Bejewell on April 20th, 2011

So I got fired from my day job yesterday, more or less, and I know “more or less” is a weird thing to say here but honestly this is the weirdest “firing” I’ve ever had the pleasure to be involved in so I’m not really sure how else to describe it.

For starters, I actually have no idea WHEN I’m fired. It seems the New Boss Lady has chosen to take the “Slow Death” approach to my termination — she doesn’t want me here anymore, but she’s not sending me away because she still needs me to do my work. So I kind of still have a job but only until she can hire someone else, who’s less qualified and doesn’t know anything about what I do, to do what I do instead of me.

Which obviously makes perfect sense.

Also, I’m still not exactly sure how this happened but the New Boss Lady is so stealth she actually got me to FIRE MYSELF — before I even realized what was happening.

[paraphrased]

NEW BOSS LADY: I hate you! You suck!

ME: I do?

NEW BOSS LADY: YES!

ME: Can you tell me in what way I suck?

NEW BOSS LADY: (silence) (mean face)

ME: What have I done wrong?

NEW BOSS LADY: Um… well… you turned in your time sheet late! Twice!

ME: ????

NEW BOSS LADY: And then you ASKED FOR MONDAY MORNING OFF!!! A week in advance!! And I don’t LIKE you taking personal time off I just plain DON’T LIKE IT! Even though I’m not going to be billed for it and it will not affect me in any way at all! And even though I’m totally going to call in sick tomorrow morning myself, thereby holding you to a completely different standard than my own!

ME: So… huh. Okay. Timesheets. Personal time. Is that it?

NEW BOSS LADY: Yes! No! I mean, also some people complained about you but I’m not sure who they were or what they said you did wrong but you still suck!

ME: (unadvisedly cocky) You know, maybe I should just be fired, since I’m apparently just sooo horrible and I just suck in sooo many different ways that I’m not sure of that you can’t explain to me. (sitting back, crossing arms over chest, smirking, waiting for the inevitable, “No, no, no, that’s not what I meant!”)

NEW BOSS LADY: Yes, I think that would be a good idea.

ME: Wait. What?

It was really pretty impressive.

And there are eleventybillion more things I would love to say about all of this, most of them super-fueled by hurt feelings and damaged pride and EXTREME stress/worry and “So… I’m fired, right?” confusion but I think what I’m going to do is shut up before I say anything (more) stupid. Because I’m now on the job hunt full swing and it’s entirely possible that potential employers will find this blog, and god forbid they should see that I said something insulting about the woman who JUST MADE ME FIRE MYSELF FOR NO GOOD REASON. Obviously that’s just WAY WORSE than all those posts I’ve written about stuff like midget porn and dildo helmets and other peoples’ boobs. And that time I said Jesus wanted to kill Steve Jobs. And those pictures of me in my underwear.

Oh.

Shit.

Anyway, before I shut up like I should have done long before I ever decided to write this blog at all (panic), I just have to tell you this part because it’s awesome (and by “awesome” I mean “sick and twisted and horrible”):

After I realized that I’d just accidentally fired myself, I was sitting in this office with the door closed and the New Boss Lady staring at me, and I started crying. FYI, this is the VERY VERY LAST THING you want to do when you are sitting in front of someone who’s just told you how much you suck for no reason. Believe me, I tried not to, but I was just completely SHOCKED and there were all these dollar signs floating around in my head… $$$ preschool tuition $$$ mortgage payment $$$ groceries $$$ outfit for Listen To Your Mother $$$ so yeah I cried, okay? I couldn’t help it! And it wasn’t just a little cry, oh no, I don’t DO the little cry. This was the Mack Daddy of All Ugly Cries. Of course it was.

Like I always say — Go big or go home!

So there I am doing the ugly cry and I swear to god this happened:

[absolutely NOT paraphrased]

ME: (sobbing, tears streaming, looking ugly)

NEW BOSS LADY: (staring at me)

ME: I’m s-s-s-sorry to l-l-l-lose it like this, I’m just s-s-s-so SHOCKED and I don’t know how I’m going to p-p-pay my b-b-b-BILLS or what I’m going to d-d-d-doooo (sob sob sniffle sob)

NEW BOSS LADY: It’s… um… okay.

ME: (sob sob weird breathing sniffle)

[awkward silence while I continue to cry and she continues to stare]

NEW BOSS LADY: Well, listen. I don’t want to sit here and tell you that this sucks for ME, BUT…

ME: ???????

NEW BOSS LADY: You know, when you leave I’m really screwed! I have all these big projects coming up and you’re the only one who knows how to do them!

ME: ????????????????????????????????

NEW BOSS LADY: And just imagine what it’s like to be ME right now, having to sit here and talk with you about this! It’s terrible!!

ME: ??????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!

NEW BOSS LADY: You know, I used to be a technical writer myself, and it was just AWFUL the way people treated me.

[awkward silence]

ME: (sniffling) (gathering what tiny shreds of dignity are left) I think I should go now.

NEW BOSS LADY: Okay. Let’s talk again tomorrow.

And now you understand. At least, as much as I do. Which is not at all.

The end.

For now.

I think.

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37 Responses to “How I Accidentally Fired Myself”

  1. OH MY GOD your boss-lady is psychotic and awful and I am sending you sympathy hugs, having also suffered the ignominy of being fired by a total jackass under retrospectively-hilarious-but-still-angrifying circumstances.

    HOWEVER! You have now been presented with a golden opportunity to resign in a HILARIOUS AND INAPPROPRIATE manner, a la this spectacular effort: http://thechive.com/2010/08/10.....33-photos/

    Chin up! :)

  2. thats just fucked up

  3. Holy hell!!! what a b*tch. sorry for the foul language. but holy sweet rotten ass holes. I cant believe that happend to you. It sounds like to me, that you might need to go over her head. I dont think you should loose your job because she has her won issues and prolly realizes you should be doing her job, and she is threatend by that. so i say eff her with a hot banana and go to work tom, and tell her i am not quiting ant the only way you are getting rid of me is if you fire me yourself like she tried to do in the first place…. ie this is key so you can get unemployment. rock on bean and keep on doing what your doing!

  4. So glad I made it over here, before you changed your mind.

    I just quit a PT job I had, teaching cooking classes b/c the lady in charge was a freakin’ nut who treated people like garbage.

    Yeah. NO thanks.

    The thing is…she’s still there, and I’m the one out of the job.

  5. Writing. I think you are going to need something in writing. Tell her that you need a written dismissal for, uh, students loans (?!?!?!) if you must but…yeah. In writing or it didn’t happen, lady.

    Of course, I believe you should take your considerable talents far away from this she-beast, but I also understand little things like mortgage and food.

  6. I really don’t have time to read this, BLYTHE, when I could be counting all of the surplus money I have. Do you know what it’s like to have so much money and so many jobs that I can’t keep track of it all? You should put yourself in my shoes before you invitee to read about you firing yourself.

    Seriously, insecurities are the root of our evil behaviors and Boss Lady must be very threatened. OR she’s a midget porn star and was tipped off to your blog??

    Good Luck

  7. Lord dog, what a mess. I am so sorry you’re going through this uncertainty.

    And some day I’ll have to tell you in person about the last time I was fired from a job. I was able to get revenge on my awful boss in a lovely way.

  8. Heather Hitchcock
    April 20th, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Oh no! I’m so sorry! That totally, totally sucks, especially since you’re so awesome. That boss lady doesn’t know what a great person she’s letting go. Obviously you don’t want to work with dumb people.

    Since you’ve technically been let go, I’d contract for a new price on these projects she has coming up that no one knows how to do but you. Consultant fees run pretty damn high, right? RIGHT!

    I know it’s tough right now and you feel like shit, but it will work out for the best.

  9. This absolutely sucks. Sucks so hard! I got laid off my last full-time job AND broken up with by someone in similar fashions, basically saying things that made it seem as though I was doing the dirty work. The only good thing about it was I at least got severance pay out of one of those situations, but, oh, yes, I did the ugly cry with both. I truly hope things work out for you. I really, really do.

  10. Please congratulate her for inspiring a new spin-off LTYD! (Dildo)

  11. Beej, you are so inconsiderate in not thinking how it would affect *her*. It must of been horrible for *her* to have to sit through that. *SARCASM* She is a major Jackhole. They don’t deserve you. THEY suck. You are amazing and will hopefully find something way better, really soon. Good luck.

  12. I can’t add too much to what has already been said but this BLOWS. I agree with Cherie, get it in writing and don’t make it easy for her.

  13. THAT WHORE.
    Point me toward her kneecaps, then we’ll see what’s WHAT.

    ….unless you’d just rather I come give you a triumphant piggyback ride out of there. Because, you know, we can swing that too.

  14. I’m uh…sorry. Confused. Annoyed. And confused. Wtf.

  15. Sheesh. The world is so full of assholes, I’m sorry to hear this beej.

  16. I had a really cool boss where I used to work and then the company went public and he cashed in all of his shares and moved to another state to do something really awesome that he wanted to do. So, there I was and they promoted someone and made me have her as a boss and she told me during my review, “(Your last boss) did you a great disservice by allowing you to believe you could be so valuable.” I was 7 months pregnant and couldn’t quit or trick myself into being fired, which she clearly was trying to make me do. I decided to never to go back after my maternity leave. BEST DECISION EVER. They ended up needing three people to take over my responsibilities.

    Lesson there? Don’t want to be where you’re not appreciated. You are going to figure this one out. Some of life’s best results begin with the “ugly cry”. :)

  17. What. The fuck. That is the most passive-aggressive thing I have EVER heard of, and I work for the King of all hissy fits. GET OUT, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!

    And, um, do what you love and the money will follow, or something.

    S, eriouslyI just went through this and it blows. I start a new job on Mondayafter a REALLY long hunt. I hope you get something good soon.

  18. What in holy hell? This woman is crazy. Crazy bosses are the pits! I hope that something fantastic comes your way. And soon. xo

  19. I got fired once. well, ok, three times. Fine. None of them were fun. In fact, each one of them sucked. MEGA sucked. Keep your chin up. But yes, it’s confusing and weird that the mega beeeeeech told you to come back to talk tomorrow. Strange. Anywho, just try riding the unemployment train for a while, save money on gas, and think about all the stuff that blows that you’re totally getting away from. Door closed, window opened, yadda yadda, spring and flowers and sunshine. It’ll be ok. It’s just money. You’ll get more. Eventually. Hey, maybe this is the time to start your life coach business and print your little “stop being an asshole!” stickers. I bet you could even talk her into being your first client. I have faith that you are indeed THAT crafty.

  20. I’m going to have to read that again so I understand better. I’m so sorry. Losing a job sucks no matter how it happened.

  21. What. The. Fuck.

    Dude, don’t lie. She’s all sipping the same tea as Rick Perry, right?

    Clearly, she’s intimidated by your awesome.

    And by intimidated, I mean she’s a looney fucking toon.

    I wonder…if we dropped an anvil on her head would she do the squishy cartoony thing? It’s probably not manslaughter if it’s in the name of science.

  22. I used to hate my old job. I had this boss that was absolutely tyrannical. But if I hadn’t had that terrible boss, I’d probably still be there with my vague sense of dissatisfaction and no courage to go anywhere instead of having decided, “This sucks ASS, I will now proceed to learn all kinds of new skills and job-hunt my nuts off,” and landing the sweet, sweet gig I have now. Sometimes karma/the Universe/nature/whatever sends us a gift in the form of a boot to the ass. This can be a gateway to better stuff, but at the very least, you don’t have to work for a sucky boss in a sucky place anymore, and you’d be amazed at what you can accomplish when that is the case!

  23. I just recently found your website- funny, authentic and entertaining. I feel really uncomfortable making this my first comment, but I have to ask this even though it’s rude. When she said that she would talk to you tomorrow, she obviously thinks that you’re coming back. Fired people don’t come back; they box up their personal crap and get escorted from the building by guards. I think that she passively/aggressively unfired you by saying that she would talk to you tomorrow. This is even more crappy because you are now in firing limbo. No one deserves to be treated like this. As far as your website goes, it’s a great litmus test; if a potential employer can’t see the humor in it “F*ck em!” You don’t reveal identities, and your comments aren’t nasty and mean-spirited just funny and observant. I hope that you find a job that appreciates all you have to offer as a writer and a person.

  24. This is the first time I have visited your blog. I found it through Blog Her. You are hysterical! I will definitely be a regular visitor here. I love the way you “speak”

  25. I know jobs are nice and all, but do you really want to spend your days working for this not-entirely stable woman? On the other hand, the entertainment value of tormenting her psyche does have some appeal.

    My son was regularly bullied by a classmate. When I finally caught the bully with some incontrovertible evidence his mother called me to “apologize,” but mostly talked about how hard things are for her kid. I felt like she was trying to convince me that everything was my son’s fault.

  26. Holy crap! Everyone is right. That is passive-aggressive behavior at it’s best. Maybe if you talk to her later you can tell her how sorry you are that the business will inevitably fail (because you’re leaving of course) and that if she needs any encouragement you have a person you know that she could call that could coach her through this moment in time.

  27. OH MY GOD!!! I don’t why it’s so much worse when one of us acts so badly in the work place. It’s not that men can’t act like complete jerks but it’s so much worse when women act like such asshats.

  28. If u had tape recorded the whole thing or had a camera someplace recording this you could always sue her.

  29. I can TOTALLY relate to being a loud cryer. And, there’s nothing shittier than doing it at work. So sorry. If you can get crazy new boss lady to somehow sexually harass you, you might have a case. (fist in the air) Stay strong, sister.

  30. Oh this sucks big time. Hope it’s resolving itself positively. Maybe she’ll rethink, now she sees the awesome power of your crying. I always find it makes an impact. Do you do red nose and swollen eyes? Way better.
    Seriously though mate, feeling for you. Surely there’s something about warnings and performance appraisal that would apply here?

  31. Wow, that’s just… awful. And horrifying. And – god help me – funny as hell. I’m sorry — I’m not laughing at you (honest!) but the fact that you can write a story in which you get fired and are reduced to an ugly cry and yet I still come away from it with a smile on my face?

    That’s some weird writing magic, right there.

  32. Holy shit. Is there a watch list you can add her to?

  33. I agree with so many before me. Get it in writing. Show up until she makes you leave. Collect unemployment and talk to the Labor Board.

    But mostly? (if it’s still relevant after two weeks) Pay some guy with a white van $50 to park across the street from your office for a week, in view of the greatest number of people possible. Every morning at dawn put up a poster of a different quote of hers on the van. Then clue in key coworkers to laugh and point and whisper about it all day.

    Or not, I’m out of ideas.

  34. So, has New Boss Lady Googled you?

    Just curious.

    Wearing my HR Professional’s hat for a moment, I, uh, I don’t know what to make of all that. All I can think of is that scene from Seinfeld where Kramer goes to work but isn’t employed by that place and the boss is riding his ass about something and then says “you’re fired!” And Kramer says “I don’t even work here!” And the boss says, “That’s what makes this so difficult.”

    Keep us posted?

  35. How horrible. Having had a slew of incredibly bad bosses myself, it’s nice to know it’s not just me. How is it that these idiotic bastards get promoted to these positions? What have they got that we haven’t, besides sibling parents?

  36. Beej, I think you should write a book. Seriously. And if you did write a book, I would so buy it, and everyone knows how much I love to read and how discriminating my taste is. This is probably not the time to mention that I am reading the series Game of Thrones, which is where your previously discussed Whoring Midget comes from….but after all we are talking about you and not me, right? Right!

    So, about that book thing…..you should really get on that….

    Love to you always and always,

    Jen’s big sister and Sophia’s Aunt Sue Sue

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