You know how sometimes you hate something SO MUCH that you just want to stab it in the eyes with a thousand knives and then laugh a terrifying cackle while you stand over it and watch it bleed out? And if it was an actual person you would totally do the stabby-cackly thing without a second thought, even if it meant you’d have to go to prison for a thousand years, where you’d suffer a hell custom-made to your own personal demons, like 24 hours a day of forced cross-stitching and scrap-booking and Crock-Potting to a soundtrack of nothing but shitty Nickleback songs and Christian rock?
And you know how, even though everybody else around you is all smiles and hearts and candy, and they keep telling you to lighten up and embrace the love (which just makes you want to stab THEM, too), you’re STILL consumed with bitter disgust and blinding hate for this ONE THING that you HATE SOOOOO MUCH that it makes you want to murder everyone in the world?
You know?
Yeah. Well. That’s me and Valentines Day.
Every year around this time my frenzied, outraged rant begins. I write elaborate fantasies in which I slaughter the sheep who feed the St. Valentine’s Beast. I rage to anyone who will listen (and also some who won’t) about the ridiculousness of this so-called “holiday,” its commercialization of love and demeaning effects on people who dare to be unattached on February 14th.
I spout depressing statistics about wasted resources, pagan rituals, and suicide. I imagine myself gleefully piercing the hearts of the fake cherubs at the grocery store with their own arrows. When the local paper runs a “Cutest Couples” contest, I threaten to staple all their heads together.
Basically, I turn into a giant asshole for about a week.
But this year? This year, things are a little different. Because this year, I have this:
Aww, hell.
Fuck it.
Happy Valentines Day, everyone.
Stumble it!
Tags: it's still a bullshit holiday, my kid could kick Cupid's ass
February 12th, 2010 at 5:45 pm
OMG! Cupid ain’t got nothing on that Bean!
That smile could melt the candy coating on M&Ms.
February 12th, 2010 at 6:13 pm
OMG, Swirl Girl is right! The Little Bean has cornered the market on smiles, adorableness and all around cuteness. That smile would make a believer outta me!
Awww, what the hell…Happy Valentine’s Day right back atcha!
February 12th, 2010 at 6:52 pm
Adorable! Kids make the most excruciating situations bearable. And it’s a bonus if it’s a CUTE kid.
February 12th, 2010 at 7:00 pm
I feel that way about Rod Stewart. Wait, not the same way you feel about your little bean. The way you USED to feel about VD. I mean Valentines Day, not your bout of chlamydia. Oh hell.
February 12th, 2010 at 8:34 pm
So, I’m off the hook for not sending you a VD card? GREAT NEWS!!
Cute pictures of our grandson, by the way…
Maureen
February 12th, 2010 at 8:46 pm
He is totally performing at blogher, right?
(Reeses sponsor, natch)
Sooo cute.
February 12th, 2010 at 11:45 pm
Sooooo….This year I get to staple YOUR head to something? Bitch. Regardless of how cute your kid is – you aren’t allowed to tolerate this holiday. Shit on a stick….I thought I liked you. NOW who am I supposed to send all these normal sized spoons to?
February 13th, 2010 at 12:55 am
You are fabulous! And my little dude is the one who made me bow down to this….
February 13th, 2010 at 2:13 am
Ahh I thought I was reading a post by my husband until I got to crockpotting and Nickelback, but then I realized that he might be a bit gay. Oh well…I love him in a sickeningly hallmark way. I must say you have an extremely cute Valentine!
February 13th, 2010 at 2:15 am
Hey, what’s wrong with Crockpots? My damned wife got here first.
February 13th, 2010 at 11:46 am
Oy vey! That kid of yours is so freaking adorable I can almost not stand it.
Sigh…..
February 13th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
What I want to know is are you seeking counsoling for this serious problem? You must have suffered some horrible incident for you to be such a Valentine hater. Cute photo, it appears that at least someone you know LOVES Valentines.
February 14th, 2010 at 1:42 am
damn kids know how to ruin our fun…
February 14th, 2010 at 10:01 am
I concur with the whole stabiness of this wretched day. But? That little boy is the most darling thing… enjoy the hell out of him!! Kiss him a lot. Have fun! Yay!!
February 14th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
you think if I ran through my local safeway with a pin popping every fucking heart shaped ballon and then savagely ripping open the candy, I would be considered a hero? or a nut job? Remember now, I live in L.A. so think carefully.
February 14th, 2010 at 10:57 pm
Ya big softy…and really, who could blame you?! That’s a face of pure adorable!
February 15th, 2010 at 11:48 pm
That face and that vest are just about the cutest things I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot.