Today I saw the most magnificent puffy grey mullet I’ve ever seen and I tried to get a photo of it with my camera phone but I was in a school zone and had to stop at a crosswalk because some stupid kid got in my way. So all I got was this:
And I’m sorry for that because seriously, y’all, this was THE MOST GLORIOUS MULLET THAT EVER LIVED. It was so amazing that there’s not enough hyperbole in the world to explain to you how amazing it was. The closest I can come is to say it was kind of like 1980s “Achy Breaky” Billy Ray Cyrus with an *extra* gray squirrel on his head.
Speaking of gray squirrels*, I saw some TV show a few months ago about how people in England HATE them and are trying to kill them all because apparently they came over from America with some gnarly disease and the native RED squirrel was all ‘Allo, jolly good chaps! Welcome to England! Cheerio! (cough, cough) Wait a minute, suddenly I don’t feel so good (cough, cough) (*DIE*) because its immune system was all weak-like and couldn’t handle the smallpox of squirrelworld.
And now the people of England are freaking out because their little pussy red squirrels couldn’t take the fucking HEAT, BABY – POW! SHAZAM! RED SQUIRRELS DOWN, muthafuckaaahs!!
Basically, Americans kicked some English ass. AGAIN.
I have never felt more patriotic than I do right now.
And if you want another really messed up historical reference (which I know you do), how about this badassery:
Gray squirrel = Pilgrims (who fart in their blankets a lot)
Red squirrel = Native Americans (about to be completely fucked because of some gross farty blankets)
I don’t know about you, but I’m going to see this year’s Thanksgiving in a completely new light.
*That was the most awesome segue that’s ever been written, by the way.Stumble it!