Bejewell on November 2nd, 2011

IF YOU… I WILL…
Hold the door open for me… Thank you profusely.
Do NOT hold the door open for me… Thank you anyway, with dripping sarcasm.
Tell me what to do… Take great pleasure in doing exactly the opposite of whatever you just said.
Tell me I can’t do something… Prove you wrong.
Cut me off in traffic… Wait until I’m next to you again, then casually scratch my nose… with my middle finger.
Ask me what time it is… Answer with either, “MILLER TIME!” or “Time to make the donuts.”
Become famous simply because you have big tits, a big ass, big hair or big money… Never never never watch you on TV.
Apologize with sincerity… Accept, no questions asked.
Break my heart… Eventually get over it, but never really recover completely.
Make my son cry… FUCKING KILL YOU, then hate you forever. (Adults)

Imagine FUCKING KILLING YOU, shoot hate daggers at you with my eyes, then hate you forever. (Five-year-olds)

Insult me… Pretend it doesn’t bother me, go to the bathroom and cry, then avoid you like the plague.
Ignore me… Make a complete fool of myself as I try desperately to prove that I am worthy of your attention.
Are too nice to me… Be suspicious.
Intimidate me… Talk reallyreallyfastaboutnothing and make a lot of unnecessarily loud, stupid jokes, then admonish myself for WEEKS for being such an ass.
Compliment me… Feel uncomfortable.
Send me to voice mail… Leave a very long, rambly message wherein I repeat myself at least seven times, then finally identify myself just as it cuts me–
Make me laugh… Love you forever.
Marry me… Never leave you. At least, not for 15 years so far.
Are my friend… Be your friend for the rest of my life.
Hurt one of my friends… Come at you like a fucking spidermonkey on crack.
Play “She’s a Maniac”… Dance like a maniac.
Play “The Safety Dance”… Do the Safety Dance.
Play country music… Complain.
Play anything by Duran Duran… Bitterly recall (again) the story of how I was unceremoniously tossed out of the Duran Duran fan club at my school in the 5th grade.
Play anything by Aretha Franklin… Sing along loudly, and badly.
Unfriend me on Facebook Gasp, feel hurt, get mad, then block your ass forever even though you’ll never notice or care.
Leave a comment on this post… Like you.
Give me a deadline… Wait until the very last minute, then totally freak out and stay up all night to get it done, acting like a total asshole to anyone who dares to talk to me while I’m on deadline.
Drive past a cemetery with me in the car… Inform you that people are just DYING to get in there, then laugh hysterically.
Announce a great success… Be genuinely happy for you, but inside feel sad and terribly insecure about my own future.
Create something beautiful Fall in love with your talent and never forget how amazing you are.
Cry… Cry.
Fart… Laugh.
Fall down… Laugh, then ask if you’re okay.
Ask me what I’m making for dinner Laugh, then hand you the folder with the take-out menus.
Fire me from a job I hated anyway… Watch the traffic report every morning from my couch, in my pajamas, then laugh and laugh and laugh because I know you’re in it, and thank the universe that I don’t have to work for such a shitbag anymore.
Ask me what I’ll have to drink… Feel pressured to decide then just say Mexican Martini even though I don’t really want that.
Serve me three Mexican Martinis… Tell slurry stories with WAY too much information, yell inappropriate things at other people in the bar, show my underwear and probably fall down.
Slow dance with me… Step on your feet. Apologize profusely. Repeat.
Leave the TV on with The American President, Blind Side, Ocean’s 11 or anything with Cary Grant playing… Stay and watch it all the way through the credits, even though I’ve already seen it a million times.
Leave the TV on with any of the Twilight movies playing… Watch the whole damned thing and hate myself EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF IT.
Rush me… Leave the house without anything I actually need.
Tell me you need me… Be there.
Say anything during a home improvement project about caulk or the size of your hose…. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
Ask me if something is wet… THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
Talk about putting something in your mouth… THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
Discuss getting a piece of something… THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
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19 Responses to “Action:Reaction”

  1. I LOVE this. :)

  2. I’ve been witness to most of these reactions and react in much the same way myself.

  3. Right there with ya.

  4. This is one of your most endearing entries, as far as I’m concerned. I loved it!

  5. Jeezus! You are REALLY, REALLY kin to me.

  6. This is fabulous.

  7. This. is. awesome.

  8. I adore you. This post rocked my world. It left me thinking we should hang out more. (I watched Twilight again the other night. It made me feel both icky and awesome.)

  9. THIS:

    so clever.

    You are the best at thinking something new.

    I really liked this a lot.

  10. Re: Deadlines – Yes. Me too.

  11. The deadline thing. SO MUCH THE DEADLINE THING. I mean, I TRY to be organised*, but the internet is RIGHT THERE, and it’s not like all that TV is going to watch itself.

    *Lies.

  12. I totally do that with Twilight movies, too.

  13. You need to add what will happen if some douchebag pulls out a guitar at a party for a singalong.

  14. Dude, I want a yummy Mexican martini too!

    That’s what SHE said!

    Okay, I’ll share.

  15. A spider monkey on crack. Now THAT would be something to see…..

  16. Holy shit…I got sucked into one of those Twilight movies the other night…WTF?

    Yes, what the hell is a Mexican Martini???

    I also love that you laughed at the traffic report in your jammies…best.

  17. I’m late to the party, but I just had to say I love this list!

  18. Haha, that is hilarious stuff. Thanks for sharing it!

  19. THANK. YOU.

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