So someone who clearly has no real grasp of social media in Texas nominated me for the Austin American-Statesman‘s Texas Social Media Award, which is SO prestigious that I had never heard of it until I checked my blog stats last night and saw that someone from the Statesman had been here so of course I assumed they were planning a huge, front page expo-see on my scandalous, exciting life of sex, intrigue and laundry, only to click over and find that no, I was just one of 350 nominees for this awesome award that recognizes people who are… um… really good at Facebook and stuff? I don’t know. Who cares? It’s an award! I think you get a trophy or something! And the other nominees are people and companies who promote stuff like important world issues and eco-friendly business and feeding the homeless and curing cancer! And obviously I belong in that category!
So I wrote up a bio and submitted my photo, the one where I look like I have three fingers, and some examples of my amazing work like this here blog and my Twitter stream, which features literally thousands of socially relevant and brilliantly conceived tweets, like these:
DO NOT GO TO IKEA. Their spoons are the size of a large man’s head.
New Facebook grp: Why Do My Farts Smell Like Foods I Haven’t Eaten http://on.fb.me/h6Gyg5 @aprylsantics and me are the only members. #joinus
Oh, People-who-think-I-give-a-shit. You are so adorable.
Tonight my kid put the “ass” in “sass.”
Some of you, I really like. But not YOU. You over there. You know who you are. You’re kind of a jackass.
Dear OshKosh B’Gosh: Your inability to properly date-stamp your emails does not inspire my confidence.#whereistheunreadmessagedammit
I’m thirsty and I have to pee. But I’m really not much of a getter-upper. #dilemma
Fucking Girl Scouts.
Anyway, I started getting worried that my brilliance wouldn’t be enough and *maybe* I needed to enlist the help of others in my epic quest to win this award that I’m still not sure what it’s for. Again demonstrating my mastery of social media, I went to Twitter and said this:
Some fool nominated me for a Texas Social Media Award. http://bit.ly/gcDK6p Of course I will win. #TMSA
@bejewell You’ll mention me in your acceptance speech, right? #TMSA
And I was all “ACCEPTANCE SPEECH? I didn’t even think of that! Holy shit I HAVE to win this award” and I started writing it immediately and I don’t want to give away too much but I can tell you that I will most certainly be thanking Justin Bieber and his hair.
And also Jesus, obviously.
And THEN the Squid left a comment on my nomination page, and it made me laugh, so then I asked the rest of Twitter and Facebook to please leave comments, the more full-of-shit and asinine the better, and TWITTER AND FACEBOOK DID NOT DISAPPOINT. Which I guess is why this award is so important. Because when it comes to full-of-shit and asinine, Twitter and Facebook NEVER let you down.
And for that reason you can now go to my nomination page and see comments like these:
Blythe Jewell does NOT pick her boogers and eat them. Also, she’s awesome.
I first met Blythe back in 2003 when I was working on the set of Dateline’s “To Catch A Predator” series. I was a producer and Blythe was….umm, let’s just say “not convicted”. I remember how funny she was despite being face down on the floor and handcuffed so I grabbed a sharpie and wrote my email address on her forehead as she was being hauled away. I told her that if she ever decided to start blogging to be sure and let me know.
Well several years went by and apparently prison life makes you funnier because now my morning ritual consist of cracking open a Heineken and seeing what funny rants Blythe has plagiarized. Now I don’t know BJ that well but I can tell you that she’s a freelance something (which my Dad always told me meant unemployed) and her toddler son rocks a mean faux hawk and Jimmy Hendrix t-shirt. She likes taking blurry pictures of herself while doing nothing at her desk and she loves, loves, loves Schwedde Balls.
Blythe, you had me at “Hello, is anyone home?”
One time Blythe sent me a penis via the mail.
But it wasn’t real or nothin’. STILL: A penis! In the mail! She is a heroine of great proportions to the common man. She worships at the great church of Henry Winkler and once gave a homeless man a package of boxer briefs and a forty-dollar coffee card to Starbucks.
I don’t know why you’d even CONSIDER those other losers for this award, GAH.
Back in 2008 when our community had a zombie apocalypse drill, because planning ahead is only prudent, NO ONE online (and I do mean NO ONE) was more unaware than Blythe. Honestly, it’s almost as if she were not even paying attention. Which totally makes her a liability but that’s okay because we’ve gone ahead and decided that should it come down to it, she has the honor of being the first one we sacrifice losing to keep our own selves safe.
Really, the only reason you should give her this award is because when it happens, it sure would be nice if our history books had more pizazz.
Full of Pizazz: Blythe Jewell, TSMA winner and town hero
No Pizazz: Oh, remember what’s her name that did that thing that time? Or wait, was she even there?
You see what I’m saying?
I like Blythe because once there was this time my mom bought a new cereal and me and my brother were all like, “What is this stuff?” and I knew it was supposed to be good for us. We were like “NO WAY!” So, we made Blythe try it and she did and ate the WHOLE bowl. Now it’s like, my favorite cereal.
I really just love you guys.
Anyway, I read those and I laughed and then I went back to cleaning out my closet because social media awards aside, my closet is JACKED UP, Y’ALL and while I was in there I found something from my past that is totally awesome but I really have no idea what to do with it and right then BAM! LIGHTBULB!!
So here’s the deal. The person who leaves the most hilarious, obnoxious comment on my nomination page will win this amazing piece of my past. Don’t ask me what it is. It’s a surprise. A weird, wonderful, totally random surprise. AND I WILL ALSO THANK SAID PERSON IN MY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH. Basically, you’ll be exactly as important as Justin Bieber’s hair AND Jesus for that one amazing, magical night.
So get to it, folks! Go there, comment, then come back here and let me know who you are, because if you just go by “Bacon” I don’t have a shipping address for that. Extra points to anyone who shares this on Twitter or Facebook. Through a complex formula with pulleys and levers, I will choose the most deserving winner.
Oh hell, who am I kidding. I’ll probably just do Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe.
Good luck anyway!!