I don’t like to touch matters of religion or politics on this blog too often, mostly because I’m very comfortable with my own feelings on those subjects and don’t feel any particular need to share them with anyone else, but also partly because lately, when it comes to religion and politics, everyone’s an asshole.  I don’t like being preached to or challenged about something that, in my opinion, is nobody’s business but my own, and I’m not thrilled about the idea of putting my own beliefs out here just to see them be misinterpreted or poked at with a big judgy stick or otherwise trashed by anonymous dickhead trolls who have nothing better to do with their time than leave asinine comments on my blog about how I’m going to hell.

(Besides, that hell thing’s not exactly news, you know?  I’ve been holding a ticket for my front-row seat on the Train Goin’ South for a long time now, and I’ve been given creative directions to the station by people a shitload more interesting than some asshat blog troll who’s too chicken to even sign his or her own name.)

Eeeeeeeenyway.

I have friends from all walks of life – Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Catholics, Jews, Mormons, Atheists, you name it.  Some are devout, most not so much, but the one thing they ALL have in common is that NONE of them expect me to think the way they do and Every. Single. One of them understands that preachy tellinyawhattado assholiness is a deal-breaker for me.  No exceptions.  One of my very closest friends in the entire world is pretty much exactly the opposite of me on matters of both politics AND religion, and neither one of us gives a shit because our friendship isn’t based on those things. It’s rooted in a long history of love and camaraderie and that’s what we choose to focus on.  Do I disagree with some of her opinions?  Well, yeah.  I do.  Vehemently, in some cases.  But she’s a smart girl and it’s not my job to do the math for her.  She believes what she believes for her own reasons, and I don’t question that.  Just like I wouldn’t want HER questioning MY positions on matters of god or Obama.

I’m lots of things– a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a writer, a joker, a smoker, a midnight toker.  But I’m no pundit.  There have been times in the past when I felt differently, when I held fervent and intense positions on certain issues and ran with my emotions out in front of me, unable to see around them.  But then I had a kid and Hey! Newsflash! Kids change everything!  Things that once seemed OHMYGOD END ALL BE ALL important suddenly seemed… well… meh.  I mean, I still fall solidly on one side of the fence and likely always will – but nowadays my weekend TV, once filled with Chris Matthews and George Stephanopolous, is occupied by Sesame Street and the variety of human-sized sex toys posing as characters on Yo Gabba Gabba.  (Seriously, people. Muno? Really?)

And I kind of like it that way.

Don’t get me wrong, I fully and heartily support the right of each individual to believe or pretend to believe or practice or observe or obey or celebrate or fear or ignore the dogma of his or her choice.  One of the things that makes this world so wonderful is its vast diversity of thought and the amazing breadth of ideas and art and inspiration that have sprung forth from that diversity.  How can anyone possibly look at something like the Parthenon or Michaelangelo’s La Pieta or the Notre Dame Cathedral and NOT appreciate the dedication and faith that drove its creation?

(one of my favorite paintings, ever)

But just because I appreciate something doesn’t mean I adopt the principles behind it.  Swelling up with joy and love at the iconic images of the Sistine Chapel doesn’t automatically make me a Catholic.  It just makes me a bad ass.

(Well, okay, it doesn’t actually make me a bad ass.  I just AM a bad ass, naturally.  But anyway.  I digress.)

My point is, I don’t want to be “saved” or sold a bag of goods just because someone else feels a need to project their business onto mine.  If you want to paint a picture or write a poem or compose a song about your faith, I am ALL FOR THAT.  If it resonates with me, all the better.  But DON’T PREACH TO ME.  Really.  Thank you very much for your concern over my soul but get the fuck out of my life.  If I want or need your guidance, I’ll ask for it.  I’m sure god appreciates the help in spreading his “word” but honestly, if he needs YOUR help with that, he’s not much of a god, is he?

Why can’t churchy people enjoy it internally? Why do they feel the need to spread “the word”? I don’t spread “the word” of sleeping in on Sundays and I think it’s awesome.

– The BFF

The only reason I’m even writing this post is because today I read this article on The Consumerist and I just HAD to acknowledge the ridiculousness of it, because if it’s true — and I don’t know if it is (the BFF thinks it’s made up because, in her opinion, no company in its right mind would respond to a customer complaint about preachiness with MORE preachiness) — but if it IS true, it sucks.

Because until today, I kind of LIKED shopping at Hobby Lobby.  I mean, I’m not exactly the crafty type, and I don’t do a ton of shopping there, but on the few occasions I’ve been there, it hasn’t been a horrible experience.  I even got a very nice fake Christmas tree there one year (and right now at this very moment I’m realizing the irony of that).  But now I don’t want to go there anymore, because I’m scared I’m going to get smacked in the face by some unexpected jesus.  I don’t WANT to suffer for my sins — I just want a hot glue gun and some ribbon, okay?

If you run a “Christian” business, good for you – but unless you’re marketing yourself specifically as such, and selling exclusively Christian-related items, keep your faith to yourself.  You’re not the Family Christian Store, or whatever that place is – you’re a fucking HOBBY STORE.

And if I’m your non-believing customer, and I write to express my unhappiness with a preachy marketing campaign of yours, don’t respond with more preaching!  That’s just STUPID!  Your preachiness will only serve to piss me off more, and land you on the Consumerist, where other non-believers will read about how stupid you are and decide not to frequent your store, either, for fear of being judged or just handing our money over to stupid people.

Call me a rebel, call me a heathen, whatever — but as a rule, the harder you work to “sell” me something, the less inclined I’m going to be to buy it.  That goes for hot glue guns and posterboard, of course.

But it also goes for Jesus.

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39 Responses to “Jesus Wouldn’t Know What To Do With a Hot Glue Gun, Anyway”

  1. Amen, sister!

    Hahahaha!!

    I am with you, seriously. And that article? What the hell?! She says she offended and they write back with preaching? Um, no, thanks.

    Oddly, the only time I’ve ever needed to go to Hobby Lobby for something was on a Sunday and they were closed. Thanks to my god for Michael’s across the street! heh

    I don’t begrudge anyone their faith (no, my mom doesn’t believe me either) as long as they don’t attempt to shove it down my throat. I have my own beliefs, thank you very much. I LOVE that there are people who are so totally faithful to their religion – I think that it is impressive; I’ve learned more about different religions over the past few years online than I ever did going to church all those years. I say, believe what you believe and I’ll do the same.

    May the force be with you (and also with you)

  2. yeah!

  3. This is a GREAT post; don’t you dare pull it.

    I wandered over to read the article before commenting, and I gotta say that I think the woman was a little over the top on this one; it’s like she was spoiling for a fight in the first place. I really saw nothing judgmental or close-minded with regard to their return correspondence. In fact, HL used some fairly soft language (“we feel”) within it. And there was no accusatory ‘you-speak’….the only times the word ‘you’ got used were in the opening ‘thank you’ and subsequent apologies.

    The world is nuts with this kind of thing nowadays. ‘Tolerance’ seems to be code for ‘I think we should be accepting of all beliefs save for Christianity.’ It’s very frustrating.

    The only way this thing has merit as an offensive move is if that corporation posted signs on their website, in advertisements and at the front of their stores that say, “We refuse the right to serve any and all vile sinners and/or rebukers of Christ and/or Christianity. HEATHERNS NOT WELCOME.”

    Again, I loved this post. I’d love to see it stay right where it is.

  4. Agreed, business is business and religion is religion, they each have their respective places! Loved your post!
    I also get very uncomfortable when I am accosted by religious people in public or at my front door. To add, I try be nice and tell them I am Jewish, well, would you believe they then try to convert me! Bugs me!

  5. Great post. I’m with you all the way.

    And my mother-in-law, after 15 years, is still trying to convert us. But she’s doing it through the kids, which sucks. Hubs has talked to her many times about how we respect her faith, but don’t push it on the kids. But she views it as her place to save our kids. It’s going to get ugly soon.

    And have you ever noticed that they only play Christian music in Hobby Lobby?

    And I’ll never be able to watch Yo Gabba Gabba again without giggling inappropriately.

  6. I saw that article and HIT THE ROOF, I mean honestly. As you know, I’m with on this one.

  7. Beej! You ROCK! you say things here that I’d love to say on my blog, but, my family and friends are nowhere near as understanding on those subjects. I have staunch conservatives surrounding me most days and a wide variety of religious friends who probably would not find my thoughts and opinions appealing. Of course, most of those don’t go pledging their faith and quoting verses on FB like those I have unfriended. I agree! I don’t want to be preached to! If I’m headed south on the train…or I prefer, really FAST jet fighter, I hope people like you are aboard!

    Cheers!

  8. that should say aboard WITH me.

  9. The fundy Christianist types loves to spread them some worda’god, and remind each other constantly that it’s their duty to do so, lest that soul’s damnation fall upon their shoulders. What a load of bullshit.

    I have to say though, that back and forth email exchange cracked me up. I wouldn’t at all be surprised if it was real. The language in the Hobby Lobby representative is spot on and has all the right jargon.

  10. You SMOKE?! YouGonnaGoToHellFerDat!

    I was pretty much nodding my way through your post, agree, yep, amen!, yessirree, and so on. The Hobby Lobby thing, though, doesn’t bug me. I’ve always known that Hobby Lobby was a Christian-run business, it’s why they are closed on Sundays (says right on the doors something like “We are closed Sunday to allow our employees time to worship with their familes” or some such)and it’s why they play instrumental Christian gospel on the loudspeakers. That music you hear in the yarn aisle? That be God’s music, all subliminal on your ass!

    Yeah, the response to the customer was preachy, and certainly not something that was going to appease a customer already upset about a religious message. While I DO! NOT! want to be preached at, especially by a hobby store fer cryin’ out loud, I do respect that they’re not apologetic for their views. Closed on Sundays means they lose a ton of business (I for one have gone to Michael’s many a Sunday because Hobby Lobby was closed) but they choose to take the financial hit because it is something the company Believes in. I respect that. And it’s not something you see many chain stores doing. I have to believe they know that their overtly Christian push can alienate customers. Being none-too-subtle, to the point of preachy-ness, means they will lose (and piss off) customers.

    Now, if employees walked around asking me if I had Jesus in my heart, then you bet your butt I’d be outta there for good. Since that or something like it has never happened to me, I am coolio with getting 40% off ceramic roosters at Hobby Lobby. (Especially if it means it’s Holy Cock! Har har har.)

    God, now I need a cigarette.

  11. I love you. I love your blog. Thank you for exposing the sex toy character on Yo Grabba Grabba- totally creepy, I think it every time!

    “Assholiness” is the funniest word I have EVER heard, and I want a seat next to you on that southbound train. I’d rather laugh with the sinners that cry with the saints, baby!

  12. I can respect what your saying, I hate being pre-judged and or preached too. But I kind of agree with what Jett said~

    “The world is nuts with this kind of thing nowadays. ‘Tolerance’ seems to be code for ‘I think we should be accepting of all beliefs save for Christianity.’ It’s very frustrating.”

    Great post as always though! ;)

  13. hell to the yeah.

  14. I’ve been a (happily entertained) lurker for a while. Love your posts. Love your humor. Love your honesty. I respect your feelings on religion and don’t plan on debating them with you. Like you said, you don’t need to be preached at.

    What bothers me about the original e-mail Sarah sent is in it she implied that Hobby Lobby could not stand by its beliefs and still fulfill her needs as a customer (just my impression). She didn’t have a complaint with the service they provided – she felt alienated by a message on their website. I understand why the message might bother a customer who wasn’t kosher with Christian beliefs, so by all means, go to Michael’s instead. Is it really necessary to write a letter and complain about the right of a business to display/proclaim religious themes?

    This is coming from a preacher’s kid who has shopped at Hobby Lobby and managed to be unaware of their Christian leanings all this time. Yes, I can miss the obvious. Thanks for the chance to speak my piece!

  15. A post like this makes it difficult for me to be a smart ass and use funny words like cock sweater and twat. However, I tend to side with the store on this one. She can certainly choose to shop anywhere she wants to – and they can choose to advertise anyway they choose to. They same way a radio or tv show does….If I don’t like, I change the station. As an active member of a church (DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING DID YOU BEEJ!?!?!) I respect every one’s belief’s and don’t cram mine down other’s throats.

    However, I’m pretty sure because you admitted that you are a “midnight toker” you are going to burn in hell. I’m not entirely sure though. I may have to check. Not sure if that’s the New or Old Testament though. Also, pretty sure that Yo Gabba Gabba is a sin too. I mean…Come on…Just look at it.

  16. Love that, “I don’t preach about sleeping in on Sundays, and I love that..”

    Hilarious.

    Thank you.

  17. I think you made me orgasm. LOVE this.

  18. Right on.

  19. Great writing; funny – and I can relate. Especially your reaction to adverts, preaching, cajoling, etc – I’m less inclined to do what people want when they try to “convince” or become pushy.

  20. I thought you were saying someone was dressed up like Jesus, and confronting people in the store! Which made me uncomfortable just thinking about it.

    But then I read the article, and I think she is overreacting. I’ve been in Hobby Lobby before, and I had no idea they were a Christian store. I’ve never felt uncomfortable in there. But if she does, then of course she should just shop elsewhere.

    One of my favorite comments under the post was this one:

    “b-b-b-but I am entitled to never, EVER be offended. That’s like the 3rd amendment or something.”

    I hesitated to add it here, because it seems confrontational. But I think it’s a good point.

    It seems like she is saying that they should change their advertising to fit her beliefs.

    It’s a private business, and they can be Christian if they want to.

    The second email where they started talking about how they can see the oncoming traffic of sin was awkward. Not very good customer service. But the rest of it seems fine to me.

  21. My gut reaction was “how dare they!” But then, being a semi-rational and occasionally coherent human being, I had to think about it.

    I’m one of those quirky left-leaning (i.e., fell all the way over and landed on my left side) folks who also happens to believe in Jesus. (I’m also apparently one of those horrible Christians who thinks that God loves everyone pretty much equally, regardless of their color, sexual orientation, nationality, political party and hair color. Except you. God doesn’t love you. Just kidding.)

    I had horrible experiences with evangelicals in my past, and to this day, even though I attend church on Sundays and sing in my choir, when I see the Christian icthus affixed to the rear end of a car the first thought that comes into my head is “asshole.” Because so many Christians, in my opinion, act like assholes. And my first reaction to seeing preachiness on a consumer website would be to think “what a bunch of assholes.” And probably be all offended. Yeah, I realize that I’m a wee bit of an oxymoron. But if I sat and thought about it, what I would conclude is that the company is entitled to share their beliefs if they want to. As the consumer, if I am offended by that, then as many have already said, I vote with my feet. But if I follow the logical progression, I think the consumer was overreacting quite a lot. I thought the store representative who responded defended their position politely. They weren’t judgmental in their language (i.e., they refrained from saying shit like “YOU ARE GOING TO HELL RIGHT ***NOW*** YOUNG LADY!”).

    So. Not that anyone cares a rats ass about my opinion, but here you have it. :)

  22. you rebel. you heathen. you… whatever..

    this may be your best post ever. no shit. seriously.

    definately your best one this week. definately.

  23. Go tell it on a mountain sistah! Love this post. I loathe preachiness almost as much as I loathe unicorns. Nope, now that I think about it, I loathe preachiness more. Now that is saying something.

  24. Just realized my comment is ironic considering my handle is Mama Mary.

  25. Well hell, I knew they were a highly Christian store just from the number of church related craft projects they sell and being closed on Sundays.

    I’m a non-Christian, but working on my Masters in Swamihood. I think this Sarah person overreacted. I sure hope that 40% savings she was after was worth it.

    Shit, this whole religion thing is just part of the game. If there weren’t these crazy people out there telling me I needed to be saved and that there was only one way to get to heaven (as if it’s a tangible place!), why, who would I have to question and laugh at? The Jews? Well, that’s not very PC.

  26. You see, you’re problem was that you were doing ‘c.r.a.f.t.s’ in the first place! I make it a policy to not do any such crafts that require me to venture beyond the stationary aisle at my local mega-mart for supplies.

  27. I write a blog and I make money from it (ads). I advertise it by participating in social media and other networking activities because I want people to read it. I welcome people there and I enjoy having people of all kinds at my place of… well… business? And if I got an email or comment from someone who wanted me to know how offended they were by the fact that I posted messages about what I believe and things I like at my places of business, I think I’d have to say something like, “Well, I wrote that stuff/put up that banner/posted that song because that’s what I believe/like/makes me horny and happy, you know? Sorry if it offended you. Please to be not coming to my website again, m’kay?” (Unless of course the first email or comment was really rude, in which case I’d be more likely to have a really emotional and spastic reaction like “OH YEAH, BITCH, WELL, IF I EVER SEE YOU IMMA GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE VAGINA CUZ YOU HURT MY FEELINGS, AND HOMEY DON’T PLAY THAT.”)

    I like your post very much, and I agree with almost all of what you said. But yeah, that whole Hobby Lobby thing is just wackadoo.

    Because, you know, really:
    A) If you have time to complain to a company that provides a product/service because you don’t like a belief they hold and choose to be open about, you might be a douchebag with too much time on your hands. Save your time to complain about things that ACTUALLY IMPACT THE PRODUCT / SERVICE YOU RECEIVE.

    and

    B) If you have a good business sense, you maybe don’t continue to poke a stick in a wound someone clearly showed you. Maybe you just say, “We run our business in a way that we feel good about, we intend no harm, in fact we really hope to do good. So sorry if you were offended, however, we are not changing, so maybe you should find a new place to shop for glue guns, bitch.” (Wait, no, leave the bitch part out of there, I think. Yeah, yeah, definitely leave the bitch part out. Sorry, I’ve had beer.)

    Additionally, I am in love with Jett’s comment, but you know that because we talked about the whole “lopsided tolerance” thing while we ate at Chik-Fil-A. Hahahaha.

    I’m writing too much. Too little of it makes sense.

    In summation, everyone has their panties shoved too far up their asses, everyone should stop being sensitive, stop being judgmental, stop preaching, and let’s all actually be tolerant to everyone instead of just pretending we are. I clearly know what everything should think and do, btw, so everyone should also just check with me in the future before they have feelings/opinions about anything.

    On second thought, let’s all just have a beer together. And some Chik-fil-A chicken nuggets. But not on Sunday, because they’re closed. ASSHOLES.

    Thank you. Good night.

  28. BEEJ. I have been thinking the same exact thing about those Yo Gabba Gabba characters. If that’s not a dildo then I don’t know what is!

    But more to your point – yeah, me too.

  29. Yeah, I became suspicious of Hobby Lobby when they started selling Jesus gum with bible verses on each wrapper…

  30. I agree with Jett, but I can see the point, as well. I live in a suburban, semi-rural area of the South and I’m still having a little trouble getting used to it. In about every conversation I begin with someone I’ve just met, I learn about their religion in the first two minutes. It’s amazing how they manage to do it in such a subtle way, too. It’s like they’re drawing a fish in the sand to see if I know the code. If I don’t respond with, “Yeah, the other night at church…” I’m not one of them. Last year, when my daughter’s public school teacher explained the Resurection to the 2nd grade students before Spring Break, I didn’t complain. I knew it was a battle I could win, but a war I would lose.

    BTW, some of the most spiritual people I know didn’t tell me what they believed in until I asked.

    Great post!

  31. This is yet just another reason that I no longer shop at Hobby Lobby. That whole thing rubbed me the wrong way.

    And yeah, Muno – he’s kinda like an orange-Gumby sex toy masquerading as a children’s TV show character and Gaby absolutely loves him and the rest of his buddies over at Yo Gabba Gabba. I never thought anything could ever be worse than Barnie or the Teletubbies! Then I went and had another kid 13 years after my last one and I discovered that there is an entire new level of hell for parents and it’s name is Nick Jr.!

  32. That title about Jesus and the hot glue gun was tits! And Hobby Lobby? All of those subliminal messages (Christian music, Jesus gum, closed on Sunday) have been slapping me in the face like a tea bag for years and I just never put it all together.

    Great post. I am so right there with you. Thanks for saying what most are too chickenshit to say!

    Oh, I’m going to buy Muno today. I don’t think he will rub me the wrong way.

  33. I neither agree or disagree with the content of this post but man are you a good writer.

  34. I read your post, I did not read the link.

    You are insightful, which is a fake-unbiased way of saying I agree.

    I cannot bring myself to say the words HOBBY LOBBY. For some reason I hear Larry David saying HobBAY LobBAY. HAH-BAY LAH-BAY.

    But that is my problem (now yours).

    That is all.

  35. ‘If you run a “Christian” business, good for you – but unless you’re marketing yourself specifically as such, and selling exclusively Christian-related items, keep your faith to yourself. You’re not the Family Christian Store, or whatever that place is – you’re a fucking HOBBY STORE.’

    I would strongly disagree with this statement. If you own a store you can run it in any fashion you like. It is a privately held company, therefore has no obligation to answer to anyone, and they are well known to be a ‘christian’ company.

    One might compare a privately owned company to a weblog. You can advertise your blog anyway you see fit, and when some troll leaves nasty comments about something you’ve written, you can respond with ‘it’s my motherfucking blog. i’ll post what i want and if you don’t like it fuck off.’

    signed-
    hater of all things crafy & christian

  36. this is one of the reasons i also don’t like forever 21. there are bible verses on their bags … and when i requested some kind of carrier that *didn’t* have new testament language, they were flabbergasted and unable to comply.

    my daughter loves the store. i want to stab them with sporks.

  37. I am pretty sure that heaven was assembled with a Cricut, some stickers and a few faux ficus trees.

  38. As a Christian I sometimes think we would be a whole lot better off without all that Biblical crap.

  39. Abso-fuckin-lutely.

    Couldn’t. Agree. More.

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