Today I saw the most magnificent puffy grey mullet I’ve ever seen and I tried to get a photo with my camera phone but some stupid kid in the crosswalk got in my way. So all I got was this:
And I’m sorry for that because seriously, y’all, this was THE MOST GLORIOUS MULLET THAT EVER LIVED. It was so amazing that there’s not enough hyperbole in the world to explain to you how amazing it was. The closest I can come is to say it was kind of like 1980s “Achy Breaky” Billy Ray Cyrus, but with an *extra* gray squirrel on his head.
Hey, speaking of gray squirrels*, I saw some show on TV a few weeks ago about how people in England hate them with a passion and are trying to kill them all, because apparently they came over from America (you’re welcome) with some gnarly disease and the British native RED squirrel was all ‘Allo, jolly good chaps! Welcome to England! Cheerio! (cough, cough) Wait a minute, suddenly I don’t feel so good (cough, cough) (*DIE*) because its immune system was all weak-like and couldn’t handle the smallpox of squirrelworld.
And now the people of England are freaking out because their little pussy red squirrels couldn’t take the HEAT, THAT’S RIGHT, BABY! POW! SHAZAM! RED SQUIRRELS DOWN, FUCKAAAAHS!!
So basically, Americans kicked some British ass. AGAIN.
Patriotism is alive and well, my friends.
And hey, if you want another really confusing, irrelevant and borderline racist historical reference (which I know you do), how about this badass comparison:
Gray squirrel = Pilgrims (who fart in their blankets a lot)
Red squirrel = Native Americans (about to be completely fucked over because of some gross farty blankets)
I don’t know about you, but I’m going to see Thanksgiving this year in a completely new light.
*That was the most awesome segue that’s ever been written, by the way.Stumble it!