Bejewell on April 5th, 2012

Suddenly today I feel like I should write something here. Probably because it’s been like three months since I wrote anything on this stupid blog (unless you count that time last month when I told the Jesus pamphlet people to suck it) (which I don’t and probably nobody else does, either), but it also could be the fact that I’m currently “between projects” (translation: out of work and kind-of-really-a-lot losing my shit about it) and so I should be RIGHT NOW sending out inquiries and writing samples like a madwoman on a mission — which clearly makes this the best time ever to fuck around on the Internet. And then take a nap. And also I just accidentally read one of those “how to be a great blogger” articles where some know-it-all lists out a ton of rules for writing the perfect blog post, and I just really need — REALLY NEED — to break them all right now.

So here we go.

Rule #1: Pick the Perfect Title

Coming up with a direct but enticing title is the most important part of your blog post. You want readers to find your article easily with a simple search. Picking a title that will accurately match what the reader is searching for is obviously important in this age when nearly every Internet experience begins with Google.

Yes! And thus, I shall name this post Scabs.

Rule #2: Make the Main Point Clear

The perfect blog post will let readers know what they are about to enjoy right away. Unlike a novel or movie, you don’t want the crux of the blog post to develop slowly. Internet readers have notoriously short attention spans, so make sure you open with an intro paragraph that lays out the post and lets the reader know he or she has come to the right place.

Did you see my intro paragraph up there? Can I even call that an intro paragraph? What is my main point? Do I HAVE a main point? I think it might be that I’m currently wallowing in a vat of depression and should totally be working on working right now but can’t focus on anything other than talking animal videos and my own overwhelming stench of failure. Also, I don’t like blog posts that tell me how to write blog posts. Also, I ate too much cheese last night. (fart)

Rule #3: Make a List

One easy formatting trick is to organize your post as a list. Make your different arguments into numbered or bulleted points, or include bolded subheadings. Top-ten lists and rankings are interesting to readers and give the post a clear reason to be read to the end. It also makes the post organized and clearly shows the reader what the key points will be.

I like to write lists, even if most of them are of the grocery and to-do variety. I can try to do a list here too, though, I guess. How about this:

Things I Think About Blog Posts That Tell Me How to Write the Perfect Blog Post:

  1. Fuck off.
  2. Shut up.

Rule #4: Linkbait

The perfect blog post will have content that other bloggers want to link to… A great blog post also needs to have a large number of outbound links in the body. This is will help other bloggers notice your work and give you a return link, and will also give readers a feeling that you have done your research before writing your post.

I am including outbound links in this post because that is what this expert says I should do and god knows I want to do everything THAT chick says because she’s so fucking smart. Can’t you see how much research I have done here? Can’t you see how awesome this post is now?

Rule #5: Make It Attractive

Making your post look nice is a quick and easy way to make readers happy. Before making a post public, take time to go back and format it to your liking. Make keywords bold, form organized or bulleted paragraphs, cut out unnecessary content to shorten up the post, enlarge titles and subject lines, and so on. A perfect post will be a pretty post.

  1. I actually have no idea how to format anything in WordPress.
  • If one of my posts is well-formatted… well…
  1. That’s by accident.

  2. Still, I think we can manage to follow Rule #5 here and find a way to make this post pretty, don’t you agree, Angelina?

Rule #6: Include Multimedia

Even if your writing is the richest on the Internet, adding images or videos is crucial to breaking up the text and keeping things interesting… Multimedia livens up a post and is a critical part of the perfect blog post.

I love multimedia! I love video! Thank GOD this expert thought of adding it to a blog post! I could NEVER have come up with that on my own! I know ALL my readers (Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.) are really going to love this post a lot more once they see this! (And they’ll know to stay away from wild mushrooms, too!)

Thanks for the tip, Perfect Blog Post Expert!

Rule #7: Stick to the Point

For a blog post to be perfect, it needs to be concise and it needs to stay on topic. As stated before, blog readers have a short attention span. When they search for a specific subject, they want the post to deal with that subject and not meander between several topics. Unless your post is about a Hollywood star or political scandal, mentioning such an event will only draw readers who are really looking for a post on a different topic.

Andy Dick! Wait. What?

Rule #8: Use Keywords

The perfect blog post will be constructed with keywords in mind. A simple search using Google AdWords on a subject will let you know which related keywords are most commonly searched. Keeping those words in your title and throughout the body will make it easy for your audience to find your post and will make it clear to them that they have come to the right place.

Look, I mastered the art of the keyword a long time ago. You can tell from this post, and this post, and this post. And also from the fact that last month 47 people found my blog by googling midget porn.

Rule #9: Keep Length in Mind

I didn’t even read this one because THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!

Rule #10: Be Original

Make your post unique! Don’t simply say what everybody else is saying. Add your mark by mixing it up and making your post stand out in some way.

I believe we can call this particular mission “Accomplished.”


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9 Responses to “Scabs.”

  1. You lost me at “Scabs”

  2. Personally, video embedded in a blog post makes me want to stab someone in the Andy Dick.

    But what do I know?

    My Master’s degree is not in Internet Bullshit.

  3. I’m so glad you are back! :)

  4. If you really want to write the perfect blog post, you should always include the word “stabby”.

  5. Its such as you read my mind! You appear to understand a lot approximately this, like you wrote the e book in it or something. I feel that you simply could do with some % to drive the message house a little bit, but other than that, this is excellent blog. A fantastic read. I’ll certainly be back.

  6. I believe Grupo electrogeno up there has come up with Rule #11.

  7. And it always helps to start sentences with AND. And I see you didn’t use that tip. It’s one of my own.

    I think what I like best is your clever use of the word fuck.

  8. Wow. That’s a load of spam right there. Score, you …

  9. I’m reeeeeallly sorry Bean, but I think the spam comments are almost as funny as the post! Sorry you are feeling low. Empathise with the youtube time wasting. Want to slap Sanctimonious Blog Post Bitch in the face.

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