So last night I was doing my weekly holy-shit-it’s-Sunday-night-and-none-of-us-have-clean-underwear laundry when an enormous cockroach scurried across the floor and when I say “scurried across the floor” I mean “tried to attack me and eat my face off” and when I say “enormous” that really doesn’t do it justice but I’ve spent the last twenty minutes trying to come up with an analogy to convey to you just how big this bastard was and I simply can’t do it.  I started to say it was the size of my forearm, but then I realized that I don’t actually know what the forearm IS.  I guess it’s in the front of the arm somewhere, right?  Isn’t that what “fore” means? Like, forward? So it would be the part of my arm that faces forward? Does that make the other part my “backarm”?  I’m so confused.

Plus, sometimes I like to do my jazz hands walk to entertain myself and usually I do that like this:

So what part of the arm is “fore” NOW?  HUH, INTERNET?!?!

Also, is there something wrong with my ring finger?  It looks like a potato.

Anyway, clearly I had to ditch the “forearm” analogy so I changed it to “hamster” but it turns out I also have no idea what a hamster is.  I mean, I know it’s a little furry rodent that lives in a cage and likes to run on a wheel for fun – DUH – but there are all these other little furry rodents that live in cages and run on wheels (which, WTF, little furry rodents? Find a real hobby) like gerbils and guinea pigs and mice and rats I can’t tell ANY of them apart.  I think whoever made these animals did it just to screw with our heads.  And no, I don’t mean god, I mean the mad scientists who have special labs hidden underground and in volcanoes and stuff where they perform crazy experiments and turn people into mutants and genetically engineer huge, dangerous cockroaches and plot to destroy the world by confusing it to death.  Obviously.

So, not knowing which of the furry, scientifically-created rodents is most like the gigantic, genetically-altered cockroach, I’m just going to say that this bitch was FUCKING BIG and leave it at that.

And besides, the point IS that this giant cockroach tried to attack me and eat my face off and I was freaked the FUCK out so I ran into the bedroom to get the Big Bean because bugs and dead things are his domain (it is in the marriage contract) but he was sleeping and I tried to wake him up to do his husbandly duty but he just kept brushing me off and even when I shook him really hard and slapped him, all he did was open one eye and mutter something about how I should leave him alone or something.

He is SUCH an asshole when he’s sleeping.

And there I was, totally on my own against this monster and no idea what to do, so I got my broom because a broom is the most logical weapon against a large rodent-sized cockroach that wants to eat your face off and I went after that sucker like a fucking NINJA, y’all.

Well, okay, I didn’t.  I WOULD have if I could have found it, I really would — but by then it was gone and the only place for it to go was my gym bag so I’m pretty sure it’s in there right now, waiting for me.  Today’s visit to the gym could be REALLY exciting.

Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep last night.  I was too upset and every time I’d drift off I dreamed about the cockroach eating my face off, but not ALL of my face, just my lips, so I kept waking up and desperately groping my face to make sure that my lips were still there.  So I’m operating on a few cylinders shy of a piston right now.  Or whatever.  I don’t really know pistons. Or cars, or anything.

But for the record, I DO still have my lips. So far.


P.S. The Big Bean slept like a baby. Asshole.

P.P.S. I know a bunch of you picked topics you wanted me to write about but I’m sorry, this cockroach story just HAD to be told.

P.P.P.S.  If anyone has the answer about this forearm issue, please get in touch with your senator.  It’s important and needs to be addressed in a public forearm.  I mean, forum.

P.P.P.P.S. I think I should clarify that I really only do the jazz hands thing when I’m walking down the hall at work. Or at the mall.  I don’t do it when I’m just standing around.  That would be ridiculous.

P.P.P.P.P.S.  Don’t even bother with the hamster thing.  The whole mess is just too convoluted.  If you think about it too hard, the terrorists win.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S.  You didn’t really think you’d get out of reading this post without seeing at least ONE picture of my adorable kid on vacation, did you?

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21 Responses to “I’m Pretty Sure a Giant, Genetically-Altered Cockroach is Going to Eat My Face Off at the Gym Today”

  1. I think FUCKING BIG is quite succinct.

  2. My favorite part: “WTF, little furry rodents? Find a real hobby”

    I’m so happy you’re back! :)

  3. So I was able to rescue the cat from the Bikini-Toting-Preschooler-of Doom (and I *think* the cat was thankful but he was too busy licking his ass to thank me for saving him from utter ridicule by the other two cats if he were to have been caught by said doom-filled preschooler and made to wear her bikini…douchebag!), and bribed her with strawberries, bananas and marshmallows long enough to come out and read this post. And what the hell? Cockroaches? See that’s why I no longer live in Texas, or any part of the south. The cockroaches. Ya’ll raise some big-ass cockroaches in the south. Big enough to offer them their own water and food bowl, and put a flea collar on them. Hell, if the gov’t down there wanted to raise some revenue, they could make you guys license the damn things and get them rabies shots. That’s how big they are!

    The big haired ladies I used to live near in Houston wouldn’t deign to call them cockroaches. Nope, they’d just pat me on the back and tell me they were “Wood bugs.” Ha!

  4. I love that you slapped your husband…he totally should have helped you out at that point. I mean, slapping implies total desperation, right?

    Note to self: Never ever take a picture of your own arm.

    Your kid is adorable…love the skulls.

    Hope you still have lips today!

  5. i once had a roach crawl across my effing face whilst i slept. which, holyeff, is one helluva way to wake up. i do NOT recommend it. (i don’t know how i sleep in that bed anymore, to be honest with you. i should just move.) we (my husband) did find it and kill it with a vengeance so, there you go. frigging roaches, man.

  6. I can totally sympathize with ya Beej. I was cleaning in my room yesterday and made a point to get rid of any of the recently cropped up spiders and their webs. Today I get back from my run and I see the biggest sicknasty fuzzy spider ever. And by the time I managed to stop screaming and telling my boyfriend to get his ass over here it disappeared. It very well could be in my makeup bag which should be interesting next time I head off to work. Glad your back, loove your stories. :)

  7. Now you see the SPIDER thing would definitely have freaked me out in the same way it did Steffanni but cock roaches? Meh. Not so much. Not to say I wouldn’t have tried to kill it though. I mean, I too have woken up with one crawling across the back of my neck and that was NOT nice but it was a pretty bug infested student house and I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor so I guess I asked for it. But in Australia you see we have big roaches too and they FLY! Nasty. But at least they do not have fangs and kill you so they do not attract the peak of my hysteria. Gerbils on the other hand…..I mean……have you smelled those mothers???????
    More vac pics please. Liking the skull shorts too.

  8. i’m just glad yer back damnit. i should share my cockroach/husband stories with you. they make me cry.

  9. My go-to comparison is “as big as my head.” Aptly describes everything from my favorite foods to my future cravings to your bug house guest to after-market zits to — well, everything.

    And no one would DARE tell me that my head is too big. Not if they wanted one of my cookies as big as my head, anyway.

  10. Brooms are no match against cockroaches. It’s like they’re going through a dry car wash. Next time just put a glass over it and let Big Bean get it when he wakes up. That’s how I deal with monstrous prehistoric invaders at my house. I can’t deal with the *squish/crunch*. Seriously, I’m freaking out just thinking about it. I lived in Florida for 29 years. Those cockroaches have wings and a Kamikaze mentality.

  11. I always get summoned at all sorts of crazy times to kill a bug. I hate it but, like you said, it’s in the marriage contract.

    Bad job by Big Bean there.

  12. I think I’ll just stay the hell out of Texas, thank you.

  13. Hey! I can comment again. Woo-hoo.

  14. Ok, first, now I have no clue which part is really the forearm (and the forearm forum – bwahaha)

    Second, don’t they say everything is bigger in texas? So, you’ve got that going for you. You’re probably going to need a bigger broom though, so see if you can get one of those.

    Third, I call your bluff on not doing jazz hands while just standing around!!

  15. Cockroaches are bigger in Oahu.

    The kid needs to learn to surf…every day.

    Hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs, squirrels, rabbits, aka rodents don’t compare to newts. Sir Isaac Newt is glaring at me as i write this.

    Husbands should be allowed to sleep peacefully through cockroach, etc. crises.

    What about bow arms and stern arms?

    Are jazz hands anything like the Hand Jive thing?

    Damn, i’ve missed my blogging daughter.

    And i miss all of you…so much.

  16. I’m not surprised you’re annoyed. Something that big should be paying rent.

    kyknoords last blog post..nnnn Database Errornnnn Error establishing a database connectionnnn

  17. I think that if it’s going to live with you, you should at least name it. That way, it won’t seem as scary next time it appears.
    Or, you can do like my 5 year old son did. He saw an ant in the bathroom and was scared to squish it. So he gets a super sized plastic toy ant to try to scare it away. Yes, that’s my boy! So according to Super Dude, all you need is a bigger plastic roach and it will be scared away. Not that it worked with the ant…

  18. I’m pretty sure you melted my brain. For reals.

  19. So did you teach your adorable son to do jazz hands too? He seems to have learned them from SOMEONE. :)

  20. ABC Pest Control honey. We’ve been using them religiously since I was woken by a tickle running across my arm in the middle of the night that turned out to be a GINORMOUS, forearm-sized roach. I hate those little fuckers.

    My kids want a hamster/guinea pig for Xmas and I’m trying to decide which one is less creepy. Plus, don’t they die super fast? Ugh. I am not looking forward to staging the little rodent funeral in the backyard.

    I like the FB promotion. It forced me to read a blog again (I’ve fallen out of the blog world. Sorry.) Glad it was yours.


  21. Thanks got you have survived the attack and lived another day to tell this story. Lol.