Holiday Sweater Lady – Mid 50s. Married with 4 grown children. Copes with Empty Nest Syndrome by gleefully and obnoxiously organizing all office social events. Sweater for every occasion.
Cranky Old Scottish Man – Late 60s. Lifelong bachelor. Often wears ratty cardigan and glasses on tip of nose. Discusses retirement daily.
The Stickler – Early 60s. Short. White hair. Never met a rule she didn’t love. All co-workers expected to comply.
Creepy Pornstache Guy – Late 50s but the “Jew Fro” somehow makes him look younger. The only person in the office who can fix the 1970s-era Xerox copier.
The Barbaras – Three nondescript women of similar size, hairstyle and general demeanor. Easily confused for one another.
The Ph.D.ouche – Late 30s. Couldn’t hack it in Academia. Condescending. Complains bitterly if the “Ph.D.” distinction is left off of his name on any correspondence and/or documentation.
Lady Who Never Never Smiles, Regardless of the Circumstance – Late 30s. Mannish. Served several years in the military. Humorless.
Suspiciously Effeminate Family Man – Early 40s. Small. Very clean. Idolizes Sarah Palin and Jesus. Completely baffled by the frequency at which others assume he is gay.
Territorial IT Guy – Understands less about computers than anyone else in the building. Uncooperative. Dirty shirt.
Abnormally Small, White-Haired Dude – Late 50s. Quiet. Smirky. Often found in parking lot, smoking a pipe.
So-Smart-No-One-Understands-What-She’s-Saying Lady – Early 30s. Dangly earrings. Likes to use big words and talk a lot. Best avoided.
Stumble it!
February 10th, 2011 at 11:04 am
This cast of characters could be a duplicate for my entire set of teachers I had during my Junior year in high school. Scary. Very scary.
February 10th, 2011 at 11:09 am
And, I might add, it sounds suspiciously similar to the cast I characters in most of the offices I have worked while temping. Cranky old Scottish man whined the night they pre-empted “Doogie Houser” for Gulf War coverage.
Audrey: What IS it with junior high teachers? Our JH was a detention center for all the f**ck-ups of the school district.
February 10th, 2011 at 11:12 am
The lady described as being “mannish” made me laugh.
February 10th, 2011 at 11:43 am
SO glad that I’m not in state government anymore.
February 10th, 2011 at 12:59 pm
Even if the Territorial IT guy wears dirty shirts, remember the first law of office life: MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE IT GUY. You never know when you might need someone to retrieve a disastrous email you sent by mistake…Remember? BWAHAHA!
February 10th, 2011 at 1:34 pm
We had a red-haired lawyer who picked his boogs while peeing and wiped them on the wall next to the urinal. Why do I know this? He was the only one who didn’t think it was hilarious when the maintenance guy complained about having to clean them up.
February 10th, 2011 at 2:31 pm
Wait…which one is you?
February 11th, 2011 at 1:51 am
Reminds me of out Post Office in town.
Perfect descriptions.
February 11th, 2011 at 11:49 pm
On with the show.
February 13th, 2011 at 9:37 pm
This is awesome. It’s like visiting the DMV but without the pain. Thanks for the giggles!
February 14th, 2011 at 12:05 am
So when are you going to start writing my business leadership columns for me. This fits in perfectly.
February 15th, 2011 at 8:52 pm
Holy shit I KNOW these people!!!