These are some of the search terms people have used to find my blog in the past few months. I could go on for pages and pages about how awesome and totally fucked up these people are, but honestly, I think it’s better to just let them speak for themselves. I have grouped them into categories for your easy and convenient reference.
Category 1: I know, RIGHT?!?
- wish I could kill dustin diamond
- “big bird is an asshole”
- Russell Crowe is a douche bag
- What the fuck is a flexitarian?
- jim bob duggar is a freak
- Mother of the year award WTF
- how do i get back at someone who unfriended me?
- i feel like i have no soul
- i want to kick cupid’s ass
Category 2: I Would Totally Give You a High Five and Chest Bump Right Now If I Could
- i made my husband my bitch
- I faced the laundry & I won
Category 3: Wow, You Must Have Been Super Disappointed When You Wound Up At My Blog
- horse vagina
- Russell Crowe is H-O-T hot
- gross vagina diseases
- naughty beach sluts
- hot mama nipples
- zoo porn
- razorblades shiny things i love it when she bites me
- sweater lady porn
Category 6: You Might as Well have Just Entered My Name
- tiny head on regular body
- blogger who laughs at boogers
- don’t deserve to go to blogher
- very very very very insecure and annoying
- dumbass blog
Category 4: Huh. Well. Okay. Good Luck with That.
- Blowjob sniffles?
- help me i suck
- is it ok to drink some rancid milk
- my husbands gay and hes trying to kill me
- how to know if you’re a midget
- i think someone is sneaking into my house and leaving clues
- coughing on the treadmill and stocks and belly dance and blog
- my creepy neighbor fucked me in my sleep
- im a guy and have a ponytail what should i do
- sunscreen up my butt
- what can i take for gas that causes me to fart unexpectedly
- losing a toes in a dreams
- no maam, im only into chaps
- what to wear to a sex toy party
- chop off someone’s ponytail
Category 5: I’ve Never Written About That, But Now I Almost Certainly Will So Thank You
- cock sweaters
- scary boobs
- midget genie
- chinless sex
- Oscar dildo
- Shit boogers
- i need a vagina vacation
Category 7: They ARE?!?
- spoons are just like dildos
Category 8: He DOES?!?
- jesus wants to fuck you
Category 9: You DID?!?
- i fucked my step-mom on a vacation trip
Category 10: Of Course! I’m SURE It Was an Accident
- was i accidentally unfriended?
Category 11: Excellent Question. When You Find Out Please Let Me Know
- do fairies go to the bathroom
- if my parents are midgets am i going to be one?
Category 12: I Don’t Know Why, But I Like You
- I am a strange lollipop
- i don’t know shit
- i want to know if a people is mad
- i’m the wiener you’re the bun
- I’m sorry you’re such a crybaby
- if you were dying of thirst i won’t spit on you
Category 13: They SELL THOSE?
- brookstone orgasm
Category 14: Yes, You Are. You Really, Really Are
- im awesome. No your not dude dont lie. Im awesome. I forgot to twease my unibrow im awesome
Category 15: Well, I Don’t See Why He Wouldn’t
- do you think god wears a dildo on his head
P.S. I got this note from a friend after she read this post:
You are shitting me. You HAVE to have made up at least half of those.
My answer: I did not make up a SINGLE ONE. They are ALL real, every last one. This is what happens when you write a blog that covers topics such as dildo helmets, midgets in boxer shorts, making your husband gay on Facebook, pornament exchanges, bathroom fairies that make you look like Angelina Jolie, gross vagina diseases, and your own ridiculously tiny head.
The highlight of my day is checking my recent keyword searches to see what awesomeness awaits me. I am never disappointed. I’ve been keeping a greatest hits list for a few months now, and these were the cream of the crop. I first started keeping track when this one caught my eye: “what is the bean shaped thing in my vagina?”
Best. Search term. Ever.
P.P.S. My new column is up at FunnyNotSlutty.com. You should go check it out. You know, like you did for my last column. Wait, what’s that? You DIDN’T go check out my last column at FunnyNotSlutty? Yeah, NO SHIT, ASSHOLE.
P.P.P.S. Did you like it just then, when I called you an asshole? Did you think, “Gee, I AM kind of an asshole! It sure was awesome to have someone let me know!”? If so, act now! At Bean’s Awesome Life Coaching Services we pride ourselves on our commitment to call you an asshole ANY TIME YOU NEED IT! (Which I’m sure will be a lot.) All for the low, low price of just one million dollars! Hurry — don’t wait! Services are limited and first come, first serve. You don’t want to miss out on this amazing opportunity!
P.P.P.P.S. Did I mention that my new column is up at Funny Not Slutty? Because it is. Did I mention how much I love it when people go over there and read my columns and LEAVE COMMENTS? Because if I didn’t, I should have. Because I do. Really love it, I mean. Really. A lot. If someone (cough cough) wanted to go over there, and read it and comment, that someone (cough cough) would make me really happy. That someone (cough, cough) would make me so happy I would cry tears of joy and sing like an angel to the heavens about how wonderful life is. And who doesn’t want that? Huh? HUH?!?!?
P.P.P.P.P.S. Asshole.Stumble it!