So someone found my blog today using the search term “why does my ass smell like cheetos” and it made me realize that it’s been a while since I reviewed my blog search terms.  I may have been on summer break, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been keeping tabs on the search terms people use to find my blog.  Over the summer I had some really juicy ones, and by “juicy” I mean sick, pervy, twisted, awesome, horrible, hilarious and all of the above.  Let’s explore, shall we?

(P.S. I honestly love each and every one of you.  Thanks for finding me, even if you WERE just looking for elephant porn.)

Category #1:  Now THAT’S fucked up

  • dolphin skin wallet
  • i need a letter to break up my sons marriage
  • waterslide girl loses toe?
  • nobody consulted me about this new baby thing
  • seducing my own husband on facebook but he doesn’t know its me
  • my parents HAVE dildos
  • plucking baby unibrow not grow back
  • i am a girl and i want a didlo for free but i dont want my perents to find it
  • “thought i was the grandfather of my son”
  • I love a guy with a ponytail

Category #2: EXACTLY

  • bizaree things are fun to say
  • albino repellent
  • dont try stupid thing like murder some one
  • my husband my bitch
  • why is facebook shitty this morning?
  • fathers day is a bull shit holyday
  • I love baked cheetos
  • don’t cram your beliefs down my throat
  • friggin’ delightful
  • nobody gives a shit
  • small heads look better
  • dan fogelberg was an asshole
  • ryan seacrest disproportionate head
  • dr. phil sanctimonious

Category #3: Stupid questions

  • jesus should I leave on the 16th
  • why provoke people
  • why am i the brain in breakfast club?
  • is it rude to scratch your balls
  • Is it terrible to unfriend someone on Facebook
  • does facebook accidentally unfriend people
  • what does it mean when someone unfriends you on facebook
  • why is it so insulting to be unfriended
  • where do I put my keys when i come home
  • what does it mean when a cat makes a sneezing noise but it isn’t sneezeing
  • what happens when your baby is born on new years eve
  • is the louder the sneeze the more germs
  • when blowing a bubble from bubble gum does your boobs get small

Category #4: Excellent questions.

  • why do we use forks
  • how do you make a brainwashing helmet
  • seriously, is muno a sex toy?
  • why is my weiner dog so weird
  • where is the very hot 69 sex
  • what do I do about our neighbor outside in his underwear
  • Is an accidental burp at the dinner table rude?
  • is lemon tree song useful in anyway?
  • How do I unfriend Nancy Grace on facebook?
  • good zombie weapons disguised as something else
  • where do all the forks go
  • why isn’t my sunburn hot?
  • why does my lemon tree have wrinkly lemons
  • who’s the bean
  • Why I hate a person I love?
  • why would anyone ever wear assless chaps
  • can u shoot a fork out of ur bum by farting?
  • Where are Shamu Parents

Category #5: Seriously questionable fashion choices

  • Oh, I’m in assless chaps
  • pink assless cowboy chaps
  • cutting jeans into chaps
  • dildo hat
  • little thug shirt
  • penis on the sweater
  • penis sweater
  • im a guy trying to get a ponytail
  • shiny plastic pants
  • small head big butt outfit
  • gigantic furries boobs
  • squirrel chaps

Category #6:  We should talk

  • i think i have no soul
  • I put my boogers under my desk
  • i’m a dildo in the morning
  • FREAKISHLY SMALL HEAD
  • I hate crockpot
  • my husband wants my facebook password
  • really terrible poetry
  • things I’ve learned from porn
  • people with unusually small heads
  • stalking rules

Category #7: Best. Party. EVER.

  • unibrow party theme
  • lady toy party
  • you me and a pair of assless chaps
  • let’s get together and break shit
  • who got naked on summer break
  • zombie dildo
  • bad porn sweater lady
  • boobs seaworld

Category #8:  Sounds like somebody’s having a pretty bad day

  • how do you get lollipops out of hair
  • hate seeing ugly people on facebook
  • sunburn on my ass
  • i want a fucking fridge now
  • home remedy for sunburnt butt
  • I’ve just had my keys stolen,I left in the door when coming in
  • accidental poop
  • my husband has passwords for everything
  • Shit I’m sunburned
  • out of the blue my best friend unfriends me
  • urine culture wasnt a good catch
  • omg my husband is gay
  • this helmet is pissig me off
  • somebody called social services on me
  • had to pretend I was gay because somebody gave him chaps
  • devil repellent
  • I hate the fact I was born to my family
  • turned into wrong lane
  • shit my husband ruined
  • sunburned blotchy face now what
  • husband shit his underwear
  • co-worker rolls eyes at me
  • “on the phone” and “had to pee” and “* my pants”

Category #9:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

  • and i don’t know why it’s been so hard

Category #10:  Huh. Wow. Really? Huh.

  • wife wears dildo all day
  • the cat wrote a letter to my son
  • wearing a dildo for 10 hours
  • boogers the size of corn flakes
  • chicken nugget dildos
  • museum of big vaginas
  • Love to Breastfeed My Husband

Bonus Category:  (Spechless.)

  • i made my boyfriend suck my fart
  • can i lease a dildo for a day
  • giantess use guy as dildo
  • im only 11 but i want a dilldo
  • ode to my baby’s asshole

Love,

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8 Responses to “I’m Really Sorry But I Actually Have No Idea Why Your Ass Smells Like Cheetos”

  1. Man I am definitely doing something wrong with my blog. I only get boring queries like lice and running.

  2. Somebody put in nobody gives a shit and got YOUR blog? I call shenanigans! They should totally be getting my blog….

  3. I would like to have a sit down chat with the “hot glue dildo” person. First – If it’s a girl…then I have some very suitable places she can shop, which are quite inexpensive, so she doesn’t have to fashion herself a dildo out of craft room scraps. Second – if it’s a boy that’s searching for this then we need to smack him. and hard. Dude…Don’t give your girl a dildo put together with hot glue. It’s tacky.

  4. I love these posts. They never get old.

    Where can I find the big vagina museum?

  5. JD has to be proud of you. i am, and i’m glad you are back in good form.

  6. Wow. Ode to your baby’s asshole, huh?

    Maybe I just missed that post. (whew)

  7. Just be happy you didn’t end up with a visitor who Googled, “Lice margaritas.” WTF? Although, “I made my boyfriend suck my fart” is pretty close!

  8. Speechless and fucked up is right. [though the vagina museum has piqued my curiosity]

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