[Originally posted February, 2010. Re-sharing now because I'm feeling nostalgic.]

So my best friend from high school (also known as “Queen Bee“) just sent me a copy of a note that I apparently wrote her from my tenth grade algebra class.  It is both hilarious and horrifying at the same time.

I’ve blacked out some names to protect the innocent but you get the idea.

A few notes:

  1. I learned NOTHING in 10th grade Algebra II.
  2. I crushed on the Cute Boy on and off from the 7th through 10th grades, but he never wanted to be anything more than friends. I look back on photos from that time and I’m baffled.
  3. The Arch Nemesis was alternately a Best Friend (also on and off) all the way from elementary school, through junior high, high school and beyond. Our love/hate relationship eventually turned to just hate. I have no idea what she’s up to now and refuse to friend her on Facebook to find out.
  4. I have no idea who the boy is I didn’t want to like me, have no idea what “Gertrud’s” was, and don’t remember anything about that Thanksgiving.
  5. My Algebra II teacher was a very short, very quiet Hispanic man who always wore his belt buckle to the side, not in the middle. There was a rumor floating through school that this signified his dedication to Witchcraft and the Dark Arts.  Having snuck into the theater that summer to see The Witches of Eastwick, and having tried several spells from The Modern Witch’s Spellbook (none successful, but probably because I substituted many ingredients and had no idea what “parchment” was), I considered myself an expert on this matter and believed the rumor completely.
  6. I still have my copy of The Modern Witch’s Spellbook and I know what parchment is now, so don’t fuck with me.
  7. The scariest part of this note is the fact that some idiot gave a 10th grader a Visa card. I don’t remember this particular credit card but I am absolutely certain of three things:
    (a)  My mother had no idea I had it
    (b)  I used it to purchase things like L.A. Looks styling gel, Jellies, posters of Sting and the Cure (likely found at Spencer’s in the mall), lip gloss and random cassette tapes for my Walkman until Visa cut me off and I never paid the balance
    (c)  My mother will leave a comment here about this being the beginning of my long career of fiscal irresponsibility, or something to that effect
  8. The “Love You Always” special L-turns-into-A effect was painstakingly conceived and devised because I believed I needed my own “signature” to stand out from all the other note-writers.  For about a semester, every note I wrote was signed this way.
  9. When I showed this to the BFF, her response was this: “It’s odd how you have changed very little. When I saw the seating chart, I thought it was a building you wanted to throw that chick off of.” I’m really not sure what this says about me.
  10. Oh yeah. It says that I’M AWESOME. And have been since at least the tenth grade.

P.S. If you use Internet Explorer, my blog has decided that you’re an asshole. Not ME, my blog. So you can’t leave a comment. Should be fixed this weekend but until then you can either (1) use an Internet browser that DOESN”T suck gross, hairy balls or (B) close your eyes and wish really really really hard to leave a comment. (Helps if you rub something.) Thanks for playing.

P.P.S. Okay, my web guy fixed the Internet Explorer issue and it turns out that I did something to fuck up that post so it wasn’t my BLOG that decided you were an asshole, it was ME. On accident. Sorry. You’re not an asshole. You’re awesome. You can like my blog again, and leave a comment, and you don’t even have to rub anything.

P.P.P.S. Unless you want to. Rub something, I mean.

P.P.P.P.S. I would do both, if I were you.

P.P.P.P.P.S. What I’m trying to say is, according to me and my blog, you are no longer an asshole.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Okay, you MIGHT be an asshole. I don’t know. I don’t know you. You could be the biggest asshole on the planet, for all I know.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I’m pretty sure my web guy thinks I’M an asshole.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Having all of these P.S.es probably makes me even MORE of an asshole.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. It should be noted that if you’re my mom, you’re definitely NOT an asshole.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Hey, Mom, can I borrow some money?

I’ve Been Awesome Since At Least the Tenth Grade and Here’s the Proof

So my best friend from high school (also known as “Queen Bee”) just sent me a copy of a note that I apparently wrote her from my tenth grade algebra class. It is both hilarious and horrifying at the same time.

I’ve blacked out some names to protect the innocent but you get the idea.

Page 1

Page 2

Transcript:

[Queen Bee] –

Hey… Guess what class I’m in? Algebra II… “you-know-who” is in here. I showed him my new Visa card and he put his arm around me and said, so, [Beej], when are we going out?” He was just kidding, but I almost died! God, he was standing so close!! I will never wash my shoulder again. Argh – I like him so much!!!!

For lunch today let’s go to Gertrud’s – just the two of us, okay? If anybody else asks to go with, just say NO.

God, I hate [Arch Nemesis]. I wish her legs would fall off. She’s always in the way. For instance, she sits behind [Cute Boy] in this class ansd she’s always leaning forward to get close to him. BITCH!! [arrow pointing to convenient diagram of class seating]

And she’s always turned sideways in her desk so I can’t ever stare at him for very long because her beady little eyes are always looking at me. I HATE HER!

{Page 2}

Well, I haven’t seen [Queen Bee’s Crush] today yet – usually I’ve seen him by now. That’s odd. What did you say his date’s name was? [Unknown date’s name]? That is so funny that [Unknown boy I clearly do not have the hots for]’s going out with an ugly chick. I just don’t want him to like me!! Because I could never like him – I’m too hooked on you-know-who!!!

Hey, don’t forget to ask your mom about Thanksgiving à We’ll leave on Thursday morning and probably come back Saturday or Sunday night. Okey-dokey?

Well, I gotta go –

Write me back!

Love you

Always,

{“L” makes “A” in dramatic flourish}

YOUR BEST BUDDY!

[Beej]

{Side note} I [heart] YOU!

{Side note} I LOVE YOU KNOW WHO

{Side note} YOU LOVE WHAT’S-HIS-NAME….

{Side note, surrounded by arrows}

Oh

my

GOD!

he just

caught

me

staring

at him

I am

SO

E

M

B

A

R

R

A

S

S

E

D

!!!

*****

A few things should be noted here:

  1. I have absolutely no memory of most of this.
  2. I crushed on the Cute Boy on and off from the 7th through 10th grades, and the Arch Nemesis was alternately a Best Friend (also on and off) all the way through school and beyond.
  3. I have no idea who the boy is I didn’t want to like me and I don’t remember anything about that Thanksgiving.
  4. My Algebra II teacher was a very short, very quiet Hispanic man who always wore his belt buckle to the side, not in the middle. There was a rumor floating through school that this signified his dedication to Witchcraft and the Dark Arts. Having snuck into the theater that summer to see The Witches of Eastwick, and having tried several spells from The Modern Witch’s Spellbook (none successful, but probably because I substituted many ingredients and had no idea what “parchment” was), I considered myself an expert on this matter and believed the rumor completely.
  5. The scariest part of this note is the fact that some idiot gave a 10th grader a Visa card. I don’t remember this particular credit card but I am absolutely certain of two things:
    1. My mother had no idea I had it
    2. I used it to purchase things like L.A. Looks styling gel, Jellies, posters of Wham! and Adam Ant (likely found at Spencer’s in the mall), Bonnie Bell lip gloss and random cassette tapes until Visa cut me off and I never paid the balance
  6. When I showed this to the BFF, her response was this: “It’s odd how you have changed very little. When I saw the seating chart, I thought it was a building you wanted to throw that chick off of.” I’m really not sure what this says about me.
  7. Oh yeah. It says that I’M AWESOME. And have been since at least the 10th grade.

Beej

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28 Responses to “I’ve Been Awesome Since At Least the Tenth Grade and Here’s the Proof”

  1. Holleeee crikey. This is the funniest thing I’ve seen all day. Which isn’t saying much, as today has not been particularly amusing, but don’t let that detract from this little piece of brilliance. If you had just posted the transcript, I would have assumed you were making the whole thing up but no. There’s the classic 16 year old girl handwriting with the bubble exclamation points to prove it.

    Wow. Just wow.

    Kids today with their texting. They just don’t know what they’re missing.

  2. I made the mistake of cracking open an old high school journal of mine the other day that I pulled out of my mom’s attic. Wow. I think I slammed it shut within 30 seconds. Some things about myself and my teenage angst I don’t need to remember. Other people’s though is a different story. This note was hilarious!

  3. I adore this post, you, and your wishing her legs would fall off.

  4. This was AWESOME! I love “her beady little eyes”. Wish I still had some of my notes from back in the day. But I’m positive they weren’t this good.

  5. Number six made me laugh nigh unto peeing.

    Other uses for parchment other than witchcraft:
    +baking
    +shrinky-dink making
    +fancy invitations to do above

    Just so you know and all.

  6. This is precisely why I have that box full of old random papers from high school. Because whenever I want a good cringing laugh, I can just pull out a random one and a flood of memories comes rushing back. Except, of course, just like you: I can’t remember much about half the nouns in the notes (VISA card? what VISA card? Gertrud’s? Huh?) Thanks for the hilarity, without my own personal cringing!

  7. I am happy to report that even with the advent of texting, notes of this calibre are still being written in Maths classes all over the world, or at least here in Australia. I have confiscated several of them.
    Oh and a friend recently ‘gifted’ me with all the letters I had written her while she was in the US for a year from 10th-11th grade. Now THAT was an ugly read.
    LOVE your signature flourish by the way! Impressive.

  8. this is exactly why i burned all of my notes from elementary through HS when my parents were moving. i think i had the same tragic love life- i was infatuated with someone who didn’t love me back but would flirt with me endlessly (or so i liked to believe)…sigh.

    I THINK Gertrud’s was a pizza place- it sounds familiar…

  9. The terrifying thing is that any one of us could have written that exact same note in the 10th grade (of course w/o the eternally awesome L turning into A thing).

  10. I’ve known my husband since high school. We didn’t get married in high school though. I married some other asshole first and then married him later. Anyway – I found some notes my husband wrote me in high school – and have come to realize that my husband writes like a serial killer. I sleep with a butcher knife now. Just saying.

  11. test

  12. Although the VISA (how did I ever miss that one?) may have been the beginning of your fiscal irresponsibility, it was not the beginning of your life of AWESOMENESS (substitute CRIME here). No, that began when you stole a check from my checkbook, forged my signature, and purchased $149.79 worth of tacky Christmas ornaments from the Porter Junior High Band. Ornaments that you were too AWESOME (substitute LAZY here) to actually sell (said ornaments) to other folks. Now that was true AWESOMENESS and you weren’t even in high school yet.

  13. MOM. To be fair, you have to tell the whole story. If I hit my goal of $150, I got a super rad Sony Walkman as my prize, and I wanted that Walkman so bad I was willing to throw my own mother under the bus to get it.

    For the record, I DID try the door-to-door approach, but three houses in it was clear that Kelley McCormick had already hit every house on our street and screwed me. The forged check was a last resort.

    It should also be noted that yes, the ornaments were tacky — but they were of lasting quality, and I know this because I still use some of them to this day.

    And lastly, let’s not forget the fact that for MONTHS you told the forged check story to anyone who would listen, including the cute boy who bagged our groceries, thus scarring me for life.

    But yes, I was kind of AWESOME. (Substitute appropriate adjective here.)

    LOVE YOU

  14. Oh my gosh- I totally giggled reading the whole thing- Although I appreciate the transcript- it was so was funnier from the letter itself

  15. Number one, I could have bought you a Sony Walkman for less than $149.79. Two, you have never used any of those tacky ornaments on your Christmas tree because one, I never shared them with you, and two, you are much too prissy about your Christmas tree to allow any of them to be any where near your tree. Lest we forget this year’s silver and red masterpiece.

  16. I TOTALLY have some of those ornaments! You’re forgetting about the year of the “crystal” theme. I probably stole them when you weren’t looking.

  17. I LOVED this post!! Also the comments from your Mom are hilarious! :)

  18. I forgot to say, you ARE awesome!!! :)

  19. oh my God, this was great. I miss those days of innocent crushes and hating ppl for no good reason and having zero responsibility.

    You so brought me back in time. I loved this!

  20. After the Walkman, Christmas ornaments, Visa card,forged check, thingies, i think i am glad i was in the Navy.
    Oh crap, i forgot about the next one, who, at 20, just borrowed $10 from me, needs gas, and has daily wars with Mom…and brought the kitty Bruce Willis home who is sitting on my shoulder and gnawing on my ear as i pound on the keyboard.
    For the record, you are both awesome (no adjective substitutions).

  21. Reminds me of all the notes and journals I have hidden away in boxes somewhere…probably the garage. Maybe I should do a little time traveling as well. Similarly, my notes are all either about boys or exchanges with boys I liked. I would be stunned to find anything else transcribed on those scraps of paper.

    Explorer DOES suck big, hairy balls.

  22. Christ on a bike, *I* could’ve written that note, right down to the arch nemesis who wanted MAI MAN. You? AWESOME.

  23. I love this! Please tell me the note was folded into the Chinese Fortune Teller?!

  24. SO FUNNY. For some reason, the parchment thing is what made me laugh the most. I once found a high school notebook of mine at my mom’s house and reading it I was horrified. Not in a good way. It was then I realized the degree to which we think we are all grown and mature at that age – like 16-18 – and WE ARE SO NOT. That insight still weirdly pains me but it has actually helped me understand where my daughter’s head is at sometimes. Though she’s a better person than me overall, thank God.

  25. If I met myself in high school I wouldn’t like me at all. I kept a box of notes we wrote and they are HILARIOUS.

    You have lovely handwriting… if it’s still anything like that?

  26. OMG. I’m pretty sure you’re my long lost Siamese twin separated from me at birth. Except I’m probably at least a decade older. I’m sending a link of this post to my husband who thinks I’m the only woman in the world who had an arch nemesis in high school. Okay, and beyond but she shouldn’t have been such a seahag back then. Anyway, you rock :D

  27. Gertrud’s was a pizza place in Oak Hill, at the Y. A lot of students worked there and I remember it as a fairly popular hang-out. But just saying that dates me… bluh. Gattiland took over the space.

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