So last week the Big Bean and I made a list of things that we want to do to fix up the house and also have fun this spring/summer and it turns out our list is about 150 items long and is going to cost us at least one million dollars.  After we added it all up we checked our bank account and realized that we don’t actually HAVE one million dollars, which was a major bummer and also, a total shock.  (However, our credit rating suddenly makes a lot more sense.)

Anyway, we reviewed the list to see if there was anything we could cross off but the Big Bean wasn’t willing to give up his ski boat and mud room and I wasn’t willing to give up my week-long stay in a Tuscan villa or diamond-encrusted tiara, so it’s obvious that (1) our priorities are TOTALLY STRAIGHT and (B) we need to come up with some extra cash, like, NOW.

I’ve been thinking about what I can do for extra income and so far the only options I’ve come up with are Twitter Whore, Sarcastic-But-Charming-Beer-Wench, and Life Coach.  Unfortunately, all the Twitter Whore jobs are already taken. The Beer Wench thing would be cool but I don’t have enough cleavage.  Also, I don’t really like drunk people unless I’m drunk too and I’m pretty sure I’d get in trouble for that — from what I understand the people in charge of Beer Wenches frown on that kind of thing.  Getting drunk, I mean.  Which is stupid because (1) Hellooo? Can you say “entrapment”? and (B) I’m almost POSITIVE it was totally cool for Beer Wenches to be drunk on the job back in Ye Olden Days.  I’m not exactly sure about that second one but I DO have a degree in History and I’ve watched lots of old movies where the Beer Wenches were clearly drunk so you can pretty much trust me on this.

Whatever.  I was leaning toward the Life Coach thing, anyway.  Do any of you need one of those?  Also, what exactly does a Life Coach do?  Do you know?  Is there a manual?  I should probably find out.  Or maybe I’ll just make it up as I go.  That’s basically how I do everything anyway.  As a rule, I think manuals are bullshit and ignore them whenever possible.  (Which probably explains why our TiVO box has never worked properly.)

Besides, how hard can it be, this Life Coach gig?  Don’t you just basically tell people when they suck and yell at them to be better and stuff?  I’m awesome at that, ask anyone who knows me.  They’ll tell you.  It’s true.

I even have a marketing plan.  I’m going to print a thousand copies of this sign and put them up all over town this week:

It’s awesome timing too, because this week is SXSW and the entire town of Austin, Texas, is currently overrun by idiots who are desperately in need of my services.  I can’t WAIT to get my hands on a few of them to tell them what dicks they are.  I’ve even made up some special reminder stickers for my future clients, which I will instruct them to put up all over their houses and cars and offices so they can remember my Life Coaching slogan at all times:

And that’s just Step Number One.



All for the low, LOW price of one million dollars!

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18 Responses to “It’s Just Amazing I Haven’t Been Snatched Up as Somebody’s Life Coach Already”

  1. Given that I live in Austin and am having to fight my way through the ironic hipster idiots who have overrun our fair city, I’d like to order a dozen each of your signs. Seriously. I laughed out loud.

  2. I’ve been to Austin during SXSW. Dude, you could make a KILLING.

  3. I’ve only really heard one life coach. (What kind of bullshit title is that anyway?) He was on a morning show here, and all he did was make the guy move out of his mom’s house. I mean, really? Isn’t that kind of a given? Personally, I like the “don’t be a dick” approach better. But what are the chances of a dick loser having a million dollars? Ooooh….maybe you could charge one dollar to a million dicks, and slap your don’t be a dick sticker on their foreheads? I bet if you order a million dick stickers, you would get a really good discount. OR, what would be really cool is if you could charge $5 to 20,000 dicks and slap them with a dick sticker and a bonus piece of wiener gum…(plus, that would just be less time consuming and probably considerably more efficient.)

  4. Do you get to wear a sweat band and have one of those NBA air horns?

  5. My sign would say “dangerous curves ahead”….

    what is SXSW anyway?

    enlighten me O’ Life Coach.

  6. You should totally sell the reminder stickers. I’m serious. Do you know how many of those you would sell? I would buy a dozen at least. Seriously, look into that. You know, in case the life coach thing doesn’t work out. :)

  7. Umm, I should clarify that I would buy the stickers to pass out, not because *I* need them. I swear! :) I know a LOT of people that need reminding, but not me. ;)

  8. I don’t even know what SXSW, but I assume it’s some kind of sex conference for bloggers.

  9. That works for me. Anytime I remind myself not to be such a dick, I instantly feel better and want to move out of my mom’s house. And stop bumming off the neighbours. But then I get the munchies and start tweaking. So I don’t know. Any advice?

  10. We don’t use the term “twitter whore” anymore. It’s a little offensive, actually. We prefer “twitter pro” or “ladies of the twitter” now. You don’t have to change it or anything, but if you’re going to get anywhere in twitter prostitution, you’re going to have to learn the lingo.

  11. I think April should be the new Awesome Comment of the Moment just for the phrase “dick sticker.”

  12. i’m scared for your future clients.

  13. I think you would ROCK as a “Life Coach”.

    P.S. Can I get some of your stickers. I have some co-workers to pass them out to. You know, so you could help them.

  14. You might possibly be the best ever candidate for being a life coach.
    The problem is you would have to work with all those losers. i think it would be a very short career. But i would stick one of your stickers on my forehead.

  15. I think you should start with holiday sweater lady for practice.

  16. Okay, I want three dozen large decals of the bean shouting HEY, DON’T BE SUCH A DICK — that is so needed and so true!

  17. Those beans made me laugh.

    I also think you could be one of those slutty orange sellers back in Shakespeare’s Globe theatre. You know, combining the history/slutty/beerwench thing.

    At 27 I told my career coach I thought I should be a life coach. She suggested I have a life first.

  18. I get random emails from a lifecoach, and she says things like, “remember to take 10 minutes for yourself everyday!” No duh.

    That’s precisely why you’d rock as a life coach. Don’t waste another minute, get that certificate printed up and hang up the shingle. I, for one, can’t wait till you start taking care of some business out there.

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