Bejewell on November 24th, 2010

So I’m pretty sure the first thing you thought when you woke up this morning was, “Gee, I sure wish there was a way I could see some photos of Beej in her underwear sometime before lunch. That would really make my day complete.”

Well, lucky for you, I’m here to make that happen! Because I’m super cool like that! (And also because I have a lot of photos of me in my underwear, and no idea what to do with them.)

Anyway the point is, Groupon is trying to kill me.* I know that seems like it shouldn’t be the point, but it totally is.  Because one day one of Groupon’s flunkies sent me an email that said, “Hey. Dumbass. Buy a session of boudoir photography for half off.” and I was all, “Half off?!? DONE!” and I bought it and then realized I had no idea what “boudoir photography” actually was. So I asked my boyfriend Dick and he was all “Hell if I know. Are you sure you don’t mean radiophotography?” and I was all “Did I stutter, Dick?” and he was all “Then I got nothin’. Bitch.”

Later that afternoon I was telling my co-worker Always-Sick-But-Never-Calls-In-Sick-So-She-Gets-Everyone-Else-Sick Lady about what a great deal I got on this thing that I have no idea what it is, and between sniffles and gross, phlegm-fueled coughs she explained that “boudoir photography” basically involves posing for pictures naked or just in your underwear. And I was all “Oh. OH. Shit.”

And later that night I accidentally** caught a glimpse of my upper thighs in the mirror and thought, “Pictures in my underwear? Was I fucking HIGH?” so I just let the confirmation languish in my inbox along with the other 11,000 emails I don’t know what to do with. For like, 3 months. But then I dropped about 10 pounds on the “Totally Depressed for the Entire Month of September Diet” and suddenly my skinny jeans were too big and THEN I got ANOTHER Groupon for a Brazilian wax — and if that’s not the universe screaming “Time to pose for pictures in your panties!” I don’t know what is.

So I called up Julia from Vivian’s Muse and said, “Hey, let’s go ahead and do this now, and I mean RIGHT NOW, because I’m finally coming out of this depression and my appetite’s coming back along with a raging sweet tooth and all I’ve eaten today is buttered popcorn Jelly Bellies and a pie so seriously, we’d better hurry” and she was all, “BRING IT” so I went and had my makeup done and stripped down to my skivvies and did a lot of rolling around on her bed and shaking my hair out and trying not to think about that Today Show segment on bed bugs. And I wasn’t smiling because I hate my teeth, but Julia was all, “WTF? Why aren’t you smiling?” and I was embarrassed about my crooked teeth so I just said “I thought you would want my sexy bedroom face” and she was all, “Um… no” so I forced myself to smile for a while but inside I just kept calculating how far along in my orthodontic treatment I’d be by now if I’d just gone ahead and gotten those braces when I wanted to this time last year.***

Anyway, Julia just sent me the proofs from the session and it turns out, massive overbite or not, I look AMAZING. Really.  This girl is an artist. She even managed to make my ass look good, and that is saying something, people.***  I just lovelovelovelove them, and I’m SOOO glad the universe told me to do the session when I did, because I haven’t been to the gym once since then and last night for dinner I ate four packages of Hostess Cupcakes.

What I’m trying to say is, {shameless plug} Julia from Vivian’s Muse, who will give you 10% off a session if you tell her you found her through my blog {end shameless plug} is pure awesome.

BUT. (No pun intended.)

Now I have a bunch of amazing pictures of me. In my underwear. And short of me admiring my own ass for hours on end, I’m not really sure what to do with them. Everyone keeps assuming I had them done as a Christmas gift for the husband, which I find hilarious because honestly, I can’t imagine anything the husband would want LESS than a set of pictures of me in my underwear.  He sees me in my underwear every day. I’m pretty sure he’d rather have a new flat screen.

So, that’s out.

And it just seems skeevy to frame them and put them up in the house, because (1) I really doubt the kiddo wants to be surrounded by photos of his mom in her underwear – no matter HOW tasteful they might be, that’s just icky and (B) as I continue to consume my weight in delicious Hostess treats I’m afraid I’ll start to resent Fabulous Ass Me and (iii) have you ever been over to someone’s house and they had big silk-screened prints of themselves, like Andy Warhol’s Shot Marilyns, and you thought “Wow. You’re a total douche”? Yeah. Me too.

So what do I do with them? Well, I post them on the Internet. Obviously.

Because that’s not douch-ey at all.

So, without further ado****… here they are.*****  Thanks, Groupon & Friends.

And Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!

Love,

.

.

* by luring me into their ridiculously low-priced trap, where they will later kill me.  (Not totally clear yet on the HOW of that, but whatever method they choose it will certainly be at least 50-75% off.)

**Because I NEVER look at my upper thighs on purpose. In fact, in the history of my upper thighs, they have only been glimpsed on purpose ONCE – and that was for medical reasons.

*** Halfway, if you were wondering. I would be half of the way to a beautiful smile. I’m such a dick.

****Smoke and mirrors

*****Sorry for all the ado.

******I would now like to direct both of my parents to the disclaimer at the top of this page.  Consider yourselves warned.

.

PICTURES OF ME IN MY UNDERWEAR

Here I am holding onto the bed frame. In case there’s an earthquake. Obviously.

Here I am wondering how long I’ll have to wait for the next season of Leverage.


Checking for bed bugs:

Jumping on the bed. Just like I always do at home.

Getting air, because I am Just. That. Good.

Post-jump. With rad hair.

Totally exhausted from all that jumping

“What do u want for dinner tonight?” “Dunno. u?” “Dunno. hey don’t 4get to pick up milk and dog food at the store.” “ok”

“You know, I really just don’t have enough pictures of my legs.”

Here’s half of me.

Great. Now I’m sleepy. And high-contrast.

Dad, you should really find another page now. My post about the lollipop was good, why don’t you go read that again?

Really, Dad. Please don’t be here anymore.

The end.

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20 Responses to “Me and My Underwear”

  1. Those are very nice. I didn’t even notice if you were showing your teeth…were you?? :-)

  2. Holy crap Beej, I wish my thighs and ass looked that good! And the post about how the pictures came to be cracked me up, you rock =)

  3. You look freakin’ awesome! I’m going to look into this depression-September-diet thing you speak of

  4. Beej… you are HAWT!! Like SMOKIN!!

  5. It’s going to sound creepy when I say this, but maybe it won’t, I don’t know, but I don’t think I noticed if you had teeth showing in those photos or not. Were your teeth showing? If so, lady, you have magnificent teeth! You also have some magnificent photos. Totally hot!

    (also? I’m totally jealous, because let’s say it was me and *I* was jumping on the bed? Yeah, I’d probably get tangled up in the sheets, fall down in some comic display, and break a leg. I should think of doing that, though, because I hear casts can really compress your skin and muscles and make your legs look skinny, and with all these holiday meals on the horizon, I need all the help I can get)

  6. DAT. ASS.

    get it gurrrrrrl.

  7. OK so first MASSIVE bum envy. Secondly if I was you and had those legs and had PICTURES I would not have been able to restrain myself from posting them all over Facebook like “take that haters!”… so I commend you.

  8. You look awesome. What a fun thing to have done.

  9. I do not have words to describe your ass but if Big Bean does not want a photo of it in his wallet….there’s something wrong with him.

  10. Hi! loved your post! Found it because I obsess with boudoir (and got my google alert)

    Everybody should have some boudoir pictures done and not for the boyfriend or the wall but for themselves.

    Great ass!

  11. Damn girl, you got it goin’ on. ;)

    P.S. I am totally jealous of your butt.

  12. Your ass left me speechless.

  13. #1–I always always make fun of boudoir photos because every single one I’ve seen is just UGLY and totally cheesy.

    #2–Your photos are neither ugly nor cheesy.

    #3–SO I CAN’T THINK OF ONE DAMN THING TO MAKE FUN OF!! Except I could totally make fun of my own ass….because it looks NOTHING like yours. I hate you. Also? I’m a jealous bitch.

    #4–Did that other commenter up there really say they have a google alert set up for “boudoir photos”?

    #5–Am I even spelling boudoir right? I’m too lazy to scroll up.

    #6–Lazy–yes, that probably explains why my ass looks the way it does. DAMNIT. YOU WOULD POST THIS RIGHT AFTER THANKSGIVING, WOULDN’T YOU?!?!

  14. I’m completely and totally without the ability to leave a lucid comment because, WTF…look at that air you caught while jumping on the bed!

  15. Two things…

    1. I thought you were joking on Twitter when you sent out those pics of you in your underwear. I didn’t look at them all that close because I never thought in a million years that they were really you. (not that I know you well, or at all, but still…)

    2. I thought you had brown hair, so even if I did look at them closely when you put them on Twitter, I wouldn’t have thought it was you anyway.

    So, question is, did you color your hair? It looks good.

    And you’re right, you do have a fabulous ass!

  16. Take the photos down??? WTF? If I had a photo of my ass looking that good, I’d proposition a billboard and paste it up for all the world to see. (And by proposition, I mean hire, well rather that I’d pay for someone to put my ass photo up on it. I don’t mean doing anything untoward with said billboard.)

  17. JesusHellz Woman! UR FKNG HAWT!

    :: decides to go anorexic so as to not look like giant marshmallow next to you in March ::

    :: Decides I like food to much to actually follow through with that ::

    :: Thinks about bulimia. ::

    :: Decides I like my teeth too much for that ::

    :: Decides to be giant marshmallow next to you anyway ::

    Lovely ass, dear.

  18. Yup. Your ass is fabulous. Am jealous. The End.

  19. I like your underwear. The End

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