So someone who clearly has no real grasp of social media in Texas nominated me for the Austin American-Statesman‘s Texas Social Media Award, which is SO prestigious that I had never heard of it until I checked my blog stats last night and saw that someone from the Statesman had been here so of course I assumed they were planning a huge, front page expo-see on my scandalous, exciting life of sex, intrigue and laundry, only to click over and find that no, I was just one of 350 nominees for this awesome award that recognizes people who are… um… really good at Facebook and stuff? I don’t know. Who cares? It’s an award! I think you get a trophy or something! And the other nominees are people and companies who promote stuff like important world issues and eco-friendly business and feeding the homeless and curing cancer! And obviously I belong in that category!

So I wrote up a bio and submitted my photo, the one where I look like I have three fingers, and some examples of my amazing work like this here blog and my Twitter stream, which features literally thousands of socially relevant and brilliantly conceived tweets, like these:

DO NOT GO TO IKEA. Their spoons are the size of a large man’s head.

New Facebook grp: Why Do My Farts Smell Like Foods I Haven’t Eaten http://on.fb.me/h6Gyg5 @aprylsantics and me are the only members. #joinus

Oh, People-who-think-I-give-a-shit. You are so adorable.

Tonight my kid put the “ass” in “sass.”

Some of you, I really like. But not YOU. You over there. You know who you are. You’re kind of a jackass.

I’m thirsty and I have to pee. But I’m really not much of a getter-upper. #dilemma

Fucking Girl Scouts.

And those were just in the last 24 hours, people. Take THAT, Livestrong! Fuck YOU, Whole Foods!  SHAZAM! Social media BEEJ STYLE, SUCKAAAS!

Anyway, I started getting worried that my brilliance wouldn’t be enough and *maybe* I needed to enlist the help of others in my epic quest to win this award that I’m still not sure what it’s for.  Again demonstrating my mastery of social media, I went to Twitter and said this:

Some fool nominated me for a Texas Social Media Award. http://bit.ly/gcDK6p Of course I will win. #TMSA

And my friend Guilty Squid (who’s a self-proclaimed Internet superstar herself) said this:

@bejewell You’ll mention me in your acceptance speech, right? #TMSA

And I was all “ACCEPTANCE SPEECH? I didn’t even think of that! Holy shit I HAVE to win this award” and I started writing it immediately and I don’t want to give away too much but I can tell you that I will most certainly be thanking Justin Bieber and his hair.

And also Jesus, obviously.

And THEN the Squid left a comment on my nomination page, and it made me laugh, so then I asked the rest of Twitter and Facebook to please leave comments, the more full-of-shit and asinine the better, and TWITTER AND FACEBOOK DID NOT DISAPPOINT. Which I guess is why this award is so important. Because when it comes to full-of-shit and asinine, Twitter and Facebook NEVER let you down.

And for that reason you can now go to my nomination page and see comments like these:

Blythe Jewell does NOT pick her boogers and eat them. Also, she’s awesome.

I first met Blythe back in 2003 when I was working on the set of Dateline’s “To Catch A Predator” series. I was a producer and Blythe was….umm, let’s just say “not convicted”. I remember how funny she was despite being face down on the floor and handcuffed so I grabbed a sharpie and wrote my email address on her forehead as she was being hauled away. I told her that if she ever decided to start blogging to be sure and let me know.

Well several years went by and apparently prison life makes you funnier because now my morning ritual consist of cracking open a Heineken and seeing what funny rants Blythe has plagiarized. Now I don’t know BJ that well but I can tell you that she’s a freelance something (which my Dad always told me meant unemployed) and her toddler son rocks a mean faux hawk and Jimmy Hendrix t-shirt. She likes taking blurry pictures of herself while doing nothing at her desk and she loves, loves, loves Schwedde Balls.

Blythe, you had me at “Hello, is anyone home?”

One time Blythe sent me a penis via the mail.

But it wasn’t real or nothin’. STILL: A penis! In the mail! She is a heroine of great proportions to the common man. She worships at the great church of Henry Winkler and once gave a homeless man a package of boxer briefs and a forty-dollar coffee card to Starbucks.

I don’t know why you’d even CONSIDER those other losers for this award, GAH.

Back in 2008 when our community had a zombie apocalypse drill, because planning ahead is only prudent, NO ONE online (and I do mean NO ONE) was more unaware than Blythe. Honestly, it’s almost as if she were not even paying attention. Which totally makes her a liability but that’s okay because we’ve gone ahead and decided that should it come down to it, she has the honor of being the first one we sacrifice losing to keep our own selves safe.

Really, the only reason you should give her this award is because when it happens, it sure would be nice if our history books had more pizazz.

Full of Pizazz: Blythe Jewell, TSMA winner and town hero

No Pizazz: Oh, remember what’s her name that did that thing that time? Or wait, was she even there?

You see what I’m saying?

I like Blythe because once there was this time my mom bought a new cereal and me and my brother were all like, “What is this stuff?” and I knew it was supposed to be good for us. We were like “NO WAY!” So, we made Blythe try it and she did and ate the WHOLE bowl. Now it’s like, my favorite cereal.

I really just love you guys.

Anyway, I read those and I laughed and then I went back to cleaning out my closet because social media awards aside, my closet is JACKED UP, Y’ALL and while I was in there I found something from my past that is totally awesome but I really have no idea what to do with it and right then BAM! LIGHTBULB!!

GIVEAWAY!!

So here’s the deal. The person who leaves the most hilarious, obnoxious comment on my nomination page will win this amazing piece of my past. Don’t ask me what it is. It’s a surprise. A weird, wonderful, totally random surprise. AND I WILL ALSO THANK SAID PERSON IN MY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH. Basically, you’ll be exactly as important as Justin Bieber’s hair AND Jesus for that one amazing, magical night.

So get to it, folks!  Go there, comment, then come back here and let me know who you are, because if you just go by “Bacon” I don’t have a shipping address for that. Extra points to anyone who shares this on Twitter or Facebook. Through a complex formula with pulleys and levers, I will choose the most deserving winner.

Oh hell, who am I kidding. I’ll probably just do Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe.

Good luck anyway!!

Love,

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25 Responses to “Social media people love me. Or want to sacrifice me to the zombies. Whatever.”

  1. I am not good at hilarity. Or obnoxiousness. In fact, I’m so bad at both that my sisters and I have a running joke about how I have no sense of humor at all — which is actually really funny because it’s something our father said about me to them, which cracks them right the hell up because I make them laugh so hard they cry all the time. Mostly, though, we’re just making fun of our father. Which I guess means that in one sense, I’m really good at both hilarity AND obnoxiousness. Hmmm… maybe I’ll trot over there and try to win a piece of your past…

    But for reals, though, I hope you win this award! Whatever it is.

  2. Your nomination page is my next stop, but I’d like to first suggest that rather than giving a speech at all you just punt the award off of the stage immediately after receiving and then run away. I always regret not doing this when I got my college diploma.

  3. Man. I hope it’s a drinking glass made out of a doll’s head like the one I had in college. I used the braided ponytail as the handle. Some of my best work, really. I hope it’s something like that. You know, if I win.

  4. Does the person who leaves the most lame comment on your page get TWO amazing pieces of your past (RIMSHOT)!! Does this comment qualify? I vote for that Dateline producer guy with whom I have no affiliation. He’s not only funny but his hair is starting to grow back sooo…why wouldn’t you pick him?

  5. The amazing piece of your past wouldn’t by chance be ANOTHER PENIS IN THE MAIL, would it? I’m in.

  6. Since I am already as important as Justin Bieber’s hair and making a serious run at being as important as Jesus, our mechanic, I will TOTALLY REFRAIN FROM EFFING THIS UP FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

    Besides, I already left my comment, and Whole Foods has put some serious death mojo on me, along with Lance Armstrong who is OUTRAGED that I’m all TO THE EFFING GROUND, ARMSTRONG! BEEJ AND YOU & YOUR ONE TESTICLE – SOCIAL MEDIA CAGE MATCH, BEEYOTCH!

    Clearly, I have done my part here.

  7. Apryl’s college experience sounds way better than mine. I want a do-over.

    Well, except for the part where Kasey Maddox and I used to get high in his Mustang before our Music Theory class. Nobody but nobody could fuck up the Circle of Fifths like good ole Maddox.

    But back to me: I auto-win for saying ‘penis’, right? Because I didn’t know there was a contest, and now I feel like I didn’t do my best work. Curses.

  8. I just want to say I’m honored to leave a comment on a post that references zombie apocalypses, mailed penises, doll-head tumblers, AND Lance Armstrong.

    It’s like David Lynch created a group blog with Tim Burton and Darren Aronofsky.

  9. Can I see the other nominees before I comment? Just sayin’.

  10. For the record, I left two comments. But only because 1000 characters just isn’t enough space for me to fully express myself.

    So…two penises please. Or is it penii? Either way, I’ll take two.

  11. Bejewell, I can’t give away how it turned out yet, but it was a tough call between you and “bacon” for one of the 25 spots. We debated for hours while eating some bacon sandwiches. Good luck!

    - Rob

  12. Leave it to a Texas company to totally fuck this up. None of the links work anymore. Probably your awesomeness has shut down their piss-ant servers. I’ll keep trying because my husband is old and he, and by association me, could use a new penis.

  13. Not only did I leave a totally lame comment, I started following you on Twitter to boost your headcount there. You might want to mention some bot-attracting words in your tweets the next couple days so the Texas Whoevers (Whomevers?) can go “OMG she has elebenty-zillion followers so she can haz award!!!!1!!!” or something.

  14. Dude. Rob shouldn’t have said anything. Bacon got all worked up.

    Way to go, Rob. Now Bacon is pissed at you. And I’m not just saying that because I didn’t get nominated. Or am I?

    This is going to be the funnest awards ever. I think that the Statesman should ask us to come to the ceremony instead of trying to get us to buy (more like assault an old lady) to get tickets. In exchange, we’ll show up. It’s win-win.

    And I am so not finished with commentaries quite yet.

    Watch me GO.

  15. Good for you! I look forward to reading and appreciating your hilarity so that next time you’re nominated for a random social media award and I can give you props and enter your giveaway. :D

  16. Holy Crap! You do have three fingers! That’s awesome.

    Congratulations on your nomination. FYI, my blog has had 27 searches over the last week with the phrase “how to kill zombies”. Whatever I can do to help with your zombie apocalypse, please let me know.

    I live with 4 women so I am feel very safe when the zombie judgement day goes down.

  17. Where am I?

  18. Oh! Okay. I clicked on a tweet link and landed here, surrounded by funny. I had no idea you existed, or maybe I did and my old age is getting to my memory banks (which are in dire need of deposits, or vinegar, I don’t know which). So since you took the time to post something totally illuminating about yet another award show and stuff, I want to congratulate you and your parents on your achievement.

    I’ll go vote, and I hope you let me come back.

  19. You fucking kill me, beej. The Bieber hairflip concerns me though, that kid is going to need a chiropractor

  20. I have obviously stumbled upon the site of a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON. My favorite is “Fucking Girl Scouts.” I must immediately follow you on Twitter, asinine or no.

    I hope you win. I really do. Because no one needs to hear about quinoa in Whole Foods’ acceptance speech.

  21. Hi.
    New kid here.
    Good luck on this social media shit.

    Just thought I’d chime in that I say Fucking Girl Scouts this time of year. More than a few times, actually.

    That’s all I got, how lame am I?

  22. Nothing funny, just don’t forget to pack the Vodka. You can always just offer a shot and a cheer and walk off. Coolness at it’s best. Make sure it’s Belvedere of something like that, expensive but hey, you’re winning an award. You can afford it.
    Susan

  23. Bej. OK, first, I got here from Fragrant Liar’s bloggie. Your comment over to her place drew me here like a fly to rotting meat.

    Second, I’m working on my writing style for my bloggie posting stuff and practicing metaphors and aliteration and shit on other people’s sites to see how it looks in print. You also drew me here like a bumble bee to a bubble gum bubble [the kind made with real sugar].

    Third, if I can figure out how to vote, I will vote for you. I will read past postings to discover why I will vote for you. (I am leery of Austin American Statesman awards in all of the times since both GW Buskin and that [P]Rick Perry were honored thereby. Maybe they were honored therein.

    Fourth, I think I will feel compelled to return to your site. Please do not be heartened by this. I am crazy.

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