The Dinner Party from HELL

Let me start this post by saying, I am not a “dinner party” person.  The Big Bean and I never have dinner parties, we didn’t have them pre-Bean and we definitely don’t have them now, and I think I’ve only actually been to a handful of other people’s dinner parties in my life. 

(I realize this makes us sound like we’re *slightly* lacking in sophistication, but really we are abundantly sophisticated and classy.  Can’t you tell by my fart poetry, desk booger mysteries and excessive use of the word “fuck”?  Duh.)

That’s not to say that I don’t covet other people’s dinner parties – I do.  They always look so nice on TV.  And I’ve planned lots of them in my head, usually involving elaborate table centerpieces and guests who look and act a lot more like the cast of Friends than me and my actual friends. 

Not that my real friends aren’t kick ass, because they are all FUCKING AWESOME.  It’s just that when we got together before we all had kids, our gatherings usually included some kind of live music (it IS Austin, after all) and a lot of drinking and, ahem, ”other things,” and maybe, possibly *someone* ending up curled around a public toilet like a possum after five White Russians, with the stall door locked, crying “Call 911!” and refusing to let anyone else in until the ambulance arrived to carry her out on a stretcher, which of course never happened so she had to be coaxed out by her husband and BFF with threats and the promise of Whataburger french fries at 2 am. 

(Not that that has ever happened to me.)

And then we all had kids, and we hardly ever get together anymore in any kind of organized setting except birthday parties and barbeques and shit like that.  Which is wonderful, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but what I’m trying (badly) to say is, dinner parties are just not a part of my little universe.

The point of all of this incoherent rambling is that my dear, dear friend Auds over at Barking Mad has put forth a dinner party challenge.  Well, really not a challenge so much as a prompt.  An idea, really.  Since I’m obviously TERRIBLE at explaining this, here’s how SHE explained it:

You are going to have a dinner party!  Oh yes you are.  Well OK, not a REAL dinner party, but hey, if you’re so inclined, more power to ya.  Anyhow, you’re having this swell dinner party and you are going to invite ten bloggers.

Create a post telling us who you are inviting and what about that person’s writing makes you think they’d be an intriguing/funny/interesting person to share a meal with.  What have you learned about these people through reading their blogs and what would you hope to learn about them through breaking bread with them?   

I should note that when Auds first told me about this idea, my first thought was entirely selfish.  (I know that comes as a huge shock but try to contain yourself.) 

Other people were worried about linking to bloggers who were more “popular” — that whole teen angst ”Will she even know who I am?” thing, a demon I’ve already faced (and kicked its stupid ass).  Unlike them, I wasn’t concerned about MY linking to anyone else – I’ll link to whomever I want, and they’ll like it or I’ll give ‘em the finger.  My concern was with whether anyone ELSE would link to ME. 

Since I read Auds’ post one phrase has been running on repeat in the back of my head: pickmepickmepickmepickme. 

Seriously, at least one of you fuckers better pick me.

And with that said, here it is, the moment you’ve been waiting (and waiting, and waiting) for.  My list of ten eleven twelve guests at the most insane non-dinner party there ever was in a virtual world of bloggers (couldn’t narrow it down to just ten, and this is my party, so there):

1. Velveteen Mind
   She is a wonderful writer and very much a part of this COMMUNITY of writers that I am still coming to know and love.  She also has super-sized balls and isn’t afraid to ask for what she wants OR stand up for her friends.  I totally want her on my side.
      
   In my dinner-party-fantasy-world, she would help me organize everything, including the invitations.  She would open the door when guests arrived and help me serve dinner.  Then she would proceed to charm the pants off of everyone with her mad social skillz.  
        
2. BackpackingDad 
   He has a backpack.  And a daughter.  And the daughter (who is beautiful) rides in the backpack.  He also studied philosophy in college, which is almost as useful as my History degree.  To top it off, he’s smart, funny, devoted to his friends and family, and COOKS.
     
   He is and will always be my virtual Jake Ryan.  Maybe he’ll even bring me a birthday cake and give me my undies back. 
             
   (That was a Sixteen Candles reference for those of you unfamiliar with one of the best teen angst movies ever made.  Relax – it’s not really my birthday.)
       
3. Maggie, Dammit
   When I first found her, I knew immediately that I wanted to be Just. Like. Her.  I’ve even stalked her outside of the Blogosphere to find out how I could be Just. Like. Her.  She has been gracious and kind and her blog is awesome.  She recently told a story about running over a porcupine repeatedly which managed to be both horrifying and hilarious at the same time.  Not many people can pull that off, you know.  
         
   I would spend the entire dinner party trying to impress her.  And she would still be gracious and kind, but she might look behind her a few times on her way home to make sure I wasn’t following her.
      
4. Mommy Pie 
   She wants to marry herself.  And she took an extremely awkward photo with Ted Turner once.  She sometimes Photoshops people’s heads onto tacky photos.  And, like me, she has an affinity for George Clooney and an aversion to anyone who invades her personal space.  
          
   At my non-dinner party, she and I would be brazenly inappropriate and laugh uproariously at how hilarious we think we are. 
         
5. Foz Meadows 
   Do you ever meet someone and, even though you have absolutely nothing in common (except a shared love of Buffy the Vampire Slayer), you just LIKE them?  That’s Foz Meadows for me.  She’s obviously like a zillion times smarter than I am, but she still reads and comments on my blog, and her blog always makes the most interesting observations. 
         
   She probably wouldn’t say much at the party, but what she WOULD say would leave everyone going “Huh.  Wow.”
      
6. McMommy 
   She’s cute and she makes me giggle.  And she runs this thing called “POW” which has helped me discover a whole new community of bloggers I never knew existed.
      
   She would be all girly and giggly at the party, with a frilly scarf covering her McGoiter (did I forget to mention her little friend?), and she would stay to help clean up afterwards.
      
7. Foolery 
   She’s so smart and funny, I can’t even come close to touching her.  Everything she says is gold.  (But DO NOT let her plant an earworm on you – she’ll do it when you least expect it and before you can utter “The Brady Bunch” you’ll be singing that goddamn Sunshiny Day song and you WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SHAKE IT.)
       
   At the party she would roll her eyes at me and MommyPie a lot, saying sarcastic yet hilarious things about what dumbasses we were, but it would all be in good fun.  And she would wear horrible, horrible clown-like shoes, just to make a statement.
      
8. Waltz in Exile 
   If you don’t know why I’m inviting her, click over to her blog and take one look at the names of all of her posts.  I have to look up like 80 percent of them up with my boyfriend Dick.  It’s like, not only do you get a kick-ass post that’s funny and smart, but you ALSO get a Word of the Day.  Two birds, one stone.  (I think she would called that “interleaved execution” or some shit like that.)
      
   She would be the one at the party listening to what everyone else is saying and taking notes. 
       
9. Y 
   Y can belt out “A Whole New World” like nothing you’ve ever seen or heard.  She has a beautiful soul and a raucous sense of humor. 
      
   Throughout the party she would laugh loudly at everything, but every now and then she would say something smart and sweet, and we’d all stop and look at her for a moment, not really knowing what to say, and then she’d laugh loudly again like she was just fucking with us.
       
10. The Bloggess 
    Come on, people, you HAD to see this one coming.  I lurvs me some Bloggess.  She is snarky, sarcastic, rude, offensive, bizarre, and fucking hilarious. 
        
    She would get wasted about 20 minutes into the party and proceed to make loud observations about everyone else’s physical flaws, comparing them to dwarves and hobbits and shit like that.  And we would all find her hysterical and someone would make sure she got home okay at the end of the evening.
        
11. Flutter 
    Flutter would be off in the corner somewhere with a guitar or something, maybe reciting poetry, and everyone would gather around her and swoon because every word from her lips would be lovely. 
        
    Remember the guitar-girl at the party in Say Anything?  That’s Flutter at my party.  She would give an ethereal edge to the evening.
       
12. Mommys Martini 
    She’s a real-life professor and extremely smart and very funny but mostly she’s supportive and kind and always answers my ridiculous questions about the technical things that I don’t understand.  And she doesn’t mind when I forget the answers and have to ask again.  She even called me “earnest” once, which I appreciated more than she knows. 
        
    She would keep everyone at the party in line.  Definitely the designated driver of the night.  Which is ironic, given her name.

Note:  I did not include Auds here because this was all her idea, so obviously she would be the Guest of Honor.  Besides me, of course. 

Stumble it!