Bejewell on November 22nd, 2010

So, this post is going to be about three things.  All related in one way or another.

  1. What the fuck I’ve been doing
  2. Groupon’s Plan to Destroy My Life, one major discount at a time
  3. Pictures of me in my underwear

Feel free to skip unimportant sections at your leisure.

*****

1. What the fuck I’ve been doing

Or, as I like to call it, “The Elephant in the Room.”  So, Beej, what the fuck HAVE you been doing?

  • Well. I HAVE NOT been blogging, that’s for sure. In fact, I really haven’t been writing at all, unless you count boring work stuff and a lot of lame shit on Facebook (which reminds me — FUCK YOU, all you people who didn’t comment on my list of random 15 iPod “shuffle songs” results. My list was BAD ASS and I totally commented on everyone else’s lists, even YOU, Dumbass Who
    The Zookeeeper. And his awesome Nee Nee.

    Apparently Listens to Nothing but Toby Keith. Fuck you ESPECIALLY) and snarky emails to the BFF about the schmos I work with and their total lack of appreciation for my adorable daily outfit selections.

  • I HAVE been having a life.  I’ve been to Disneyland and the grocery store and my 20-year high school reunion (which comes as a huge shock to you because you had NO IDEA I was that old – right?  Right?  FUCKINGRIGHT?!?!?  Come ON, dudes, throw me a bone) and my great-grandparents’ house and I’ve had dinners and lunches and gone shopping with my friends and I’ve read actual books, with actual pages, and I’ve chased my son around the park and through department stores and I’ve lost my keys and searched for them all panicky-like and then found them hanging in the front door (again), and I’ve trick-or-treated with the cutest zookeeper you have EVER seen and I’ve been really depressed and then not so depressed and then happy and then really happy, and I’ve given time-outs and gotten hugs and kisses and slaps and kicks and I’ve accidentally brushed my teeth with hair gel (again) and I’ve been working full-time and done approximately 12,543,652 loads of laundry and I’ve cried because my kid has stopped calling me “Mommy.”  All of that and more. Just, Life.  And none of it has included this blog.
  • I HAVE NOT been Twittering. I was all into it there for a while but then everyone started about Vajazzling themselves and I was out.

    Yes. That really is what you think it is.

  • I HAVE been fucking around a lot on Polyvore.com.  Way, way more than I should.  It’s my latest obsession.  Because it’s like paper dolls but without the paper!  Good for the environment!  And — BONUS — I don’t have to leave my house anymore to sit in judgment of other people’s fashion sense!  All I have to do is click around for a little while on Polyvore and — le voila!


    Somebody, somewhere, paid almost 500 bucks for those… um… huh. Shorts? Pants? Whatever the hell they are, someone paid $488 for them.  Probably Victoria Beckham.
    Polyvore. It’s comedy. It’s tragedy.  It’s like Shakespeare’s As You Like It and Macbeth, all rolled into one.

  • I HAVE NOT been figuring out how to align bulleted text or images in WordPress.  Obviously.
  • I HAVE been working hard to implement my latest decision to omit closing punctuation in short text bursts
    You know, like Facebook status updates and text messages and comments and stuff
    I like the ambiguity
    I want to keep people guessing
    Maybe I mean this in a nice way, maybe I don’t
    You’ll never know

I could make this list much longer.  I’ve actually been doing a lot of other stuff.  But I don’t want to and one of the things I’ve been doing is trying not to do stuff I don’t want to do.  So I’ll stop now and go on to the next point

*****

2. Groupon’s Plan to Destroy My Life, one major discount at a time

Now when I say Groupon, I don’t mean just Groupon.com. I also mean LivingSocial.com and Localiter.com and BuyWithMe.com and aDealio.com and 365ThingstoDoInAustin.com and god-knows-what-else.com.  Every email feels like an opportunity.  An opportunity to add some new, amazing thing to my list of Shit I Don’t Need At All But It Was Like 75% Off The Regular Price So What The Fuck Was I Supposed to Do? list.  It’s like a compulsion, I can’t stop myself.  And because of this, my inbox is littered with order confirmations for trapeze lessons, eyelash extensions, hip-hop classes, laser hair removal, acupuncture treatments, gourmet cupcakes, a flying lesson, chicken and waffles, house cleaning, microdermabrasion and a zip line canopy tour.

I don’t even know what some of this stuff IS

But it was 50 to 75 percent off

Which all brings me to my last point

*****

3. Pictures of me in my underwear

Boudoir!  Photography! Deep, HUGE discount!  Buy me!  Buy me! Buy me!

Guess what I did?

I went right to my old boyfriend Dick and looked up “boudoir.”

And then I bought it.

I shopped for pretty underwear.  I had my hair and makeup done.  And then I posed for a bunch of pictures.

Pictures of me

In my underwear

I actually really LIKE the pictures of me in my underwear.  But the thing is, I’m not exactly sure what to DO with the pictures of me in my underwear.  I can’t put them on Facebook.  I can’t bring them to work.  I don’t want to frame them.

So.

You HAVE to know what’s coming next.  Right?

Stay tuned

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14 Responses to “Three Things”

  1. I might be slightly afraid….

  2. I might be slightly giddy…

  3. In case you needed a few more daily sites to check out, here ya go because you obviously don’t have enough…

    dealon.com
    plumdistrict.com
    thelunchdeal.com
    deals.mamapedia.com
    tippr.com
    goldstar.com
    morgansdeals.com
    eversave.com

    And there’s a few others that are coming soon to Austin…

    townhog.com
    localtwist.com
    couptessa.com

    You’d think that I too have let Groupon, etc destroy my life…

  4. I am beside myself with……well I’m just kind of beside myself and we’re both looking at each other going ‘now she’s finally lost it but I really want to stick around and see pictures of her in her underwear..howbout you? And I reply: K’in A!!!!!!!!’

  5. You’re finally back!!!!! Yay!!!!!

  6. I need eye bleach for that bedazzled picture. Yee gods.

    And obviously you need to blow up one of the boudoir pictures to poster size and hang it over your mantle just so you can make everyone who visits your house screamingly uncomfortable.

  7. I think the bedazzled bits made my morning! Just thought I’d drop a comment to say hi, came by, sat a awhile, listened. Yeah, life does that to a girl. Keep writing it down. Or not. Post pics of yourself in your underwear. Or not. Punctuating. Or not. Whichever, just keep reaching for the now, it beats the funk. (& what is WITH the people who tag & run on those lists?? Rude.)

  8. Why would anyone do that to their vag? I just don’t get it.

    No, I had no idea that you were that old, but then again, I’m only 2 years away from mine…yikes!

    I’d like to see your list…I’d totally comment on it (if you didn’t include Toby Keith).

  9. I couldn’t get past the Vajazzling. There are no words. None. Welcome back.

  10. My excuses for not doing your iPod thing are as follows:
    my battery is dead
    I don’t know where mine is
    it still has the same songs on it the last time someone did one of these questionaires

    and because I’ve already dealt with the vag thing- WTF is up with those pants????

  11. TEASE!

  12. Todays Groupon? photography lessons! cha-ching. Impulsively bought at 9 am. since I haven’t been able to find info on the September-depression-diet you speak of, I think I’ll stay behind the lens. And…hey! I had lots of comments about your playlist and they were all very interesting. but, I just assumed you heard them from inside my head. I did download one of the songs that both you and another friend had in common.

  13. Um yeah thanks for the Groupon thing. Seriously, if I didn’t already hate you for those amazing boudoir shots, I’m totally hatin’ on ya for helping get me sucked into groupon. But not really. Hating you I mean.

    Seriously…I am so glad you’ve pulled a Lazarus and are back out here again. I was seriously going batshit crazy reading so much crap about mommybloggers hating other mommybloggers for the money they make.

    And the vaggazling? WHAT THE FUCK??? That totally has me scratching my head and wondering, WHY???

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