So there’s this new show on HBO about royal families in some kind of weird medieval fantasy world, I forget what it’s called but it’s got a horny dwarf who whores his way around the countryside and another guy who likes giving the meat to his twin sister, which is just ALL KINDS of ick but also kind of disturbingly hot and yes, I realize this makes me a total perv but if you’ve seen the show you know I speak the truth. Everyone on that show is ridiculously fuckable, related or not. Hell, I’d even bone the midget. Wait. What?

hot midget

Anyway, I’m not writing this to tell you about the Fuck Happy Dwarves and Siblings show on HBO. Of course I’m not! That would be ridiculous! No, I’m writing to tell you about how the can’t-tear-my-eyes-away-ity of THAT show doesn’t even hold a 10-foot dildo-shaped candle to the decade-old episode of Real Sex I happened to catch the other night, thanks to an extra flippy remote finger and blazing case of insomnia. Because as mesmerizing as randy midgets and fucktastic brother/sister combos are, they can’t even come close to the train wreck that is Real Sex #127, or whatever episode it was that introduced me to the glorious wonders of “Pony Play.” Now, you might hear “Pony Play” and think I’m talking about those shows you can see down in Tijuana (you know the ones I mean, don’t play innocent) — but I’m not. Even I have my limits. I mean, yeah, okay, my “Hey Now THAT’s Just Going Too Far” line *might* be *slightly* ill-defined, but one thing I do know for sure is that actual horse-fucking is way, way, WAY past even the most distant of that line’s jagged outer edges. No, the HBO version of Pony Play doesn’t involve any actual horses at all. It’s just people. PRETENDING to be horses. And dressing up in custom-made leatherwear designed to look like horse heads and tails, with bridles and saddles and shit. And meeting up periodically to run around in the woods riding each other and making horse noises. And feeding each other apples and brushing each others’ “manes” and pretending to hammer horseshoes onto each other while they whinny and nuzzle with their pretend horse noses. I am totally not shitting you. It’s pretty much the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen, and definitely NOT HOT AT ALL. So there I was at 2 in the morning, Big Bean snoring next to me, with Real Sex #257 on the TV and my eyes like this: And since now there was no way I would be able to sleep (maybe ever again) I decided to investigate. All I can say is thank GOD for the Internet. Because thanks to the Internet I now know that there’s a whole subculture of this bizarrity out there, with entire events centered around it and web sites dedicated to it and communities of people who call themselves horse names like Trigger and I swear I’d STILL be clicking around to find more if I didn’t have a four-year-old who *might* wonder why mommy is on the computer looking at this — …and start asking questions that I’m just really, REALLY not prepared to answer.

So I held my horses. Reined myself in. Stopped beating the dead horse. (SNORT.) But not before I wrote this post, so all of my readers (hi Mom, hi Dad) could also know the pleasure that is… Pony Play.

I have no idea. I really don’t.

You’re welcome.

Love,

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31 Responses to “Midgets, Incest and Pony Play – Just Another Run of the Mill Blog Post Here at The Bean”

  1. I think that’s the barn cat. All barns have them, except they’re smaller, less shiny, and a tad bit less creepy. Also I do not think they wear ballet flats, but I just live in Georgia. Barn cat fashion could be way ahead of us in upstate New York.

  2. Well shove a riding crop up my ass and call me Ed. That’s just about th weirdest thing Ive ever seen.

  3. I’m crying over here, like laughing and sobbing and totally hate you for those last two images burned into my brain forever and ever.

  4. Sadly, I have stumbled across that episode in the past as well.

  5. I’m speechless. Really. I have absolutely nothing to say, but I am commenting anyway just so you know that somehow, even with this, I am still not offended.

    I really, honestly, may be unoffendable.

  6. Well I’m now seriously bummed that I don’t get HBO, because I totally want to check that show out and I can’t believe you never saw Real Sex before – cuz Pony Play is like the mild stuff – and now of course any time someone says pony I know I am going to just burst out laughing. Thanks for the great posts!

  7. I can tell who the problem is: it’s Red Frizzy PONY Tail. She’s the instigator and the enabler of all this horseplay. I’m absolutely certain I won’t be shaking hands with any redheads ever again, just in case it might be HER. She. Whatever.

    Also? Not offended. Just confused. And suddenly distrustful of my barn cats.

  8. That blue duct tape or whatever it is looks to be having some issues with structural integrity.

  9. Just wait until you see Real Sex #209 where you’ll see chubby nudists/CPAs on sex swings.

  10. This afternoon, i was driving back from Old Hickory Lake and went past a bucolic pasture. There about a half-dozen horses and three or four goats, a young colt was frolicking, chasing a young goat around in circles. If only i had read your post beforehand. It would not have been anywhere near as sappy a scene to me.

  11. great, just great. a couple more things my poor eyes can’t unsee. especially the aqua blue zebra rat thing at the end; i mean what the fuck is that?! anyone? bueller?

  12. Oh.

    My.

    God.

  13. As a psychobabbler, I thought I had heard it all. I stand corrected.

  14. WHAT. THE. HELL?!?!?!?!?! Now my eyes look like yours.

  15. I would like to direct you to Season Three of Bones, I think circa episode 5, wherein the murder takes place in a pony play community. Which is the only reason I know about this subculture, and also it is a totally sweet episode. But yes. Watch it!

  16. Oh, plus and also, you should totally read A Song of Ice and Fire, which is the book series A Game of Thrones is based on. Also also, I am WITH YOU on the hotness of Peter Dinklage, aka the guy who plays Tyrion Lannister. As in, I had a dream last week about being in love with him in the GoT world.

    Have I mentioned lately that my brain is fucked up? Because YES.

  17. I can’t unsee those things. Ever.

    And as weird and raunchy as those HBO & Showtime shows are, they are so effing good. We lived by the Tudors.

  18. Wait…what?…NO…really?!! …I gotta get me HBO!

  19. Thank you thank you thank you. My life is now complete.

  20. Can I pretend I never read about the Pony Play part of your post (even though I read every word) and just say how I’m totally getting HBO now?

  21. My eyes are burning…. burning fire ouch ouch ouch! Make it stop!

    That is real sex? Blue gloves, gas mask, ugly people, riding crop? That is not how we do it, so we are missing out on some stuff which I am so grateful for, and man have we wasted a lot of whipping cream over the years…

  22. What the hell? Seriously people? What the hell?

    MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!

  23. Oh.Dear.God.

    ………..

    Sorry, I just went to wash my eyes.

    People are just really, really, really bizarre.

    I just puked in my mouth a little with that last picture.

    Came by way of Kludgy Mom and despite what I just said above, I’m glad. Cos you’re a funny lady. :)

  24. Clicked over from gigi’s place. Um. This is so brilliantly bizarre, I’m gonna go ahead and call you my newest stalking victim.

  25. Whoa! This is news to me. I’m still freaked out about the whole furry/plushy sub-culture.
    http://www.rickcastro.com/plushies.html

  26. It’s like you tempted us into your post with the midgets then threw acid in our eyes. You are sneaky.

  27. I will never look at My Little Pony the same way again. It’s ruined, I tell you, ruined. I’m not even going to try and figure out what makes those people tick, at least they were smiling, so here’s to them. I need to go drink some vodka now. Oh, and the books are much better “The Game of Thrones”. My 19 year old is reading them and say’s they’re fairly good and she’s not normal so they must be good.

  28. How about in Game of Thrones the lady who breast feeds her 10 year old son. Ew, completely disturbing. I told my husband “just so you know a boob that had been breast fed off of that long would NOT still look like that. It would be a saggy little raisin.” He said, “even I know THAT!” Hollywood! I wonder how long it took blue cat lady to get into that suit.

  29. Well, there went my other retina.

    Dammit Beej, now I’m going to have to sign up for a seeing-eye dog. Hmmmm, I wonder if there are seeing-eye horses?

  30. Ahhh there was an episode about this on Psych or Monk or something like that. Terrifying. I think my horse name is going to be Rapidash.

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