Yesterday morning when I woke up it was 17 degrees outside, and the reason I know this is because I opened Facebook and there were about 10 different pictures of temperature gauges and iPhone weather report thingies informing me that it was 17 degrees outside. Mostly with comments expressing disbelief over the “extreme cold” even though the weather dudes had been predicting the DEATH STORM OF ’11 for like three weeks.
Anyway, I thought it was funny because 17 degrees probably seems like the goddamn tropics to some poor schmo holed up in his house in the rural northeast, where it’s negative one thousand degrees right now. THAT guy’s buried up to his balls in snow and wearing like four pairs of long underwear and his ex-wife’s Snuggie just to stay alive, and he’d probably give his frozen left nut to be in 17 degree weather. In fact, I bet he only logged on to Facebook to see if anyone had posted any local weather news, because he’s been trapped in his house for four days now and he ran out of toilet paper last night and this morning he ate his last NightHawk dinner and his stomach’s growling a little and he’s started avoiding eye contact with his ex-wife’s Shih Tzu (he’s dogsitting while the ex vacations in Cabo with her new, rich boyfriend named Chip), because he might have to eat it later.
So this poor, cold, hungry, pathetic dude logs on to Facebook to find out if he’s going to have to eat this weird, hairy dog but instead of finding weather news about HIS town, he finds a bunch of pictures of Austin thermostats and iPhone reports, with comments like “OMG IT’S COLDER THAN A WITCH’S TIT!” and “WOW! They said it might SNOW!!” and right now, he probably thinks we’re the biggest assholes EVER.
And that makes me sad for him but it also makes me laugh because really, we ARE assholes. And Shih Tzus are probably delicious, once you skin them.
So anyway I said something on Facebook about how everyone in Austin seems desperate to record how not-really-that-cold it is, with the follow-up “haaahahahahaa I’m so cute and snarky” not actually typed out but clearly implied. And then I sat back and waited for all the comments to pour in, telling me how awesome and clever I am. But about ten minutes later I only had ONE comment and it was from this lady who totally didn’t think I was cute at all. She was just pissed as hell. “Excuse ME, but we’re NOT desperate and there are LOTS of people who care to know that it’s 17 degrees here, like my sister who lives in ROME, and you’re just fucking JEALOUS because YOU don’t know anyone who lives in Rome and also, you’re sad because YOU don’t have a temperature gauge to take a picture of and post on Facebook. You’re stupid!! I HATE your ass-face and I hope you DIE!!”
Okay, she said it a *little* nicer than that, but not much.
And maybe she was right, maybe I AM a stupid bitch (okay, yeah, I definitely am), but I still think it was lame for her to call me out on Facebook like that, especially when I’ve said SO MANY MORE OBNOXIOUS THINGS. She’s pissed about this, but stayed silent when I compared last year’s summer heat to the hot balls of Jesus? Really? HELLO?
And THEN my smartass sister chimed in with something like “OOOOOOOOHH BUUUUUURRRRRRNNNN” and I couldn’t even tell her to suck it or really defend myself at all because this lady is the mom of a good friend of mine and she’s bigger than me and would probably kick my ass good if I tried to take her in a fight.
So basically I just did the Facebook equivalent of cowering in a corner and now my tail* is firmly wedged between my milky white thighs** and that poor guy in the DEATH STORM of ’11 has probably eaten his ex-wife’s dog by now and I’m not really sure what else to say about all of this except Somebody put another log on the fire! My tits are freezing off!!
What I’m trying to say is: Stay warm, friends — wherever you are. May Jesus’ hot balls make an appearance under your covers tonight.
*Just an expression. I don’t actually have a tail. As far as you know.
**Also just an expression. My thighs are super white but not milky at all.Stumble it!