Bejewell on September 14th, 2010

Hi. I haven’t written anything in a while.  Maybe you’ve noticed.  Probably you haven’t.  Whatever.  I guess I should be more concerned about that, or more apologetic for my absence, or more… well, something, but the truth is I’m in the middle of a big, ugly, funky FUNK right now and we’re probably ALL better off with me NOT writing anything while I’m trapped in the mud.  Unless you’re really into mood swings and passive-aggression and weird shit that makes no sense at all, it would do you no good to read anything from me at the moment.  And the fact that I just spent ten minutes contemplating whether it’s “passive-aggression” or “passion-aggression” only supports my point.

Honestly, I probably shouldn’t even be writing THIS but BlogHer is an asshole and tells me that I have to post something every two weeks or else they’ll stop paying me that exorbitant 35 bucks I get every THREE FUCKING MONTHS and hey! We wouldn’t want that to happen!  How would I pay my mortgage?  Feed my family?  I mean, REALLY!  Christmas is coming!

Did I mention I’m a sarcastic bitch lately?

So yeah, I’m kind of on a tear at the moment and this might be a good time to warn you not to fuck with me unless you want to get punched in the vagina.  Well okay, I probably won’t *actually* punch you in the vagina, but in my head I will imagine it and enjoy it very much.  In reality I’ll probably just shoot death rays at you with my eyes and make lots of wishes involving your immediate humiliation and possibly violent demise.  So take heed.

Also, I would like to apologize to anyone who’s seen my toes this week. I know they’re really janky and I have no business going anywhere in sandals or other toe-exposing footwear but September or not, it’s still a thousand degrees (with 250% humidity) here in the fiery armpit of hell we like to call “Texas” and my poor, janky little piggies need to BREATHE, y’all.  I’ve just been too lazy and cheap (still waiting on my 35 bucks, FUCKERS) to get them de-janked, plus there was that unfortunate incident of late that involved (A) an unsuspecting pedicurist, (ii) my tickle reflex and (3) a swift kick to the head, which has forced me to lie low for a while.

Lie low?  Lay low?  Fuck.

I’m tired.  Summer has been grand but it’s worn my shit CLEAN OUT and all I want to do right now is hide in a dark room with some mind-numbing TV and ice cream sandwiches.  But I CAN’T hide because I have a job that likes it when I show up and a kid who’s burning the energy of a thousand suns and a house that doesn’t clean itself (note: learned the hard way) and a husband who’d very much like to have his happy wife back and a life – a life that might not be perfect but it’s mine, and as shitty as I feel right now I’m also aware of what a bad idea it would be for me to totally fuck it up by being selfish and lazy and sad for no reason.

Hey, Depression?  Suck my dick.

Love,

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21 Responses to “Just Give Me My 35 Bucks and Go”

  1. Ohh Beej cheer up! I love reading your blog whether your being sarcastic or not. I think your funny as all hell. And my mom and I can relate to the house not cleaning itself especially with both of us working and my dad and 2 sisters not doing all that much to help. I actually Just finished cleaning the sink and rehanging the shower curtain… But really. You need bitch time and blogging, even if you’re just griping (I’ve done it. My junior year sucked and anyone who read my blog heard about it) its still something.

  2. But at least the creepy dude retired. That’s something, right?

  3. You’re ALIVE!! ;)

    I’ve missed your posts. Hope things get better soon. :)

  4. I ran into a woman the other day who felt the need to show off her new pedicure…I made mention that I had to let go of pedicures for the summer because, well, I’m poor….and I swear to fuckin’ all she looked at me like I shot her dog. Apparently I’m a very BAD girl.

  5. Oh, fuck your problems, Beej. Let’s talk about mine. It’s possible one of my son’s teachers could DRIVE ME INSANE. If I let her. But I’m not gonna, because damned if I’ll let someone like that fuck with my head.

    Also, I’m on my period and look like I’m 4 months pregnant. Even my fat jeans don’t fit. You’re skinny. I don’t like you right now.

  6. You get…paid? To blog. You suck (not that you aren’t my FAVORITE blog writer to visit, but sheesh). Wish I was a Blog Her…think they’d accept me if I had a sex change? Or do they allow dudes? I could get all emotional and talk about diapers or whatever Blogher wants. I could talk all about my period (which, by the way, I NEVER get…’cause I’m a guy[no cramps or anything, REALLY!]), I could make up all kinds of girl stuff. “She said this, he said that, and I hate them all…oooh, is that chocolate?” I could do so much with that thirty-five dollars! Beej! They are talking about putting in a strip club here! I could USE that $35.00!! And if they don’t put that in, then at least I can buy coffees at those “sexpresso” stands and get an eye full! I can’t believe that I am so dumb that I don’t get paid to do this stuff! It’s because I have a penis, isn’t it? I guess dicks DO make you dumb. Damn.

    Just know that we love your writing. Maybe not enough to pay for it, but, still, you are awesome! Cheer up! At least you don’t have a penis!

  7. Speaking of janky toes…I just accidentally kicked my cat in the face. He was licking my toes again. I kinda hate that. For all I know, that’s the universe’s way of telling me to get a pedicure…but alas, I too am still waiting on my pittance from BlogHer, so maybe I ought to just let the cat keep at it. Or not.

  8. been there; done that…er, not all of that, but a lot of stuff like that.

    prefer a book and George Dickel to tv and ice cream behind the closed door, but that’s pretty close.

    and dammit, i’m still doing some of that stuff you want to do or do do, although nothing like not having a pedicure although i am definitely not having a pedicure.

    at least it’s mid-70′s in San Diego like always…and i have this one of two wonderful daughters who writes hilariously and makes my day even when she is in a funk, and sometimes because of the way she writes when she is in a funk.

    and i am now laughing thinking about the head of a pedicurist which just got slammed by some janked toes.

  9. Hey Beej, I feel for ya being in a funk…was there for most of the year – went back on my meds (Parnate) and was in a major OCD episode for most of the year. Hang in there – I really enjoy reading this blog. Gab from Oz

  10. BTW How do I add a picture to this please?

  11. Punch me in the vagina? At least I’d be getting some action! ;0

    Sorry things sucks for you, but at least you have $35!

    I can’t remember the lay/lie thing to save my fucking life.

  12. I took down my ads today. So I guess my kids are gunna miss out on that fucking candy bar for Christmas.

    The world can suck my dick.

    Lets make this shizzle a meme or something.

  13. I was trying to find something cheering to say, but I’m kind of at a loss after Kelley’s “The world can suck my dick.”

    So, yeah, let’s go with that.

  14. This funk you speak of. I think it’s spreading. I’m tired of the funk and wish it would go away. At this point, if I told the funk to suck my dick, I don’t think I could even get it up.

  15. I love the sarcasm, honesty and all in between. I’m getting a post-summer downer, and I bloody well hope that you can be there for me to read. In an entirely selfish way.

  16. I think “tittle” is a fantastic word. In fact.. I’m going to show you a few tittles now.

    i i i i i i

    Thank you for learnin’ me.
    Oh.. and depression sucks… but it’s not as bad as those Cymbalta commercials. Can I get an Amen?

  17. Take Auds’ angle, go kick a cat in the face.

    Just so you know, I first spelled kick “cick” so that’s where I’m at.

    Now get your fist outta my nethers and go gorge on something good. Make this depression worthwhile at least.

    Hugs and crotch punches,
    Ann

  18. Beej:

    TOTALLY.

    I am right there behind you.

    Depressed. And janky. And vagina-punchy.

    So? Cheese-kabob. We’ll get through it.

    And in addition, I love you any way I can get you.

    So there’s that.

    Not that THAT is uplifting or anything.

  19. I know this has been up for a while, and you’re probably over your depression by now (hopefully), but I totes mcgotes farted in this really annoying girl’s face last night. Straight up. It was an accident, but it doesn’t make it any less satisfying.

  20. Well, well, look what I found. My classmate’s blog. Let the fun begin…

  21. Thanks for the article. great work!

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