One of the things they don’t tell you before you have a kid is how your television will ultimately become an indispensible lifeline while simultaneously destroying all your values and everything you hold dear. Nickelodeon will eat your soul, then barf it up and leave it on the floor so later when you walk into the living room, you’ll slip in it and fall face-first into a pile of your own barfed-up soul, while those little iCarly assholes look down and mock you from your flat screen.

iCarly assholes

Seriously. I just want to watch a little SpongeBob, IS THAT SO WRONG?!?!  Sandy and Squidward are the shit, but they come at much too high a price.

The price of Justice, that is. VICTORIA Justice.

Victoria Justice

Just look at that picture. Are you kidding me right now? That so-called high school chick is early 30s if she’s a day. I don’t care WHAT Wikipedia says. She’s groomed within an inch of her life and wears hooker shoes (on trend? whatever. shoes like this are made for a ho and everyone knows it)

Ho shoes

and every 10 minutes she shows up, 50 inches tall and all ho-like in HD, to make me feel dirty and completely suck all the entertainment value out of awesome shows like FanBoy and Chum Chum and The Mighty B.

And now my 4-year-old son dances to My Best Friend’s Brother like he’s on fire, WITHOUT IRONY, and I’m pissed as hell.

YES, I could change the channel. YES, I could turn the TV off. But then I would miss out on moments like this:

(SpongeBob bouncing ball against wall repeatedly)

Mr. Krabs: What did I tell you about bouncing that ball, boy?

SpongeBob: Ummmmm, that you like it very much and I should keep doing it?

And that is simply unacceptable.

By the way, if you’re reading this right now and feeling smug, thinking, “Well, it’s your own fault… I never let my kid watch TV. We don’t even own a TV. My kid only reads books and does flash cards. And my kid could read by 18 months and cries when we turn off the NPR” —  Well, yeah. Fine. You’re a better parent than me. But you’re also an asshole, and your kid’s probably an asshole, too. So unless your asshole kid knows the words to Big Time Rush, shut your asshole mouth. It’s MY turn to be superior today. Kapeesh?

Big Time Rush assholes

Anyway, my point is, everyone on Nickelodeon is an asshole. And I want my son’s soul back. And mine, too. Because I just caught myself Freaking the Freak Out, complete with dance steps.

Fuck you guys. Just fuck you.

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23 Responses to “There’s Really No Point Here Except Maybe That I Hate Victoria Justice and Her Ass Face”

  1. Yes, but have you tried in vain yet to convince said child that Victorious did NOT in fact write and sing “I Want You Back” it was in fact Michael Jackson/Jackson 5. And then said sweet 7 year old girl locks herself in her room – leaving sweet soul slithering on the floor behind her – screaming that her mother doesn’t know ANYTHING about Victorious!

  2. This is brilliant and SPOT. ON. It’s like you are inside my brain!

    But also? The whole premise of iCarly gets on my nerves. Spencer is her guardian, yet he is a total moron. And they have their own Internet show? Because, you know, the Internet is a perfectly safe place for teenagers. Who have their own show. Out of their house. Predators wouldn’t EVER prey on that, right?

  3. *BIG sigh* I know ALL of the shows you mentioned, more than I should know them. My kids would Freak the Freak Out if I dared changed the channel. What happened to the good shows that nickelodeon used to play like ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’ and ‘Double Dare’. Those were the days. :)

  4. Le sigh. One of the things that irritates me most about these shows is the absolute absence of any intelligent adults. When I was a kid, I had “The Love Boat” and “Three’s Company” and (I’m really dating myself here) “Love American Style”. Sure, they were stupid, but there were no kids around pointing it out to them. Well, except for Vicky (Captain Stubing’s surprise illegitimate child), but she was so annoying I would never have modeled myself after her. I have to admit, though, Sam on iCarly is pretty funny, but of course, someone like me would think so.

  5. My kid – my 3 year old *loves* Shake It Up on the Disney Channel. Otherwise known as the show that will make me bleed from the ears, eyes and nose. I will bleed to death watching this shit because she screams if I even walk near the TV when it is on. Screams as in the neighbors called the cops once because they thought we were hurting her.

    She is 3. WTF? 3.

  6. My daughter gets nuts because my granddaughter and I will stay up watching iCarly marathons. (I love Sam. And Freddie’s just too wussy for her. And Spencer makes me laugh and needs a normal girlfriend. And I know way too much about the show.) And Big Time Rush is no worse than The Monkees. (Yup, I’m that old.) The kids that grew up on Lassie and Leave it to Beaver are doing 5 to 10 in federal prison for various monetary crimes. I hear Bernie Madoff loved Gilligan’s Island. Face it – we all grew up watching shows our parents hated. My mother’s main dislike – Dark Shadows. I can’t wait for the new Tim Burton movie with Johnny Depp.

  7. and i now know why i loved “Ruffin Ready” and his five o’clock show on WSM-TV in Nashville, Tennessee where Ruffin with powdered hair and fake white goatee would introduce the movie before the local news and John Cameron Schwaze and Timex (it just keeps on ticking) would give us the national and international news and the movie would be Roy Rogers, Gene Autry, or best, Bob Steele (who didn’t sing or play the guitar)beating up the bad guys fairly, winning the heart of the girl, and riding off into the sunset, and why i still love it and long for it and fuck Nickolodean, Virginian Justice, and even Spongebob: they don’t wear white hats, for chrissake.

  8. I *HATE* Victoria Justice. I could have written this post, except A) I’m not the writer you are, and B) I LOVE iCarly. I can’t help it. That show cracks me up. But, I have said all along that VJ has to be 30. In fact, we don’t even use her name in my house. We just call her the 30-year-old teenager. Her music is wretched. Everything about her annoys me. This is not the first time a topic has come from my heart to your virtual pen. Bless you, oracle.

  9. Asshole raising her hand right here. So glad none of this even makes sense to me. Except I used to sneak in Sponge Bob a few years back for myself…and eventually I will introduce my kids to Mr. Hankey…they laugh at their own poo so we are safe for now…

  10. I might have to get my Sponge Bob from the library, but THIS is why we don’t have cable/satellite/any actual TV

  11. You can do those dance steps? You’re a better woman than me Gunga Din.
    But, in defense of Nicklewhatever…at least the music clips aren’t soft porn, which the kids at my gym are all watching on MTV as their mothers pound the treadmills.
    And for the record. I was in love with my best friend’s brother and I still, sadly, get a little tingle when I see him at family occasions.

    Right, back to watching ‘The Love Boat’ and other crap but addictive US repeats on free digiTV…….

  12. I feel your pain.
    I would love to have sex with all the girls on iCarly and Victorious.
    Ah that is my lament, I am sure.
    So how is the weather?
    It depends.
    Is it good or bad?
    I don’t know.
    But back to Victorias ass face.
    Yes, I would sodomize her face with relish and musturd.
    Give me hope, give me cheer.

  13. Horribly, horribly true. I couldn’t agree more. However, it’s still worth 20 hours of crap to watch The Mighty B’s Bat Mitzvah Crashers for the 178th time.

  14. Okay, this is hilarious. We’re still on Blue’s Clues and Dora, but headed that way….

  15. I’m proud to say I’ve never seen nor heard of any of them! And I still have 2 teenage kids!

  16. The Nickelodeon boy bands are back, i don’t think anyones buying into it this time. Except maybe mtv

  17. I’m really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the format for your blog. Is this a paid subject or did you modify it yourself? Either way keep up the nice high quality writing, it is rare to peer a nice weblog like this one nowadays..

  18. I wrote a lengthy and scathing review of iCarly on after going through the tedious process of creating an account–and after typing and proofreading for an hour, my review never got posted.
    Being a writer, by nature, and a former newspaper reporter, I covered ALL the faults and illogic of iCarly using very specific examples to make my point.
    What IS funny about people being mean, rude, spiteful and even violent (Sam) toward each other, anyway?? And what kind of example is that setting for the show’s young viewers (or does no one care)?
    People on iCarly and Victorious do horrible things to each other, sometimes illegal and dangerous things, and there are never any consequences.
    I agree with the poster who wants to have sex with the girls on these Nickelodeon shows. Some of them chronically wear either very tight or very short outfits and I’m sure that’s deliberate. Consider the target audience, after all.
    I love your blog and I hate the ridiculous, recycled, regurgitated, unfunny, storylines of these horrible shows. I wish I could make a living writing about stuff like this. By the way, you will be pleased to know that I mailed a letter detailing my discontent to the staff and cast of iCarly but never heard back. I even included a self-addressed, stamped envelope.
    Go you!!

  19. You know, this person needs some mental help. Nickelodeon may be childish, but it is for kids. Or maybe your just a racist bitch who hates Nickelodeon because a black guy owns it. Big Time Rush, iCarly, and Victoria Justice are all successful. And clearly, your not making much of a life paying attention to other people’s lives and running this website full of excuses. Especially Big Time Rush. You might call them “assholes with stupid hair” and they play kinda stupid roles. But there just normal guys in their early twenties WITH talent. They might not be great dancers or the best actors, but they try; and they can sing. Now when were talking about Justin Bieber, we having something to hate on. The little faggot with sag pants and earrings is nothing much. But you have no excuse for what you just said, none at all. I know this ain’t going to change you….. you probably listen to a bunch of perverted rappers and all that….. But I say what I had to say. All of you depress me. Bye bitches.

  20. I would like to laugh at the troll for a moment, because, clearly, they have nothing better to do than, indeed troll.

    Anyways- I can totally agree about these shows being as some have said, “unfunny” and the fact they teach kids awful virtues. When I was babysitting my aunt’s kids a few years back, they were still in the stages of watching shows like “Max & Ruby” and other such shows. It was one night, after forcing myself to sit through a half hour of that garbage that I came to the realisation TV is teaching children awful virtues at such a young age. Which pairs up with your post about how these shows portray, indeed assholes. Haha.

    In short- I would definitely love to say thank you Beej, yet again for another laugh. Especially after a long Monday. Keep it up.

  21. I went to a Big Time Rush concert this summer, not on purpose. I didn’t die. I even liked it a little — okay, wait, that’s going too far. BUT watching their show would be about like ingesting rat poison.

    Love the sinner, hate the sin. I hope all of the aforementioned assholes grow up to be nice people who are mortified about their past lives. Even Victoria Justice, who is due to collect Social Security and senior discounts at IHOP any day now. And then they can stop bothering us. And the trolls can go back to The Land Of No Apostrophes in peace.

    Love The Beej, love The Bean.

  22. Um, 1. that Jenni chick should settle down. And learn the difference between you’re and your.

    2. the post what freaking hysterical and meant to be ranty and funny, so maybe Jenni should take up a collection to buy herself a sense of humor.

    3. I totally heart Spongebob.

  23. Please victoria is not a freakin ho . Shes a great person. Ya she tried smoking and drinking but she knows she did it and it was wrong. Shes a great person and there is no reason u should be talking shit about her.

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