So over the weekend my friend Big Boobs (ironically named) and I took our kids to Sea World, and there are a lot of things I could say about that but right now all I can think about is how the hell am I going to pay my bills after the HUGE ass-beating my wallet just took and also, fuck it! I got to pet a dolphin!
Oh yeah, and the kid had fun, too.
Well, he had fun EVENTUALLY. After he recovered from the shock of being smashed in face by an enormous Wall O’ Water, courtesy of that asshole Shamu.
Nothing like starting the day off with a face full of salt water and two screaming kids.
It’s not like they didn’t warn us – as soon as you walk in the arena you’re surrounded by shit that says “HEY D-BAG! Yeah, you! You DO realize that, if you sit here, in this area where all these big neon letters spell out SPLASH ZONE, you’re gonna get SPLASHED, right? No, really, if you don’t WANT to get SPLASHED, you should NOT sit in the section called the SPLASH ZONE. I mean, you’re really, REALLY gonna get SPLASHED. Really. Seriously. Kapeesh?”
Or something to that effect.
We saw the messages. We read the signs. We watched the JumboTron flash pictures on its huge screen of people getting soaked to the bone. And then we sat our dumb asses smack in the middle of the SPLASH ZONE and pulled out all of our cameras and phones and waited to see some other idiot get splashed.
Did I mention that the title of the show is BELIEVE? As in, “BELIEVE us when we tell you that you’re gonna walk out of here looking like you just took a 20-minute shower with all your clothes on and your kids are gonna freak the FUCK out”?
We were NOT believers.
Honestly, I blame the incredible cheesiness of the show. Big Boobs and I were way too busy exchanging Seriously-could-this-BE-any-more-ridiculous? glances over the heads of our kids (who were RAPT) to notice the SIX ENORMOUS WHALES that were busily placing themselves strategically to best KILL US BY DROWNING.
BELIEVE!!! It’s music! And drama! And there’s an Island Boy on the Jumbo-Tron! Wait – he sees a WHALE in the water! Just like the whales swimming RIGHT HERE AT SEA WORLD! Look as Island Boy jumps on his conveniently located kayak to make friends with the whale! In the ocean! And one day Island Boy will one day grow up to be an Island Man! Look! Here he is! In real life! All grown up! We know it’s him because of that Shiny Gold Medallion he wears around his neck, the SAME ONE he had when he was Island Boy! IT’S SO SHINY AND BEAUTIFUL!!
(And you can have one, too, just stop by the gift shop on your way out and pick one up for only $39.95!!!)
But wait! Here’s ANOTHER little boy! Who ALSO has a dream! To be a whale trainer, JUST LIKE the Island Boy who grew up! And now Grown Up Island Boy gives Random Audience Boy HIS SHINY GOLD MEDALLION! (which you can have too!)
DREAMS CAN COME TRUE! (for just $39.95)
And then SIX FUCKING ENORMOUS WHALES SPLASH THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!
Believe THAT, motherfuckers!
I just totally got swept up in it again, didn’t I. Sorry.
Anyway, the huge Wall ‘O Water smashed us all in the face, and for about 1.5 seconds we were frozen in shock, and then we realized what had happened and Big Boobs and I started laughing hysterically (while also groping desperately for our expensive electronics) and the kids both LOST THEIR SHIT because hell, what would YOU do if you were five or three and your mom took you to this show and said you were going to have fun and see Shamu the Whale and you believed her, and there’s Shamu and some Island Boy and they’re friends and look at that cool necklace! only to get a FACE FULL of SALT WATER without any warning, just when your mouth was open to tell your mom you, too, need a Shiny Gold Medallion? (It’s just $39.95 and right there at the gift shop. Mom.)
BETRAYED. By both your mom AND Shamu. You’d lose your shit, too. Am I right or am I right?
So my point is, Shamu is an asshole. And he made ME look like an asshole, too, which I really didn’t appreciate.
But my OTHER point is that the kids DID eventually get over it, and we all dried off (although my hair looked like shit for the rest of the day, thanks a LOT Shamu) and got something to eat (after a 45-minute wait and ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS for food) and then both kids fell asleep just under some Big Boobs and after a 15-minute power nap, we were ready to go again. And the rest of the afternoon was a smashing success, and by “success” I mean “nobody got smacked in the face with water again or even cried at all, except ME when I (1) saw my hair and (B) saw the price of an overcooked chili dog and (iii) puked in the Sea World bathroom after scarfing said overcooked, ridiculously expensive chili dog.”
But other than that, it was GREAT.
Seriously, it was all just kind of whatever until we hit the Dolphin Cove — but THEN the day was suddenly worth it. Because I spent another thousand dollars on eight sardines to feed the dolphins and we all got to throw them into their waiting mouths and one of them hopped up on the little step next to us and sat there and for like five minutes that dolphin was OUR BEST FRIEND and we got to pet him and love him and he showed us that he loved us back by staying perfectly still while we touched his awesomely weird dolphin skin and then we got to help push him back in the water because it turned out that he really wasn’t there so much because he loved us but because he was stuck.
Oh, well. Whatever.
I’m still calling Sea World a smashing success.Stumble it!