Originally published February 3, 2011. Republishing today because… I don’t know. It’s fucking cold, okay, and we all need to lighten up. Nothing funnier than witch’s tits and roasted Shih Tzus, I always say. Stay warm, y’all.

—–

Yesterday when I woke up it was 17 degrees outside, and the reason I know this is because I opened Facebook and there were about 20 different pictures of temperature gauges and iPhone weather report thingies informing me that it was 17 degrees outside. Mostly with comments expressing disbelief over the “extreme cold” even though the weather dudes had been predicting the DEATH STORM OF ’11 for like three weeks.


Cold weather really fucks with us here in the south.

Anyway, I thought it was funny because 17 degrees probably seems like the goddamn tropics to some poor schmo holed up in his house in the rural northeast, where it’s negative one million degrees right now. THAT guy’s buried up to his balls in snow and wearing like four pairs of long underwear and his ex-wife’s leopard-print Snuggie just to stay alive, and he’d probably give his frozen left nut for 17 degrees. He probably only logged on to Facebook to look for news on when his roads will be clear, because he’s been trapped in his house for four days now and he ran out of toilet paper last night and this morning he ate his last NightHawk dinner and his stomach’s growling a little and he’s started avoiding eye contact with his ex-wife’s Shih Tzu because he might have to eat it later.

So this poor, cold, hungry, pathetic dude logs on to Facebook to find out if he’s ever going to be able to leave his house again, or if he’ll have to eat this weird, hairy dog – but instead of finding important information about whether emergency vehicles are running or how he can dig his way out of six feet of ice, he gets a bunch of pictures of Austin thermostats at 17 degrees with comments like “OMG IT’S COLDER THAN A WITCH’S TIT!” and “WOW! They said it might SNOW!!” and pictures of a windshields that are a little frosty and right now, he probably thinks we’re the biggest assholes EVER.

And that makes me sad for him but it also makes me laugh because really, we ARE assholes. And it makes me wonder what Shih Tzus taste like after you skin them. Probably too chewy.

Anyway, I said something on Facebook about how everyone in Austin seems desperate to record how not-really-that-cold it is, with the follow-up “haaahahahahaa I’m so adorable, just joshing you guys” not actually typed out but clearly implied. And then I sat back and waited for all the comments to pour in, telling me how awesome and clever I am. But about ten minutes later I only had ONE comment and it was from this lady who totally didn’t think I was cute at all. “Excuse ME, but we’re NOT desperate and there are LOTS of people who care to know that it’s 17 degrees here, like my friend who lives in FRANCE, and you’re just fucking JEALOUS because YOU don’t know anyone who lives in FRANCE. You’re stupid!! I hope you DIE!!”

Okay, she said it a *little* nicer than that, but not much.

And maybe she was right, maybe I AM a stupid bitch (okay, yeah, I definitely am), but I still think it was lame for her to call me out on Facebook like that, especially when I’ve said SO MANY MORE obnoxious things. She’s pissed about this, but stayed silent when I compared last year’s sticky summer heat to the hot, sweaty balls of Jesus? Really? HELLO?

And THEN my smartass sister chimed in with something like “OOOOOOOOHH BUUUUUURRRRRRNNNN” and I couldn’t even tell her to suck it or really defend myself at all because this lady is the mom of a friend of mine and also much bigger than me and I’m certain she could (and would) take me in a fight.

So basically I just did the Facebook equivalent of cowering in a corner and now my tail* is firmly wedged between my milky white thighs** and that poor guy in the DEATH STORM of ’11 has probably eaten his ex-wife’s dog by now and I’m not really sure what else to say about all of this except Somebody put another log on the fire! My tits are freezing off!!

What I’m trying to say is: Stay warm, friends — wherever you are. May Jesus’ hot balls make an appearance under your covers tonight.

Love,

*Just an expression. I don’t actually have a tail. As far as you know.

**Also just an expression. My thighs are super white but not milky at all.

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19 Responses to “Old Post Re-Tread: I’m Not Actually Sure HOW Cold A Witch’s Tit Gets”

  1. Maybe your best ever. i put another log on the fire (low of 48 in Bonita tonight)and wondered if a Shih Tzu tastes like chicken.

  2. Have you ever noticed when we have inclement weather in Austin, the channel 4 weatherman is SO popping a chub?

  3. You handled that buuuuurrrrnnn about as good as you could….well, short of deleting that lady and then photoshopping her head into some obscene photos with farm animals….or Shi Tzus if that’s your thing.

    I had similar “you clearly need a sense of humor bitch slapped into you” responses around the last election when I told people to stop being lazy Americans and use the complete word “proposition” instead of “prop”. I mean seriously…I’m the laziest American there is, in fact I’ll throw trash on the floor of a Hotel room JUST because I know someone is paid to clean it up. But there are just some people who take Facebook way too seriously and I figure it’s our job to sweep their legs and send them back to the locker room.

    If Facebook ever lifts the 420 character limit I’m going to add a disclaimer that says “Warning, if you do not have a sense of humor STOP here and delete me as a friend….and then go die”. This is justified because EVERYTHING I post is funny.

  4. Huh, I thought it was specifically a witch’s LEFT tit…but maybe my dad got creative. Do you think Shih Tzu’s are ingredients in any potions? And what if Disney’s Shaggy Dog movie turned the guy into a Shih Tzu instead of a sheep dog? What a can of worms that would open. I wonder if worms are used in potions. All I’ve ever heard used were puppy dog tails, newt eyes, and bat wings…. I really need to get out more.

    Cover up and keep your…well, stay warm.

  5. As the official spokesperson for the Cold Ass State of Maine (that’s our real name, it’s just the federal government thinks it’s too long so we have to use the shorter version for legal reasons), I’ll give it to the Austin folk: 17 is cold. In fact, just this morning I noticed that our temperature gauge read 20 and I was all, “SWEET! It’s warming up!”*

    I, however, am really sick of listening to people complain about the damn snow on Facebook. The next person who comments about it is going to find me in their driveway shoving them headfirst into a seven-foot snowbank. Yeah, it sucks, we know. It’ll melt eventually. Move on!

    * Please note that this doesn’t mean I am agreeing with the self-righteous, gauge-posting Facebook lady. She is still very much in the wrong. I mean, obviously.

  6. Hahahah… controversy is good. I did a post last week called Butt F@*k nowhere that TOTALLY pissed one of my friends off, he said I insulted all the people that lived there that were his friends…chill dude, I had a freaking disclaimer and don’t you think they KNOW that they live in Butt F#*k nowhere? Gah.

    When it snows here everyone goes nuts, we don’t get much, but when we do it is like the world ends, even if it is only 3 inches. Mind you it is always wet, nasty and slippery as hell…god, I am ready for spring.

    Keep on postin’ you always make me smile :)

  7. That lady was probably just pissed because her ex-husband ate her Shih Tzu when it was really cold out and now she’s just angry when it’s cold. That can happen. It’s called Being Mad At The World Because My Life Sucks And Now I Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor.

  8. I have a friend who lives in Minnesota* and although I don’t think she has a Shih Tzu, I will check with her husband on the approximate temperature of her left tit for you. If that would help.
    *very bloody cold….next door to the hungry guy with the frozen left nut

  9. I had to wear sheepskin boots today because my toes were freezing, but I can’t complain at all because I’m in So Cal. How much of a wuss would I look like bitching about it being in the low 60′s?

  10. OK, so I just read the actual comment. WTF Chuck? She is awfully cranky. If I could, I’d leave an anonymous comment back to her and start a fight on your Facebook page. :D

  11. You know I have to go and read the original comment, right? I’ll be back.

    I used to say “colder than a witch’s tit” but now with 3 young sons, we say, “colder than a with’s refrigerator.”

    They like that one.

  12. and that would be witch’s refrigerator.

    Thank you. Off to form an opinion on FB now.

  13. At least you didn’t delete the FB thing, right? You left it up there as an everlasting momento of getting burned…of course. I hate when my sister points out shitty things on FB.

    I wish I knew someone in Rome!

  14. Up here in MI, 17 sounds respectably cold, so I’m perfectly willing to grant that it’s super crazy cold in Austin. ALSO, I think that woman is more than a little out of line with her snark. ALSO ALSO, it’s all relative. 17 sounds like a warming trend when it’s been 3, and sounds darn cold when it’s been 32. Right now, it’s snowing hard, and 17 sounds just like Saturday. Still, you have my sympathy. I bet you don’t even have wool coats down there, do you?

  15. I heard it’s a witch’s tit in a brass bra. The imagery has always grossed me out a little. I live in a Southern state, too, and when we have snow the entire state shuts down. Everyone goes out and sleds with garbage, laundry baskets, and cardboard. You would think ecstasy had fallen from the sky—along with the moron juice that makes people think they can drive on ice.

  16. Hey,I’m a witch…and I happen to have not one but TWO tits! Erm…I hate to disappoint, but they don’t get very cold. I’ve never put ‘em in a brass (or any) bra, so maybe that would make a difference…but I’m not going to experiment, because a brass bra sounds uncomfortable.

    I found you via some kind of Facebook link/wormhole thing…and now I have another blog to follow…Aww, Hell…

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  17. Damn you, laughter-induced asthma-attack-giver!!!

  18. Finally read it again, and it remains funny except that part about your body parts, which is not something dads want to hear or know about.

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