Dear Sprint:

The Big Bean and I have been customers of yours for like ten years and that’s mostly because we’re lazy but for the purposes of this conversation let’s call it “customer loyalty.”  Over that time we’ve been through lots of phones and talked to you a lot on those phones for help with those phones and for the most part you’ve been pretty helpful, at least, you haven’t completely FUCKED US like some other people (cough*AT&T*cough) have. For example, YOU’VE never forced me to talk to 28 (not an exaggeration) DIFFERENT ASSHOLES (one of whom HUNG UP ON ME OH YES HE DID) to get an issue resolved that YOU created, right before Thanksgiving, when you’re supposed to be nice to people and give them presents and candy and customer credits and stuff instead of making them cry and scream and beg.

I might be getting my holidays mixed up but you get my point.

What I’m trying to say is that over the years I’ve developed high expectations of you, Sprint.  And by “high expectations” I mean “I expect you to not fuck me.”

But then my new phone, the phone that I love and want to marry and make babies with because it’s so amazing and solves all the problems of the world with a simple touch of the screen – you know, kind of like Jesus, but better THAT PHONE DIED this weekend.  JUST LIKE JESUS.  Well, not EXACTLY like Jesus, but still.  They’re both dead, aren’t they?  They might as well be related.

So I went to your store with my dead Jesus phone and high expectations but you just scoffed at me, Sprint — and by “scoffed” I mean “made me wait while you helped other customers.”  Which is LAME.  Jesus thinks so, too.  He says you’re going to hell unless you get some more stuff in your store to keep people entertained while they wait, like a few magazines and maybe some Sudoku or Jenga or something.  Jesus LOVES Jenga.

Also, if you have a big screen HD-TV in your store it’s just WRONG to show nothing but your stupid marketing video with the fat guy.  You can’t expect people to NOT die of boredom when all you give them to stay entertained for 45 MINUTES is a bunch of Sprint phones that don’t even work half the time (like the WORST MARKETING STRATEGY EVER, by the way) and a fat guy in HD hawking whatever crap you’ve got out this week to try and compete with Apple (which, whatever it is — FAIL).

So basically it’s like you’re murdering people.  With boredom.

And don’t think Jesus and I didn’t notice that you spent WAY more time with the cute girl in the short skirt (which, really?  It’s 30 DEGREES OUTSIDE, idiot) than you did with the weird smelling guy who was there before her.  We noticed, Sprint.  It’s why I flashed my boobs at you.  Because you’re skeevy and that was obviously the only way to get your attention.  And also because Jesus told me to.

And then when I finally HAD your attention you just scoffed at me again, and this time by “scoffed” I mean “stared at my boobs while I explained that my phone was dead like Jesus and needed resurrecting.”  SO disrespectful. To both me AND Jesus.

And THEN you told me you had to order a new phone and it would take at least 24 hours for the new one to arrive and during that time I WOULD HAVE NO PHONE, and when I started the ugly cry and threatened to punch you in the nads you just covered your groin with your clipboard and asked me to put my boobs away.  No hug or anything.  It’s like you didn’t even CARE that you were hurting Jesus.

And now it’s been 24 hours and I tried to wait patiently, I really did, Sprint – but I think I might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Just like someone who’s lost a limb, you know how sometimes they can still feel it like it’s there?  Well I keep having these phantom vibrations but when I reach for my phone it’s not in my back pocket and then I remember that it’s dead like Jesus.  I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is.  Otherwise, I have no idea how to explain all these ass vibrations.  So obviously I HAVE to call you every fifteen minutes to see if my new phone is there yet.  I don’t have any choice, it’s part of my illness. Stop being such a DICK about it, okay?  Show some compassion, for Christ’s sake.

What I’m trying to say is, it’s been well over 24 hours now and I still don’t have my phone and JESUS IS PISSED AT YOU, SPRINT.  This is fair warning.  Get me my phone back so I can start mating with it.  The sooner I start making half-breed human-phone babies, the sooner I can sell them on the black market and put Apple out of business because hey, Steve Jobs may be the shit but even HE can’t top half-breed human-phone babies, and then WE ALL WIN, Sprint. You and me and Jesus.

Otherwise, you’re gonna BURN, dude.  I’m just sayin’.

Sincerely,

.

.

UPDATE: It should be noted that my new phone DID finally arrive, and Sprint Store Dude wasn’t skeevy at all when I went to pick it up.  In fact, he was kind of awesome.  That didn’t stop me from publishing this post, though, because I’m a bitch writing a new post would’ve involved work, and I think we all know how I feel about that I felt it was important to document the experience, which of course was all true except for the parts about Jesus, Jenga, my boobs, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and murdering Steve Jobs.  And some other bullshit that I totally made up but can’t remember right now.

Anyway, because I obsessively sometimes stalk keep an eye on my blog stats, I saw today that someone FROM SPRINT had read this post, and in a sick pathetic desperate attempt to drive more people to this blog, which some people would call incredibly funny and insightful  and by “some people” I mean “me and absolutely no one else”, I tweeted this:

I know, right?!  It’s CONFOUNDING that more people don’t read this blog, with how hilariously funny I am!  But the thing is, someone from Sprint actually saw that tweet, and they tweeted this back to me:

And I’m all, Are you KIDDING ME right now?  Sprint seriously wants to HELP me?  What happened to the shitty customer service I totally made up spent an entire day writing a blog post to bitch about document?   They’re jacking with the whole superior-to-the-multi-billion-dollar-corporate-conglomerate vibe I had going!  SHUT UP SPRINT DAMMIT YOU ARE HARSHING MY GIG. IX-NAY ON THE USTOMERSERVICE-CAY.  KAPEESH?

And they were all

FUCKING TOUCHÉ, SPRINT.  Humor points.  They even included the little semicolon smile to show me that they mean business.

And that’s when they stopped but I’m pretty sure it’s just because now they’re busy exploring new ways to credit my account with hundreds of dollars because I’m so hilarious murder Steve Jobs provide excellent customer service.  And whatever they decide to do, I’M IN, SPRINT.  I’M TOTALLY IN.

And so are my boobs.

And so is Jesus.

The End and Amen.

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35 Responses to “Jesus Wants Steve Jobs Dead Just As Much As You Do, Sprint. Let’s All Work Together. (Updated)”

  1. Gonna BURN, d00d. YEAH.

  2. I would be a mass murderer if it was actually possible for boredom to kill peopl

  3. We’ve got sprint too and when they’re good they’re very good, but when they’re bad they’re wicked! Like when I accidentally paid the bill for my own cell phone to my husbands and they had to do a freaking WORK ORDER to change it..that would take days.

    I’m glad you threw the Jesus thing at them…Hope it helps!

  4. OMG, SPRINT!! WWJD???!!! GIVE BEEJ HER FREAKING PHONE BACK SO SHE CAN MAKE BABY JESUSES WITH IT. OR SOMETHING.

    You could not be any funnier if you WERE Jesus. Or if Jesus was your co-pilot. Et cetera.

  5. I predict you’ll get your dead phone back in three days. Just like Jesus.

  6. You’d think they’d at least give you a loner model like they do when your whore is in the shop.

  7. Where is the L O V E? They obviously don’t see you as a valued customer. So I say, Screw them and move on.

  8. Time to start a new religion.

  9. Well, well, well…your phone is now going to rise from the dead BEFORE three days?? Jesus trumper!!

    ;)

  10. Teach me, Wise One. I have much to learn. I understood little of this but laughed until my eyes scrunched up dangerously and I upset the neighbors. Thank you.

    p.s. Does this mean I can’t text you inane crap for a while?

  11. I need your phone to now sport a skin that says JESUS TRUMPER all proudlike on it.

  12. LOL! I’m jealous of your One Day Jesus phone and awesome customer service.

  13. You are totally the ivag

    (can’t wait to meet those babies)

    xo

  14. Fadkog said Jesus trumper…lmao at her and you! And glad you got you phone back. ;)

  15. You are completely freakin awesome! Love the blog!

  16. So, this comment has nothing to do with Sprint – but it does seem like you have an “in” with Jesus. Can you ask your Jesus Phone if he can make it stop snowing. It’s getting old. Like really old. Another two feet is coming this weekend and if I have to spend anymore time locked in my house with my husband and five year old…I may kill them with my Verizon phone.

  17. they should name a holiday after you!

    whoever said customer service is dead obviously has ATT.

  18. I had to get an iphone because bad service only happens to OTHER people. Not me! No! Lalalalalalalalalalala!

  19. Here;s your DAMN comment. If your phone is like Jesus, does that mean it has its own religion? OK, not as funny, but you put so much PRESSURE on me. SEE what happens- LAME JOKES. And don’t think it’s my only one. Oh ho ho no- I got millions. Keep up the COMMENT PRESSURE and you will NOT like the consequences. you have been warned….

  20. Just like Jesus. SNort

  21. this update makes me love spring even more than I already do! Jenga! HIIIIlarious!

  22. If Sprint really is that awesome, I might need switch carriers.

  23. I had some issues with Sprint. I don’t like to talk about it. My therapist and I are working on it.

    The thing I love about reading your stuff is that I always know I’m reading your writing when I’m reading it, ya know? And it’s awesome.

  24. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I kinda want to marry that Sprint guy.

    BTW…what phone did you get?? Did I miss it?

  25. Beej, you’re just the bestest! :) What are your Sprint babies gonna look like? Will they be 3G? And what a riot sprintcare is!

  26. Faaantastic post as usual, and pretty awesome that sprint dudes are on here as well.

    Here in the great white north aka Canada, we dont have spring, have Bell and Rogers, two wannabe monopolies who both suck, I have bounced between them for years, then pretty much had to impregnate Rogers cuz they had the iphone exclusively and I had to have one, and their service is good or at least friendly when you finally reach an effing person after being on hold for hours and hours… their hold music actually includes a message to email them for faster service and a response same day guaranteed, which if course I naively believed until my response came EIGHT DAYS LATER… amazing how these people just don’t get it

  27. I feel your pain… at least about being without your phone. My phone is lost and I’m pretty sure it is somewhere in my house. Which really narrows it down, no? Anyway, luckily I have a blackberry for work, but I can’t txt on it (against company policy!) and plus people are used to calling me on my other number which I have had for, like, EVER. And also, the BB is on TMobile and their service isn’t as good as my Verizon cell phone.

    I love how they picked up your plight on Twitter. Twitter is awesome.

  28. I’m glad you still decided to post this story even though you got your phone. It is too awesome not to share with the world.

  29. You are a genius of phone angst.

  30. okay, you see this is good marketing as opposed to my Beano bullshit. Well done.

    I think I might have to talk about my MAC G4

  31. Fuck Tina Fey. You deserve her job.

  32. I didn’t know Jesus loves Jenga! We may get along after all…

  33. We’ve been with Sprint for about 4 years now and overall, it’s been a pretty good experience. Even better now that I know they love playing Jenga as much as we do.

  34. Came across this by accident. Awesome post!!!

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