A couple of months ago I scaled back my hours at the Department of Melancholy so I could (1) concentrate on freelance work and (B) avoid stabbing myself in the face because the people in my office were making me feel JUST REAL FACE STABBY during the entire months of September-October-November-December-and-January. At the time (and by “at the time” I mean “back when I was making plenty of money and had forgotten what it was like to be broke and pathetic”), cutting back to a part-time schedule seemed like the safest option for everyone — but if I’m being honest (and I think we all know honesty-that-will-come-back-to-bite-me-in-the-ass is a specialty of mine) it hasn’t been as easy as I’d expected and now I’m kind of freaking out and not in a good way but in a HOLY SHITBALLS NOW I’M GOING TO HAVE TO STAB EVERYONE way.

Let me just address the obvious first question: YES, the Creepy Dude DID finally go the way of the retirement light and YES, life at work was lovely for a couple of months because his cubicle was quiet and empty and I was able to find awesome shit on the Internet like this:

in relative peace, without a bunch of complainy life suckage going on next to me. But then they hired a new lady to take Creepy Dude’s place, and while she’s very nice she also reallyreallyreallyreally likes to talk. Reallyreally. Like, A LOT. Like, ALL DAY. About her plants and car problems and pets and car problems and politics and car problems and how hard it is to learn all of the acronyms at the Department of Melancholy (DOM). Did I mention her car problems? Oh, I did? I’m sorry, I guess that’s just because she WILLNOTSHUTUPABOUTHERSTUPIDBROKEDOWNCAR.

Also, she has tuberculosis. Apparently. Or maybe emphysema. Hell, I don’t know!! I’m not a doctor!! But whatever it is I DO know it must be super serious because this lady has not stopped coughing since she walked in the building two months ago. She coughs all day long, every day, and I know I should feel sorrier for her or be more concerned about her health or call 911 or something but have you ever had to listen to someone cough NONFUCKINGSTOP for eight hours a day? It’s all I can do to not stab us BOTH in the face.

Anyway my point is that coming to work three days a week instead of five was supposed to make things easier but I’m finding that the three days I’m in the office are now about a thousand times harder to get through. I think maybe I’d just gotten numb to the 40-hour routine and now I have two extra days a week to thaw out so when I come back on Monday morning I’ve got the feeling back in my digits and JESUS AND CHRISTMAS THIS PLACE IS PAINFUL.

Plus, some asshole stole my iPod player thingy from my desk so now I’m forced to listen to Austin radio all day and it’s awful, just awful. For a place that likes to bill itself as the “Live Music Capital of the World” Austin, Texas, has a shockingly shitty selection of radio stations. No jazz, no classic rock, but about 15 Tejano stations and you can’t escape the fucking Christian Rock. Plus the reception’s really bad in my building (which also smells like farts, I don’t know if I mentioned that before but it totally does) (not MY farts, obviously — MY farts smell like egg salad) and all I can really get is MAJIC 95 easy listening which so far this morning has included an in-depth discussion of Dancing with the Stars and not one, but TWO Michael Bolton songs. SOB.

And THEN yesterday I came in to the office and this notice was waiting for me, I swear I did NOT make this up, it really happened I swear to god it did:

Where is Michael Bolton when you need him?

P.S. For those of you worried about me getting “Dooced” here is what I say to that: BRING. IT.

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22 Responses to “I Need a Surgical Mask, Full Body Armor and a Really Long Vacation”

  1. I’ll trade you the cougher for the coworker snorting copious amounts of snot all day.

  2. Well if you don’t stop feeling face stabby, and wind up losing control of your infinite patience and DO stab someone in the face, just shrug your shoulders and blame it on The Rabies.

    I bet it works.

  3. You can’t stab yourself before Friday, because that would negatively impact me. And. It’s all about me.

  4. This? is what I’ll be announcing to the stinky women in this subdivision at the next PTA meeting they make us attend “(and by “a great idea” I mean “the safest option for everyone”)

    Solid gold.

    I thank you.

  5. and they’re not stinky as in not smelling nice.

    they smell plenty nice.

    just not plenty acting nice.

  6. Michael Bolton is probably the reason behind all very serious crimes and rabies.

  7. I did work with a chronic cougher and puker! No lie. My desk was just down the hall from the bathrooms and at least twice a day her coughing would build to a crescendo as she’d race down the hallway to the bathroom just in time for a hearty round of therapeutic stomach emptying. She said she was allergic to cheese.

  8. Office sounds/office people make me want to crawl out of my own skin and abandon my body for higher ground and a strong drink. I hope you don’t get rabies, because it sounds like that would be the snot icing on an already disgusting cake.

    (I apologize for the graphic nature of this comment. Apparently, that’s how I roll today.)

  9. All of the above is exactly why I’m pretty sure I can never go back to working in an office with real people. They’d be able to see the faces I make when we’re on conference calls and that would be awkward.

  10. This? “Also, she has tuberculosis. Apparently. Or maybe emphysema. Hell, I don’t know!!” Almost made me pee.


  11. Oh, how many times have I said that EXACT SAME THING about Austin radio? Can you use Pandora on your computer?

    I do NOT miss all the ridiculous people I had do deal with when I was working. You’d never know that I financial institution could run so similarly to a day care. But now you do.

  12. Zoonosis?

  13. Rabies. Now there’s something that would be blog fodder. But I guess for it to be blog fodder, you’d actually have to get it and that would probably suck. I don’t see foaming at the mouth as a good look for you.

    Oh and upstate NY radio sucks as well. It sucks worse than Maine radio. And you know, you might think Maine radio would be music to catch lobsters by, or shovel snow by. But it’s not. It’s got 3 really great oldies stations, 2 classic rock stations, one metal station, 1 top 40 and a few country stations as well as several others. Those dudes out on the lobster boats have got quite the selection. Hell there’s even two Ukrainian stations they can rock out to. But since moving to upstate NY we’re pretty limited. And, it sucks!

  14. You know I heard on the radio earlier today that turtles have to “shit out their dicks” to use them. Then I see this post with the picture of a fucking turtle and just had to laugh.

  15. ‘Zoonosis’ has got to be the coolest fucking word I’ve ever heard of.

  16. …and how about Alexandra sounding like a Vietnamese foreign national up there? How’s that for completely rad, huh?

    Alexandra is the greatest.

  17. I had a rabid horse chase me when I was about 10. Probably the scariest thing I’ve ever been through, next to the premature birth of my grandson. Rabies SUCKS, man.

    And, speaking of annoying people at work, I used to work with a guy who was always pulling his tight jeans out of his ass, just picking, picking all the time. He went over to a woman’s desk who had a bowl of candy, and he dug around in it until he found the flavor he was looking for, probably touching it all with his ass fingers. He walked away and she promptly threw the candy AND the bowl in the trash. Now I have a total phobia of eating anything unless it’s individually wrapped.

    Momzombie made me giggle with her “She said she was allergic to cheese” remark. That was fucking awesome.

    B, hang in there, bitch. You KNOW it’s all gonna be ok. There are just too many shitty, insincere writers out there. You have what it takes to survive and thrive.

  18. Jesus and Christmas that was hilarious! Although I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you won’t get TB or rabies or attacked by god-awful Austin music, which really and truly does suck.

    ps – I love it when Wendi gives one-word comments.

  19. I think it might be time for you to start giving back a little. You know, tell crazy stories, develop a few facial ticks, offer food that you’ve just stirred with your finger. You’ll have some fun AND, hopefully, make your co-worker retreat in fear.

  20. Oh puhlease. This is ALL you deal with? Try attempting to teach copious numbers of hormone ridden, hyperactive teenagers with acne laden visages, chronic apathy and stab triggering attitudes, in a small room, with penises drawn on most flat surfaces. In high heels.
    Bring on the coughing colleague I say. Unless she sends you post-its with penises drawn in the corner…

  21. Where has this blog been all my life?! *Smooches blog*

    I think I used to work at the agency next door to yours: The Texas Department of Good Ol’ Boys. Yes, that is ALL of them but mine specialized. We should talk.

    Here…have a lollipop.

  22. What if the coughing is a tic and she has Tourette’s or OCD or something. You should move things around on her desk to see if she spazzes (totally a word) out. OR she is determined to make you crazy, in which case, I think she is succeeding. I would still move things around and hide things to make her crazy. You know, just for fun. ;)

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