1. Completed Phase One (and only Phase One) of Operation: Finally Clean Out My Ridiculously Overcrowded Closet. This basically involved yanking out random items to create a precariously tall pile on the floor of my already-inconveniently small bathroom, where they still sit, threatening to collapse at any moment, while I start-and-don’t-finish tons of other unnecessary projects in a desperate effort to avoid Phase Two.

P.S. Napoleon the Asshole has since peed on this pile. Awesome.


2. Spent hours browsing the Amazingly Sick World of the Internet for my contribution to this year’s Jett Superior Annual Ornament Exchange Extravaganza. Considered, but ultimately rejected:

The winner?

Happy birthday, Jesus!


3. Co-opted my child’s modeling clay to make this:

And this:

For absolutely NO REASON whatsoever.


4. iTunes playlists. MYGODWITHTHEPLAYLISTSALREADY. Will someone please stop me?


4. Made this:

So a day later, after “breakfast,” I could have this:

“Mommy, can I have a Christmas cookie?”

“Hey! Did you hear that? I think Santa might be on the roof!”

“Mommy pleeeeeze I want one of the Christmas cookies!”

“What Christmas cookies?”

“The ones we decorated last night!”

“I have no memory of that at all.”

“Mommy, come ON! We made cookies and I waaaaannnt ooooonnnne!”

“Okay. I was trying to avoid this, but you leave me no choice. Honey, I’m so sorry to tell you this… but Santa’s reindeer came in last night and ate all the Christmas cookies.”

“But reindeer only like carrots and apples!!”

“I can’t explain it, honey. I tried to fight them off, but they’re really tough and those horns are no joke.”

“Mommy, stop playing around! Reindeers don’t like Christmas cookies!”

“Well, maybe they changed their minds, OKAY?? SHEESH! Why don’t YOU try yanking some fat dude and his huge sleigh filled with tons of toys around the ENTIRE WORLD all night and see how YOU feel about carrots and apples THEN, HUH?!? Maybe they need a little sugar to keep them going, did you ever think of THAT, Mayor McKnowseverything? Huh? GOD you’re so greedy. STOP RUINING CHRISTMAS!” (burp)


4. Wikipedia Fuckery. This very nice young lady recently wrote an appeal to her fellow Wikipedia users, encouraging them to donate to the site to keep it up and running so the millions of people who benefit from its existence could continue to enjoy it.

I’m pretty sure she had no idea that her picture would then appear *right* over the name of whatever entry a user was reviewing. And I’m definitely sure she never imagined that some asshole like me would come along with a Looming-Deadline-and-Problem-with-Authority-and-Terribly-Self-Destructive-Tendencies, find her looking unreasonably happy about whatever I decided to type into Wiki, and then spend hours channeling an inner 11-year-old boy:


5. Wrote this shitty post.

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10 Responses to “Things I’ve Done This Week Instead of Working Because I Have a Looming Deadline, a Problem with Authority and Terribly Self-Destructive Tendencies”

  1. I love your playlists! And I must be an 11 year old boy because I totally laughed at every one of the Wiki photos. Hilarious.

  2. I can’t decide which playlist I absolutely NEED to see/hear: 911 Emergency Jams, Awesomely Gay or Ho Times Three…I’m sure they are ALL fabulous! Thanks for the giggles today…as I also avoided getting any ‘real’ work done. ;) Happy Holidays!

  3. I got real work done today, but spent the first part of this week doing shit I didn’t need to get done.

  4. I’ve missed your shit, bitch. Welcome back.

  5. I love fucking with those people from Wikipedia.

  6. I wish I was as productive as you.

  7. I love the playlist you’re on.

  8. I absolutely LOVE your playlist names. I would have made the cookies after the kids have gone to bed, so I could eat them all myself and they would not even know. *evil laugh*

  9. Interesting that ‘Dick In A Box’ is the only entry which seems to have confused Wikipedia. Oh and those Playlists? I bow to your superior procrastination skills.

  10. Hi Beej! Thanks for following me on Twitter! (Now I just have to figure out how to use it…)

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