Dear Esteemed Members of the Former High School Asshole Association:

As President of the Former High School Nobody Association, it is my job to maintain an open line of communication with your leadership regarding our mutually accepted Post-High School Code of Conduct (COC). Specifically, I’m required to monitor and report possible violations of the rules set forth in the COC’s Chapter 7: Interactions. Since the reunion of 2010 we’ve seen a significant increase in co-mingling between our two groups, which we consider a positive step; but these increased levels of interaction have also resulted in violations of Chapter 7 that must now be addressed.

At present, our membership is concerned with activities falling under the purview of Article 43: Encountering Former Nobodies Who Are Now Somebodies, and Section 2 therein: Pretending It Never Happened. Upon review of these guidelines, you’ll find that Former Assholes are required to acknowledge the damages to ego and reputation their previous dickishness may have caused to their Former Nobody counterparts; furthermore, Former Assholes are strictly prohibited from making false claims to friendship with a Former Nobody during the formative years.

As you know, Article 43 was originally added to the COC because, with the passage of time and distance from the hostile High School environment, Former Nobodies are statistically very likely to become (a) more successful, (b) more attractive, (c) more intelligent and (d) much more interesting than Former Assholes in later years. This shift in balance has resulted in a number of recent Former Asshole-Former Nobody encounters that our members have reported as troubling, uncomfortable and, in some cases, deeply unsatisfying.

We’ve been asked to remind you that Article 43 clearly states:

“It is acceptable for a Former Asshole to represent himself/herself as heroic, kind, sweet and/or loved by all throughout the high school experience, when dealing with other Former Assholes and those in the outside world (see Chapter 6: Post-High School Denial). However, when encountering a Former Nobody (or his/her known associates), it is strictly prohibited for a Former Asshole to pretend to have been anything other than a total prick in high school.”

Section 2 further clarifies the rules governing Former Assholes in these instances:

(1) You may NOT drop the name of a Former Nobody-turned-CEO to your co-workers or management, particularly if a relationship with said Former Nobody will benefit your own corporate standing in any way.

(2) You may NOT attend the performance of a Former Nobody-now-popular entertainer and claim to be an “old friend from high school” within earshot of other audience members.

(3) You may NOT arrive at a Former Nobody’s best-selling book signing and request an autograph denoting you as a “good buddy”/”old pal”/”BFF.”

(4) You may NOT attempt to “friend” an admired target on Facebook based on your mutual friendship with a Former Nobody.

(5) You may NOT use any form of social media to share anecdotes, photos or other evidence of a Former Nobody’s undesirable status during High School, especially when accompanied by your own fond memories of that experience (“Hey, [Former Nobody], remember how funny it was when we pantsed you in the Home Ec hallway in front of that pretty cheerleader? Didn’t you get suspended for that? Hahahaaaa!”) or lack thereof (“Everyone says [Former Nobody] was in love with me back then, but I really just had no idea! I thought those puppy dog eyes were just his normal look!”).

If a situation occurs that is not specifically addressed in these guidelines, Former Assholes are encouraged to consider the Golden Rule and apply common sense.

While both associations acknowledge a Former Asshole’s right to grow as a human and evolve into a Non-Asshole Citizen, we also must respect the right of each Former Nobody to enjoy his or her hard-earned success without disregarding all the High School Bullshit he or she first had to endure. To this end, we must also remind you that, according to both Sections 3 (You Dished It Out Now Take It) and 4 (Suck It Up, Be a Man), every member of the Former High School Nobody Association is now entitled to act like a complete and utter dick to an individual whose Asshole status in high school caused the member (or other members) duress of any kind.

We hereby request that the relevant articles and sections of the COC be re-stated to your membership, with your firm acknowledgement of their authority. Moving forward, any Former Asshole found to be in violation of these guidelines will be considered in breach of our agreement, and therefore subject to the consequences set forth in the COC’s final chapter. Possible penalties include harsh fines and/or karmically returned wedgies, damaging gossip, rolled eyes, bathroom wall graffiti and a general shithead attitude from former recipients.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation. We look forward to continued peaceful relations between our two groups.


President and Proud Member
Former High School Nobody Association

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10 Responses to “A Letter to the Leadership of the Former High School Asshole Association”

  1. Did we have an incident??? Do tell…

  2. Now this would make a good pitch for Nickelodeon. Maybe like the parents are agents in the club (a la Spy Kids) but the kids are the real stars doing Veronica Mars style work as junior agents or some such.

  3. Roll.

  4. Yippee-ki-yay motherf*ckers

  5. I need to raise my hand and ask a question. What if I wasn’t cool but had cousins who were cool and their parents made them let me tag along. So I wasn’t cool but thought I was too cooland teased other kids (brothers, sisters, etc,) because I wanted to fit it. Thus coming to the conclusion I didn’t fit in anywhere. Do you have an answer for the former teased only liked because she was sorta kinda pretty and knew a couple popular kids a long time ago turned asshole nobody? I’d love to know as this is perplexing.

  6. LOL this is amazing!! x

  7. All hail the Beej.

    I knew you when.

    Badass mofo.


  8. Oh how much i wish you had been with your father yesterday at the Port of San Diego Commissioners meeting. Your take would be perfect except i’m not sure how you could deal with Former High School Assholes who became somebody and somehow morphed into real adult assholes.

    Once an asshole, always an asshole, and i am proud of it.

    Thanks for clarifying the rules.

  9. I feel so inspired! Off to hunt down a Former Asshole just so I can be dickish to them.

  10. Ooh, I know just the dickwad to send this to from my high school years… well said!!!!!!!!!!

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