So last week the Big Bean and I made a list of things that we want to do to fix up the house and also have fun this spring/summer and it turns out our list is about 150 items long and is going to cost us at least one million dollars. After we added it all up we checked our bank account and realized that we don’t actually HAVE one million dollars, which was a major bummer and also, a total shock. (However, our credit rating suddenly makes a lot more sense.)
Anyway, we reviewed the list to see if there was anything we could cross off but the Big Bean wasn’t willing to give up his ski boat and mud room and I wasn’t willing to give up my week-long stay in a Tuscan villa or diamond-encrusted tiara, so it’s obvious that (1) our priorities are TOTALLY STRAIGHT and (B) we need to come up with some extra cash, like, NOW.
I’ve been thinking about what I can do for extra income and so far the only options I’ve come up with are Twitter Whore, Sarcastic-But-Charming-Beer-Wench, and Life Coach. Unfortunately, all the Twitter Whore jobs are already taken. The Beer Wench thing would be cool but I don’t have enough cleavage. Also, I don’t really like drunk people unless I’m drunk too and I’m pretty sure I’d get in trouble for that — from what I understand the people in charge of Beer Wenches frown on that kind of thing. Getting drunk, I mean. Which is stupid because (1) Hellooo? Can you say “entrapment”? and (B) I’m almost POSITIVE it was totally cool for Beer Wenches to be drunk on the job back in Ye Olden Days. I’m not exactly sure about that second one but I DO have a degree in History and I’ve watched lots of old movies where the Beer Wenches were clearly drunk so you can pretty much trust me on this.
Whatever. I was leaning toward the Life Coach thing, anyway. Do any of you need one of those? Also, what exactly does a Life Coach do? Do you know? Is there a manual? I should probably find out. Or maybe I’ll just make it up as I go. That’s basically how I do everything anyway. As a rule, I think manuals are bullshit and ignore them whenever possible. (Which probably explains why our TiVO box has never worked properly.)
Besides, how hard can it be, this Life Coach gig? Don’t you just basically tell people when they suck and yell at them to be better and stuff? I’m awesome at that, ask anyone who knows me. They’ll tell you. It’s true.
I even have a marketing plan. I’m going to print a thousand copies of this sign and put them up all over town this week:
It’s awesome timing too, because this week is SXSW and the entire town of Austin, Texas, is currently overrun by idiots who are desperately in need of my services. I can’t WAIT to get my hands on a few of them to tell them what dicks they are. I’ve even made up some special reminder stickers for my future clients, which I will instruct them to put up all over their houses and cars and offices so they can remember my Life Coaching slogan at all times:
And that’s just Step Number One.
OHMYGOD I AM GOING TO BE THE BEST. LIFE COACH. EVER.
All for the low, LOW price of one million dollars!Stumble it!