Me and Client, 6 months ago
ME: Hi, Client! Here’s your stuff!
CLIENT: This is great! You’re the best writer I’ve ever seen! Will you marry me and have little badass writing ninja babies?
ME: Actually, no.
CLIENT: Oh, well. Okay. I’ll just go ahead and pay you through Chase’s Online QuickPay system instead.
ME: Great! Thank you!
CLIENT: No, thank YOU. For being so amazing and fabulous and doing work that brings tears to my eyes.
ME: Um, yeah. You bet.
Me and Chase Bank, the next day
CHASE: Hi! You have money! You’ll have to set up an account through our awesome QuickPay system, but don’t worry. It’s super easy and convenient and once you sign up angels will sing and candy will fly out of everyone’s asses, and the world will be filled with shiny rainbows and things that smell good.
ME: Well, that just sounds wonderful! Here’s my information!
CHASE: Oh, sorry, we’ll need a little more than that. You’ll have to create a username and security passcode.
ME: Sure, I can do that. How about this username?
CHASE: No, that one’s taken.
ME: Oh, okay. How about this one?
ME: Hmm. This one, maybe?
CHASE: Dude. NO.
ME: Dammit! What CAN I pick, then?
CHASE: Well, the only usernames that aren’t already taken are the really shitty ones that no one else wanted. Try one of those.
ME: Hmm. ChaseEatsMonkeysAsses?
CHASE: Perfect! Okay, now all you need is a security passcode.
ME: Okay. How about this one?
CHASE: No, that’s too short.
ME: Hmm. What about this?
CHASE: Too long.
ME: Um… this one?
CHASE: No, you have to include at least one number, one letter, an asterisk, ampersand, grandmother’s maiden name, the date of your first period, SAT score and the initials of the first guy you ever slept with. But it can’t be more than 12 characters.
ME: Oh. Well, I guess okay… Here you go.
CHASE: Terrific! Also, now that we have your email address you can expect almost-daily emails from us about bullshit that you will never need or want.
ME: (awkward pause) Can I have my money now?
Me and Client, 6 months later
CLIENT: Hey, thanks for doing more work for me! You’re really, really awesome. Like, really. Like, the best writer I’ve ever seen or heard of. You’re like David Sedaris, or Stephen King — but with a great rack. I’m kind of surprised you haven’t won a Pulitzer yet, or been asked to pose for Playboy. I’ll nominate you for both tonight, but in the meantime I’m sending you some more money. Through Chase QuickPay, like before. Okay?
ME: Sure, that’s great! I can‘t imagine anything going wrong with this scenario!
Me and Chase Bank, yesterday:
CHASE: Hey! Remember me?
ME: Of course I do. Even if I wanted to forget you I couldn’t, because of the ridiculous number of emails you send me daily about shit I have absolutely no interest in whatsoever. Do you have my money?
CHASE: Yeeeoooouubetcha! Go ahead and log in and it’s all yours! All we need is your username and security passcode.
CHASE: You DO know your username and passcode – RIGHT?!?!?
CHASE: Surely you’re not so stupid that you would have created a username and security passcode six months ago and not be able to remember it now.
ME: (giggling) Hey, don’t call me Shirley!
CHASE: (not laughing) Not kidding.
ME: (looking sheepish)
CHASE: God. What an idiot. Let’s start slow. Try to remember your username.
ME: Okay… hmm… is it this?
CHASE: No, really. TRY.
ME: Okay. This?
CHASE: Are you fucking with me?
ME: No! I’m really trying but this is hard!!
CHASE: (snickering) That’s what she said.
ME: Hmm… I’m pretty sure it had something to do with monkey asses…
CHASE: Look, obviously you’re not taking this seriously. I’m putting you in time out.
ME: No, wait! Please! How can I get my money?!
CHASE: Well, okay. It’s actually really easy. Just enter your username and security passcode.
ME: But I don’t remember my username and security passcode!!
CHASE: Oh. Huh. I guess you could go over here and enter some information to retrieve it…
ME: Great! (clicking over to new useless Chase web page) Okay, here I am! Can you help me? I can’t remember my username and security passcode.
CHASE: Sure, we can help you! All we’ll need to retrieve your information is your username and security passcode.
ME: (confused) But I don’t remember my username and security passcode.
CHASE: Oooooohh…are you sure?
ME: Yes, I’m sure.
CHASE: Well, then. Looks like you’re pretty much fucked.
Me and Chase Bank Customer Service, phone call this morning
CHASE: Hello, thanks for calling! Just enter your Chase account number and we’ll be glad to connect you with someone who can help you!
ME: Um, I don’t have an account with Chase.
CHASE: (stone cold silence)
ME: But I still need help! Can someone help me? Please?
CHASE: (haughty tone) One moment.
(shitty hold music)
(more shitty hold music)
ME: (more waiting)
ME: (considering murder)
ME: (considering suicide)
CHASE: Hi, how can I help you?
ME: Hi there. Listen, I don’t have an account with Chase but—
CHASE: Wait — you don’t have an account with Chase?
ME: No, but I—
CHASE: Why don’t you have an account with Chase?
ME: Because I bank somewhere else.
CHASE: So, you’re not an account holder?
ME: No, but I—
CHASE: Hold, please.
ME: (sharpening large knife to stab self in eye)
CHASE: Okay. Before we begin I should warn you that this call may be recorded for quality purposes. It may also involve tragically horrible customer service that will not actually help you in any conceivable way.
ME: Huh. Okay.
CHASE: So whassup?
ME: Well, I need to log in to get my money but I can’t remember my username and security passcode.
CHASE: Oh, is that all?
ME: Yes! So there’s an easy solution?
ME: So you’re saying there’s absolutely NO WAY, AT ALL, for me to log in to get my money that someone already paid me.
CHASE: Well, you can create a new account, I guess.
ME: Great! Let’s do that!
CHASE: Okay, you’ll need a new email address.
ME: But the money was sent to me using THIS email address.
CHASE: Yes, but that email address already has an account.
ME: But THAT’S where the money has been sent! To THAT account!! Which I now cannot get to!
ME: Well… okay… I guess let’s use this other email address.
CHASE: Got it. What bank account would you like to use for this email address?
ME: The same bank account I used before.
CHASE: Would you like to open a Chase account?
ME: No, I’d like to use MY bank account.
CHASE: Yeah, you can’t do that.
ME: Wha– Why?
CHASE: That bank account’s already been assigned to another email address.
ME: But that is my bank account. I don’t have another bank account.
CHASE: You could always open up a new Chase account!
ME: I would rather be fed to wild boars and then cut from their bowels and set on fire than start a bank account with you.
CHASE: Well, then you really are fucked, aren’t you?
ME: This is crazy! Can I talk to a supervisor?
ME: Can I talk to someone in QuickPay?
ME: CAN ANYONE THERE HELP ME GET MY MONEY?!?!?!
ME: I hate you.
CHASE: (evil smile, twisting mustache)
ME: I really, really hate you.
CHASE: (hangs up)