Bejewell on September 2nd, 2010

So I don’t know if you’ll remember this but I’ve spent the past five years working next to a guy who is gross and creepy and horrible and I’ve spent a lot of time air-strangling him and making obscene gestures at him from behind our shared cubicle wall and quoting him on Twitter while HE bitched about how nobody appreciated him and carried on truly mortifying private phone conversations within earshot of… well, everyone, and read the paper and took naps at his desk (complete with snoring) and burped A FUCKING LOT, like to the point where I thought there might be something medically wrong, and asked me totally inappropriate questions like where do I shop for panties and stuff like that.

I call him the Creepy Dude.

(For the record, he actually DOES have a real name but it doesn’t fit his personality at all and I refuse to use it.  NO name fits except “The Creepy Dude” because that is EXACTLY what he is and it’s what I’ve called him from Day One and will continue to call him when I think of him, which hopefully will be never after I finish writing this.)

Anyway, THE CREEPY DUDE FINALLY RETIRED, Y’ALL. He really did.  They had a party and everything.  Well, it was actually a party for other people — Ratty Cardigan Scottish Old Guy and Oddly Quiet Bad Haircut Lady both retired this month, too — and the Creepy Dude had to piggyback onto their party because HEY! Big surprise! When you spend 15 years making sure everyone in the office knows how much you hate them and hate your job, it turns out nobody’s too excited about throwing you a big send-off bash of your own! Or really doing anything other than silently pray you’ll actually LEAVE and never, never, never come back!  Who knew?! Certainly not the Creepy Dude, who spent weeks making passive-aggressive comments about how nothing was being planned in his honor while everyone else just kept their fingers crossed behind their backs and said things like “Yeah, that really IS too bad” while secretly organizing a huge happy hour for the day AFTER his retirement to celebrate our new life without him.

So anyway, for the first time yesterday I got to walk into work without having to mentally prepare myself to not drive a stake through the Creepy Dude’s head.  It was lovely but also weird because I really did spend a lot of time hating that guy with the kind of passion that one can only describe as “ass-burning” and now I kind of don’t know what to do with myself.  There’s no one over there to throw imaginary hate-daggers at or stab voodoo dolls of or cry to the BFF about how “Seriously. I. Just. Hate. Him. Soooooo. Muuuuuuuuuch” and frankly, I’m a little bored. I keep looking around my cubicle for something to do — I mean besides WORK, obviously — but there’s nothing except my Encyclopedia of Useless Information and a mirror that just keeps reminding me that my bangs are NEVER going to outgrow this shitty in-between stage.

By the way, did you know gorillas never snore?  And the world record for the most bananas eaten in one minute is 81?  And the dot above the lowercase letter “I” is called a “tittle”?  And Nero’s second wife Poppaea kept five hundred asses to provide milk for her bath?  And not a single one of them was named Dr. Phil?

If I had a pet ass, I would TOTALLY name it Dr. Phil.

So now here I am, bored and alone without anyone or anything to hate except my bangs.  And Dr. Phil.  Ho-fucking-HUM.

I think maybe I need a new gig.

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11 Responses to “End of an Era”

  1. How sad. He sounds like a gross rendition of that movie i can’t remember, but he kept coming to work even though he didn’t work there, and had a huge problem when they took his stapler from him.
    Where’s his stapler?

  2. “If I had a pet ass, I would TOTALLY name it Dr. Phil.” HILARIOUS!

    I guess it’s better than petting your (own) ass while calling it Doctor Phil.

  3. You said “tittle”. I must be a 12yo boy, because that made me laugh. :)

  4. Papa is the movie you’re talking about Office Space?

    Since I switched from riding the buses to work to using the light rail and streetcar there seems less crazy people to moan and blog about during the commute. Maybe being stricter about checking tickets keeps the crazies off the trains. I miss the crazies, maybe I should use the bus now and again for blog post fodder.

  5. That was it, Mik: “Office Space.” Beej’s crazy dude should have been in that movie. When i can’t ride the trolley — buses are too slow — i go to the two-bit bars down on third in Chula Vista. There are a whole bunch of folks like the creepy dude: makes me feel like all is right with the world.

  6. Girl, I am SURROUNDED by burping and farting arsehats at work.

    I can send you a couple if you want. Cause those bastards are YEARS away from retirement.

  7. I confess that I’ve been a bit stunned by his retirement. Because in my head he was, like 38 or so. So my world has been turned on end.

    No really. WHAT NOW?

  8. Well, ya could “luck out” and get a Creepy Dude Part II who takes over The Original Creepy Dude’s (OCD) cube. That is what happened to me….I was so happy to finally see someone go and guess what? Someone worse took it over. So there is still hope for ya, Beej!

    How funny, Papa…that is EXACTLY who I too have always pictured Creepy Dude looking like!

  9. just wanted you to know i bloghopped here from Mik’s blogroll. Funny stuff here, have subscribed and will be reading~~

  10. I’m seriously going to miss your tweets about CD, especially while in the car and avoiding listening to Gaby’s DVD of Snow White for the ten millionth time.

  11. Nooooooooo!!!

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