IKEA: Hi there! Can I help you?

ME: Yes! Finally!  I’ve been walking around this store for half an hour and I’m completely turned around. I’ve never seen so many secret passages. It’s like the house from Clue.  I keep looking for Mrs. Peacock, but she’s probably in the men’s room.  har har Get it? *snort*

IKEA: Yes. Well. Is there something specific I can help you find?

ME: Yeah, I’d like some forks please.

IKEA: You bet! Follow me… Cutlery is just right through this secret closet compartment and around the cafeteria – did you want a meatball? No? Cinnamon roll?  No? Okay, well, here we go… through this little pretend bathroom pantry, you might have to suck in your tummy a bit and oops! watch your head! and… All right, here we go.  Here’s a 60-piece set of flatware with 12 forks included.

ME: Yeah.  Great, but listen, I don’t want an entire SET, I just want forks.

IKEA: Right. Here they are. Along with the rest of the 60-piece set.

ME: No, I don’t want the other stuff – I just want the FORK part of the set.

IKEA: Just the fork part?

ME: Did I stutter?

IKEA: (disapproving look)

ME: Yes. Just the fork part. Michael Jordan’s been sneaking into my house and stealing my forks and now I have to replace them.

IKEA: ?!??

ME: (using fake sign language, speaking slowly) Mi-chael. Jor-dan. Stole. My. Forks. He’s in cahoots with Kanye West and Jay Leno to drive me bananas and together they all teamed up to distract me and steal my forks. ¿Comprendé?

IKEA: ???!!!???!

ME: Just give me some fucking forks.

IKEA: Well I’m sorry ma’am, but we don’t sell just forks.

ME: Why not?  You sell just SPOONS, I see them right there. A package of eight spoons, right there.  See it?  I want exactly that, but with forks instead.  Get it?

IKEA: Yes, but we don’t sell forks like that.

ME: Why not?

IKEA: Well, we just don’t.

ME: Why not?  Is it because you’re Switzerlandish?  Do Switzerlandish people have something against forks?

IKEA: Actually, we’re based in SWEDEN.

ME: Whatever. What’s your problem with forks?

IKEA: We don’t HAVE a problem with forks.

ME: Yet, you refuse to sell them.

IKEA: We DO sell them. Just not alone.

ME: This all sounds very prejudicial against forks, if you ask me.  The Switzerlandish people have a lot of explaining to do.

IKEA: Ma’am, we’re SWEDISH.  Also, “Switzerlandish” is not a word.

ME: BUT DO YOUR PEOPLE USE FORKS?

IKEA: Yes, of course we use forks!

ME: So why don’t you SELL the forks?

IKEA: We DO sell the forks, just not on their own. We sell them as part of this nice 60-piece set.  See?

ME: I don’t want your shitty 60-piece set.  It doesn’t look right, anyway.  Those spoons are unbelievably HUGE.

IKEA: All the better to enjoy a hot bowl of delicious soup!

ME: Look. I don’t want to ladle delicious soup into my mouth with a spoon the size of my head.  It’s weird.

IKEA: Well you’re in luck, because this set ALSO comes with much smaller spoons!

ME: Those spoons are incredibly tiny!  What do I want with incredibly tiny spoons?

IKEA: Well, they’re perfect for stirring things like coffee and tea.

ME: Can’t I just use a regular-sized spoon for that?

IKEA: You can if you HAVE one.

ME: Huh. (processing)

So then what’s up with the tiny forks in the set?  What are THOSE good for?

IKEA: You’ve got me there.

ME: So, let me get this straight.  You sell regular-sized forks, but only as part of a 60-piece set.

IKEA: Yes.

ME: The 60-piece set also comes with really really HUGE spoons, really really TINY spoons, and really really tiny forks that no one can explain.

IKEA: Yes.

ME: If I want regular-sized SPOONS, which I don’t, I can only have them if I purchase a separate package of just spoons.

IKEA: Yes.

ME: But I can’t get regular-sized forks that way.

IKEA: Yes.

ME: A sphincter says yes?

IKEA: (dead silence)

ME: Fine. Just give me the stupid fucking goddamned 60-piece set.

IKEA: You bet! Great! That’ll be fifty dollars, please!

ME: You’re an asshole.

(later, at home)

BIG BEAN: Did you get forks?

ME: Yeah.

BIG BEAN: What’s this?

ME: It’s a 60-piece set of flatware, okay?  I couldn’t get just forks because apparently Switzerlandish people really love their soup and have something against forks, so they forced me to buy this 60-piece set, okay?  I was LOST and CONFUSED and the IKEA guy was a big sphincter and he didn’t laugh when I said “Mrs. Peacock” even though I snorted to show him how funny I was, and I just didn’t know what else to DO, okay? I just wanted some FORKS, okay?  So don’t give me a hard time about it, okay?  I had NO CHOICE, OKAY?!?

BIG BEAN: Who’s supposed to use these tiny forks?

ME: You’re an asshole.

BIG BEAN: Why are these spoons so big?

ME: (head explodes)

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27 Responses to “Switzerlandish People Don’t Use Forks. Tell Your Friends.”

  1. I guess I need to go to IKEA then, because someone is sneaking into my house at night and stealing spoons. I have no idea where they go, but we’re down by 4.

  2. i don’t think Grandma Mo regularly shops at the Switzerlandish store, but last night, she brought out these really tiny forks for little tiny people. i’m worried.

  3. Oh my god….you are freaking hilarious!! Laughing my ass off here – hey, maybe just reading your blog will be my new workout plan – laugh my ass off and work my abs! YAY! Thanks, Beej!

  4. I am having the same problem as hokgardner, my spoons are disappearing. Is Michael Jordan working on getting a full 60 piece set?

  5. Aren’t those shrimp forks?

    Or maybe Switzerlandish people are really short and need tiny shrimp forks. You don’t hear of any of them playing basketball over here. Hell, even the Chinese have tall people in basketball.

  6. The teeny tiny spoons are for feeding babies. The teeny tiny forks are for stabbing the food that babies throw on the floor. The giant spoons are for feeding Jack in the Beanstalk’s giant when he comes to visit. Duh.

    I’m glad you didn’t ask her if they all used chopsticks in Sweden because THAT would have been embarrassing.

  7. Those tiny forks are not actually forks. They are tiny throwing spears for keeping away marauding black squirrels. They have a real problem with squirrels in Switzerlandia.

  8. I’m missing dessert forks. It doesn’t look like they even offer them there in Switzerlandia. Too bad.

    Maybe there’s a lot of itty-bitty miniature people in Switzerlandia, and that’s why they have the tiny spoon and fork in the set: integration into average-sized society. After all, isn’t Switzerlandia one of the more progressive countries? I think ALL cutlery and dish sets should have itty-bitty pieces, not only for the itty-bitty people but also because they’re just darn cute.

    Or maybe they’re for Switzerlandian leprechauns.

  9. You mean you never told the guy to go fork himself?

    I’m proud of you for not stooping to that level.

  10. PS: My mom is Switzerlandish, so I’m part Switzerlandish, and I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THOSE TINY FORKS ALL MY LIFE ZOMG I WANT THEM.

    *cough*

  11. I’m going to make out with you now because I am giddy that someone else loves that cartoon.

    My brother and I leave voice mails for each other at least a week where we scream, “my SPOON is to BIG.”

    You complete me.

  12. AHAHAHAHAHA…. Yeah, Ikea has a way of fooling you with trickery and making you buy stuff that you didn’t want to/need. They’re kinda like Target that way.

    Also, maybe Michael Jordan and Kanye West are stealing my forks too, because umm…I had to buy a bajillion of them, and now I only have 2. WTF?

  13. Switzerlandish is totally a word if you say it is.

  14. …and my boys go around quoting that cartoon to one another all the freaking tiiiime!
    ARE YOU STALKING ME?

  15. I live in a land without any Switzerlandish stores, so reading this brought back memories of being lost in that maze and wandering around dazed until hunger would convince my that I did totally need that plywood couch that I must assemble myself. In fact, I could not go on breathing with that plywood couch!

    Also, in a post from, like, 2005 or something, Amalah once compared her relationship with IKEA with that of an abusive boyfriend. I think that comparison is suitable here, yes?

  16. The small forks are for the tube of caviar that you can buy in the food section of IKEA. Yes, I said tube of caviar. IKEA is like a Mentos commercial on acid.

  17. You said “no” to a cinnamon roll?

    Dude, you got what you deserved.

  18. Holy Shit. I HAVE that set. We use those spoons for playing rugby. And we give the bitty spoons out as baby spoons. Like as baby shower gifts. People think we’re awesome.

  19. It’s just as well they didn’t have just forks. You’d probably have to assemble them yourself with tiny allen wrenches and directions that when unfolded – would cover Switzerlandia , anyways.

  20. Fair and balanced, as always.

    Fucking Ikea.

  21. Ha-freakin-larious! I will never look at cutlery the same way again.

  22. I was about to get all self righteous and indignant and say, “you know what else they don’t have?! Oblaten!” [a type of wafer cookie] but then I thought I should Google it so I wouldn’t look like a fool and I’m glad I did. Because Oblaten are German, not Switzerlandish.

  23. Beej this was a riot!!!!!

  24. First, so funny that I laughed out loud and disturbed my office mate. She is currently laughing as I type.

    Second, I have an Ikea set of cutlery. And you did not exaggerate one bit about the crazy sizes. We have the spoons only used for ice cream (small spoons) and the spoons that could double for serving spoons. And the tiny forks that are only usable for olives and such. We now use plastic spoons for things like cereal.

  25. Dude… last year my mom gave us a pair (set?) of knorks for Xmas. (That wasn’t the only present, TG.) If you’re unfamiliar, it’s exactly what you’re probably picturing–a weird fusion of knife and fork, the goal of which is to end the peculiar knife/fork jockeying which we Americans are taught from birth to do.

    Strangely, it kinda works. And is kinda fun, because, well… just say the word. It sounds so *wrong*; the gods of flatware never intended such an unholy creation.

    So yeah, because I’m a klutz and would probably simultaneously stab and slice myself with the infernal thing, I opt to appease the flatware gods. My knork stays buried in the silverware tray. Always. Like it never happened.

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