So today is my little Bean’s birthday and I’m not really sure what to say about that except HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LITTLE BEAN and also, Congratulations to me and the Big Bean for not fucking things up too badly over the last three years. If you had asked me on this day three years ago what kind of kid he would turn out to be, I probably would have said “Seriously? I just gave birth, I can’t feel my left leg, and THERE ARE STITCHES IN MY VAGINA, and you’re asking me what kind of kid he’s going to be? Fuck off and let me get some sleep” but then after I had a nap and got the feeling back in my leg I probably would have said “Beats the shit out of me.”
I was just so shocked that I even HAD one of these baby things, it was anybody’s guess. But I certainly would NEVER have thought that he could possibly be this awesome.
My whole life, I’ve never been so terrified of anything as I was of having this kid. And my whole life, I’ve never loved anything more. Nothing even comes close to touching it with a thousand-foot pole.
I don’t like to think of this as a “mommy blog” because so many negative connotations come along with that term and also because I’m pretty sure I’ve written about too many things like dildo helmets and assholes with haystacky eyebrows to qualify. I tend to shy away from posts about my amazing kid because (1) I don’t need to rub it in and (2) most other moms who write about their kids incessantly bore the shit out of me and (3) I’ve seen far too many of them come under the gun by those anonymous troll fuckers to think I would escape unscathed, and my skin is FAR too thin to handle something like that. So now I write about my friends’ boobs and my own freakishly tiny head instead, and I’m okay with that – in fact, I really like it that way.
But today? Today I am PROUD to say that I am this kid’s mommy and this is MY blog and I am using it without a single reservation or second thought to say I LOVE YOU, LITTLE BEAN. You are the very best thing that has ever, ever happened to me and I count my blessings Every. Single. Day to have you in my life. You are funny and thoughtful and spectacular and you absolutely take my breath away. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you but I am eternally grateful to this wonderful universe of ours that something like you can exist in it.
The last three years have been the most rewarding and fulfilling of my life, and the only regret I have is that I can’t go back in time and do them ALL OVER AGAIN.
I love you more than the stars and the moon and the earth and everything on it, and I wish you the very very best birthday of all birthdays in the history of birthdays. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for being mine.
Love,
MOMMY
P.S. Just to balance out the “mommy blogging” universe, I wrote a guest post for my friend John over at Living With Balls the other day. Guess what I wrote about. (Hint: BALLS.)
Stumble it!
April 26th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
Those eyes! Those cheeks! Happy birthday, gorgeous child.
(Nice work you do, mom.)
Love,
Smacksy the…um… family humor blogger that writes about her kid a lot.
April 26th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
Happy Birthday Little Bean! And happy birth day to you, mommy. He’s so precious!
April 26th, 2010 at 2:50 pm
He is beyond cute, especially that last picture, which is pure happiness illustrated if I’ve ever seen it.
Happy birthday to your Bean.
April 26th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
GOD you’re a softie. I’m ashamed to call you my friend. Ridiculous. I thought I knew you.
/may be slightly jealous that you have the most beautiful son in the entire world, and he’s a good kid to boot.
Happy Birthday LB!!!
April 26th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
I had to have an emergency C-section – and Nurse Ratchet #1. Forgot to hook up my Morphine Drip and #2 had to wake me up every two hours…to give me Motrin. MOTRIN! Finally after the third time, at like 2:00 in the morning, I was like “If slashing my gut open with a butcher knife gives me the right to fucking morphine through a little tube…Why do you insist on giving me a little orange pill for a sore back?!? Go Away Crazy Nurse! She never went away. I hated her.
But your kid is CRAZY cute – and being a Mom rocks. Looks like you are doing a bang up job.
April 26th, 2010 at 3:04 pm
Ehh, he’s not that cute.
(Pick up your jaw yet?)
OF COURSE he’s that cute and more. And what I especially like is that you can drop the f-bomb like eight times or something, plus a few other salties, in a paean to this gorgeous child. You are an original, Beej, so of course The Bean is awesome.
April 26th, 2010 at 3:38 pm
As the mother of two awesome and adorable boys, I can say without question that your son is also awesome and adorable, and I hope he has a fantastic birthday!
April 26th, 2010 at 3:48 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE BEAN!!!
He is so cute!! Hope you all have a wonderful day. Eat lots of cake.
April 26th, 2010 at 4:11 pm
I can attest to how scared you were before you left for the hospital three years ago since you gave me instructions on what to do if you died. And you were serious.
I can also attest that you have become the best mom I know and I am so proud of you and, of course, proud of our bean.
April 26th, 2010 at 4:43 pm
That is one damn, fine looking kid! Don’t worry about doing the last 3 years over, the next 3 are even better! You can keep 7-10 however
Oh, and don’t be too hard on the mommy bloggers cos after all, they feel pretty much the same as you do. They just don’t have your turn of f-word
Happy Birthday to you all.
April 26th, 2010 at 5:24 pm
I showed Rae these photos of LB and she said, “Tell her I want to babysit! He is the cutest baby EVER!” I second that emotion.
PS She also wants to know if he likes video games. She’s a goober.
April 26th, 2010 at 6:51 pm
What I want to know is…will YOUR mom adopt me? How sweet is her comment!
what a cutie the Bean is, too
April 26th, 2010 at 7:44 pm
Happy birthday, Little Bean!
April 27th, 2010 at 4:38 am
Once there was one person who made me “gush.” This is my word for what i feel unexpectantly about someone, which feels a great deal like i think love should feel: some good warm feeling washing over me because i am lucky to have this person in my life.
i went away and she grew up, but i still gushed.
Then Grandma Mo came rolling in, and i gushed again, frequently.
Then the intiator of the first gush became a sister, who was yet again another gush frequent flyer for me.
Years later the subject of your post created a synergistic, can’t match this, blow me out of the water gush, which amplified all of the gushing i go about.
Mother, father, son make me gush when i read this post and see the photos and talk on the phone…
and i feel very far away,
but i still gush.
April 27th, 2010 at 10:36 am
Happy Birthday Beautiful Little Bean!!
April 27th, 2010 at 4:16 pm
I say go ahead and rub it in. If I had a kid that adorable, I’d title my blog, “Stop Breeding, People; You’ll never do better than this.”
Really, though, I love your blog (even the mommy posts) and I think your son is the ultimate in cuteness – and I have a Rottweiler puppy.
April 27th, 2010 at 4:34 pm
shit, between the blog and papa’s comment, i think i’m tearing up over here…
but oh the unbearable sweetness. he is way too awesome. can’t imagine what you and big bean did to deserve him.. ew. yes i can. … so now i’m blubbery and kinda grossed out.
with that, i’ll hit submit!
happy birthday little bean. you are a sweetheart.
April 28th, 2010 at 11:48 am
Cheeks for weeks!
May 18th, 2010 at 10:23 am
“Seriously? I just gave birth, I can’t feel my left leg, and THERE ARE STITCHES IN MY VAGINA, and you’re asking me what kind of kid he’s going to be? Fuck off and let me get some sleep”
Wow, it’s like I was reading about myself after having Baby Bano. Exactly. Scary. But FUNNY, too. (I can laugh at the vagina stitches now that they have healed. I wasn’t laughing when I got them, though.)