Apr
28

A Note to the Lady Who’s My “Friend” on Facebook Even Though I’m Not Exactly Sure How We Know Each Other but I Don’t Want to “Unfriend” You Because You Could Be a Serial Killer for All I Know and I Don’t Think “Unfriending” a Serial Killer Is a Very Good Idea because I’m not a Serial Killer but I STILL Wanted to Punch that One Guy in the Balls When He “Unfriended” Me that One Time, so I Can Only Imagine What a Serial Killer Like You Would Want to Do to Me if I “Unfriended” You, Especially if It Turns Out that We Were Really Good Friends at Some Point but I Forgot Because My Memory is Shot After Years of Recreational Drug Use, or Possibly Because I’m Just SO Smart that My Brain Has Started to Purge All Unnecessary Information to Make Room for the Really Important Stuff like the Facts that (1) Humans and Hyenas Are the Only Carnivorous Mammals without a Penis Bone and (2) All Polar Bears Are Left-Handed, so I’m Still Your “Friend” Even Though I Don’t Know You but You Keep Sending Me All These Helpful “Suggestions” to Join Facebook Groups and Telling Me I Should Become a “Fan” of Shit I Have Absolutely No Interest In and the Whole Thing is Just Really Pissing Me Off and *Almost* Makes Me Want to “Unfriend” You Anyway and Just Take My Chances that You’ll Come After Me with Some Kind of Weapon (but I’m Really Hoping You’ll Just Poison Me Instead Because I Read Somewhere Once that Female Serial Killers Are Much More Likely to Use Poison than Any Other Method of Murder and that Seems Like It Would be Preferable to Getting Stabbed or Shot but then Again What If It’s a Poison that Makes You Suffer Horrible Abdominal Pain or Fart Blood or Something Before You Die, then I Think I Would Rather Just Get Stabbed, If It’s All the Same to You)

Bejewell on April 28th, 2010

Please stop.

Sincerely,

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23 Responses to “A Note to the Lady Who’s My “Friend” on Facebook Even Though I’m Not Exactly Sure How We Know Each Other but I Don’t Want to “Unfriend” You Because You Could Be a Serial Killer for All I Know and I Don’t Think “Unfriending” a Serial Killer Is a Very Good Idea because I’m not a Serial Killer but I STILL Wanted to Punch that One Guy in the Balls When He “Unfriended” Me that One Time, so I Can Only Imagine What a Serial Killer Like You Would Want to Do to Me if I “Unfriended” You, Especially if It Turns Out that We Were Really Good Friends at Some Point but I Forgot Because My Memory is Shot After Years of Recreational Drug Use, or Possibly Because I’m Just SO Smart that My Brain Has Started to Purge All Unnecessary Information to Make Room for the Really Important Stuff like the Facts that (1) Humans and Hyenas Are the Only Carnivorous Mammals without a Penis Bone and (2) All Polar Bears Are Left-Handed, so I’m Still Your “Friend” Even Though I Don’t Know You but You Keep Sending Me All These Helpful “Suggestions” to Join Facebook Groups and Telling Me I Should Become a “Fan” of Shit I Have Absolutely No Interest In and the Whole Thing is Just Really Pissing Me Off and *Almost* Makes Me Want to “Unfriend” You Anyway and Just Take My Chances that You’ll Come After Me with Some Kind of Weapon (but I’m Really Hoping You’ll Just Poison Me Instead Because I Read Somewhere Once that Female Serial Killers Are Much More Likely to Use Poison than Any Other Method of Murder and that Seems Like It Would be Preferable to Getting Stabbed or Shot but then Again What If It’s a Poison that Makes You Suffer Horrible Abdominal Pain or Fart Blood or Something Before You Die, then I Think I Would Rather Just Get Stabbed, If It’s All the Same to You)”

  1. Ann
    April 28th, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    I need to send this to a couple people, could you make an “event” page?

  2. mommabird2345
    April 28th, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    This is awesome! :)

  3. hokgardner
    April 28th, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    You know, you can “hide” people on FB. Which makes it so you don’t see them, but you don’t risk the chance of being poisoned by a potential serial killer.

  4. jimh.
    April 28th, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Just fighting with the wife over who saw your posy first! We do that, alert the other to Bean posts. They are the highlight of our pathetic week!

  5. swirl girl
    April 28th, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    *like*

    crack me up!

    you really SHOULD make this a fan page!

  6. Yo is Me
    April 28th, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    you can “hide” their statuses and invites. they won’t even ever know. unless it’s me, but i don’t think you and i are fb friends. and if we are, i probably already hid your updates and i’m sorry. please don’t stab me with a dull knife.

  7. Audrey at Barking Mad
    April 28th, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    Yeah, I wish I’d discovered that “hiding” thing a lot earlier in the game. That way I wouldn’t have to go around explaining to people why I unfriended them…”Oops, looks like Facebook had the hiccups and you just became unfriended, strange how that happens!”

  8. mommypie
    April 29th, 2010 at 2:45 am

    Sheesh. You could’ve just TOLD me.

    I’ll be over to kill you now.

  9. MinivanSoapbox
    April 29th, 2010 at 8:09 am

    One of my best friends joined the group “I don’t give a shit about your farm or your Mafia” – and then realized that I’M the one that fills her page up with Farm and Mafia crap. She didn’t realize that she could just hide that. So now every time I post a Farm or Mafia thing – I type “Sorry Anne” just to make her feel bad. She thinks I’m an ass. She’s currently shopping for a new best friend. You can give her a call – I’m sure she’ll friend you. She’s a facebook whore.

  10. William
    April 29th, 2010 at 8:58 am

    Wait a minute…they make a poison that gives someone Hemmorhoids? Cool.

  11. Living with Balls
    April 29th, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Wait…all polar bears are left handed?

  12. arizaphale
    April 29th, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Yes.
    And thank GOD we don’t have any penis bones. Then I wouldn’t get ANY sleep.

  13. Apryl's Antics
    April 29th, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    I have several friends I don’t *know*. It creeps me out, too.

  14. San Diego Momma
    April 29th, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    OK I’ll stop, but just one more request:

    Please join my Serial Killer fan page.
    It’s real easy. Just add your name and address and you’re done.
    And…you don’t *have* to, but I’d appreciate if you took my “Shoot or Stab?” poll too.

  15. Shannon
    April 30th, 2010 at 8:02 am

    Holy crap! I’ve been amiss in bloggie land lately, but when I saw the title of your post took up the whole page, I had to see what the fuss was about. Yes, facebook has become a necessary evil. And I totallly agree with the “hide” feature. Or just grow a pair and unfriend her. If she’s that bad I’m sure you won’t be the first one.

  16. Keyona
    April 30th, 2010 at 8:08 am

    AWESOME. Seriously. AWESOME.

  17. Emma and Sophie's Mom
    May 1st, 2010 at 12:04 am

    If you friended me on facebook, I would not send you crap invites. Does this make you want to friend me, even though you don’t know me?

    (didn’t think so)

    And, if you’re seriously worried about unfriending her, you could unfriend AND block her, that should keep her away. Unless she lives in your town or something, in which case she could come over and exact revenge on you for blocking her…

    On second thought… maybe you should just “hide” her, like everyone above said :)

  18. melanirae
    May 2nd, 2010 at 3:51 am

    What’s facebook?

  19. Ginny
    May 3rd, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    I see you’re as obsessed with serial killers as I am! Just keep a supply of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on hand. If you expect an attack, line the perimeter of your house with them. Works like a charm.

    I’m not afraid of SKs, like I’m terrified of tornadoes and throwing up, they just keep popping up in my blog posts.

  20. Elly Lon
    May 5th, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    You’re like the Fiona Apple of the blog world with that title!

  21. Meg
    May 11th, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    HIDE is the best feature ever. I use it liberally.

  22. Melanie
    May 27th, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Ah, so that’s why the same 3 or 4 people only comment on my statuses and other shit. Because all of those motherfuckers have me hidden. Time to hunt them down.

  23. Abby
    June 14th, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    HIDE is the best feature ever. I use it liberally.

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