Bejewell on March 25th, 2010

These are some of the search terms people have used to find my blog in the past few months.  I could go on for pages and pages about how awesome and totally fucked up these people are, but honestly, I think it’s better to just let them speak for themselves.  I have grouped them into categories for your easy and convenient reference.

You’re welcome.

Category 1:  I know, RIGHT?!?

  • wish I could kill dustin diamond
  • “big bird is an asshole”
  • Russell Crowe is a douche bag
  • What the fuck is a flexitarian?
  • jim bob duggar is a freak
  • Mother of the year award WTF
  • how do i get back at someone who unfriended me?
  • i feel like i have no soul
  • i want to kick cupid’s ass

Category 2:  I Would Totally Give You a High Five and Chest Bump Right Now If I Could

  • i made my husband my bitch
  • I faced the laundry & I won

Category 3:  Wow, You Must Have Been Super Disappointed When You Wound Up At My Blog

  • horse vagina
  • Russell Crowe is H-O-T hot
  • gross vagina diseases
  • naughty beach sluts
  • hot mama nipples
  • zoo porn
  • razorblades shiny things i love it when she bites me
  • sweater lady porn

Category 6: You Might as Well have Just Entered My Name

  • tiny head on regular body
  • blogger who laughs at boogers
  • don’t deserve to go to blogher
  • very very very very insecure and annoying
  • dumbass blog

Category 4:  Huh. Well. Okay. Good Luck with That.

  • Blowjob sniffles?
  • help me i suck
  • is it ok to drink some rancid milk
  • my husbands gay and hes trying to kill me
  • how to know if you’re a midget
  • i think someone is sneaking into my house and leaving clues
  • coughing on the treadmill and stocks and belly dance and blog
  • my creepy neighbor fucked me in my sleep
  • im a guy and have a ponytail what should i do
  • sunscreen up my butt
  • what can i take for gas that causes me to fart unexpectedly
  • losing a toes in a dreams
  • no maam, im only into chaps
  • what to wear to a sex toy party
  • chop off someone’s ponytail

Category 5:  I’ve Never Written About That, But Now I Almost Certainly Will So Thank You

  • cock sweaters
  • scary boobs
  • midget genie
  • chinless sex
  • Oscar dildo
  • Shit boogers
  • i need a vagina vacation

Category 7: They ARE?!?

  • spoons are just like dildos

Category 8: He DOES?!?

  • jesus wants to fuck you

Category 9: You DID?!?

  • i fucked my step-mom on a vacation trip

Category 10: Of Course! I’m SURE It Was an Accident

  • was i accidentally unfriended?

Category 11: Excellent Question. When You Find Out Please Let Me Know

  • do fairies go to the bathroom
  • if my parents are midgets am i going to be one?

Category 12:  I Don’t Know Why, But I Like You

  • I am a strange lollipop
  • i don’t know shit
  • i want to know if a people is mad
  • i’m the wiener you’re the bun
  • I’m sorry you’re such a crybaby
  • if you were dying of thirst i won’t spit on you

Category 13:  They SELL THOSE?

  • brookstone orgasm

Category 14: Yes, You Are.  You Really, Really Are

  • im awesome. No your not dude dont lie. Im awesome. I forgot to twease my unibrow im awesome

Category 15: Well, I Don’t See Why He Wouldn’t

  • do you think god wears a dildo on his head

Love,

P.S.  I got this note from a friend after she read this post:

You are shitting me. You HAVE to have made up at least half of those.

My answer: I did not make up a SINGLE ONE.  They are ALL real, every last one.  This is what happens when you write a blog that covers topics such as dildo helmets, midgets in boxer shorts, making your husband gay on Facebookpornament exchanges, bathroom fairies that make you look like Angelina Jolie, gross vagina diseases, and your own ridiculously tiny head.

The highlight of my day is checking my recent keyword searches to see what awesomeness awaits me.  I am never disappointed.  I’ve been keeping a greatest hits list for a few months now, and these were the cream of the crop.  I first started keeping track when this one caught my eye:  “what is the bean shaped thing in my vagina?

Best. Search term. Ever.

P.P.S.  My new column is up at FunnyNotSlutty.com. You should go check it out.  You know, like you did for my last column.  Wait, what’s that?  You DIDN’T go check out my last column at FunnyNotSlutty?  Yeah, NO SHIT, ASSHOLE.

P.P.P.S.  Did you like it just then, when I called you an asshole?  Did you think, “Gee, I AM kind of an asshole!  It sure was awesome to have someone let me know!”?  If so, act now!  At Bean’s Awesome Life Coaching Services we pride ourselves on our commitment to call you an asshole ANY TIME YOU NEED IT!  (Which I’m sure will be a lot.)  All for the low, low price of just one million dollars!  Hurry — don’t wait!   Services are limited and first come, first serve.  You don’t want to miss out on this amazing opportunity!

P.P.P.P.S.  Did I mention that my new column is up at Funny Not Slutty?  Because it is.  Did I mention how much I love it when people go over there and read my columns and LEAVE COMMENTS?  Because if I didn’t, I should have.  Because I do.  Really love it, I mean.  Really.  A lot.  If someone (cough cough) wanted to go over there, and read it and comment, that someone (cough cough) would make me really happy.  That someone (cough, cough) would make me so happy I would cry tears of joy and sing like an angel to the heavens about how wonderful life is.  And who doesn’t want that?  Huh?  HUH?!?!?

Hello?

P.P.P.P.P.S.  Asshole.

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23 Responses to “Keyword (Some of You Really Need Some Serious) Analysis”

  1. Happy. Scared. Scared and happy.

  2. only a few of those are my searches.

  3. These are great. I recently did one of these postings as well but I think you have me topped.

    http://livingwithballs.com/goo.....rs-to-lwb/

  4. ummm, my fav is Category 5!!!! You rock!

  5. So hilarious!! A friend just forwarded me your site after I was telling her of one of my recent search terms: “brother fart in my face.”

  6. I can’t even pick a favorite out of all these. Seriously, they are all coated in a delicious layer of rich, creamy awesome and then topped with a thin layer of chopped nuts. Definitely some nuts…

  7. Those are awesome!!
    One of my favorites: i’m the wiener you’re the bun.

    Hahaha! :)

  8. i am in awe and am tempted to find out how people got to my site. Nah.
    i’m hurting from laughing.

  9. Don’t get me started on search terms that bring up funnynotslutty.com…

  10. Hilarious!! Some of the funniest stuff I’ve read in a long time! ;)

  11. Two things: First: When you write the post about cock sweaters, can I co-author? Maybe we can knit some. If you knit, that is. I don’t. I scrap book though. Maybe we could scrap book some cock sweaters. But I don’t think that the idea of paper cuts in that area would sell a lot of our cock sweaters. Let’s re-think our new business.

    Second: That person fucked their step-mom on a vacation trip? Who calls it a vacation TRIP? Don’t you just it vacation…Isn’t the TRIP kind of implied? Or was the person HIGH when this occurred, thus the “trip”, I’m just confused is all and would like some clarification.

  12. Looking forward to your blog posts to cover category 5.
    And I DID read your post at Funny Not Slutty…yeah, this one and that one.

    `signed, Not an Asshole although I’d like to play one on TV

  13. I always make it a point never to be drinking anything when I come here because I would most assuredly snarf whatever liquid I was in the middle of and spit it all over my laptop which is my work laptop and then I would have to explain that I snarfed because I was reading this blog about bean-shaped things in vaginas and that would be awkward.

  14. Wow.

    I always knew in the back of my mind that people were freaks in private, but….

    PEOPLE ARE *FREAKS* IN PRIVATE, HOLY CRAP!!

  15. Russell Crowe IS hot, damn it.

  16. You NAILED IT!

    (sorry, just plucked that out of your twitter stream. aren’t you so jazzed that your maximum tweetage prompts people to actually scroll through your old ass tweets).

    I, for one, am freaked out at how these people are being led to the EXACT PRECISE FOUNTAIN OF FUCKING KNOWLEDGE they need.

  17. Life really does suck when your spoon is too big…even if you’re a banana.

  18. People are weird. The search term that brings the most hits for my blog is “homemade vanilla pudding”. Strange but true.

  19. Dying laughing here. Seriously. That is, without a doubt, the funniest collection of search terms EVER.

  20. There’s no way in hell I can top FADKOG’s comment. NO WAY. I was already laughing hard enough at your post and then I saw her comment and just lost it.

    I’m almost afraid to look at my analytics!

  21. Holy shit, I just laughed until I cried! Lucky for you, I didn’t wake Baby Bano up. Almost, but not quite. Would have been worth it, though. TOTALLY worth it.

  22. PS: My mom told me yesterday she recently found a funny blog by Googling “I hate my fucking job as a literacy coach”. Just sayin’.

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