A few weeks ago a friend emailed me and was all, “Chip Coffey’s going to be in Austin soon, do you want to go see him? I can get you free passes” and I was all “Sure that sounds awesome! I can’t wait to see Chuck Coffey!” and then “Wait, who the hell is Chuck Coffey?” So I googled Chuck Coffey but it turns out that CHUCK Coffey is actually some agricultural beef consultant or something and I was all “Why the fuck would I want to learn about beef from Chuck Coffey?!?”

(Which is funny because I just recently accepted an invitation to attend a blogging thing next month at the Texas Beef Council, where I will learn all about beef and how to cook beef, even though I really don’t eat much beef and or write about beef and I also don’t cook and also raw meat totally grosses me out. I have no idea if Chuck Coffey will be there but it’s possible that I’ll barf when they bring out the raw beef so stay tuned.)

Anyway it turns out this guy’s name is actually CHIP Coffey and he’s a psychic dude on TV and I’ve never heard of him but lots of other people have and they think he’s legit and the shit. Probably because they have life issues or something but I don’t know! I’m not here to judge!

Okay, I’m TOTALLY here to judge but whatever.

Even if he wasn’t legit, I’d still happily go because hello? PEOPLE WATCHING!!!! And of course there’s no one I’d rather do people watching with than the BFF, so I called her up and was all “Guess what?! We’re going to see Chip Coffey!!” and she was all “Who the hell is Chuck Coffey?” and I was all, “He’s an agricultural expert but that’s not the point here” and she was all, “So the point is…?” and I said “There will be people watching” and she was all “Okay, what time?” and I just love that she didn’t need to know anything more than that.

So Sunday night we went to this thing at the Driskill Hotel, which is clearly haunted because it is old and old places are always haunted, everybody knows that. And we got there late and were trying to figure out how to get in without causing a ruckus but then hey! There was Chip Coffey! Standing outside the room waiting to be introduced! And we looked like big assholes for being so late to his show!! So we just stood there like idiots!!

And then he waved us into the room and told us where to go to get our VIP passes and I wanted to say “Break a leg, dude” but I wasn’t sure if that was appropriate here and I didn’t want to look like even MORE of an asshole so I just didn’t say anything at all (unprecedented). Instead, the BFF and I went ahead and caused that big ruckus by walking in during the introduction and not being able to find seats together. So we still managed to be assholish anyway (NOT unprecedented), but it was ALL CHIP COFFEY’S FAULT. And, you know, whatever. I’ll be GODDAMNED if I’m going to sit through a show like this without the BFF next to me so it was worth it.

Anyway eventually we did find seats together and then Chip Coffey came in!! And everyone freaked out!! Because it was Chip Coffey!! Who talks to dead people!! And is on TV!! And the BFF and I looked around at everyone and their intensity and their fashion choices and then we looked at each other with huge smiles because this was the BEST PEOPLE WATCHING EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER.

The first part of the show was Chip Coffey talking about Chip Coffey and telling everyone how he got to be so awesome and everyone in the audience nodded their heads because obviously Chip Coffey WAS totally awesome. And then there was a Q&A where people asked Chip Coffey questions and one lady was convinced that her 5-year-old daughter was psychic because sometimes she saw sparkly stuff in the air sometimes and another lady cried because she’d been waitingtomeetChipCoffeyherwholelife and another lady wanted advice on how to clear the air of orbs so she could perform proper “blessings” and then it was REID’S turn. And Reid was this super weird-looking guy whose underpants were showing and Reid wanted to know what HE could do to be psychic and the BFF and I were so happy I swear we almost cried.

And Chip Coffey listened patiently to each person and he was nice to even the weirdest ones but also kind of snarky and funny and hey! Who knew? Chip Coffey IS actually kind of awesome!! But there was also something else about him, something I knew I liked, but couldn’t *quite* put my finger on, and that really bugged me until the BFF leaned over to me and said “Otho.” And then it all made sense.

After that there was a “Coffey Break” (harharharhar) during which Chip Coffey called up the spirits or whatever because Part Two was him actually doing readings of people in the audience. First up was some dude with horn-rimmed glasses and a poorly maintained mohawk who wanted to know his financial outlook, at which point the BFF whispered “Maybe his financial outlook would be better if he didn’t drop a bunch of cash on tickets to see Chip Coffey?” And I was all “WORD” but Chip Coffey just told the guy that he’d have better luck in one of the “J” months and said NOTHING about his terrible mohawk OR his poor financial choices so I was disappointed.

But THEN there was a lady who’d already been visited by everyone who’s ever died, apparently, and they had taken her to visit Dead People Land and it was beautiful and the trees were beautiful and the water was beautiful and the children were beautiful and they were sitting on the grass but THERE WERE NO GRASS STAINS on their white heavenwear so obviously they were in god’s world.

And then there was the lady whose dead boyfriend had a foot fetish and another lady whose dead grandmother was telling her to stop putting herself down so much and this was all really starting to sound a lot more like some weird kind of therapy than ghost-psychic stuff.

And then it was over, and everyone rose for a standing O and the BFF and I were all, “Really??” but we stood up anyway and clapped enthusiastically because quite frankly we were a little scared of some of these people. And afterwards there was a whole VIP thing where you could meet Chip Coffey and tour the haunted hotel with him but we had to leave because it was like 10:30 on a Sunday and SOME of us had to go to work early the next morning if we wanted to keep our OWN financial outlooks on the up and up.

Anyway, the point is that I didn’t walk away believing in this stuff any more than I did when I walked in, but I DID find a title for my next novel (“No Grass Stains in Heaven”), and I got to see Chip Coffey tell one lady (who refused to stand in line to ask a question but instead raised her hand insistently until he called on her) that he was worried about her mental health, which was awesome.

And I got to see Reid’s underpants and Bad Mohawk Guy and Foot Fetish Lady and I-Wish-My-Kid-Was-Psychic Mom and Too Many Orbs Lady and all the others, with the BFF at my side.

And that? Was the awesomest part of all.

The end.

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19 Responses to “You Don’t Have to Be Psychic to Know That I Will Probably Barf on Agricultural Consultant Chuck Coffey”

  1. If I saw his listing in a phone book I’d think he was ice cream. Also, tell me when your novel is ready because I want THAT SPINE on my bookshelf, fer shur.

  2. As soon as you mentioned Otho, I was done for.

  3. Sounds like you and the BFF had a great time! Remind me to tell you about my psychic experience one of these days. It’s one that you will appreciate.

  4. -You’ve lost someone close to you, correct?
    -This person, their name began with an S, didn’t it.
    -Then there must be an S in their name somewhere…did it start with an F?
    -I’m definitely feeling an F or a letter close to F…something in the first 7 letters of the alphabet right?
    -Ok…well this person is a fan of the letters S and F, wait, now I’m feeling the letter R, I have a strong feeling about R.
    -Argghhh, I’ve lost the connection…..

  5. i HAVE seen this guy on tv, and he along with his cohorts crack me up. The whole show reminds me of when you’d go through the haunted maze at the elementary school carnival. Something dramatic would happen, like one of you friends was grabbed or pushed and you’d swear it wasn’t you or anyone else in the group. Everybody would be all worked up and maybe even tempers would flare, and you’d leave knowing it was one of the most memorable moments of your young life. That’s the way these guys act- “something touched me! I got chills! Did you feel that? ” so anyway… Why would anyone continue life with the name Chip?

  6. what’s OTHO?

  7. I’m with Heather…

  8. Emma-And-Sophie's-Mom
    April 12th, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    OTHO = creepy “psychic” guy from Beetlejuice.
    I have to admit a certain fondness for Chip. I have watched him a couple times on that A&E show where they go to the house and it’s haunted and they set up cameras for overnight, and there’s some bad voice-over… and then he had his own show with psychic kids, I think? I dunno. But whatever, I’m so extremely jealous that you got to meet Chip Coffey.

  9. Otho. OMG. You did not just go there.

  10. You know when Mr. Coffey’s name shows up in the census, it’s Coffey, Chip. Which would totally be a cool name to go through life with, being all tasty and ice-creamy and shit. Versus OTHO, which I thought was an acronym for something like On The Other Hand, but apparently not. At least you got to be with your BFF. Most awesome.

  11. You two really are seriously accomplished voyeurs.

  12. If there is a more hilarious, perfect evening to be had, I don’t want to know about it.

  13. You had me at Otho. Love it! :)

  14. So.Jealous.

  15. I know all about Chip Coffey read my book ” Paranormal Reality Investigating Paranormal State” your learn more about him

  16. i was hoping Chip Coffee was Chick Corea, but then i found out it wasn’t a jazz concert, but some other weird thing with weird people which would make it about as cool as going to a dive bar which i have done frequently to see Reid, the Mohawk guy, and the foot-fetish lady and many other lovable, laughable freaks, but the scary thing is your account reminded me of JD’s story about Spike Jones.

    JD’s dad, an apparently awesome Texan ran a restaurant in Houston and his clientele knew the man worshiped Spike Jones. So a well off customer gave JD’s dad three tickets to see Spike and his band when he came to Houston in the 1950′s.

    JD’s dad excitedly prepared thoroughly for the concert, and when they were just a bit late leaving home, he told JD’s mom not to worry, they had plenty of time.

    Then en route, they had to stop at an RR crossing for a freight train which took a long time before the crossing was opened. JD’s dad stayed cool.

    Then they had a flat tire and it took a while to replace it with the spare. JD’s dad stayed cool.

    Then when they got there, the parking lot was full. So they arrived to a full audience and Spike Jones and his Band were beginning the show.

    The seats were great: right in the middle three rows from the front. So while Spike was talking, the usher showed the Waits family to their seats.

    Spike, being very caustically clever and working the crowd for a laugh, stopped his spiel, looked at JD, his mom, and his dad, and said, “About time you got here.”

    JD’s dad, paused, looked up, and yelled, “Fuck you, Spike.”

    Some things never die.

  17. Looks like someone is subscribing to Google Alerts so he can hitch his wagon to Chip’s star. If it was a good book he probably wouldn’t have to spend his time chasing Chip around the internet EVERY DAY. *pity face*

  18. So I have this friend, and she went and saw that red-headed psychic guy, the one that used to have a TV show, and he totally knew all about her dead grandma, and how the grandma had this favorite tree, and the grandma had a message for my friend’s dog. TRUE STORY. But aside from that, I’ve never seen anything at a psychic show to make me believe, but yes, the people watching is fabulous!

  19. I guess I never really believed that there were people out there like Chuch Coffey but then I don’t think I ever believed that there were people who actually bought into that crap. Although I did have a good friend once who dragged me to her “tea leaf reader.” It took everything I had not to vomit the tea back up but I was trying to be supportive of my friend who otherwise was fairly normal.

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