Let me be clear: I am a total bitch when I drive.  And I’m very… ummm…. vocal.  I also use many hand gestures.  And my horn.  A lot.

I hate ALL other drivers.  As far as I’m concerned, they have no business driving on MY road.  I did NOT give them permission.  But I will accept their trespasses as long as they don’t mess with me or inconvenience me in any way.  If I have to hit my brake because of something you did, all bets are off.

And with that, I give you the top 11 things you would have seen or heard if you had been in the car with me this week.  Happy driving!

  1. (Giving thumbs up signal and a big smile) Nice driving, Tex!  Yeee-haw, dumbass!
  2. Don’t-do-it-don’t-do-it-don’t-do-it… MotherFUCKER!  You DID IT!
  3. Really?  Did that just happen?
  4. Yes, it’s a cop.  No, you don’t need to hit your brakes.  He’s already pulled someone over, man.  He’s too busy to come after YOU.  And he’s on the other side of the highway.  Seriously.  You’re safe.  I wouldn’t lie.  I promise.
  5. MERGE MERGE MERGE it’s called MERGING, douche bag!!!!!!
  6. (Deep breath.)  (Heavy sigh.)
  7. Yes, please!  Of course!  Come right over into my lane!  (making universal “please come on in” hand gesture) Be sure to bring all of your bad karma with you!
  8. Am I fucking invisible?
  9. Slower traffic to the RIGHT!  No, your other right!
  10. Hang up your PHONE (making universal “hang-up-phone” gesture) and DRIVE YOUR CAR (making universal “driving car” gesture)
  11. What the fuck?
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24 Responses to “11 Things You Would Have Seen or Heard if You Had Been in the Car with Me This Week”

  1. Just wait until the Bean repeats something he learned from riding in the backseat. I had a helluva time explaining to the Christian daycare in Iowa why Goat #1 kept calling the other kids “JACKASS!”

    WaltzInExiles last blog post..Over herd in the Haute

  2. I think I need a muzzle when I drive. Tis probably the reason the Little Imp called the guy in the yellow Porsche a Sonofabitch the other day. A yellow Land Rover cut us off on Saturday, so now of course she thinks ALL drivers of YELLOW cars are Sonofabitches.

    Swell. I guess I’m not winning mother of the year anytime soon.

    But, I don’t feel bad, ’cause I’m sure I have lots of company.

  3. The car is like my confessional space where I tell the world in no uncertain terms what I think of it, with liberal swearing. I don’t do it with kids in the car, however; when the girls are in the car I yell “STOOpid!” a lot, which sets them off in the back set. And #2 is my mantra, along with “DON’T YOU DARE — okay, you may live.”

  4. I say #8 all.the.time.
    And most of the others, too.

    dysfunctional moms last blog post..This Chick is ANNOYING!

  5. We should totally go driving together. It would be epic.

    They could do a reality show and stuff. Then again the *bleeping* may put some people off.

    Still it would be awesome. But I am driving.

    Kelleys last blog post..My husband has another wife.

  6. My cousins’ repetition of their father’s road rage is possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.

    My favourite thing at the moment, though, is that as I learn to drive my mum has road rage on my behalf. “She’s a LEARNER you twat, YOU DON’T CUT HER UP.” Hehehe.

    The only people I get really annoyed with are people who go bumper-to-bumper at traffic lights on a hill. As if hill starts aren’t hard enough anyway, now there’s a guy in his Ferarri revving up my backside. If his car gets rolled back into, it’s not my fault, and that’s all I’m saying. Ahem.

    Razs last blog post..Comedy Gold

  7. My daughter has started yelling at other cars while we’re driving. So far there hasn’t been any swearing, just lots of “You bad man! Get out of the way. Do you want us to pass you?” and a whole bunch of nonsense gibberish that I can’t quite figure out. It’s really hysterically funny when she gets going. Usually the victim of her rants hasn’t even done anything to deserve it.

    Simply Shannons last blog post..In a slump

  8. I can’t stop laughing at the “universal hand gestures”. I’ve gone from lots of screaming to just giving the universal hand gesture that involves a certain middle finger. I usually look the other way when I do it and keep a straight face. One of these days I’m going to flip off the wrong person and get followed home.

    Pocklocks last blog post..Smaht People

  9. No lie – my husband shared this via Google Reader (like, duh, I’m already subscribed, assface) with a note saying, “Steph, do you have a secret blog?”

    Stephs last blog post..127×365 Rachel

  10. hey, I don’t have a driver’s license and I already sound pretty much like that when I’m in the car with dh. totally norma, to me, everyone is like that in Italy.

    Elisas last blog post..SELF is neurotic too

  11. 2, 4 and 7 are VERY common for me.

    Loris last blog post..What up G?

  12. I get so mad at mergers who don’t know what they’re doing. Or the assholes driving in front of me who won’t let people merge and mess up the zipper affect. It’s my commuting peeve!

    Mamaspheres last blog post..Award Central- My Darts Kick Ass!

  13. lol..How many road rage fights have you been in lately??!

  14. In regards to #5, I have invented a just as nasty but much more saying: douchepickle. Don’t know what it means or why I first said it (in traffic) but there it is. Also, there’s “worthless fuckstick,” which I brought home with me from the Army.

    WPoFDs last blog post..Comfortable Comforters Comfort the Comfortless

  15. #11 was spoken by me less than 10 mins ago

    flutters last blog post..When I was little

  16. When I drive, and someone pulls out in front of me, I’m always with the “HELLO!? You can’t see this here?!”, and I’m circling my hand around the perimeter of space between me and my steering wheel. Like they can hear me. Yeah. Because clearly, they’re not able to see me.

    foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..enjoy the silence

  17. So you are the person always giving me those hand gestures? I am the driver everyone always gets mad at. I don’t mean to do it. Just don’t honk at me because I will totally slow down.

    Laurins last blog post..White Shirt Wednesday

  18. I’m the one in the black Honda screamming “Blinkers are not opional (f-face)!!”

    I mean seriously — what is up with that?

    I do love your colorful and specific rants. I may have to print these out and tape them to my dashboard so I can use them.

  19. most awesome…and if you thought thats the best expletivism…wait till you hit India!!people dont have the patience to find out what a “douche bag” is..they would be more than happy to ram you instead…guess they hate dialogues anyways!!:P

    Scribblers Inc.

    scribblers incs last blog post..Thought…

  20. You and my husband would get along FABULOUSLY!

    In the Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..The Body is a Mystery

  21. I just found your blog. Let me just say that I love it!!! You are now on my must read list!

    Christinas last blog post..Wordless Wednesday (aka: the hunter and the hunted in the land of Frigidaire)

  22. Not to totally piss you off, but my driving experiences as of late have ben plesant. Seriously. The universe loves me on the road. Caspian however is fighting the stars when he drives…

    KD @ A Bit Squirrellys last blog post..Booze, Barf, Banquets, Bubbles, Belching, Ballet and Boogie

  23. I find myself far less patient now. Why am I always in a hurry? Am I a victim of American industriousness gone wild or just insanely overcommitted and not managing my own life well?

    Or are other drivers just dickwads?

    Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..WE’RE BEING HELD HOSTAGE

  24. Oh, I would NEVER EVER say or do ANYTHING like that.

    heh.

    Why am I (and you, of course) the only perfect driver in the universe? That is a complete mystery…

    ~ms last blog post..T minus one day and counting