Bejewell on May 31st, 2008

I’m a big fan of Bravo’s Inside the Actor’s Studio — no matter how obsequious and affected host James Lipton might be, I’m still fascinated. 

My favorite part of the show is the questionnaire that Lipton poses to each guest toward the end of the interview – “zee questionnaire by Bear-nard Pi-VO,” as said in the most obnoxious French accent ever heard. 

(It always reminds me of local TV news anchors who pronounce any word of Spanish origin in thick “hot tamale” accent and then immediately return to the canned, generalized, “Middle American” non-regional voice they learned in broadcasting school.)

I’ve always wanted to answer Le Questionnaire, but I’m pretty sure no one will ever ask me to.  Let’s face it, my chances of appearing on Inside the Actor’s Studio are slimmer than less than zero plus none, especially given the fact that I don’t act (except when I tell my husband how much money I spent at the mall – that performance could earn me an Oscar).  And it’s not like anyone I hang out with even knows about the show or cares what my answers would be.

But their loss is your gain!!  This my chance to put it down, in writing, to live on for posterity.  Thank you, WordPress!

What is your favorite word? 

It’s a toss-up between two words (technically, three) – Please and Thank You.  Both represent something sadly lacking in the world of today – manners – and neither is used nearly enough.

What is your least favorite word?

I don’t think I have a least favorite word.  My least favorite phrase is “Allrighty, then,” but that’s just because the creepy dude in the cubicle next to me says it like, 40 times a day and makes me want to rip my hair out.

What sound or noise do you love? 

Lipton’s celebs often answer this question with “my child’s laughter” and I always thought that was such a lame answer – I mean, come on, use your imagination! 

But then I had a baby.  And, lame or not, it’s true.  That kid laughing is the best sound I have ever heard in my life.

What sound or noise do you hate?

The sound of a siren seems like a cliched choice, but in my case it’s “for reals.”  When we bought our house we failed to notice that it backed up to a busy street, which happens to be on the freakin’ emergency route for the local fire station.  Great for us if we have a fire, but annoying as hell when someone else does.  It’s not just the siren, but the fact that both our dogs like to sing along.

Also, any song by Nickelback would run a close second.  I actually prefer the dogs’ voices.

What turns you on?

A sense of humor.  And people who don’t make excuses or blame others when they fuck up. 

What turns you off?

Rudeness.  And people who take themselves too seriously.  Russell Crowe comes to mind.  Have some fun, dude!  You’re rich and successful - lighten up!

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

I’m interested in a lot of stuff, and I could be happy doing lots of things.  I would really love to write on a freelance basis – stuff that I enjoy writing instead of the technical junk I’m usually stuck with.  If I had the stones, I’d find a way to make it happen, but I have no idea where to start or what I’m doing. 

My BA is in History, but of course I chose the degree voted Least Likely to Get You a Job Unless You Have the Money and Time to Go On to Graduate School, so archeologist or historian are pretty much out. I’d love to do either if I could.

I’ve thought seriously about teaching and I still may do that at some point.  Who knows.

What profession other than yours would you NOT like to attempt?

Lots of Lipton’s guests say politician, but I really don’t think that would be such a bad gig – at least you have a platform to fight for something you believe in. 

The job I really think is the worst – at least in corporate America, where I work – is Receptionist or Secretary.  I was an admin for years, and it is by far the most over-worked, under-respected job in any company.  No matter how sharp you are, or how hard-working, you are ALWAYS the lowest man on the totem pole.  You can’t get ahead because everyone thinks of you as the lowly receptionist, and they always will.  You clean up after people, take care of them, and they basically shit all over you.  And the come-ons from older men thinking you’d be interested in some kind of “casting couch” equivalent are embarassing and uncomfortable. 

What is your favorite curse word?

I must admit that I curse a lot.  I’m trying to get better, for Sam’s sake, but it’s a struggle.  I get pretty creative, especially in the car, where I tend to create my own words.  Lately I’ve used “fuck-stick” and “bitch-wad” a lot.

I think probably the most satisfying curse word to say out loud is “dick.”   It just feels good to call someone a dick.    

If there is a God, what would you like him to say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Well let’s start with the fact that I don’t believe for a second that there is any such thing as the Pearly Gates.  I don’t know about God but even if there is one I feel very confident that there is no gate that I would have to prove myself worthy to pass through.  (Assuming that I would even make it that far, which is highly doubtful.)

BUT if there WAS a welcoming committee and I did by some miracle (pardon the pun) make it that far, I’d like to think that God would tell me that I would be remembered well by the people who knew me and that something I had done would make a difference in the world, for the better, even if it’s just in a small way.

Also, I’d like very much to know the answers to the great mysteries of life - What’s the real story behind Stonehenge? Did Lee Harvey Oswald act alone? Is there other life in the universe, or are we it? 

But mostly I would just want to hear five words:  “Sam’s going to be okay.”

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2 Responses to “Le Questionnaire from Inside the Actor’s Studio”

  1. how fun to read your answers! :)
    I agree that I love the sound of Miles’s laughter…even if I’m feeling crappy or tired or cranky, that will snap me right out of it.
    WE live on a busy street, too, w/ the rescue vehicles coming and going at least once a day. Needless to say we sleep w/ white noise machines on…I guess you kind of get used to it but, bleh…

  2. A Pet is like a rainbow between a mans good side and his heart I guess!

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