Bejewell on August 12th, 2010

So after much deliberation and one absolutely SPECTACULAR summer break, I’ve decided NOT to kill the blog for good but instead to come back with a fiery vengeance.  (And by “fiery vengeance,” I mean “maybe I’ll write a post every now and then, if I happen to remember and don’t have anything better to do.”  Let’s keep those expectations low, m’kay?)

I’ve been thinking for a while about what I’d do for my first post back and I have a summer’s worth of ideas about what to write but now that it’s time to actually write something I kind of hate them all. Yeah. This blogging thing is great. Why did I need that break, again?

Anyway, I think I’ll just let you guys decide. Here are your choices.

Possible First-Post-Back Ideas:

  1. I’m Pretty Sure My Husband Is Trying to Kill Me With His Shoes
  3. Mickey Mouse Hypnotized Me and Took Away My Free Will
  4. Our Dog Is Old And Dying But He’s also a Huge Asshole So We’re Okay With That
  5. Nobody Voted for My Boobs and Now They’re Sore Losers
  6. Something Smells like Cheetos
  7. Why I Want to Stab Texas in the Face
  8. Why I Want to Stab McSweeney’s in the Face
  9. Why I Want to Stab BlogHer in the Face
  10. Wow, I Really Want to Stab a Lot of People in the Face
  11. My Child Is the Cutest Fucking Thing You’ve ever Seen and Don’t Even Try to Argue or I Will Stab YOU in the Face
  12. Dear Pedicurist: I Am Sorry I Kicked You in the Face
  13. I Think Maybe I Have some Issues with People and their Faces
  14. I Kind of Hate my Own Face
  15. I Clearly Have No Idea How To Capitalize Blog Post Titles

I would set up one of those vote-poll things here but I (1) am too lazy (B) have the technical expertise of a retarded wallaby and (iii) don’t wanna so just leave a comment down there – remember those?! comments are FUN! LEAVE ONE – and tell me what you want and after I have at least ten comments (which at this rate should take about seven months) I will tally the votes and write whatever the hell I feel like writing, anyway.

It’s just how I roll, y’all.

Good to be back.  Love you guys.  Thanks for hanging in there.



P.S. I don’t actually know what a wallaby is but I’m pretty sure it’s stupid. Stupider than me, anyway.

P.P.S. Okay, maybe not.

P.P.P.S. Pick the one about Mickey Mouse and you will see adorable pictures of my kid on vacation. And I KNOW you’ve missed him.

P.P.P.P.S.  Pick the one about how cute my kid is and you will also see adorable pictures of my kid on vacation.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Pick any of the ones about someone getting stabbed in the face and you will STILL see adorable pictures of my kid on vacation.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Hell, who am I kidding?  We all know I’m going to post adorable picture of my kid on vacation no matter WHAT you choose.


See? I can’t stop myself.

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31 Responses to “Come On, You Know You Missed Me”

  1. Im pretty sure my husband is trying to kill me with his shoes too. We should compare notes.

  2. Are you sure it’s Cheetos that you are smelling and not some other cheese-like product? Cheetos and cheese curls and or even cheese balls smell quite similar. I would like you to write a blog post about the similarities of cheese-like products.

  3. God I fucking love you and your desire to kick me in the face. LOVE. I’m seriously sototally coming down just for that privledge.


    And I kicked BLogHer in the face, too, last week. But she kicked back harder. SIgh.

  4. I was going to vote the the husband/shoe thing, because my husband is also doing so and his shoes are size 13, which is rather like attempted murder via yacht. HOWEVER, then I got to McSweeney’s and YES, PLEASE to that. McSweeney’s makes me want to stab myself in the face. Okay, maybe not. But definitely you, at least.

    Welcome back.

  5. Wait, who are you again?

    Kidding- here is my suggestion Why I Want to Stab BlogHer in the Face.

    Let me know if you need material. Cause I got some.

  6. Welcome back. Feel free to stab me in the face with any of these.


  7. I think you should write another blog about Gross Vagina Diseases because that is how I found you afterall and I’ve been laughing ever since.

    P.S. I just went back and realized you titled it “Urine Trouble” not “Gross Vagina Disease”.

    P.P.S. Now you know google refers people with gross vagina diseases to you for help. Good job.

  8. I’m Pretty Sure My Husband Is Trying to Kill Me With His Shoes

    In my case, it’s boots, and hundreds of them.

  9. #13!!!! I hate other people’s face and demonstrate that hatred all over mine!

  10. I really want to hear about why you want to stab so many people in the face. I want to stab a few of my co-workers in the face but I am sure you have different reasons. But you won’t hear me complain if you post adorable pictures of you way to cute to be a real kid, kid.

  11. It is probably no shock to anyone here but Id like to hear more about the boobs.

  12. How about

    16. If someone steals my ideas for blog posting after a long break – I will kick them in the face or just have my adorable kid throw a bag of Cheetos in their face! and I know it will be SwirlGirl who hearts Cheetos so that wouldn’t be enough of a punishment.

  13. I was leaning toward Mickey Mouse…until I saw the one about boobs. My mind sort of did the old freeze mode, you know how you can’t stop your computer from going to porn sites? What? Never happens to you? Damn, my computer is weird, then. Anyway, yeah, I’m with Brad, lets hear about boobs. You could throw in some pictures of your awesome kid, too…you’ll make it work, i know you will.

    Glad to have you back, btw! (Isn’t that awesome how i threw in that acronym? I’m so young and trendy! “LOL” LOOK! did it again!)

  14. Did I mention, I am for the Boobs?

  15. I hang on any word you say, so you know I’m good with anything you want to write about. Shush! You know I’m telling you the truth! I am! Even if I don’t capitalize my blog post titles!

  16. We’ll take you whenever face killing and all

  17. #3!

  18. I want #6, but add because something smells like Cheetos, I want to stab someone in the face.

  19. Anything with violence to the face works for me. :D

  20. At the moment, I’m leaning toward stabbing BlogHer in the face, only because I’ve been feeling a little stabby toward BlogHer myself.

  21. My husband sits at the bottom of the stairs to take off his shoes and leaves them there… ! At the bottom of the fucking stairs! And guess who trips over those bastards when she is carrying the old and dying dog downstairs to go pee at 3am so she won’t do it on the carpet, again, tonight. Seriously, I love this dog but I’m over it and fuck why don’t you die already so I can get new carpet.

    My friend, big boobs cleaned out her closet last week and her hubs has (had) 26 pairs of shoes. I keep telling her he is gay but she doesn’t believe me. Any man who found and loaded a keyboard with graphic emoticons on his iPhone AND has 26 pairs of shoes… gay.

    Your crazy cute kid and my crazy cute kid need to get together and wear plaid be cute as hell together and suck all the cute out of the room they’re in so none of you other bitches spawn can claim to be the cutest. Try it and I’ll stab you in the face.

    xxoo glad you are back. I found your blog right before summer, while searching on something ridiculous. I begin reading it, and liking it. I don’t have time for blogs, seriously. But then I read more and loved it, two weeks later you quit. Fuck.

  22. i love you. next time we visit i’m going to take over your blog. and put a lot of penis jokes in there somewhere. and you’ll wake up with photoshopped boogers (and real ones) on pictures of you. and maybe a couple of my excellent photo bombs. but i think you should write a post about our crazy drug deal/just kidding we’re just buying scalped disneyland tickets. that’s a good story.

  23. Eh, I don’t know…..can’t you think of anything else to write about? Maybe wallabies. I know what wallabies are and I am pretty sure they could kick your butt in a technology competition. But maybe not if Mickey Mouse hypnotized you….who knows.
    Damn cute kid regardless.

  24. Jeez, didn’t think I’d have to stand in line to leave a comment. My favorite part of the whole blog is the inconsistent numbering 1) B) iii). Priceless. No wait, I’ll pay $1.50 for it. Send me a bill. You so crazy.

  25. Glad you’re back!

  26. I like Tracy O… she’s one of us.

  27. I’d go with Pedicurist kick to the face. Because sometimes they’re rough and they try to pretend like they don’t know that fucking shit hurts and I’m pretty sure they’re laughing on the inside at you pretending like oh it just stung a little as opposed to feeling like OMG THEY TRIED TO CUT MY TOE OFF JUST NOW AND IT’S SANDAL SEASON!! WTF?!

  28. God, I love you!!

    I think you should write a post called “In Your Face!” You may add “A-holes” to the end, but that’s only if you’re really feeling it.

    Next time you leave us, I’m totally kicking you in the face.

  29. #16. hahaha

  30. all of the above

  31. Welcome back! I know, lamest comment ever. That right there is a PERFECT example of why I never leave comments anywhere. But you, you’re special and deserved a comment. I’m just sorry it was as lame as it was. However, hopefully the part where I told you, you are special will make up for the lameness of the comment. I really should shut up now because the lameness is just oozing out of me and Gaby is running around trying to put her Bikini on the cat and if I don’t get off my ass, someone is going to need a plastic surgeon ASAP!

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