So I got fired from my day job yesterday, more or less, and I know “more or less” is a weird thing to say here but honestly this is the weirdest “firing” I’ve ever had the pleasure to be involved in so I’m not really sure how else to describe it.
For starters, I actually have no idea WHEN I’m fired. It seems the New Boss Lady has chosen to take the “Slow Death” approach to my termination — she doesn’t want me here anymore, but she’s not sending me away because she still needs me to do my work. So I kind of still have a job but only until she can hire someone else, who’s less qualified and doesn’t know anything about what I do, to do what I do instead of me.
Which obviously makes perfect sense.
Also, I’m still not exactly sure how this happened but the New Boss Lady is so stealth she actually got me to FIRE MYSELF — before I even realized what was happening.
NEW BOSS LADY: I hate you! You suck!
ME: I do?
NEW BOSS LADY: YES!
ME: Can you tell me in what way I suck?
NEW BOSS LADY: (silence) (mean face)
ME: What have I done wrong?
NEW BOSS LADY: Um… well… you turned in your time sheet late! Twice!
NEW BOSS LADY: And then you ASKED FOR MONDAY MORNING OFF!!! A week in advance!! And I don’t LIKE you taking personal time off I just plain DON’T LIKE IT! Even though I’m not going to be billed for it and it will not affect me in any way at all! And even though I’m totally going to call in sick tomorrow morning myself, thereby holding you to a completely different standard than my own!
ME: So… huh. Okay. Timesheets. Personal time. Is that it?
NEW BOSS LADY: Yes! No! I mean, also some people complained about you but I’m not sure who they were or what they said you did wrong but you still suck!
ME: (unadvisedly cocky) You know, maybe I should just be fired, since I’m apparently just sooo horrible and I just suck in sooo many different ways that I’m not sure of that you can’t explain to me. (sitting back, crossing arms over chest, smirking, waiting for the inevitable, “No, no, no, that’s not what I meant!”)
NEW BOSS LADY: Yes, I think that would be a good idea.
ME: Wait. What?
It was really pretty impressive.
And there are eleventybillion more things I would love to say about all of this, most of them super-fueled by hurt feelings and damaged pride and EXTREME stress/worry and “So… I’m fired, right?” confusion but I think what I’m going to do is shut up before I say anything (more) stupid. Because I’m now on the job hunt full swing and it’s entirely possible that potential employers will find this blog, and god forbid they should see that I said something insulting about the woman who JUST MADE ME FIRE MYSELF FOR NO GOOD REASON. Obviously that’s just WAY WORSE than all those posts I’ve written about stuff like midget porn and dildo helmets and other peoples’ boobs. And that time I said Jesus wanted to kill Steve Jobs. And those pictures of me in my underwear.
Anyway, before I shut up like I should have done long before I ever decided to write this blog at all (panic), I just have to tell you this part because it’s awesome (and by “awesome” I mean “sick and twisted and horrible”):
After I realized that I’d just accidentally fired myself, I was sitting in this office with the door closed and the New Boss Lady staring at me, and I started crying. FYI, this is the VERY VERY LAST THING you want to do when you are sitting in front of someone who’s just told you how much you suck for no reason. Believe me, I tried not to, but I was just completely SHOCKED and there were all these dollar signs floating around in my head… $$$ preschool tuition $$$ mortgage payment $$$ groceries $$$ outfit for Listen To Your Mother $$$ so yeah I cried, okay? I couldn’t help it! And it wasn’t just a little cry, oh no, I don’t DO the little cry. This was the Mack Daddy of All Ugly Cries. Of course it was.
Like I always say — Go big or go home!
So there I am doing the ugly cry and I swear to god this happened:
[absolutely NOT paraphrased]
ME: (sobbing, tears streaming, looking ugly)
NEW BOSS LADY: (staring at me)
ME: I’m s-s-s-sorry to l-l-l-lose it like this, I’m just s-s-s-so SHOCKED and I don’t know how I’m going to p-p-pay my b-b-b-BILLS or what I’m going to d-d-d-doooo (sob sob sniffle sob)
NEW BOSS LADY: It’s… um… okay.
ME: (sob sob weird breathing sniffle)
[awkward silence while I continue to cry and she continues to stare]
NEW BOSS LADY: Well, listen. I don’t want to sit here and tell you that this sucks for ME, BUT…
NEW BOSS LADY: You know, when you leave I’m really screwed! I have all these big projects coming up and you’re the only one who knows how to do them!
NEW BOSS LADY: And just imagine what it’s like to be ME right now, having to sit here and talk with you about this! It’s terrible!!
NEW BOSS LADY: You know, I used to be a technical writer myself, and it was just AWFUL the way people treated me.
ME: (sniffling) (gathering what tiny shreds of dignity are left) I think I should go now.
NEW BOSS LADY: Okay. Let’s talk again tomorrow.
And now you understand. At least, as much as I do. Which is not at all.
I think.Stumble it!