
IKEA: Well, we just don’t.
ME: Why not? Is it because you’re Switzerlandish? Do Switzerlandish people have something against forks?
IKEA: Actually, we’re based in SWEDEN.
ME: Whatever. What’s your problem with forks?
IKEA: We don’t HAVE a problem with forks.
ME: Yet, you refuse to sell them.
IKEA: We DO sell them. Just not alone.
ME: This all sounds very prejudicial against forks, if you ask me. The Switzerlandish people have a lot of explaining to do.
IKEA: Ma’am, we’re SWEDISH. Also, “Switzerlandish” is not a word.
ME: BUT DO YOUR PEOPLE USE FORKS?
IKEA: Yes, of course we use forks!
ME: So why don’t you SELL the forks?
IKEA: We DO sell the forks, just not on their own. We sell them as part of this nice 60-piece set. See?
ME: I don’t want your shitty 60-piece set. It doesn’t look right, anyway. Those spoons are unbelievably HUGE.
IKEA: All the better to enjoy a hot bowl of delicious soup!
ME: Look. I don’t want to ladle delicious soup into my mouth with a spoon the size of my head. It’s weird.
IKEA: Well you’re in luck, because this set ALSO comes with much smaller spoons!
ME: Those spoons are incredibly tiny! What do I want with incredibly tiny spoons?
IKEA: Well, they’re perfect for stirring things like coffee and tea.
ME: Can’t I just use a regular-sized spoon for that?
IKEA: You can if you HAVE one.
ME: Huh. (processing)
So then what’s up with the tiny forks in the set? What are THOSE good for?
IKEA: You’ve got me there.
ME: So, let me get this straight. You sell regular-sized forks, but only as part of a 60-piece set.
ME: The 60-piece set also comes with really really HUGE spoons, really really TINY spoons, and really really tiny forks that no one can explain.
ME: If I want regular-sized SPOONS, which I don’t, I can only have them if I purchase a separate package of just spoons.
ME: But I can’t get regular-sized forks that way.
ME: A sphincter says yes?
IKEA: (dead silence)
ME: Fine. Just give me the stupid fucking goddamned 60-piece set.
IKEA: You bet! Great! That’ll be fifty dollars, please!
ME: You’re an asshole.
(later, at home)
BIG BEAN: Did you get forks?
BIG BEAN: What’s this?
ME: It’s a 60-piece set of flatware, okay? I couldn’t get just forks because apparently Switzerlandish people really love their soup and have something against forks, so they forced me to buy this 60-piece set, okay? I was LOST and CONFUSED and the IKEA guy was a big sphincter and he didn’t laugh when I said “Mrs. Peacock” even though I snorted to show him how funny I was, and I just didn’t know what else to DO, okay? I just wanted some FORKS, okay? So don’t give me a hard time about it, okay? I had NO CHOICE, OKAY?!?
BIG BEAN: Who’s supposed to use these tiny forks?
ME: You’re an asshole.
BIG BEAN: Why are these spoons so big?
ME: (head explodes)Stumble it!