I originally wrote this a couple of years ago, as a guest post for my friend John at Living With Balls. It remains one of my mom’s favorites, so I’m re-posting it for her. Also, because I’m (semi)determined to keep that promise I made to myself, to post something here once a week — but I’m horribly lazy and refuse produce anything of real value today. What I’m trying to say is: You’re welcome, Mom.

(begin scene)

Husband: (walks into office and sees multiple photos of testicles on computer screen) Good lord! What the hell are you doing?

ME: I’m doing research about balls.

Husband: Why are you researching balls?

ME: Because I’m writing a guest post for John.

Husband: Who’s John?

ME: John is a guy with a blog called “Living With Balls.”

Husband: John has a blog about his balls?

ME: Yeah. Well, I mean, it’s not JUST about balls. It’s about all kinds of man stuff.

Husband: Man stuff.

ME: Yeah, you know, like sports and chicks and stuff.

Husband: And he asked YOU to write something for it?

ME: Yeah.

Husband: About balls?

ME:Well, the balls were MY idea.

Husband: Why?

ME: I want to be topical.

Husband: No, I mean WHY does John want you to write something for his man blog?

ME: Because he likes me.

Husband: John likes you.

ME: Yeah.

Husband: John, with the blog about his balls.

ME: Yeah.

Husband: Where does this John live?

ME: I’m not sure. New England, I think.

Husband: Where in New England?

ME: What do you mean?

Husband: I mean, what STATE does he live in?

ME: Are you deaf? I told you. New England.

Husband: New England is not a state.

ME: Yes it is.

Husband: No, it’s not.

ME: Yes it is.

Husband: No. It’s not.

ME: Yes, it IS. They have their own baseball team and everything, duh.

Husband: ???!?

ME: The New England Patriots? HELLO? Try to keep up, honey.

Husband: The New England Patriots are a FOOTBALL team.

ME: Well, whatever. They play for the state of New England.

Husband: New England is not a state.

ME: Then why does it have its own football team?

Husband: Having a football team does NOT automatically make you a state. What about the Seattle Seahawks? Or the Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Do you think THOSE are states, too?

ME: No, but those aren’t real teams.

Husband: WHAT?!?

ME:They’re FANTASY teams.

Husband: ????!?!!??!!?

ME: You know, like in fantasy football.

Husband: You have no idea what fantasy football is, do you.

ME: Sure I do. It’s a pretend league of made-up football teams that people play for or coach or something.Online. You know, like Dungeons and Dragons.

Husband: Are you serious?

ME: Why wouldn’t I be serious?

Husband: I can’t believe you’re actually a functioning human adult right now.

ME: You know, SOME people really appreciate my amazing talent.

Husband: Some people.

ME: Yes.

Husband: Like John.

ME: Exactly.

Husband: John, who has a blog about his balls.

ME: Yes. He likes me. He liked my post about killer squirrels and mullets. HE can recognize quality blogging when he sees it.

Husband: Obviously.

ME: Are you being sarcastic?

Husband: Of course not. NOTHING says “quality blogging” like mullets and squirrels.

ME: And Billy Ray Cyrus with a squirrel on his head. Don’t forget that part.

Husband: How could I?

ME: You know, it’s really amazing that more people aren’t falling all over themselves asking me to guest post for them.

Husband: Absolutely.

ME: Are you being sarcastic again?

Husband: (nodding head) Nope.

ME: (finishing Photoshopped picture of balls) Okay, I think it’s done. What do you think?

Husband: (speechless)

ME: I’m going to take that silence as your approval.

Husband: You DO realize what that looks like. Right?

ME: Of COURSE I do. I’m employing SYMBOLIC IMAGERY. I DID graduate from college, you know.

Husband: And you’re obviously putting that education to excellent use.

ME: You can mock me if you want, but this guest post is going to be AWESOME. John and I are like the best combination EVER.

Husband: Absolutely. It’s a match made in heaven.

ME: Are you being sarcastic again?

Husband: Can I go now?

(end scene)

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3 Responses to “Why I Will Never Be a Professional Sportscaster. Or Geography Teacher. Or Guest Poster.”

  1. How the holy heck did I miss this the first time? Count me among those people who really appreciate your amazing talent. Like New England John, and his fantasy balls.

  2. …I missed it, too! Perhaps you and the squirrels and balls weren’t on Twitter the first time?

  3. I don’t understand. How is New England NOT a state?

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