So today I had lunch with a bunch of people that I went to school with a thousand years ago and one of those people was my friend Paula, who has new boobs.  Paula is awesome despite the fact that she was a willing participant in the Duran Duran Fan Club that kicked me out in the 6th grade because I did something stupid.  I don’t actually know what stupid thing I did but whatever it was it pissed off the leader of the group, this girl with big glasses and a mullet who was in ABSOLUTE CONTROL of the group at all times (think the 11-year-old sandbox version of Heathers) and could just snap her fingers and make everyone else hate you in an instant.  Which is what she did.  To me.  Because of the stupid thing I did.  Which I cannot remember.

Maybe Paula remembers.  Or maybe not.  My unceremonious ousting from the Duran Duran Club might not actually have been the same earth-shattering, life-altering experience for her that it was for me.

Either way, I forgive you Paula.

Anyway.  My point is not that I was kicked out of the Duran Duran Club, although maybe it should be because the more I think about it that was horrible and really reinforced a budding inferiority complex that plagues me to this day. And also made me terrified of mullets.

And now I’m unreasonably angry at an 11-year-old mulleted, four-eyed girl from 1983 for ruining my life.

GOD I’m so fucked up.

What was I saying?  Oh yeah, Paula’s boobs.

They’re awesome.

See the thing is, Paula had breast cancer 12 years ago and was successfully treated with radiation and chemotherapy, but after ten years of remission she had a test done to determine whether she was genetically predisposed to get breast/ovarian cancer and it turned out that she was actually, well, I’m not sure what the clinical term is for Completely Fucked but whatever it is, that’s what she was.  So she made the very smart, very brave decision to have a double mastectomy, essentially saying “SUCK IT, CANCER!  You might come back and want my tits but HA HA HA THERE ARE NO TITS HERE, SUCKAAAAA!  You’re fucking STUPID! HA HA HAAAA!!” and I’m sorry, but any way you slice it that just makes Paula a total BAD ASS.

And the badassiest part of all of it is that when she had the old, bad boobs removed, she got shiny new boobs put in their place.  And they look fabulous.  And I got a complete education on fake boobs and how they put them in and where the scars are and how you have to go back for nipples later and how even then you have to have the coloring of the nipples tattooed on and Holy Shitballs WHO KNEW it was such a pain in the ass to get nipples? Really! But it certainly made me appreciate my OWN nipples, which I have shamefully taken for granted all these years.

(I’m sorry, Nipples.  I love you.  Thanks for being you.)

I also learned that new boobs are hard at first and take a while to soften up and feel more natural, which sucks because Paula won’t let me feel her up until they’re soft and I probably won’t see her for at least another month so that’s a whole MONTH I’m going to be wondering what Paula’s boobs feel like.

Also, our friend Ross was there (badmouthing Twitter, by the way, which is stupid because he doesn’t even USE Twitter, his last tweet was August ’09 and THAT was just a link to some article about chicks who ride motorcycles, complete with the obligatory photo of a girl in a bikini next to a motorcycle.  Which kind of makes me want to hurl.  So you should follow him and tell him that’s lame, and also convince him to love Twitter and be awesome like me). Ross was the only guy out of a group of six and he kept staring at Paula’s boobs and interjecting things into the boob conversation like “Oh, riiiight,” and “That makes sense,” which was hilarious because he doesn’t actually HAVE boobs (well, I mean, obviously he has BOOBS, that would be super weird if he didn’t, he’d be like an android or something.  But he doesn’t have LADYLUMPS, which WAS the topic at hand, if you’ll pardon the expressin.  He doesn’t even have MOOBS, and believe me, I looked) — and watching him try to navigate the fine line between acting interested in all the boobs at the table but not TOO interested, made me giggle.

Our other friends The Movie Star,  The Rock Star, and The Artiste were all there too, and there was a point to telling you that but now that I’m writing this I’m realizing just how incredibly talented and amazing these people are and Jesus Christ what am I DOING with my life?

SHIT.  Now I’m depressed again.

Anyway, we all agreed that Paula’s new boobs are magnificent and I think more than anything it’s just an incredibly wonderful thing that she’s in good health and giving Cancer a huge Middle Finger Salute which, as anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis should know, I personally enjoy very much.

Side Note:  I really have no idea why I just called it the Middle Finger Salute.  I think my dad called it that once?  Is that a military thing?  Well, whatever you call it, I’m a BIG FAN of giving other people (and also inanimate objects that have wronged me, horrible diseases, and often Karma) the middle finger.

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah.  CONGRATS ON THE NEW RACK, PAULA.  And also on telling Cancer to fuck off.  I kind of love you.

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26 Responses to “I Don’t Know Why It’s So Hard for Me to Just Say Congratulations on Your New Boobs”

  1. They TATTOO THE NIPPLES ON? Sweet Zombie Jeebus. I mean, that is seriously something I have never, ever thought about before, but will now take great pleasure in telling other people about. Actually, I’m going to meet up with some book peeps this afternoon, and I am TOTALLY finding an excuse to talk about nipple-tats. And if you wanted your new boobs to come with extra tattoo-tattoos or maybe a nipple pierceing, do you reckon they’d have the facilities available to comply? There has gotta be a short story in there, somewhere.

    Also: your friend Paula sounds like an awesome, brave, savvy, perky-boob-havin’ lady. Kudos to her for telling cancer to get fucked!

  2. I worked with a woman who got bigger boobs, not because she lost hers to cancer but because she wanted her husband to like her more (they ended up divorced three years later, duh), and she spent the first month she had them asking us all to feel her new boobs and flashing anyone who asked about her surgery. It was an odd, uncomfortable month at work.

    And congrats to Paula on her new boobs.

  3. i told you about the “middle finger salute?” wow. i did not realize how progressive i have been…er, i think that is progressive.

    Your photo, which i don’t think i’ve seen before is beautiful.
    AND tell Paula she rocks.

    You rock too, so knock of the inferiorty stuff (man, “inferiority” sure looks goofy when spelled out).

  4. i still say she should get swirls tattooed on her new nips. mesmerizing!

  5. So…. what did they do with the “old nipples”? Just chuck ‘em? Why not keep ‘em? What about recycling? Such tattooing is such bad ass, and who wouldn’t want to go “all the way” with that badass attitude towards cancer and get tats on tits, and besides, all new material… don’t want to put in a new motor and transmission and keep the old horn. I lost my track here too. Just confused…. Why not keep good ‘ol nips? I kept mine with my boob job…. Just saying…. Either way, you guys rock.

  6. i fucking love you.

    …and i clicked on an ad for some totally disgusting fake food made by Smuckers called “Uncrustables.”…….just for you.

  7. I should probably say I respect all that middle finger stuff, but, really, we all know, I am a big fan of boobs! I WILL say any disease that disrespects or disfigures or in anyway affects boobs in a negative way is no disease friend of mine.

    Beej, you made my night. I did the whole Freudian Slip thing to my wife and said “nipples” in the wrong context. You know, instead of saying “these moon pies sure are nice.” I might have said something like, “These nipples sure taste-” but I caught myself. Not soon enough, as it turns out. My wife blames you, now, for my nipple fetish. Thought I should let you know.

  8. I love coming over to get the total Beej stream-of-consciousness treatment. :)

    And to learn cool stuff like that new boobs are hard at first. But I feel a little scarred by the knowledge that nipples have to be put on later. By a tattoo artist. Though it might be kind of cool to get sun-shapes boobs. Or STAR-shaped ones! omg…. Now I want some….

    What have you done to me???

  9. That is a great picture honey. You always could play a mean game of Croquet… did you guys win?

  10. Hilarious! I hopped on over from Ross’ Facebook post about lunch with you. Love your blog and will visit more often. I’ll checkout an ad too.

  11. I’m not sure you can do any better than to feature Duran Duran and boobs in the same post.

    Off to annoy Ross from Friends. (Though that article he linked to was amazing.)

    Go Paula!

    I actually miss her on American Idol. It’s just not the same. I saw her in concert when I was 15 in a teenage nightclub with about 50 people. What I’m saying is, she probably remembers me.

  12. If I had to tattoo my nipples, I would be tempted to do a different color like blue or some flowers or faux pasties complete with tassels. But, I’d be too much of wuss to actually do it.

  13. There is so much goodness packed into this post, Wynona.

  14. omg- i didn’t even think about STAR nipples….

  15. I’m curious. Do tattoo nipples get pointy in the cold? It would be awesome if they didn’t.

  16. To answer those who were curious, the nipples and areolas (we didn’t even mention THAT word at lunch) are removed because that’s where the milk ducts are and a common starting point for cancer.

    I’m sure Beej will update everyone later this spring when I’m all done and nipple color will be announced, maybe even seen by a select few!

    Oh and I don’t remember why she was kicked out the club; she wasn’t the only one kicked out and scarred by it. I’m happy to say that she and the other who was kicked out are both good friends of mine now and the girl with the mullet, well we don’t know where she is anymore, nor do we care.

  17. Is it weird that I kinda want to see the boobs pre-nipple tattoo? Don’t answer that. I know it’s weird but it’s still true. *hangs head*

    But most importantly? Fuck cancer. Go grrrl. Ass slaps for you and your cancer kickin’ self, Paula. Yay team!

  18. What’s your damage, Heather? Gah.

    I was shown the whole world of boobs when a breast cancer survivor showed me her goods. Like you, I’ve never been so grateful for actual nipples.

    Um..I’ll start up a new and improved Duran Duran club with you.

    When I was in 6th grade me and my “Heathers” read “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret.” We then formed a club called The Period Waiters. I was unceremoniusly kicked out because this girl? Didn’t become a woman until she was 15 and a half. Yeah. KICKED OUT for being a late bloomer. Mean girls suck. Wait, mean girls who are PMSing suck.

  19. I take my nipples for granted too.

  20. I’ve always said the reason I don’t have a tattoo is because I don’t know what to get. Well, now I do. Nipples! Somewhere tasteful. If I ever needed nipples tattooed on me on my actual chest, I think I’d say no, no to what looks like nipples on my boobs. How’s about a dragon blowing fire from one boob to the other? Or a wizard shooting lightening from his wand (a wand topped with a skull, btw) from one to the other. Oh, yes, this is a good plan!

    Truly, though, it’s fantastic about your friend. Also, I would NEVER kick you out of a Duran Duran fan club, even if you insisted your favorite was Andy.

  21. Love boobs? Check.

    Hate cancer? Check.

    Terrified of mullets? Check.

    Paula rocks? Check.

    I think we’re all on the same page here.

  22. That was amazing. I’m going to go dress my nipples up and have a girls night in your friend’s honor.

  23. My mum had a mastectomy and then reconstruction.

    They gave her a tummy tuck and then used the skin and fat to make boobs.

    I was kinda jealous. Which is sick and twisted.

  24. Makes me wonder if the “tattoo artist” requires a picture of your nipples prior to surgery – ya know, for color accuracy?

    OK if I’m being totally honest, I’m totally weirded out by the fact that nipples come later. Boobs are the first thing on my “Body Overhaul Master Plan” and I’m just…just…well. I just am.

  25. A friend of mine (who for other reasons than cancer had her boobs tattooed) had a sunflower done…her areola was the ‘center” of the sunflower and the petals were branched out around it…pretty awesome work if I do say so for boob work, but kinda bizarre at the same time…

    I say whatever you do, make it work for you Paula!!!

  26. Love your post. Kind of dramatic and hilarious at the same time. Yes, I say congrats to Paula’s new boobs, she is one brave girl there. And I am looking forward on your next post when you actually felt those shining new boobs of Paula.

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