Holiday Sweater Lady – Mid 50s. Married with 4 grown children. Copes with Empty Nest Syndrome by gleefully and obnoxiously organizing all office social eventsSweater for every occasion.

Cranky Old Scottish Man – Late 60s. Lifelong bachelor. Often wears ratty cardigan and glasses on tip of nose. Discusses retirement daily.

The Stickler – Early 60s. Short. White hair. Never met a rule she didn’t love. All co-workers expected to comply.

Creepy Pornstache Guy – Late 50s but the “Jew Fro” somehow makes him look younger. The only person in the office who can fix the 1970s-era Xerox copier.

The Barbaras – Three nondescript women of similar size, hairstyle and general demeanor. Easily confused for one another.

The Ph.D.ouche – Late 30s. Couldn’t hack it in Academia. Condescending. Complains bitterly if the “Ph.D.” distinction is left off of his name on any correspondence and/or documentation.

Lady Who Never Never Smiles, Regardless of the Circumstance – Late 30s. Mannish. Served several years in the military. Humorless.

Suspiciously Effeminate Family Man – Early 40s. Small. Very clean. Idolizes Sarah Palin and Jesus. Completely baffled by the frequency at which others assume he is gay.

Territorial IT Guy – Understands less about computers than anyone else in the building. Uncooperative. Dirty shirt.

Abnormally Small, White-Haired Dude – Late 50s. Quiet. Smirky. Often found in parking lot, smoking a pipe.

So-Smart-No-One-Understands-What-She’s-Saying Lady – Early 30s. Dangly earrings. Likes to use big words and talk a lot. Best avoided.

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12 Responses to “State Government, Department of Melancholy: Current Cast of Characters”

  1. This cast of characters could be a duplicate for my entire set of teachers I had during my Junior year in high school. Scary. Very scary.

  2. And, I might add, it sounds suspiciously similar to the cast I characters in most of the offices I have worked while temping. Cranky old Scottish man whined the night they pre-empted “Doogie Houser” for Gulf War coverage.
    Audrey: What IS it with junior high teachers? Our JH was a detention center for all the f**ck-ups of the school district.

  3. The lady described as being “mannish” made me laugh.

  4. SO glad that I’m not in state government anymore.

  5. Even if the Territorial IT guy wears dirty shirts, remember the first law of office life: MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE IT GUY. You never know when you might need someone to retrieve a disastrous email you sent by mistake…Remember? BWAHAHA!

  6. We had a red-haired lawyer who picked his boogs while peeing and wiped them on the wall next to the urinal. Why do I know this? He was the only one who didn’t think it was hilarious when the maintenance guy complained about having to clean them up.

  7. Wait…which one is you?

  8. Reminds me of out Post Office in town.

    Perfect descriptions.

  9. On with the show.

  10. This is awesome. It’s like visiting the DMV but without the pain. Thanks for the giggles!

  11. So when are you going to start writing my business leadership columns for me. This fits in perfectly.

  12. Holy shit I KNOW these people!!!

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