Okay. I’m going to tell y’all a little secret.
Sometimes I just HATE this fucking blog.
And other times — maybe worse — I just don’t give a shit.
I’ve gone five days now without taking even one tiny peek at my blog stats/traffic, and if you lived with me you would know what a tremendous effort that would normally take for me. (I’m a little… well… um… obsessive.)
Over the past few months, my posts have become fewer and farther between. I used to post something every two or three days; now I’m down to one post per week, if I’m lucky.
I have a full-time job. A three-year-old. A life. PLENTY of other things to stress and spend time on and obsess about. And I care too much about this blog to do it half-assed.
A couple of months ago I got super frustrated because I saw other blogging friends being recognized left and right, getting tons of praise and accolades, being asked to do all kinds of cool shit that I’d never even dream of. I became hyper-sensitive to the fact that some people who used to read my blog don’t anymore. I got my feelings hurt when people came to town but passed on the opportunity to meet me in real life. I was pissed at all of them, and at myself, because I knew I was being jealous and petty and insecure and, well, just a big, stupid fucking IDIOT.
I had a talk with myself. BUCK UP, I said. Put on your big girl panties, for chrissake. Write for YOU! I told myself. Who CARES what anyone else thinks?
But the truth is, I care.
People throw out that “Write for YOU” stuff all the time in the blogosphere and it serves its purpose, I guess — but it’s really just pure, blazing bullshit and we all know it. If we just wanted to write for ourselves, there would be no such thing as blogging. We blog for the sense of COMMUNITY it gives us. For the feedback. For the give and – yes, admit it – the take. Sometimes for the money. But more often, for the opportunity to have a voice. To be heard.
If those things weren’t such an integral part of blogging, there would be like a zillion more journals and diaries floating around out there, and no “blogosphere” to speak of.
I’ve been lucky to develop relationships with some truly amazing, fantastically talented, obscenely popular bloggers. And things have started to happen for many of them, as they should. Some are being recognized as the best bloggers in the country. Others are now making good money doing incredible, imaginative, useful things. Many are speaking at conferences or selling books. And when I see these things happen, I’m genuinely happy for my friends, because they deserve it — and I know it. They’ve EARNED it. Hey, look – I’m not a complete asshole. Of COURSE I appreciate the work and passion and love these amazing people have poured into their writing. Of COURSE I’m thrilled to see others recognize it, too! Of COURSE I am!
But I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a little voice in the back of my head whispering, What about me?
Over the past few months that little voice has gone from a whisper to a shout to a blood-curdling scream.
Now it’s just kind of a sad little whimper.
I think I might be done.
I was a smoker for many years, hopelessly addicted and unable to quit, despite multiple attempts. Then one day, I was done with it. I lit a cigarette, took one drag and thought to myself, “Ew. I don’t want to do this anymore.” I snuffed it out and never smoked again. No pangs, no relapse. Just… done.
When I read the Twilight series, I blazed through books 1-3 in less than a week. I got hooked and read and read and read, until I was at the very end. I was about three quarters of the way through book 4 when I put it down with the intention of coming back to it after dinner. But I never picked it back up again. To this day (and much to my Twilight-obsessed BFF’s dismay), I have no idea how the big fight with the Volturri played out.
I was just done.
This blog has been a fantastic (and much needed) creative outlet for me. I’ve grown as a writer, I’ve gotten funnier and more interesting and definitely more confident in my own abilities. I’ve lived for your comments, and I have LOVED the relationships I’ve developed in the blogging community. I’ve had the privilege to meet some truly amazing, wonderfully talented people through my blog, and even more I’ve just gotten to know from afar. Some people have made lasting impressions on me. Some of their words will stay with me forever.
Other relationships have come and gone, just the natural progression of things, I guess. I’ve spent some time being sad about that, but I know it’s just the way things work. I’ve done it, too – some really wonderful blogs that I used to read all the time have sort of fallen to my wayside — not because I don’t love them, but more because nobody likes to eat steak EVERY DAY.
I don’t know what I’m doing or if I’ll be back. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up with one of those OHMYGOD-why-the-fuck-did-I-DO-that? hangovers and immediately sit down to blog something brilliant, and it’ll be my best post ever, and everyone will freak out over how awesome I am, and they’ll comment and twitter and facebook about it and then it’ll be ME on the news and gabbin’ with Matt Lauer and writing for some amazing publication and getting awards like “BEST. MOTHERFUCKING. BLOGGER. EVER.”
Or, maybe no one will give a shit or even notice that I’m gone.
I’m thinking this might just be a much-needed break. Maybe I’ll take a summer vacation. Maybe I’ll have some surprise guest posters. Maybe I’ll try something COMPLETELY different, like some kind of bizarre giveaway game, Beej-style. (I have some ideas.)
Or maybe I’ve just taken my last drag.
Either way, I just want to take this opportunity to say thanks, to all of you, for reading and commenting and saying nice things and sometimes not-so-nice things and for making me think and wonder and feel like I was doing this for a reason.
You? Are fucking awesome.Stumble it!
Tags: sayonara (maybe)