“Where did all the lotion go?”
asked the lady of the fly.
“It’s morning, and I need it so!
My skin’s so very dry!”
“I use my lotion every day
but lately seem to find,
no matter what I do that bottle’s
empty all the time!”
“Could it be a lotion gnome,
who’s sneaking in at night?
Or maybe a sad leprechaun
with skin that’s dry and tight?”
“Maybe it’s a team of thieves
who planned the perfect heist!
Or someone with a grudge!” she said,
“Or a poltergeist!”
“Who took all my lotion?!!?”
the lady cried, out loud,
“I’m flaky and I’m itchy
and I’ll get revenge!!” she vowed.
“I’ll bet it was my husband,
playing some cruel trick!
What a jerk!!” the lady yelled.
“He’s such a fucking DICK!”
“Fly, I see you on that wall.
Fess up. Was it my spouse?
I need to know, because if so,
I’ll eject him from this house.”
“Now, now, lady,” said the fly.
“Calm down and take a seat.
There’s no need to send your poor
man out onto the street.”
The fly continued, with a sigh,
“I think that you should try
remembering that, when it’s cold,
YOUR skin is extra dry.”
“In the winter, human skin
gets scaly to the touch.
That requires that moisturizer
be used twice as much.”
“So maybe you should take a break
from all this grand emotion.
And instead go to the store
and BUY MORE FUCKING LOTION.”
Stumble it!
Tags: my hands are going to flake off of my body, this is why I don't buy the expensive stuff, too much time on my extra dry hands
December 2nd, 2010 at 12:57 pm
i didn’t think you were blood kin to Grandma Mo…and you claim you are not a poet. Hah!
December 2nd, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Perfect rhyme, perfect meter, socially relevant, hits home — you are my new favorite poet. Also? I think I might love you. Even though you have flies in your house.
December 2nd, 2010 at 2:00 pm
You’re a poetic genius!
December 2nd, 2010 at 2:27 pm
MY husband? Steals lotion to put in his car in case he needs it. WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US JACKASS?! We’re dry too!
December 2nd, 2010 at 3:18 pm
When you find the lotion, send some to me. I’m all out, too, and can’t be bothered to go to the store.
PS- I believe this is the first time I’ve read a poem containing the declaration “fucking DICK!” Congratulations. And thanks.
December 2nd, 2010 at 3:24 pm
I made it to the part where you call him a “fucking dick” without laughing…pretty proud of that!
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:56 pm
Between all the talk of lotion and your last post, you are going to get a whole new following!
December 7th, 2010 at 10:56 pm
Loved the poem. I’m almost out of lotion.
December 8th, 2010 at 12:00 am
I hate being sent out for lotion. Or eggs. Or those little bag clamps to hold the Cheetos closed. But awesome poem.