It seemed like just another typical Thursday morning. Alarm went off at 6:15. I stayed in bed until 6:40, cursing my life. I finally forced myself to get up, got dressed and ready for work (still cursing life), gave both of my Beans big hugs and kisses (okay, maybe life’s not SO bad) and headed off to work.
Sat in traffic, cursed some more, got to work, then sat in my car for a few minutes giving myself my daily pep talk:
GOOD ME: Okay, we’re here! Let’s go in and get some work done!
BAD ME: I don’t wanna.
GOOD ME: Well, you have to.
BAD ME: But I don’t waaaaaannnaa.
GOOD ME: You’ve already gotten up, gotten dressed, brushed your teeth and drove all the way here. Might as well go in and get it over with.
BAD ME: Look in the mirror and read my lips. I. DON’T. WANNA!!!
GOOD ME: Look, you’re a mom now, you have responsibilities. I know the job kind of sucks, but it pays the bills, and it could be worse, and you just have to go in and that’s all there is to it.
BAD ME: Fuck you!
GOOD ME: (losing patience with myself) Get over it, bitch. Get your ass in there. Jesus. You’re like a fucking two year old.
BAD ME: Meh.
So finally I shamed myself out of the car. I reluctantly hauled myself, my laptop and my massive purse up the stairs (because that’s what I call my “workout”), got to my cubicle breathing like I’d smoked a pack of Marlboros and unceremoniously dumped everything on the floor because that three-flight climb really is a bitch, unless you’re (a) in any kind of shape at all, (b) under 35, (c) NOT an 80-year-old woman or (d) NOT ME.
Sure seemed like a typical Thursday morning. But then I looked down at my desk. And this is what I saw:
(Okay, the picture doesn’t really do it justice. That is not a wadded up piece of paper. It is a squishy, almost gooey white unknown THING.)
I immediately recoiled, shouting “Eeeww! Desk booger!” And then I ran away.
After a few minutes of hiding in the break room I thought to myself, “Self, that thing was really big, and really WHITE, and it might not have been an actual booger. It might be something else, and you can’t sit here in the break room all day hiding from it. Even if it WAS a booger you still have to come to terms with it and get to work.”
So I went back to my desk to investigate and take pictures.
Okay, I know these pictures aren’t the best. But my Blackberry doesn’t have a camera and I had to use someone else’s and it was a lot of pressure, all right?
Side note: This is only the second time I’ve actually missed having a camera phone since the Blackberry entered my life. The other time a woman whose car ran out of gas was standing on the side of the road wearing pantaloons, or at least what I thought were pantaloons. I wasn’t really sure if they were actually pantaloons or just what I always thought pantaloons were, and I wanted to send a picture to BFF so she could tell me. I’m not sure why I assumed BFF would know any more about pantaloons than I did, but even if she didn’t know we still could have bullshitted about it for a LONG time, or at least as long as I was stuck in traffic.
(Of course it never occurred to me to stop and help this woman, I just wanted a picture of her possibly-pantaloons. But my stupid Blackberry didn’t have a camera so I never did find out.)
Since I didn’t have a camera I asked my friend Emily, who is cute as a button but also a little twisted like me, and also the ONLY one at work who knows about my blog. I knew she would understand and let me use her camera to record the desk booger. But of course this was the ONE DAY she forgot her phone, which seems a little suspicious to me, like maybe she just didn’t trust me with her phone, thinking I might do something weird or gross with it. (Which, let’s face it, I might — if I didn’t have this all-consuming desk booger to worry about.) Bitch.
So I had to go to another co-worker, in fact the same girl who rolls her eyes at me when I talk about my kid. And goddammit if she didn’t roll her eyes at me AGAIN when I asked for her camera to take a picture of a possible desk booger. But I didn’t even care because this desk booger was still on my desk and it needed to be investigated and photographed immediately.
I took my pictures, then got up the courage to touch it, and it was sort of the consistency of a booger, except a little squishier, I guess. And I was baffled.
So I just sat at my desk and stared at it, and rolled it around between my fingers a little, and tried smelling it (but not tasting it, that would just be gross), and generally avoided working while I tried to figure out what the fuck this weird, squishy, white thing was.
And then as I looked around, suddenly it dawned on me. I can’t be sure, but I think a light bulb actually came on, just over my head. I identified the desk booger!!
Want to venture a guess?
First one to get it right wins a prize!
(I’ll post the answer this weekend, for all you sicko booger lovers on the edge of your seats…)
Sunday Update: A clue.
No one’s gotten it right yet. I think this is hilarious. I also think maybe I didn’t give you enough information. To keep it interesting, here’s a clue.
This is another view of my desk, or more specifically, the area of my desk where the offending mystery booger was found:
The items you see above include the following:
- My phone, which I *think* is left over from the early 70s. You have to be VERY SPECIAL in my office to have a phone that was actually built in the 21st century. Really, I’m just grateful it’s not a rotary.
- My prized Paris coffee mug, which I bought at the Eiffel Tower gift shop for someone else, but could not part with once I got home. People in my office have strict instructions to NEVER TOUCH MY MUG, with the exact consequences of such an offense deliberately vague.
- The mug sits atop a coaster from Madrid brought back to me from my friend Emily (the “bitch” in the above story who refused to let me use her camera phone). It should be noted that THIS picture was, in fact, taken from Emily’s camera phone, although the 24+ hours it took said picture to actually reach me from her phone remains suspicious.
- My new iPod thingy, which allows me to listen to my iPod (on random, always on random) instead of the AWFUL blend of easy listening, country and Christian rock that Austin, Texas calls “radio.” This is currently my favorite thing I have ever bought. BOB FM, you can SUCK IT!!
- Hand lotion, because my hands are dry ALL the time and simply DO NOT retain moisture.
- Assorted paperwork and bills. No, not work-related bills. MY bills. Because I pay my bills when I’m at work. I also wrote the majority of this post from work. Yes, I know.
- A pen that I stole from the “nice” supply cabinet, because all of the pens in the “regular people” supply cabinet were made by blind people and don’t work very well. I’m not kidding. Our agency has a contract with a group of blind people and buys all of its pens from them. (Please note: I have nothing against blind people at all, but they CANNOT MAKE PENS.)
- Note paper that I cut down from bigger paper. I have nothing interesting to say about this at all, just thought I should identify it since I’ve identified everything else in the picture. It would seem suspicious if I left it out, and then you’d be all, “Why did she leave it out? Is that a clue? Is she trying to say we should pay SPECIAL attention to the note paper, by not mentioning it?” (Of course this assumes that (a) you are still reading this and (b) you actually give a shit, both of which are taking a very big leap.)
Second chance for guesses! A $10 Amazon.com gift certificate is riding on this…
Answer posted tonight! I swear! (Unless something better comes up.)
Part III: The Winner and an Honorable Mention.
Okay, folks, someone finally got it right… drum roll please…
The Mystery Desk Booger was, in fact…
LOTION SPOOGE!
That’s right, my hand lotion, which remains on my desk at all times and is used at least ten times a day because my hands are like fucking iguana claws, grew a hard ball of spooge on the tip of its applicator (that’s what she said) and it feel off overnight, onto my desk.
(I’m not sure that iguana claws analogy makes any sense because (a) I don’t know that iguanas even have claws, Im trying to picture an iguana and all I can see are spikes coming out of its head – that IS an iguana, right? and (b) even if it does have claws, I’m not entirely sure that an iguana is dry skinned, although it looks really dry and I think they have to stay close to water to hydrate, but really, I have NO idea. I wouldn’t recognize an iguana if it walked up and bit me. They DO bite, right? I’m really so much more of a cat person.)
Congrats to LipoSucks, who was the first one to get it right. I will contact you shortly with your prize!!
And an Honorable Mention to CondoBlues, whose comment was so funny I actually WISHED it had been correct. But then again, what do I know? Alien brain matter COULD smell like lotion, for all I know. Still, I’m going with LipoSucks on this one. Valiant effort, CondoBlues.
A couple of other quick notes: The Bloggess offered by far the most disgusting guess of them all. Which only makes me feel even more that we should be BFFs 4-EVA. And a big thanks to MeanBean for finally answering the mystery of the pantaloons for me. (They were, in fact, NOT pantaloons. But almost as horrible.)
Thanks for playing… and stay tuned for more awesome mystery contests. You never know what kind of gross shit I’ll find next.
Stumble it!
Tags: avoiding work, desk boogers
August 8th, 2008 at 7:17 am
It had to be some of that gluey stuff they use to hold two products together (you know, when they do that “hey! get this free”‘ thing and ATTACH them to each other?) – I think they use the same stuff to hold credit cards to the paper when they send them…kind of like rubber cement glue when it’s dried…..
(Hilarious that you had to borrow a camera to document and investigate!!)
August 8th, 2008 at 7:17 am
I think it’s some of that foam tape stuff. Like tape, but with foam. You know, foam tape.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:25 am
Its rubber cement…they use it to stick stuff to magazine and book pages/dust jackets without tearing the paper when you remove whatever the hell they stuck there.
At least that’s what I THINK it is!
August 7th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
I’d be able to guess better if you’d take a little taste of it and describe that to us.
August 7th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
An anemic rat turd! Did I win?
How come your blog says it’s the 8th when it’s actually the 7th?
August 7th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Squishy? Uhhh…Yeah, I’m going to go with rubber glue. Or maybe a corn flake. Either way, gross. LOL
August 7th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
This is a test comment, because apparently my new blog has decided that I live in Australia. Which, I really wish I did, but I don’t, and I really don’t need to be reminded of that sad fact every time somebody comments on my little blog in Central Standard Time.
August 7th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
I was going to guess some rubber cement like substance as well.
August 7th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Totally seconding (or thirding – whatever) the dried cement stuff that’s used to temporarily stick cards to paper or whatever. I call it “booger glue” because it totally looks like a booger.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
The 3rd grade boy in me still thinks it’s a booger. And you should flick it on the girl who rolls her eyes at you!!!! DO IT.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Ok, I’ll tell you exactly what that is.
Let’s say you got a new magazine.
And it came with a free sample of something.
And you took the sample off the page….but was kind of stuck with that weird boogery-looking glue stuff. There you have it…your desk booger!!
Crap.
I just looked at the other comments. They are giving the same answer!!
(If I’m right…pick me. Forget about the others. Pick my answer.)
August 7th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
The cleaning crew totally left you a sample of fromunder cheese.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Hmmm…gonna need you to tell me if it’s sweet or salty before I can make a truly educated guess.
Did you do the stretch test on it yet?
August 7th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
HILARIOUS! I’m not making a new guess because I’m with everyone else – too funny tho.
August 7th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
That has to be a spitwad ie/ chewed up straw wrapper. Or I sneezed long distance.
August 7th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
I think it is glue from a box you must have opened on your desk.
Happy POW!!
August 7th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Hmmm, so it’s probably not a tiny marshmellow or you’d probably eaten it right away…. Is it a chewing gum?
BTW, I too wish you’d had a camera for the pantaloons!
August 8th, 2008 at 12:43 am
lol this is really funny! And really oogyy.. I don’t have a guess, I’ll leave that to the other commenters.. but can’t wait to hear what it actually was. And i’m very relieved to hear it wasn’t an actual booger…
August 8th, 2008 at 7:22 am
I have extensive knowledge in this area. So please listen up. If it is white then it isn’t any rubber cement products but it could be….drum roll….can she drag this out any longer…. she doesn’t have a clue but is making it sound like she invented the stuff…
That white putty stuff used to attach posters to the wall so you don’t have to use tape or tacks.
*bow*
thank you very much.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Ok…you are totally hilarious. going to have to put you into my daily reads! my ribs are hurting still from when you were talking to yourself about getting your butt to you desk.
as for the booger…i agree with all the others…it looks like that sticky thing that you pull off when you get a free sample of something.
great post!!
August 8th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Ewww!! I so would have done the same thing
It looks like popcorn! Is it popcorn?!
August 8th, 2008 at 8:49 am
I actually have no clue but am impressed that you were able to avoid work for a considerable length of time because if it.
(and stupid rolling eyes girl. I just want to slap her. I don’t even KNOW her)
I am ALL AGOG to find out about this GREAT MYSTERY!!!!
August 8th, 2008 at 9:00 am
That little gob of goo is part of a space alien’s brain. It is a little known fact that space aliens sneak into our workplaces after they close and look through our stuff to learn more about the human race. They call it archology (we’d call it snooping.)
Anyway, it’s obvious from the debris that one evening alien-archologist-snooper guy was researching what makes you so fabulous by snooping/archologing at your desk. He had a eureka momment when he realised the answer (which is, no one thing at your desk makes you fabulous. You just are.) and his brain exploded out of his ears. The rest of the alien archology/snooper team cleaned up the mess as best as they could but unfortunately, they were on a time crunch due to budget cutbacks and left a little alien brain matter behind.
Seriously.
August 8th, 2008 at 9:34 am
I have no idea. Too busy being glad it wasn’t found on my desk. (However, if it were any rubber cement product or popcorn, you’d have known from the smell right away. So I’m thinking those possibilities are out.)
August 8th, 2008 at 11:36 am
I was going to go with rubber cement but like amy up above said you would know by the smell…. so I’m lost. I’ll be checking back to see what it was.
I find your post hilarious. and you know what else I appreciate… a little foul language. Its nice to know I’m not the only other mom out there who throws around the occasional (ok so when the kids are around its hardly occasional) f-bomb around. good for you.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I’m way late to the game…though I’d have done pretty much the exact same thing if I’d come in to that on my desk…I do want to show you, here’s what pantaloons look like..and if she was infact wearing them, holy hell I wish you’d gotten a picture!!!
http://futurepantaloons.com/pantaloons.jpg
August 8th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
This is the funniest thing I have ever read! You should definitely put it on eye rolling girl’s desk!
August 8th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
rofl, that’s sooooo funny, but gross too. I don’t think I would have touched it though. I’m with the glue people. Happy POW!
August 8th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
hahaha!!! you are freaking hilarious! i am going to venture a guess that it was one of those nasty tapioca fish egg things.
August 8th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Okay, I checked and your blog is updating on my bloglist…And you are so on my list of blogs to feature next week…
I swear I’m working on your numbers I am!
August 8th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Semen?
August 8th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Is it the waxy stuff that attaches new credit cards to the paper when they come in the mail? That stuff is so boogery.
August 9th, 2008 at 5:36 am
it’s nothing really like a booger;
it’s certainly not a lump of sugar;
it doesn’t look like an old wad of glue;
a mouse turd would be another hue;
same for a bird turd dropped from up above.
i think a night elf left his ball and glove.
August 9th, 2008 at 9:28 am
WHAT IS IT??????????
Anna Maries last blog post..Playing Hooky
August 9th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I am going to guess it was that white mushy stuff you use to hang posters without making holes in the wall.
Laura @ Testosterone ZZone Taless last blog post..Calgon, take me away
August 9th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Ok, I have one more guess. (although mine was not really a guess since i was sticking with a booger) I think its a piece of oatmeal. I pulled that shit out my ass, but seriously what is it? Us weirdos wanna know!
August 9th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
I’m with flutter, guessing spit wad, mainly because it’s fun to say/think/type “spit wad.”
Thank you for commenting on my blog because I’m so glad to have discovered yours. I don’t know a ton of Austin Mommy bloggers other than Stephanie Klein and Wendy Aarons, but I would totally be into starting a local network of meet ups or something.
Do you know anyone?
Zellmers last blog post..He stands
August 9th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
I think you are (as the kids say) fuckin’ brilliant.
Welcome to your life, Bean.
Seriously.
LK
Laurie Kendricks last blog post..Regrets
August 9th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Congealed coffee cream curd?
Petrified Liquid Paper?
Old sandwich cheese?
Yeast infection?
What? What? What???????
San Diego Mommas last blog post..Going Geico: It’s Not Over Yet
August 10th, 2008 at 10:07 am
I KNOW WHAT IT IS!!! It’s the little spooge thing that clogs up the lotion and sorta shoots out unexpectedly. I know, because I’ve had that happen a million times.
August 10th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Liposucks has got to be right – it is definitely lotion spooge! Gotta be!
Carolina Girls last blog post..Anger is brewing
August 10th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
darn. all the good answers are taken.
My guess # One: Lotion ejaculated onto your desk. Ewww.
Two: Your office just got painted. It’s a paint booger.
Three: well really there is no Three. I just can’t think any more.
August 10th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I really like the lotion answer.
As promised, I’ve left you an invite to my dinner party. I actually invited Mr. Lady, and SHE CAME!!!!! I’m so excited!!
Danas last blog post..Supernanny’s Barking Mad Dinner Party!
August 10th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Oh, I’ve got it!
When you cut down the bigger paper to get note size paper, it was the gummy binding stuff that held the paper together.
Did I get it right?
August 10th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I agree with the fact that it’s lotion. But it didn’t simply ejaculate – it sat for a weekend to get a semi-hard plug in the end and then ejaculated THAT onto your desk (how? I haven’t a clue!)
August 11th, 2008 at 2:16 am
I must admit I threw up in my mouth a little when you said you were like rolling it around in your fingers… until I realised, all on my own, without the hints or anything that it was totally that gunk that hangs from hand lotion bottles like that dude in something about mary’s ear – I mean I know his name and stuff but choose not to use it – BEN STILLER! That’s it. Anyway… I would have won WHOOOO HOOOOOO!
Kelleys last blog post..if money was no object
August 17th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Your awesomeness was featured on BS Sunday on the Houston Chronicle Online: http://tinyurl.com/6c2w4u
Jenny, Bloggesss last blog post..This doesn’t bode well for the integrity of blogging
August 17th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Hey… I do have an Iguana and yes, they do have claws and yes, they do liek to be close to water and yes, they do tend to get dry skin and yes they do go through a dry skin shed. I blogged about it. I’m a nerd. here’s the link. http://fleadlure.blogspot.com/.....ng-of.html
Came to you Through Good Mom/Bad Mom!
Flea D’Lures last blog post..Whispers and Dusties
August 18th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
dang! i knew what it was as soon as i saw the lotion bottle!
*sigh*
i never win anything.
biddys last blog post..fecal matter!
May 30th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Was looking for yeas tinfection cures when I found your post. Great info. Thanks