Why I Will Never Be a Professional Sportscaster. Or Geography Teacher. Or Guest Poster.

I originally wrote this a couple of years ago, as a guest post for my friend John at Living With Balls. It remains one of my mom’s favorites, so I’m re-posting it for her. Also, because I’m (semi)determined to keep that promise I made to myself, to post something here once a week — but I’m horribly lazy and refuse produce anything of real value today. What I’m trying to say is: You’re welcome, Mom.

(begin scene)

Husband: (walks into office and sees multiple photos of testicles on computer screen) Good lord! What the hell are you doing?

ME: I’m doing research about balls.

Husband: Why are you researching balls?

ME: Because I’m writing a guest post for John.

Husband: Who’s John?

ME: John is a guy with a blog called “Living With Balls.”

Husband: John has a blog about his balls?

ME: Yeah. Well, I mean, it’s not JUST about balls. It’s about all kinds of man stuff.

Husband: Man stuff.

ME: Yeah, you know, like sports and chicks and stuff.

Husband: And he asked YOU to write something for it?

ME: Yeah.

Husband: About balls?

ME:Well, the balls were MY idea.

Husband: Why?

ME: I want to be topical.

Husband: No, I mean WHY does John want you to write something for his man blog?

ME: Because he likes me.

Husband: John likes you.

ME: Yeah.

Husband: John, with the blog about his balls.

ME: Yeah.

Husband: Where does this John live?

ME: I’m not sure. New England, I think.

Husband: Where in New England?

ME: What do you mean?

Husband: I mean, what STATE does he live in?

ME: Are you deaf? I told you. New England.

Husband: New England is not a state.

ME: Yes it is.

Husband: No, it’s not.

ME: Yes it is.

Husband: No. It’s not.

ME: Yes, it IS. They have their own baseball team and everything, duh.

Husband: ???!?

ME: The New England Patriots? HELLO? Try to keep up, honey.

Husband: The New England Patriots are a FOOTBALL team.

ME: Well, whatever. They play for the state of New England.

Husband: New England is not a state.

ME: Then why does it have its own football team?

Husband: Having a football team does NOT automatically make you a state. What about the Seattle Seahawks? Or the Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Do you think THOSE are states, too?

ME: No, but those aren’t real teams.

Husband: WHAT?!?

ME:They’re FANTASY teams.

Husband: ????!?!!??!!?

ME: You know, like in fantasy football.

Husband: You have no idea what fantasy football is, do you.

ME: Sure I do. It’s a pretend league of made-up football teams that people play for or coach or something.Online. You know, like Dungeons and Dragons.

Husband: Are you serious?

ME: Why wouldn’t I be serious?

Husband: I can’t believe you’re actually a functioning human adult right now.

ME: You know, SOME people really appreciate my amazing talent.

Husband: Some people.

ME: Yes.

Husband: Like John.

ME: Exactly.

Husband: John, who has a blog about his balls.

ME: Yes. He likes me. He liked my post about killer squirrels and mullets. HE can recognize quality blogging when he sees it.

Husband: Obviously.

ME: Are you being sarcastic?

Husband: Of course not. NOTHING says “quality blogging” like mullets and squirrels.

ME: And Billy Ray Cyrus with a squirrel on his head. Don’t forget that part.

Husband: How could I?

ME: You know, it’s really amazing that more people aren’t falling all over themselves asking me to guest post for them.

Husband: Absolutely.

ME: Are you being sarcastic again?

Husband: (nodding head) Nope.

ME: (finishing Photoshopped picture of balls) Okay, I think it’s done. What do you think?

Husband: (speechless)

ME: I’m going to take that silence as your approval.

Husband: You DO realize what that looks like. Right?

ME: Of COURSE I do. I’m employing SYMBOLIC IMAGERY. I DID graduate from college, you know.

Husband: And you’re obviously putting that education to excellent use.

ME: You can mock me if you want, but this guest post is going to be AWESOME. John and I are like the best combination EVER.

Husband: Absolutely. It’s a match made in heaven.

ME: Are you being sarcastic again?

Husband: Can I go now?

(end scene)

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Tags: I really don't know very much about balls