So, this post is going to be about three things. All related in one way or another.
- What the fuck I’ve been doing
- Groupon’s Plan to Destroy My Life, one major discount at a time
- Pictures of me in my underwear
Feel free to skip unimportant sections at your leisure.
1. What the fuck I’ve been doing
Or, as I like to call it, “The Elephant in the Room.” So, Beej, what the fuck HAVE you been doing?
- Well. I HAVE NOT been blogging, that’s for sure. In fact, I really haven’t been writing at all, unless you count boring work stuff and a lot of lame shit on Facebook (which reminds me — FUCK YOU, all you people who didn’t comment on my list of random 15 iPod “shuffle songs” results. My list was BAD ASS and I totally commented on everyone else’s lists, even YOU, Dumbass Who
Apparently Listens to Nothing but Toby Keith. Fuck you ESPECIALLY) and snarky emails to the BFF about the schmos I work with and their total lack of appreciation for my adorable daily outfit selections.
- I HAVE been having a life. I’ve been to Disneyland and the grocery store and my 20-year high school reunion (which comes as a huge shock to you because you had NO IDEA I was that old – right? Right? FUCKINGRIGHT?!?!? Come ON, dudes, throw me a bone) and my great-grandparents’ house and I’ve had dinners and lunches and gone shopping with my friends and I’ve read actual books, with actual pages, and I’ve chased my son around the park and through department stores and I’ve lost my keys and searched for them all panicky-like and then found them hanging in the front door (again), and I’ve trick-or-treated with the cutest zookeeper you have EVER seen and I’ve been really depressed and then not so depressed and then happy and then really happy, and I’ve given time-outs and gotten hugs and kisses and slaps and kicks and I’ve accidentally brushed my teeth with hair gel (again) and I’ve been working full-time and done approximately 12,543,652 loads of laundry and I’ve cried because my kid has stopped calling me “Mommy.” All of that and more. Just, Life. And none of it has included this blog.
- I HAVE NOT been Twittering. I was all into it there for a while but then everyone started about Vajazzling themselves and I was out.
- I HAVE been fucking around a lot on Polyvore.com. Way, way more than I should. It’s my latest obsession. Because it’s like paper dolls but without the paper! Good for the environment! And — BONUS — I don’t have to leave my house anymore to sit in judgment of other people’s fashion sense! All I have to do is click around for a little while on Polyvore and — le voila! –
Somebody, somewhere, paid almost 500 bucks for those… um… huh. Shorts? Pants? Whatever the hell they are, someone paid $488 for them. Probably Victoria Beckham.
Polyvore. It’s comedy. It’s tragedy. It’s like Shakespeare’s As You Like It and Macbeth, all rolled into one.
- I HAVE NOT been figuring out how to align bulleted text or images in WordPress. Obviously.
- I HAVE been working hard to implement my latest decision to omit closing punctuation in short text bursts
You know, like Facebook status updates and text messages and comments and stuff
I like the ambiguity
I want to keep people guessing
Maybe I mean this in a nice way, maybe I don’t
You’ll never know
I could make this list much longer. I’ve actually been doing a lot of other stuff. But I don’t want to and one of the things I’ve been doing is trying not to do stuff I don’t want to do. So I’ll stop now and go on to the next point
2. Groupon’s Plan to Destroy My Life, one major discount at a time
Now when I say Groupon, I don’t mean just Groupon.com. I also mean LivingSocial.com and Localiter.com and BuyWithMe.com and aDealio.com and 365ThingstoDoInAustin.com and god-knows-what-else.com. Every email feels like an opportunity. An opportunity to add some new, amazing thing to my list of Shit I Don’t Need At All But It Was Like 75% Off The Regular Price So What The Fuck Was I Supposed to Do? list. It’s like a compulsion, I can’t stop myself. And because of this, my inbox is littered with order confirmations for trapeze lessons, eyelash extensions, hip-hop classes, laser hair removal, acupuncture treatments, gourmet cupcakes, a flying lesson, chicken and waffles, house cleaning, microdermabrasion and a zip line canopy tour.
I don’t even know what some of this stuff IS
But it was 50 to 75 percent off
Which all brings me to my last point
3. Pictures of me in my underwear
Boudoir! Photography! Deep, HUGE discount! Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!
Guess what I did?
I went right to my old boyfriend Dick and looked up “boudoir.”
And then I bought it.
I shopped for pretty underwear. I had my hair and makeup done. And then I posed for a bunch of pictures.
Pictures of me
In my underwear
I actually really LIKE the pictures of me in my underwear. But the thing is, I’m not exactly sure what to DO with the pictures of me in my underwear. I can’t put them on Facebook. I can’t bring them to work. I don’t want to frame them.
You HAVE to know what’s coming next. Right?
Stay tunedStumble it!