Let me be clear: I am a total bitch when I drive. And I’m very… ummm…. vocal. I also use many hand gestures. And my horn. A lot.
I hate ALL other drivers. As far as I’m concerned, they have no business driving on MY road. I did NOT give them permission. But I will accept their trespasses as long as they don’t mess with me or inconvenience me in any way. If I have to hit my brake because of something you did, all bets are off.
And with that, I give you the top 11 things you would have seen or heard if you had been in the car with me this week. Happy driving!
- (Giving thumbs up signal and a big smile) Nice driving, Tex! Yeee-haw, dumbass!
- Don’t-do-it-don’t-do-it-don’t-do-it… MotherFUCKER! You DID IT!
- Really? Did that just happen?
- Yes, it’s a cop. No, you don’t need to hit your brakes. He’s already pulled someone over, man. He’s too busy to come after YOU. And he’s on the other side of the highway. Seriously. You’re safe. I wouldn’t lie. I promise.
- MERGE MERGE MERGE it’s called MERGING, douche bag!!!!!!
- (Deep breath.) (Heavy sigh.)
- Yes, please! Of course! Come right over into my lane! (making universal “please come on in” hand gesture) Be sure to bring all of your bad karma with you!
- Am I fucking invisible?
- Slower traffic to the RIGHT! No, your other right!
- Hang up your PHONE (making universal “hang-up-phone” gesture) and DRIVE YOUR CAR (making universal “driving car” gesture)
- What the fuck?