So last week I wrote this post, about how the people of IKEA shun forks and refuse to eat anything but soup and ice cream because of their weird, fucked up Switzerlandish culture.  And also, about how the Big Bean’s an asshole. 

I’m paraphrasing, of course. Mostly.

Anyway, in that post I included a picture of the insanely disproportionate cutlery set the Fork Bigots forced me to buy, and it was hilariously funny, if I do say so myself.  Which I do.

See?  Hilarious, right? Especially that part about the spoon being the size of my head.  THAT was fucking HYSTERICAL.  Because it was HYPERBOLE, people.  I was exaggerating for comedic effect.  I do that sometimes to be funny.  The spoon wasn’t really the size of my head! That would be ridiculous!  My head is SOOO MUCH LARGER than that spoon!  Get it?  Ha ha ha haaaa! 

GOD I’m funny. 

BUT.

My husband’s 40th birthday was this weekend and, as anyone who knows me or follows me on Twitter or Facebook or ran into me at the grocery store or met me for more than five seconds over the past couple of weeks knows, I threw him a BAD ASS surprise party.  I mean seriously, it BLEW his mind.  It’s amazing he didn’t have a heart attack because you know, a surprise like that? At his advanced age? Kind of a heart attack just waiting to happen.  But he survived it, and the food was spectacular and the wine flowed freely and everyone had a good time and my ass looked FABULOUS in the jumpsuit I wore—

Yes, I said jumpsuit.  Okay, yeah, it sounds weird but trust me, it wasn’t.  It was cute.  No really! Shut up.  Stop snickering.  YOU WEREN’T THERE.  YOU DON’T GET TO JUDGE ME AND MY ASS AND OUR JUMPSUIT.  

BUT.

I digress.

The point is, I had this party for the Big Bean, and everyone was amazed at how wonderfully marvelous I am to have pulled it off, as they should be.  And I was the big hero and they all lifted me up on their shoulders and chanted “Beej! Beej! Beej!” while tickertape fell from the sky (finally) and I got to wear a superhero cape and the Big Bean promised to clean the toilets and do the laundry for the rest of our days together, to repay me for my incredibleness, and everyone forgot the Big Bean’s birthday while they celebrated the amazingness of ME.

Okay, that’s not really the point.

And none of that actually happened. 

BUT.

It should have.  At least the laundry part.

Anyway, the point is, LOTS of photos were taken, and the Big Bean and I appeared in a lot of them, because he was the guest of honor and we’re married and stuff.  And the next day I was going through them and found myself pleasantly surprised because in at least one or two of them I didn’t look like a circus freak, which is how I usually appear in photos, especially the really important ones documenting major life events that I wish to share with family and friends.

So I was happy.  I didn’t even flinch as they uploaded, uploaded, “Upload complete!”

BUT.

As I clicked through my new Facebook album, tagging photo after photo – “Here I am!” “Look at me and my jumpsuit!”  “See? I’m NOT a circus freak!” — I started to notice a pattern. 

Do you see it?  You see it, don’t you?

My head is alarmingly tiny.

I mean, no kidding, that noggin is CRAZY small!  Look at me!  I look like Pepe the Prawn from the Muppets!

THE HELL?!?

WHO SHRUNK MY HEAD??!!??

And before you say it’s not my head that’s small, it’s the Big Bean’s head that’s HUGE, let me just point to Exhibit C:

Note similar, normal head sizes of husband and husband’s friend. 

Note abnormally tiny head on Beej.

I don’t care HOW smoking hot I might have looked in my super groovy jumpsuit – with a head that tiny, I promise you, nobody was looking at my ass.

OHMYGOD HAS MY HEAD ALWAYS BEEN THIS SMALL?  Jesus, it has, hasn’t it? How could I not have known?  Why has no one ever told me?  This is really the kind of thing you should tell someone, you know?  If my BFF’s head was this fucked up, I would totally tell her.   It might be hard for her to accept at first, but I wouldn’t just let her run around looking like Beetlejuice dude without realizing it!  That’s SO wrong!

(now accepting applications for new BFF)

Shit! I think that spoon ACTUALLY MIGHT BE the size of my head! 

I’m thinking maybe I owe the Switzerlandish people an apology. 

.  

.

P.S. Just to add hellish injury to rapidly hurled insult, in the few photos where my head doesn’t look like it’s been shrunken by voodoo ninjas — I look scared.  I mean, like really scared.  Like, I’m pretending to be happy and having fun, but on the inside I’m fucking terrified.  Just look:

 

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME AT THIS PARTY?!?

Call me if you have info.

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37 Responses to “The Post With Lots of “Buts” and One Unusually Tiny Head”

  1. I think it all drained into your ego.

    And, hello? Did you research and find out if I was correct about the shrimp fork? I have a normal size head, which obviously means my ego needs inflating.

  2. I have a wee tiny head too. My first clue was that most hats do not fit me. My head is like the swinging clapper inside the bell of the hat. Unfortunately, the size of my a$$ more than makes up for it. *sigh*

  3. I believe I have an average size head, but as I announced on Twitter yesterday, I have a preposterously tiny forehead. Honestly, it isn’t even an inch from my brows to my hairline. Babies have bigger foreheads. If you are a freak of tiny noggins, then I worship you as my queen. Since I was already doing that, well, we’re good then.

    Also, let’s just say we’re cranially deficient, m’kay?

  4. I think you just hang out with people with abnormally big heads. Seriously. And then you’re scared of people with normal heads maybe? Don’t worry about it — just concentrate on how awesome you are for this kickin’ surprise party.

  5. how did you get such a tiny head?

    Head hunters don’t keep the other stuff, yet your mother has a normal size head and mine is humongous.

    i mean my buddies are always giving me crap about having a big head, literally and figuratively, and in my pictures it shows, even in high school: this short, big-headed doofus smiling with a silver front tooth because i knocked it out three times doing stupid things big headed people do.

    …and i didn’t have any reverse head hunters to blame it on.

    Believe me, it is much better to have a tiny head, even if it is the size of a very big spoon than having a big head bigger than whatever it is that requires a very big spoon, like fondu.

  6. The wife and I laughed our asses off! You are a bright spot in the blogs I read, and I would worship you if you had some sort of altar and statue with a tiny head on it I could get from e-bay.

    We thought you were using HYPERBOLE again, but you REALLY DO have a tiny head! Amazing such BIG thoughts originate in something so tiny!

    It looks like your head could fit in Big Bean’s mouth! If you ever said he bit your head off, I’d believe you! I saw those on FB and wondered if those were just people who smelled bad…I’m glad it was just fear.

  7. You crack my shit up! Your post reminds me of a joke (which I will now butcher).

    A guy walks into a bar. Bartender says “Hey, I don’t mean to be rude, but you’ve got the tiniest head I’ve ever seen!”

    Guy says, “Yeah, I found an old lamp on the beach — figured, what the hell, so I rubbed it. Out popped a genie. And let me tell you, she was gorgeous.

    “For freeing her, she said I could have one wish. I said, ‘Well, I’m already rich and have everything I could ever need. Ok, I wish you would have sex with me.’

    “The genie said, ‘No, that’s one wish I can’t grant.’

    “So then I said, ‘Ok, then how about a little head?’”

  8. Err, how did you get such a tiny head? Proof is in the photos? Do small-ish heads run in the family? I say blame the parents, that flies at any age.

    I have an average size head with abnormally large ears. They don’t look so huge in real life, they do however look ginormous in pictures adn online, which we all know is what really matters anyway. Big, flapping in the wind big. Dumbo big. Not in real life, just in pictures. I blame my parents, and yet not my grandparents, they were sweet angels who gave me candy. Huge ears, only in pictures.

    Is your head that small in real life? And why do you look scared? You’re hot, you should be working it!

  9. But aren’t you, like, three feet tall or something? So perhaps your head is in proportion to the rest of your wee little self. I’m going to need you to find someone your height with an average size head and take a photo next to them for comparison, perhaps in front of those height charts they have by the door at the bank. And with a ruler or other object of comparison (a coconut? Cantaloupe? You choose!) present.

    Chop chop. Let’s get cracking, sister.

  10. I cannot possibly come up with a clever response to this post. It’s just too brilliant and I’m just too boring. I will say, however, that if your ass looked great even though your head is clearly so small, than you are way ahead of most small-headed people.

  11. For BrokeHer I’m bring to the potluck a bigger head for you.

    Hilarious post! Who knew you were funnier than 140 characters will allow?

  12. I could not stop laughing. You are hilarious!! The pictures of Pepe & the Beetlejuice dude, made me loose it. :)

    P.S. I don’t think you have a small head, I really think everyone else just has ginormous ones. :)

  13. Question…how do you pee in a jumpsuit?

  14. Wow! you do have a small “face”, but it appears that you are a very small person. Which is always good for a woman. No one wants to be amazon woman. So congrat’s on being a small woman.

  15. I’ve met you IRL and Alias Mother has it – you are SO TINY. Your head is proportionate, silly thing.

    I demand full body pictures of this jumpsuit.

  16. I’m pretty sure your mom’s vag owes you a margarita.

  17. Hi. My name is Sarah and I, too, have An Unusually Small Head.

    “Hi Sarah!”

    Yes, I wear my boyz’ baseball caps. Yes, I buy my winter hats in the children’s section. And yes, my husband teases me and calls me the “Beetlejuice, beetlejuice, beetlejuice!” guy.

    *sigh*

  18. OMG maybe it’s a good thing we didn’t meet up with I was in San Antonio earlier this month. I’d look completely GARGANTUAN compared to you.

    And seriously? Petite (your not unusual, just proportionate!), or not, this was one of your funniest posts…EVER!

  19. i saw the title of this on the facebook this morning and almost commented, “must be a blog about your rather smallish head…” but then thought, um, better read the blog first.

    Damn. wish i’da commented now. you have an adorably petite head that goes perfectly with your smokin’ hot little body. otherwise, a jumpsuit would be just weird. ya know?

    great post. as usual.

  20. I have a huge triangle head.

    I am so jealous.

  21. Thanks for giving me a real chuckle, Beej! xoxo

  22. I have a little teeny pea head too. Buying hats is kind of a problem for me…

  23. Wow, I concur. You have a freakishly small head. You did say FREAKISHLY small, didn’t you? If not, then I just meant it as hyperbole and your head is totes normal.

    Anyway, thanks for the LOL. Not hyperbole.

  24. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

    Dude.

    I kept thinking about that moment in Beetlejuice at the end.

    And? I am fairly sure we have a similar set of big ass spoons, little head forks in our house.

    (NOT saying you have a big ass. NOT AT ALL. But yes…your head does look TEENY in those photos.)

    NOW I AM LAUGHING AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  25. Silly, you are a little tiny girl. Thus your tiny head isn’t a conundrum.

    Also? Your papa is amazing.

  26. It’s okay. Ryan Seacrest also has a tiny head. It was one of my first posts. My point is, look at Ryan Seacrest. He’s the new Dick Clark and hosting the most popular show in history. And you, well, you’re obviously super talented.

    You tiny heads just may be the next step of human evolution. You’re streamlined, more efficient. And I bet you can run fast.

  27. Doood. I want a full frontal and a back backal on that jumpsuit.

    Also, where did you procure?

    In related news, my head is freakishly tiny. The problem is, so is my husband’s, so our kids are totally little weird Beetlejuices at the end of the movie.

    Sorry kids! No hats will ever fit you! Also sunglasses will look like enormous insect eyes on your shrunken heads.

    Sorry about the genes and stuff!

    xoxo,
    Ma and Pa Dothead

  28. Shrunken heads are a notorious calling card of Switzerlandish voodoo practitioners.

    Just sayin’.

  29. OMG, I love that dude from the Hell waiting room in Beetlejuice! But don’t worry – your head size is much closer to normal than his. Promise.

    I’d kinda like to see the jumpsuit now.

  30. Nah. You just hang around people with unseasonably large heads.

    I went to school with a guy with a very large head and a normal-sized face. Took me years to figure out what was odd about him (appearance-wise). I’m sorry I can’t actually add to the conversation in a meaningful way.

    Beetlejuice rocks! The movie, not so much the cartoon. Though that was campy.

  31. Hysterical. And that’s coming from another owner of a pea-sized head.

  32. I don’t think the problem is your little pinhead….I think you are surrounded by giant freak heads. I know this from experience. I myself have a giant freak head, allegedly. Yes, a bird flew into it. I guess you don’t have to worry about THAT.

  33. I think your head is fine, and maybe the Big Bean and friend might have abnormally LARGE heads. Just sayin’.

  34. You crack my shit up

  35. I found you by googling “small headed people” because I have been bother much of late by my small head. I have a small frame (105lbs is good) but with menopause put on about 30 lbs !!! So of course my head looks even smaller now !! I wear glasses and can’t go over a size 50 usually. I feel like a circus freak my face is so small. I actually thought maybe my skull was shrinking but my brain still works so that can’t be it. LOL Anyway I feel a little better after seeing you and enjoying your humor. SMALL HEAD UNITE !!

  36. At least you’re a girl with a small head. Being a guy with a small head is way worse I assure you. Most men have big fat heads that go along with their big guts. I’m really skinny now, but eventually I too will have a big gut once my age catches up to me. I look like I’m handicapped, and I get teased a lot. Count your blessings now, because it could get worse later.

  37. Haha I have a tiny head, I used to get teased a lot about when I was 17 and apparently I have a bean shaped head. I never knew what they meant until recently when someone explained that my profile looks like a bean. Oh well. I agree its worse for guys, I think you look in proportion for your body. I get very paranoid bout it when I have my hair cut and never get my hair wet in front of people but other than just get on with it lol. Its not the end of the world theres worse things to have than a small head at the end of the day!!! x

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