Bejewell on March 16th, 2011

I’ve been reading magazines a long time and there are some that I’ve gotten too old to enjoy (Seventeen) and some that just aren’t as funny to me today as they were when I was a kid (MAD) — but never in my life have I picked up a magazine and been so alarmed at how little it actually interested me than I was today when I picked up the latest copy of Cosmo.  I bought a $5 subscription to Cosmopolitan through Amazon a while ago because shit it was FIVE DOLLARS what was I supposed to do? and the first issue came a few weeks ago but I’ve been a little too busy having a life to read it and finally got around to it this morning and as soon as I opened it I was all “JESUS CHRIST ON A BISCUIT WHEN DID I GO FROM COSMO GIRL TO THE FUCKING FAMILY CIRCLE LADY?!?!?!”

It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore.

Have you read Cosmo lately?  Easily half the articles deal with finding-or-snagging-or-pleasing the ideal man. Clearly I am NOT the demographic here. I found my man nearly 20 years ago by questionable luck and he was far from ideal (sadly, we have not made any great strides in this area). Still, I loved him desperately and somehow managed to “snag” him by acting on instinct alone, without even a single tip from Cosmo in the proper application of my “feminine wiles” (which, let’s face it, is really just codeword for being slutty).

Also, I’ve pretty much spent all my time since “snagging” him being totally uninterested in “pleasing” him. Truth be told, sometimes I spend entire days constructing elaborate plans to make sure that he is NOT pleased, just for my own sick entertainment. (This is absolutely true.)

For the record he, too, often behaves like a total assmaggot, regularly driving me to the brink of raving lunacy and laughing hysterically as I try desperately not to lose my shit and set him on fire. So it’s a nice balance. For this reason we’ve continued to tolerate each other’s jackassiness and after years of valiantly not murdering each other we’ve settled nicely into our own little world where loud farts, smelly burps and acting a fool are not only accepted, but in many cases encouraged.

But I digress.

A few more indicators that I am no longer the target audience for this particular magazine:

I live in a small house and this should be the perfect article for me but honestly
all I can see when I look at this page is the crayon and paint and slobber and
dog hair and pee and god knows what else that would cover all that white
in mere days minutes.


Pretty sure the Big Bean would agree that, for me,
this is the time when my paycheck hits the account.
Or any time when I’m not fucking with his head, just in general.
You know, like when I’m sleeping and at work and stuff.


Why the hell would I want to do THIS?
The alarm goes off at 6 AM, you know.


I don’t even know what to say about this.


So… you’re saying my fancy yoga pants aren’t enough?


Yeah. Pretty sure I’ve already got this one covered.
Let’s start with the five bucks I shelled out for this useless magazine subscription.


At the same time I picked up my subscription of Cosmo, I also signed up for Redbook. (We can chalk this up as another totally-don’t-need-it-but-it’s-only-$5 purchase.) It only took one look at the cover to know that this is WAY MORE MY SPEED.

Fuck you, Cosmo. Redbook wins.

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19 Responses to “Less Sex Talk, More Wrinkle Remedies”

  1. There is not one thing in this whole damned post that didn’t make me laugh. Out loud. Loud enough to annoy my family and make the dogs bark. Everything’s funny. Dammit Beej, I hate you for this. You set the bar too fecking high.

  2. Jen @ blissfully caffeinated
    March 16th, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    “Stay hot all night long”? Why the FUCK would I want to do that? I’ve hated cosmo for a long time because of this. It’s all about how to please a man. Sorry, I think it should be the other way around, yo.

    Anyone who has seen the pictures of your recent plumbing catashtophe knows that you often entertain yourself at your husbands expense. And I fully support that.

  3. good stuff Beej. I need to get caught up…it’s been a while!

  4. “Stay hot all night long.” Last time I did this I was in the throes of post-partum hormones and I sweat my way through three sets of pajamas. They weren’t sexy pajamas either.

    Also, I had NO IDEA that Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton were a couple. I’m so far behind on pop culture I can’t even keep up with the country singers.

  5. Yeah, I’m not sure I was Cosmo’s target audience even when I was the right age to be its target audience.

  6. omg…i’ve soooo been in the middle of a magazine (starts with g and ends with r) and said OUT LOUD, “I am too fucking old to be reading this shit.”

    I used to rely on that for information too…wtf???

  7. I’ve never been a Cosmo girl. I hate that it’s pretty much all about sex. I’ve never believed that sex was all a woman had to offer a man, and I feel like that’s the message they send.

    Redbook’s much more my speed…especially as I get older. Wish I’d caught it on a $5 day!

    And BTW…hilarious post! Thanks!

  8. Spackle can help a lot. And I used to stay hot all night long, but then the hormone replacement therapy kicked in.

  9. I think Assmaggot is my new favorite word EVER. Also, I literally peed a little bit from laughing. TAKE THAT Cosmo. I bet none of those skinny bitches pees after carrying around ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS in their small spaces for a collective 18 months. Fucking hoes with their great sex. Pft.

  10. I had a friend that won a year subscription to Cosmo… She felt obligated to read it every month and she said that her self-esteem improved immensely when that year was over. Like all of a sudden she didn’t feel the need to improve herself for others.

    I hate magazines. Really and truly.

  11. OK, that’s horrible. You just made me feel grateful I don’t have a subscription to Cosmo. I vote try Entertainment Weekly. I got it free for 6months like 5 years ago and I’m totally addicted.

  12. You nailed it.

    I got a free subscription to Glamour through some airline miles thing we didn’t use, because they make it too damn hard to do so. SAME reaction when it comes every month. Who are these people?

    I’m not sure why they put that young hot chick on the front of Redbook, though. I doubt she typifies the people reading the magazine.

    And by the way, I also get Family Circle. I have a post in draft about the horrifyingly large numbers of prescription medication ads in that magazine v. ads for fun things like makeup and fashion.

    #gettingoldsucks

  13. Another reason Redbook wins?

    FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE!!!

    Nothing gets us more excited than free crap.

  14. Oh, I’m hot all night, alright – hot flashes will do that to you! And it doesn’t matter what the hubs likes or does not like about what I wear to bed, cuz chances are it’s going to come off anyway – soaked through with night sweats! Yeah, baby, I’m one hot momma!!

  15. I so agree with Julie Ann Witt. I thought that after 25 years of marriage, homey didn’t have to play those games and seriously DH doesn’t have enough money to attract some hot looking babe like the ones seen in Cosmo. Redbook, something I can use. Cosmo, an app for sexual positions maybe an app for how to get your husband to stop snoring without actually killing him.
    Laughed through the whole post. Thanks

  16. My husband is just so happy to not have to play the game and live his current happy lifestyle of “a sure thing.”

    Me? I’ll do anything in exchange for food and shelter. ( I kid, people!)

  17. I get a subscription for Martha Stewart “Living”. It’s like Cosmo, but with crafts, recipes, and home decorating ideas made to help you snag some really pretentious friends. It doesn’t ever mention sex because Martha? Martha DOES NOT HAVE SEX. That’s why she has all that time on her hands to blow out all the eggs before she decorates them with handmade paper and antique stencils.

  18. i subscribe to an inordinate amount of magazines, but Cosmo is not one of them. I love Redbook, though.

  19. @Foolery’s right, this here is a very, very high bar!

    Y’know something funny? I’ve been getting these emails that are enticing me to get my own $5 subscription – except it’s Better Homes & Gardens (or was it Good Housekeeping?), if I may say it here, my parts are all atingle at the prospect.

    My grandma was a Redbook subscriber for YEARS and once I read it when I was a teenager and I was like, Grandma? Really? You READ this?? She was a sassy one.

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