One of the things they don’t tell you before you have a kid is how your television will ultimately become an indispensible lifeline while simultaneously destroying all your values and everything you hold dear. Nickelodeon will eat your soul, then barf it up and leave it on the floor so later when you walk into the living room, you’ll slip in it and fall face-first into a pile of your own barfed-up soul, while those little iCarly assholes look down and mock you from your flat screen.
Seriously. I just want to watch a little SpongeBob, IS THAT SO WRONG?!?! Sandy and Squidward are the shit, but they come at much too high a price.
The price of Justice, that is. VICTORIA Justice.
Just look at that picture. Are you kidding me right now? That so-called high school chick is early 30s if she’s a day. I don’t care WHAT Wikipedia says. She’s groomed within an inch of her life and wears hooker shoes (on trend? whatever. shoes like this are made for a ho and everyone knows it)
and every 10 minutes she shows up, 50 inches tall and all ho-like in HD, to make me feel dirty and completely suck all the entertainment value out of awesome shows like FanBoy and Chum Chum and The Mighty B.
And now my 4-year-old son dances to My Best Friend’s Brother like he’s on fire, WITHOUT IRONY, and I’m pissed as hell.
YES, I could change the channel. YES, I could turn the TV off. But then I would miss out on moments like this:
(SpongeBob bouncing ball against wall repeatedly)
Mr. Krabs: What did I tell you about bouncing that ball, boy?
SpongeBob: Ummmmm, that you like it very much and I should keep doing it?
And that is simply unacceptable.
By the way, if you’re reading this right now and feeling smug, thinking, “Well, it’s your own fault… I never let my kid watch TV. We don’t even own a TV. My kid only reads books and does flash cards. And my kid could read by 18 months and cries when we turn off the NPR” — Well, yeah. Fine. You’re a better parent than me. But you’re also an asshole, and your kid’s probably an asshole, too. So unless your asshole kid knows the words to Big Time Rush, shut your asshole mouth. It’s MY turn to be superior today. Kapeesh?
Anyway, my point is, everyone on Nickelodeon is an asshole. And I want my son’s soul back. And mine, too. Because I just caught myself Freaking the Freak Out, complete with dance steps.Stumble it!