Bejewell on April 1st, 2010

Today I saw the most magnificent puffy grey mullet I’ve ever seen and I tried to get a photo with my camera phone but some stupid kid in the crosswalk got in my way.  So all I got was this:

And I’m sorry for that because seriously, y’all, this was THE MOST GLORIOUS MULLET THAT EVER LIVED.  It was so amazing that there’s not enough hyperbole in the world to explain to you how amazing it was.  The closest I can come is to say it was kind of like 1980s “Achy Breaky” Billy Ray Cyrus, but with an *extra* gray squirrel on his head.

Hey, speaking of gray squirrels*, I saw some show on TV a few weeks ago about how people in England hate them with a passion and are trying to kill them all, because apparently they came over from America (you’re welcome) with some gnarly disease and the British native RED squirrel was all ‘Allo, jolly good chaps! Welcome to England! Cheerio! (cough, cough) Wait a minute, suddenly I don’t feel so good (cough, cough) (*DIE*) because its immune system was all weak-like and couldn’t handle the smallpox of squirrelworld.

And now the people of England are freaking out because their little pussy red squirrels couldn’t take the HEAT, THAT’S RIGHT, BABY! POW! SHAZAM! RED SQUIRRELS DOWN, FUCKAAAAHS!!

So basically, Americans kicked some British ass. AGAIN.

Patriotism is alive and well, my friends.

And hey, if you want another really confusing, irrelevant and borderline racist historical reference (which I know you do), how about this badass comparison:

Gray squirrel = Pilgrims (who fart in their blankets a lot)

Red squirrel = Native Americans (about to be completely fucked over because of some gross farty blankets)

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to see Thanksgiving this year in a completely new light.

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*That was the most awesome segue that’s ever been written, by the way.

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22 Responses to “Probably the Most Patriotic Post You Will Ever Read.”

  1. that’s just some kind of awesomeness. that’s all i have to say

  2. You are HILARIOUS!! This has started my morning off right. :)

  3. Nice! That is hilarious!!

  4. i need to introduce you to the game conker’s bad fur day. you’d love it.

  5. I used to spell segue – “segue way” … Totally didn’t know that ‘segue’ was the whole word. Until an anonymous poster corrected me. Asshole. It still stings a little every time I read that word. Thanks for opening that wound for me.

  6. I’m pretty sure the most glorious mullet lives in my neighborhood. I’ve tried to catch him several times but despite his heavy frame he moves like a gazelle. One day…one day very soon.

  7. i’m thinking this is all a bit squirrely to me.
    And to MinivanSoapbox, i used to think it was “sedge way” which meant a path through a hedge row.
    Of course, i thought a mullet was a big rubber mallet.

  8. Business in the front… party in the back.
    Inspiration comes in many forms.
    Viva la Squirrel.
    (Who moved my coffee? Am I still typing?)

  9. I’m gonna use that wonderful word!: Badassery!! Oh, Hell YEAH!

  10. I can imagine the glorious mullet, because I live in a city of big salt and pepper, fleece-wearing, unintentional mullets.

    In fact, from now on instead of University of Wisconsin Madison, we could be Unintentional Wisconsin Mullets.

    And OF COURSE we will site you as our leader. Or that guy you tried to photograph.

    Beej? THIS IS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT. YOU STARTED A MOVEMENT!

  11. Oh, my. Oh, my my my. Squirrel Segway–trademark it now, baby.

  12. Must share with my British husband.

  13. And good for an English History/Lit double major.

  14. This is awesome. Like so ridiculously awesome. Happy Easter to me for being able to read this today!

  15. Screw those pussy red squirrels! USA! USA! USA!

  16. I have a friend request on FB from a mullet guy. He scares me.

  17. omg YOU’RE RIGHT! There are like a TON OF SQUIRREL POSTS! I think there must be like an underground squirrel PR company secretly slipping squirrel post ideas into our Gin and Tonics- I mean, um, our drinking water, that is making us WRITE ABOUT THEM! WTF?!?!?!?

  18. Not entirely sure if I’m going to share this with my British husband or not. He keeps asking me what’s so funny. I told him it was the mullet thing. He just rolled his eyes. Brits don’t get why we yanks have such an absurd fascination with mullet cuts. But then of course, I had to explain to him that it wasn’t a cut of meat but a hair cut!

  19. They bitch about everything over there. My country gave them some Canada geese a long time ago and now they complain about how mean they are and how they shit all over everything. It’s true, but still. Where’s the love?

  20. But aren’t the red squirrels so much cuter? In the north of England they’re much more common, you hardly see any in the south anymore. All the islands though (like the Isle of Wight) are still grey squirrel-free. And they’re crazy about keeping it that way. Like, CRAZY.

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