Bejewell on June 13th, 2012

Your baby is so ugly
Your baby is so gross
I don’t want to touch it
I don’t want it close

Please don’t make me hold it
Or pretend to think it’s cute
It scares me, with its face that’s so
Misshapen and hirsute

I know you love it dearly
And I think that’s very sweet
But, man, that baby’s ugly
From head to nasty feet

When I look at it I must
Suppress the urge to hurl
I can’t even tell if it’s an
Ugly boy or girl

When you hold and comfort it with,
“Coochie coochie coo,”
I stand back and watch and just think,
“Ew ew ew ew eeew.”

It’s not that I don’t sympathize
With your situation
I’m truly sorry you gave birth
To such a strange mutation

Still, I can’t help thinking…
…not that I’m tracking scores…
But my own sweet, pretty baby
Is way, way better than yours.

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4 Responses to “Ugly Baby”

  1. Hilarious!

    I couldn’t have said it better!

  2. Is it wrong that I just did a spit take reading this? And then I started singing Lyle Lovett’s “Ugly from the front.”

  3. HA HA HA! “…strange mutation…” best line! Makes me think of that “Seinfeld” episode with the ugly baby…”BREATH TAKING..”


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