Bejewell on September 21st, 2011

Me and Client, 6 months ago

ME: Hi, Client! Here’s your stuff!

CLIENT: This is great! You’re the best copywriter in the history of the world! Will you marry me and have little badass writing ninja babies?

ME: Actually, no.

CLIENT: Oh, well. Okay. I’ll just go ahead and pay you through Chase’s Online QuickPay system instead.

ME: Great! Thank you!

CLIENT: No, thank YOU. For being so amazing and fabulous and doing work that brings tears to my eyes.

ME: Um, yeah. You bet.

Me and Chase Bank, the next day

CHASE: Hi! You have money! You’ll have to set up an account through our awesome QuickPay system, but don’t worry. It’s super easy and convenient and once you sign up angels will sing and candy will fly out of everyone’s asses, and the world will be filled with shiny rainbows and things that smell good.

ME: Well, that just sounds wonderful! Here’s my information!

CHASE: Oh, sorry, we’ll need a little more than that. You’ll have to create a username and security passcode.

ME: Sure, I can do that. How about this username?

CHASE: No, that one’s taken.

ME: Oh, okay. How about this one?

CHASE: Nope.

ME: Hmm. This one, maybe?

CHASE: Dude. NO.

ME: Dammit! What can I pick, then?

CHASE: Well, the only usernames that aren’t already taken are the really shitty ones that no one else wanted. Try one of those.

ME: Hmm. ChaseEatsMonkeyAss1234?

CHASE: Perfect! Okay, now all you need is a security passcode.

ME: Okay. How about this one?

CHASE: No, that’s too short.

ME: Hmm. What about this?

CHASE: Too long.

ME: Um… this one?

CHASE: No, you have to include at least one number, one letter, an asterisk, ampersand, grandmother’s maiden name, the date of your first period, SAT score and the initials of the first guy you ever slept with. But it can’t be more than 12 characters.

ME: Oh. Well, I guess okay… Here you go.

CHASE: Terrific! Also, now that we have your email address you can expect almost-daily emails from us about bullshit that you will never need or want.

ME: (awkward pause) Can I have my money now?

Me and Client, 6 months later

CLIENT: Hey, thanks for doing more work for me! You’re really, really awesome. Like, really. Like, seriously, the best writer I’ve ever seen or heard of. You’re like David Sedaris, or Stephen King — but with a great rack. I’m kind of surprised you haven’t won a Pulitzer yet, or been asked to pose for Playboy. I’ll nominate you for both tonight, but in the meantime I’m sending you some more money. Through Chase QuickPay, like before. Okay?

ME: Sure, that’s great! I can‘t imagine anything going wrong with this scenario!

Me and Chase Bank, yesterday:

CHASE: Yooo hooo! Remember me?

ME: Of course I do. Even if I wanted to forget you I couldn’t, because of the million daily emails you send about shit I have absolutely no interest in whatsoever. Do you have my money?

CHASE: Yeeeoooouubetcha! Go ahead and log in and it’s all yours! All we need is your username and security passcode.

ME: Ummm….

CHASE: You DO know your username and passcode – RIGHT?!?!?

ME: Well…

CHASE: Surely you’re not so stupid that you would’ve created a username and security passcode six months ago and not be able to remember it now.

ME: (giggling) Hey, don’t call me Shirley!

CHASE: (not laughing) Not kidding.

ME: (looking sheepish)

CHASE: God. What an idiot. Let’s start slow. Try to remember your username.

ME: Okay… hmm… is it this?

CHASE: No, really. TRY.

ME: Okay. This?

CHASE: Are you fucking with me?

ME: No! I’m really trying but this is hard!!

CHASE: (snickering) That’s what she said.

ME: Not funny. Okay. Hmm… I’m pretty sure it had something to do with a monkey’s ass…

CHASE: Look, obviously you’re not taking this seriously. I’m putting you in time out.

ME: No, wait! Please! How can I get my money?!

CHASE: Well, okay. It’s actually really easy. Just enter your username and security passcode.

ME: But I don’t remember my username and security passcode!!

CHASE: Oh. Huh. I guess you could go over here and enter some information to retrieve it…

ME: Great! (clicking over to new useless Chase web page) Okay, here I am! Can you help me? I can’t remember my username and security passcode.

CHASE: Sure, we can help you! All we’ll need to retrieve your information is your username and security passcode.

ME: (confused) But I don’t remember my username and security passcode.

CHASE: Oooooohh…are you sure?

ME: Yes, I’m sure.

CHASE: Well, then. Looks like you’re pretty much fucked.

Me and Chase Bank Customer Service, phone call this morning

CHASE: Hello, thanks for calling! Just enter your Chase account number and we’ll be glad to connect you with someone who can help you!

ME: Um, I don’t have an account with Chase.

CHASE: (stone cold silence)

ME: But I still need help! Can someone help me? Please?

CHASE: (haughty tone) One moment.

(shitty hold music)

ME: (waiting)

(more shitty hold music)

ME: (more waiting)

(Michael Bolton)

ME: (considering murder)

(J. Lo)

ME: (considering suicide)

CHASE: Hi, how can I help you?

ME: Hi there. Listen, I don’t have an account with Chase but—

CHASE: Wait — you don’t have an account with Chase?

ME: No, but I—

CHASE: Why don’t you have an account with Chase?

ME: Because I bank somewhere else.

CHASE: So, you’re not an account holder?

ME: No, but I—

CHASE: Hold, please.

(Enrique Iglesias)

(Michael Buble)

(Kenny G)

ME: (sharpening large knife to stab self in eye)

CHASE: Okay. Before we begin I should warn you that this call may be recorded for quality purposes. It may also involve tragically horrible customer service that will not actually help you in any conceivable way.

ME: Huh. Okay.

CHASE: So whassup?

ME: Well, I need to log in to get my money but I can’t remember my username and security passcode.

CHASE: Oh, is that all?

ME: Yes! So there’s an easy solution?

CHASE: No.

ME: Really?

CHASE: Really.

ME: So you’re saying there’s absolutely NO WAY, AT ALL, for me to log in to get my money that someone already paid me.

CHASE: Well, you can create a new account, I guess.

ME: Great! Let’s do that!

CHASE: Okay, you’ll need a new email address.

ME: But the money was sent to me using THIS email address.

CHASE: Yes, but that email address already has an account.

ME: But THAT’S where the money has been sent! To THAT account!! Which I now cannot get to!

CHASE: (silence)

ME: Well… okay… I guess let’s use this other email address.

CHASE: Got it. What bank account would you like to use for this email address?

ME: The same bank account I used before.

CHASE: Would you like to open a Chase account?

ME: No, I’d like to use MY bank account.

CHASE: Yeah, you can’t do that.

ME: Wha– Why?

CHASE: That bank account’s already been assigned to another email address.

ME: But that is my bank account. I don’t have another bank account.

CHASE: You could always open up a new Chase account!

ME: I would rather be fed to wild boars and then cut from their bowels and set on fire than start a bank account with you.

CHASE: Well, then you really are fucked, aren’t you?

ME: This is crazy! Can I talk to a supervisor?

CHASE: No.

ME: Can I talk to someone in QuickPay?

CHASE: No.

ME: CAN ANYONE THERE HELP ME GET MY MONEY?!?!?!

CHASE: No.

ME: I hate you.

CHASE: (evil smile, twisting mustache)

ME: I really, really hate you.

CHASE: (hangs up)

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18 Responses to “Chase Bank Customer Service Murders Puppies and Crushes Souls”

  1. that is why your username needs to be the one I use for work: Ifuckinghateyouall

    I NEVER forget it.

  2. I bet this bullshit never happens to Sedaris. OR Holly Madison.

  3. I’m with Kelley.

    That is some B.S., Beej.

  4. Nightmare from hell…I feel for ya…

  5. Dude, that totally sucks. I can totally picture them twisting their mustache….and counting your money. Hope you get it soon.

  6. Ha!! This was hilarious but very, very, VERY tragic. Too bad Chase can’t be physically chased by a ravenous T-Rex that spews your money when it dies after eating that stupid bank.

  7. I TOTALLY understand this. I really REALLY hate dealing with customer service types. And they, apparently hate dealing with me as well.

    Also? Shitty hold music and Michael Bolton are synonymous.

  8. I’m thinking no one, but NO ONE, could write a stinging venomous screed like Beej could. Line for line, on Twitter, 140 characters at a time (minus #ChaseBank EVERY time).

    Something along the lines of, “Dear #ChaseBank, no one I have ever met will ever bank with you now that I’ve printed up and distributed CHASE BANK CAN SUCK IT t-shirts…yada yada…burn in Hell…over my dead body…torches and pitchforks.”

    Well, you can do it so much better. Let me know when and where to show up with my pitchfork.

  9. I have had very similar issues with Chase customer service. I wrote a blog about it, but I could never be as eloquent as you :) . Thanks for the laughs, I seriously felt every painful step in your journey through Chase Bank hell.

  10. This is sadly reminiscent of a phone call I had with the folks at PayPal. And dammit, there is still $57.92 in that account that I can’t get to, because I closed the bank account associated with it, and forgot my username and password.

    Mental note to self: Cross Chase Bank off of your list of “next banks to hate!”

  11. OMG – I can relate to this! Try dealing with insurance companies and MEDICAID everyday….the SAME BS!

  12. I shall punch someone straight in the twat, if you’d like.

  13. You’re back, haven’t lost your touch, and i am glad. And thank you because i thought this shit just happened to old people like me.

  14. I would so tweet to them because I tell you when we tweet “they” answer quick!

    No on wants to be talked about bad out on the internet *gasp*

    Still gave me the giggles though – thanks!

  15. If there’s a silver lining to this situation, it’s that an awesome blog post came from it.

  16. When ever someone uses a website to pay me, I remember my log in information especially if its at no cost to me. So your unhappy with a free service. Why am i not surpised? Hey, this just came to me! if your unhappy with the service then don’t use it! Yes, just like any bank whether you are a customer or not, they need to verify you. If they cannot, then they will not provide any information. I understand you are upset. What if I called your bank and threatened to create a blog about them because they would not provide me any information on your account. I am sooooo livid that I cannot get any information, and finally someone is tired of dealing with me that they give me your account number even though i am not a customer with YOUR BANK. What are you going to do then? Banks need to verify you before providing account specific information because fraudsters ruined everything.

  17. Excellent post. I used to be checking constantly this weblog and I am inspired! Extremely useful information specifically the final phase :) I maintain such information much. I was seeking this certain information for a long time. Thank you and good luck.

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